r/deadbedroom

So me and my ex got divorced 3 years ago and sadly since then iv had the worst luck finding a woman to go on a date with but even worse is that iv also not had sex since my divorce!

The more I talk to people it seems like more couples over 50 are in sexless marriages. What’s your take?

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Since the day I married our marriage has been 99.9 percent sexless. Before marriage sex happened fairly often. Shortly after we married she said "now you're stuck with me".

Before marriage she spent a lot of time at my parents home, even when I was at work. After marriage she viewed my parents as the devil.

Before marriage she was able to show gratitude after marriage she was entitled.

Someone close to me noticing the dramatic change in behavior said that they have never seen a person keep up an act for 4 years and change immediately after marriage before.

I think I'm going to divorce my wife. I think the entire relationship was a lie.

Not sure if this is the right place to post but fuck it. My partner and I have a pretty good relationship. We don’t fight that much and we do things for each other. They are my best friend. I love them. However we’ve been together almost 10 months and I think they’ve touched me like 4 or 5 times. Our sexual dynamic is usually me taking care of my partner fully(which I enjoy very much) but after they cum, they never ask about me. We just move on with the day. Whenever I’ve asked about it, they just mention that they don’t wanna ask or make a move. That I have to do it for them. That felt like they didn’t desire me enough to go out of the way to do something about it. I want them to want to. Maybe I’m overreacting idk

i (26M) have been in a relationship for almost a year now. but lately, it has become stale. my boyfriend barely has time for me and is always prioritizing work. i tried to end things with him, but he wants to "work" it out with me. but it still feels the same.

im so lonely that even resorting to porn doesn't even help anymore. i need emotional connection. i need someone to be constantly talking to me, making me feel needed and wanted, but he isn't even doing that AT ALL.

at this point, i think cheating or or like having online affairs with guys at this point sounds good. but i don't know. it feels wrong.. but i also don't want to break up with him because of it.

I 29M got divorced with my 33F ex-wife 2 months ago after 5 years of marriage and 2 years of DB.

I moved to a different apartment unit in the same building and it actually turned out that both of apartment units had a common wall at our master bedrooms. And obviously the walls are paper thin and not much nouse insulation.

So about 4 weeks ago I got a tinder date home for the night. We had sex at night and my ex-wife overheard it.

Something triggering in her due to jealousy. She rang my door bell next morning crying and upset about 'how I already found someone else'. Long story short we ended up having sex not just once but three times that day. Since then it is a daily thing now every evening after work. Weekends it's all day and night together. We still live in separate apartments but she is mostly at my apartment.

It's just weird how this whole situation has worked out.

I [24F] have been dating my boyfriend [25M] for about 2 years now. We started off as FWB and then became committed to in each other. About 6 months of our entire relationship, we had amazing sex. But we’ve lived together for the entire 2 years. The sex has always been good but the novelty of course wore off.

Recently, he’s been stressed at work and has denied me for having sex about 3x now. He also struggles with opioid usage in terms of getting up but particularly, this morning I tried to initiate sex because I’m dying for it. It’s been over a month now. And he said not right now let’s do it tonight because then I’m going to fall asleep and won’t be able to get any work done. I’m not trying to make any generalized stereotypes but shouldn’t he want sex all the time? Especially if it’s been over a month.

Other than that, we show affection plenty. Touches, cuddling, kisses (pecks) not full on making out simply because we haven’t had sex in over a month.

He’s struggled with porn in the first year of our relationship on and off. I told him I didn’t like it, he claims he doesn’t watch any porn. However when we met he had a high sex drive so it’s hard for me to believe he can go a month without any sort of cumming etc ?

We have become comfortable with each other. I try to spice it up but he’s so busy working. He just got demoted recently. On top of that, he’ll reject my for sex but will clearly have a wandering eye when we’re out so work cannot be THAT stressful surely. Anyways, after the incident this morning he apologized profusely and said he’s just not in the mood because work isn’t in order. Is this the truth? Could it be something else?

For context, his sex drive is/was slightly higher than mine, and I feel depraved. Like I’m fantasizing about other men.

We resolved our dead bedroom issues through a lot of therapy, a lot of fighting, a lot of hurt feelings and emotional exhaustion. Now we have another problem; we are not on the same sexual vibe. Sex isn't natural like it used to be. There's no natural progression from just simple kisses that turn into sexually charged gropes and make outs that then turns into all the fun touching and then eventually sex.

For background, our dead bedroom was almost immediate due to his back issues and grew out of each time we'd start being intimate he'd be struck with pain and we'd have to stop. His insecurities got bigger that he couldn't ever "perform". He'd get a minute or two in and we'd have to stop, which was fine for me. I still felt wanted and desired. He somehow still made me feel sexy. I wanted him with a ravenous hunger beyond lust. I felt his love through that sexual excitement. Its hard to describe. We both knew it was there though and I finally felt like i was with my sexual match.

But his ego became extremely fragile within 6 months or so of dating. Then he began decreasing any initiative to be intimate beyond kissing and groping. No oral. No manual fun time. Nothing. That turned into the beginning of my self esteem issues and our fights about if he wanted me. He frequently ignored or passed on my advances which reinforced my negative feelings that I was the issue. That has been the cause of all our other issues that have almost ended us 3 seperate times.

It's now close to our 7 year anniversary. Sex is still infrequent and short because his back issues are way worse, but we average a few times a month now from 2-4 times a year. He was on fire for 3 months earlier in the year even trying kinky things and being extremely romantic, designing sex night themes.

We had a lot of fun and he was really trying to keep up the effort and to be in tuned with me.

But it still lacks that initial spark and electric charge. He says it's there for him. Now I'm confused. How were we so in sync before and now it's so forced feeling for me? And why can't he tell?

It's so planned and scripted. It's discussed, like appointments and I have to remind him 2-3 times before bed to communicate if he's changing his mind so I'm not left waiting and wondering.

So then when he's ready, he tells me and I participate. I don't come on to him because it still doesn't work, he still gets in his head and puts it off for bedtime or the next night. The process goes, he asks me to go to bed with him and we commence intimacy. Same format. Since his streak of kinky and fun I mentioned which ended 4 months ago, we went one full month with no intimacy at all then the next months have been a couple of times each. All the same way. Same call me to our room, same roll on his side to kiss me, same grope my breasts, remove panties, get on top of me, insert, and then notice I'm dry as a bone, use lube, get going for a minute, his pain hits, roll off me, apologize, kiss, clean up, fall asleep routine. ​

He thinks I'm dry because of menopause. I know it's cause I am not turned on in the least. We've discussed that I'm missing the natural progression to having sex, we've discussed my need for foreplay, discussed what we both believe foreplay is, and worked in therapy on these topics also. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel very ungrateful and like I'm just picking on him at this point. How bratty am I that I'm finally getting some form of intimacy and connection from him and now it's not good enough?

Feeling pretty crappy about it and not sure where to go from here. Has anyone ever been in this position? How did you handle it?

I’m at a loss and don’t know what else to do.
My wife has completely lost interest in our sex life. I can’t remember the last time she initiated, and when I do, I’m almost always turned down.

I’ve tried being patient, romantic, giving her space, communicating openly, planning dates, helping more around the house. Nothing seems to make a difference.

What hurts the most isn’t just the lack of sex. It’s feeling like she doesn’t desire me anymore. After so many rejections, I’ve stopped feeling like a husband and started feeling like a roommate.

I’ve asked if something is wrong, if there’s something I can do differently, and if she’s unhappy. The conversations don’t seem to lead anywhere, and the situation never changes.

We are in the stage with demanding careers while balancing a 3 year old at home with no family around to help.

Fatigue at 9pm is common with early wakes ups as well.

My wife is turning 40 and currently has a low libido, mine has skyrocketed the last year. High productivity and life stress have pushed it up.

Sex is infrequent but we have found doing 10 minutes of making out, her either helping me get off or sitting on my face and then making out with me while I get off checks the boxes and makes it quick and efficient.

We are looking at ways without spending more time to spice things up to keep it fresh and fun during a period her libido is low.

We have added a bit of dirty talk with the theme she is a hot wife but that is it.

Looking for ideas from others for what, if anything, we can do in these current circumstances.

My boyfriend (21M) and I (22F) have been together for three years. He has bipolar II, and he’s had it our entire relationship.

About a year ago, I worked multiple jobs to save enough money to get him out of an abusive living situation. I paid for his flight, covered several months of rent, helped him find a good job, found him a very affordable luxury apartment, furnished it, found him a doctor who wouldn’t charge him for appointments, helped him get enrolled in school, and made sure he had free transportation. While he was getting back on his feet, I cooked every meal according to his dietary needs, cleaned, did laundry, and tried to remove as much stress from his life as possible. I’m not wealthy by any means, I worked multiple jobs to make all of this happen, and the stress led to several mental breakdowns.

Once he became financially stable, I gradually stepped back from doing everything for him, but we’ve continued having the same issue throughout our relationship: he repeatedly stops treating his bipolar disorder.

I’ve told him multiple times that I need him to either stay on medication or consistently attend therapy because I can’t be in a relationship where someone refuses to manage a serious mental illness. Each time he’ll start medication, feel much better, and then stop taking it because he says he feels so good that he thinks he doesn’t need it anymore.

The medication actually works really well for him though. His depression improves, his agitation is less intense, and even his libido returns. The only thing he says he misses is the hypomania.

The biggest issue is that he won’t take responsibility for remembering to take it. If I don’t remind him every single day, he simply won’t take it. I bought him one of those weekly pill organizers hoping it would help, but he still wouldn’t use it. Eventually he just stopped taking the medication altogether.

Since then, the cycle starts again. He goes through long depressive episodes, and every few months he’ll become extremely agitated. During those episodes he’ll say and do genuinely hurtful things that he later deeply regrets and apologizes for once he’s stable again. I know those episodes are part of his illness, but they still affect me and our relationship.

It’s also affected our relationship physically. We used to have sex multiple times a day, but for the last seven months we’ve only had sex about once a month because his depression completely kills his libido. I’ve told him multiple times that I’m unhappy with this. My main frustration isn’t that he has bipolar disorder it’s that he refuses to consistently treat the condition that’s causing many of these problems.

Recently I asked him when he planned to restart his medication because he’d previously told me he would. He said, “Soon.” Based on our history, that usually means whenever he remembers, which often ends up being never.

Later we were talking about our intimacy issues again. I told him I was still sexually frustrated. He said it was because of his depression (caused by bipolar). I told him I understood that, but asked whether he planned to actually planned to start his bipolar medication again. He assumed I was saying he wasn’t trying, and I clarified by repeating that I was only asking for his medication start date.

That’s when he got offended and said, “I’m a grown ass man. You don’t have to manage me.”

I replied that’s true but sometimes I feel like I do because if I stop reminding him, he stops taking his medication and if I don’t set up his appointment he does not go to therapy. I also told him sometimes he acts like he steps in shit but instead leaving to shower he sits in it then gets upset if I complain about the smell.

He pointed out angrily that I also have mental health issues. I agreed, but I told him that I take my medication, go to therapy, and have a crisis case manager. I said I hold myself accountable for managing my mental health, and I need him to do the same.

I also told him that I’m done enabling him. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get my own mental health to a stable place. I don’t want to constantly be pulled back into emotional chaos when there is effective treatment available that he’s choosing not to stay consistent with.

He stormed out of the room cutting off the conversation so I grabbed my things and went home.

I know bipolar disorder is a lifelong illness, but he has access to treatment that has repeatedly worked for him. Am I wrong for telling him that I won’t enable him neglecting his own mental health rather than comforting him when he said he was depressed?

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TL;DR: I spent about a year helping my boyfriend rebuild his life after he left an abusive environment. He has bipolar II and repeatedly stops taking medication that works because he feels “fine” once it starts working. I’m exhausted from reminding him to take his meds, dealing with recurring depressive and agitated episodes, and watching the same cycle repeat. He told me he had poor mental health in response to a relationship repeated complaint. I finally told him that managing his mental health is his responsibility and that I’m done enabling him. He got upset and left. AITA?

I 26F and my fiancé 32M have been together almost 4 years, and we have lived together for over 3 of those years at this point. The issue we have is that we have virtually no sex life. He is never in the mood to have sex. I have tried a lot of different things to improve intimacy between us, and have clearly communicated how much this hurts and upsets me.

I have tried wearing lingerie, having non sexual intimacy time, asking to schedule it, even trying to take sex off the table completely to relieve pressure. If we do try to “schedule” time to have sex, he will either conveniently forget or not be in the mood to try.

We have sex now less than once a month, I think the last time was earlier this year, and it makes me feel bad to initiate because it often feels like he’s only engaging in sex for my sake. It feels like no matter how many conversations we have, it doesn’t change. I’ve even done as far as asking him to tell me if he isn’t attracted to me anymore, and he claims that isn’t the case. I don’t believe it is either, because he’ll still hug and kiss me, or even grope me, but that only makes my frustration worse.

I am at a loss for how to navigate a conversation moving forward about my needs or expectations. Because, putting it as bluntly as I can, my needs are not being met at all, and it feels like he doesn’t care about that. I want to believe he does, but it hurts when I feel I can’t even trust he’s being 100% honest with me when I ask him to talk to me and tell me why he isn’t interested in intimacy with me.

As a small side note, I do know for a fact that he masturbates, and he also will frequently play porn games, one of the most recent ones being an online game where he plays with other people, and a part of me has become anxious that he’s now relying on this as his sexual outlet for intimacy, with no care or consideration from where I receive my sexual intimacy. I don’t want to be in a completely sexless relationship, I’ve tried telling myself it’s something I could come to be okay with, but it honestly isn’t.

Edit: I’m genuinely looking for any advice that can be given, as I’m really in over my head and don’t know how to handle this.

I clearly had too much hope. On a trip., I HL Male and my wife LL
Female. We’re going a mix of “glamping” and hotels on this road trip. We’ve had a couple nights of just us no kids and a hotel room to ourselves (and them in their own hotel room). I’ve tried being romantic and doing all sorts of stuff to make it nice for us to have some “alone time” and it’s come up as a big fat nope. I’ve asked straight out and still nope.

You’d think from seeing us that things are fine and great but when it comes to the bedroom it’s anything but.

She’s got a low libido (her own admissions) and continually says she need to do something but never does.

Part of me wonders if she’s cheating or not. If she has I wish she would just say it if that’s the case.

You can read my previous post if you care but genuinely, I am so terrified at even the thought of ever trying to date again. 27 in a 4 year relationship, sex maybe 3 times a year. I'm extremely unhappy with this and have tried countless things to "fix" it, even tried changing myself, but it just can't be done. I tried to endure but I am losing myself, whatever self esteem I might have had is gone. I know I will never be fully happy in this relationship, however the idea of either being single and alone forever, or having to try to date again today, is TOO daunting.

I am legitimately, seriously considering just staying anyway because I don't want to try to brave today's dating landscape, especially as someone with shit social skills and no confidence. Only 2 women have ever really even paid attention to me and this is one. Between them I went at least 5 years without even physical contact with anyone, no dates, nothing. And I'm only older now, more people are more established in their lives and relationships, people have kids which I don't want. It's ONLY going to be harder now, and even harder later.

I'm genuinely really considering just settling in this dead bedroom relationship forever because I think it's better than being alone forever, or going through the torturous gauntlet of trying to date again.

She really expects me to propose soon, like in a few months, and I'm thinking for fucks sake do I just do it? I mean, it's good enough right? Why do I expect magic and miracles? It feels like I do, anyway.

I'm a 27M with a high libido, girlfriend is a 26F with little to no libido at all to speak of. We have sex maybe about 3-4 times a year at best and even when we do she never seems into it really. We've been together almost 4 years, living together for most of that. The first 6 months to a year was great, we had good sex a few times a week. Literally now we go as many times per year as we used to per week, easily a 50x decrease.

I kept thinking I could fix it, or once we got past some temporary obstacle it would change again. It hasn't. Fact of the matter is I've spent over half of this relationship unhappy with this, and I've tried seemingly everything to fix it. Changed myself and my body, both of us have counselors, we've had couples counseling, we've talked SO many times about it. Basically now, she just says this is how she is and it likely won't change.

For the longest time I wanted to think I could just deal, white knuckle it and endure somehow. I was even researching ways for a while to reduce my libido, which can't really be done it seems. But my self esteem has been destroyed and I feel like there's a whole huge part of romance and of adult life that I'm excluded from and it's frankly depressing as hell. I don't see us as having a sexual or intimate relationship at all anymore, just a logistical one most of the time. I feel like a roommate.

Despite the fact that I've already said I'm not comfortable making big moves like house shopping or getting engaged until I see progress on this, and her saying she understood, she is still pushing for those things regardless. She is heavily expecting me to propose within the next few months and I'm just not ready. I can't handle a sexless relationship for the rest of my life. She tries to say it will get better later, but why would i believe that? It hasn't yet, and we're the youngest we'll ever be now.

Same time I'm scared, she's one of the only women who's ever even given me the time of day at all. I'm nerdy and weird and have no social skills, I'm awkward as fuck, probably autistic. Talking to people is my least favorite thing in the world, it causes me so much stress and makes me feel like a fucking alien pretending to be human. I got lucky with her and she basically made all the first moves. She accepts me for being awkward and weird as fuck.

I worry I could never find that again. So little experience (only 2 relationships) and horrible social skills, weird and nerdy as hell with niche weird interests. Asking for someone who would look past all that AND is attracted to me, AND also doesn't want kids, AND who has a matching sex drive, almost sounds like I'm looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist.

Honestly I'm too scared to leave because I think I can't do any better, and this is the best I can realistically get.

People often think low libido is something you “fix” by addition, such as picking up new sex toys or learning new techniques. However, it is often easier to identify the things that get in the way of desire. Try to keep the list specific, and focus on things that are within your control.

38F / 40M been together 9 years. recently has two kids, and this man will not touch me. he will happily accept oral, but offers me nothing, not even a back rub. i’ve literally asked straight out, and get nothing but excuses. he just uses me as a flesh light. and not like oh we’re in a slump, i’m taking the last 2.5 years.

i’ve questioned is he just not attracted to me anymore? I struggled with ppd with our last baby. he’s gone as far as to blame it on that. “you don’t come off sexy when you look like you wanna jump out the window the last six months.” - okay, point taken, but again no matter how unsexy I was for any type of attention, he happily accepted every “unsexy” bj.

i’ve wondered if there’s someone else? everyone has needs so who is filling his cup? plus I know that’s a thing. men/women cheat and to avoid guilt or repetitive guilt they refuse to be intimate fully with their partner. idk but any ideas on how to fix it? any time I bring it up it turns to any argument bc it’s blame game. I just want my partner back, I want to feel wanted, and sexy. and I just can’t seem to get it.

honestly what motivated this post is last night for the first time in a long time I caught him checking me out and I commented on it. we both flirted about it and then got wrapped up in the kids. I had this vibe like okay, maybe tonight. so I skipped my dinner to shower and shave and moisturize, the whole girly thing. well bed time went to shit, and I ended up passing out as he was re rocking our son for the third time. I woke up bummed but felt like okay nap time? so nap comes and, I ask for a back rub. he agrees, no hesitation, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I stripped down to my underwear, and he stayed on my back. I asked for him to tickle my legs. normally he’d wander, a boob grab, go a little high in between the thighs. and that starts things off. well, not this time. he stayed between the lines, in every way. never made a move. and I just feel dumb and deflated. I know I should be asking him, but I have and he won’t answer. so here I am…..why doesn’t he want me? my gut says someone else. thoughts? advice? - signed a woman who hasn’t been touched since nov 2025.

I (31M) have been a long time lurker on this sub which has helped me cope with my DB. I’ve finally hit the point where I need to post to I guess shout my frustration into the void and hopefully feel at least a little better. I love almost everything about my wife except our sex life. I just wish she had any physical attraction to me.

So I’ve been married to my wife for 4 years and we’ve been together 7. Physical intimacy has been a struggle for us for a lot of our relationship. Early on when we were just dating the only time we ever had sex was when she was drunk (not often) or when I initiated. The best times always came when she was drunk because it actually felt like she was attracted to me and was a very active participant. The times I initiated when she’s sober it always felt like pity sex. She would pretty much just lay there while I did all the work.

As time has gone on she’s pretty much stopped drinking completely so those times don’t happen anymore and I’ve stopped initiating. We’ve had many conversations over the years and all of them feel productive in the moment and she tells me the things I hope to hear to help improve our sex life, but nothing ever changes after these conversations. Time goes on I’d initiate and mostly get turned down or on the rare occasion we were intimate it just felt like she wasn’t in the moment and was barely an active participant. I mostly stopped trying because of this. This was pretty much our sex life until May last year.

We both knew we always wanted kids so May of last year was when we decided we were ready to try. Which was nice but quickly turned into just “I’m ovulating” sex basically just put a baby in me. Which happened not too long after we started trying. Once she was pregnant sex was off the table. Which I understand as her body went through so many changes and she wasn’t fully comfortable in her body. Since our baby was born early this year sex has been off the table as has most physical intimacy.

I miss the physical connection so much I would settle for even just a little bit. At the beginning of June she offered to massage my feet after I won some small bet we made. The deal was supposed to be 10 min now and then 10 min sometime before the end of June. It ended up being nothing all of June which I wasn’t surprised by. Every time I bring up the physical intimacy conversation it’s I just don’t think about it or it’s not on my mind. I think it’s just she doesn’t care.

Anyway, today I reminded her of the bet and how she missed the deadline. Her response was oh I have a baby now so I didn’t think about it. To which I replied yeah you’re right I’m just not important. She then just ignored it and went about her business with the baby. It felt like a knife went through my heart so I felt the need to tell anybody.

If you read this far thank you for hearing me and I hope your struggles get better as I do for mine.