r/deadbedroom

48M. I lurk around the marriage advice subs, and this one too because the issues couples go through fascinate me.

One very common denominator is we always hear from the person being deprived of sex and almost never from the person doing the depriving.

So, if you are the cause of a dead bedroom, let's hear why. Maybe others can learn from you. Anyone care to be completely candid about why you don't have sex with your partner?

My partner M44 and I F43 do not have sex life. We go months between having sex. Probably have sex between 8 - 10 times a year. Every night we peck each other on the lips and sometimes cuddle sometimes don’t. Say I love you. We have dealt and talked about this situation for years.
In my life I have never had so much rejection from a man - from offering to be open minded and explore new things, lay back and get a blow job. Etc. he is not interested. We have heart to hearts and then some times blow up conversations that border on intense arguments about our sex life and try come up with plans to show up differently. Nothing changes. He believes that I put a lot of pressure on him to initiate - I feel like I can’t take more rejection and need him to pursue me. I still try and initiate last two times I tried he said no. At this point I lay here night after night and don’t know what to do. We have talked this situation to death. I miss the once or twice a month sex we used to have. I used to think that was infrequent- now I live in fear that I am 43 and will no longer have sex in my life. It is clear he does not want to have a sexual relationship with me. I am not sure what to do anymore.

How was it initially getting back into dating?

Did you find a partner that actually matched your freak?

How did your relationship with friends, family, kids change afterward?

For those of us struggling to end things do you have advice?

Do you regret leaving?

She’s mad all the time, won’t have sex with me. I come from a broken home and tell her abandonment issues are real and she is at the point where she doesn’t care. I need a release and she ls not willing to provide

HLF 40s / LLM 40s. Married 15 years, kids.
We’ve struggled on and off with mismatched libidos pretty much our entire marriage. His has always been lower, and I know anxiety, work stress, pressure, etc. play a role.

But the last 5–7 years have really done something to me.
I basically cannot initiate anymore. If I verbally suggest sex, flirt too directly, or physically initiate, it’s like throwing cold water on the entire thing. Either nothing happens or I can almost feel the pressure hit him and the moment dies.

If sex happens, it’s almost always because HE initiates—usually in the middle of the night or early morning. There’s very little foreplay and almost no kissing. I miss feeling wanted. I miss sexual tension. I miss feeling like my husband looks at me and actually desires me.

He works out 5+ days a week and is extremely physically fit. Meanwhile, I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to make myself more desirable, and I hate even admitting that. My depression has gotten worse, and feeling chronically undesired by the person I married absolutely contributes to it.

The hardest part is that he doesn’t communicate about any of this. He says he loves me. He says he’s attracted to me. He’s sweet, thoughtful and considerate. He puts real effort into our emotional relationship.

But there is almost zero sexual energy between us.
Sometimes it feels like he’s just a really nice guy who lives with me and loves me. And being kind to your spouse matters, obviously, but after 15 years I don’t think kindness alone is enough to make me feel married.

We used to have explosive arguments about sex because I was desperate for him to explain what was happening. What he felt. What he needed. Whether it was me. Whether it was pressure. Whether he even wanted a sexual relationship.
He never really gave me answers.
We haven’t even had those arguments in months because I’ve basically stopped trying.

We’ve gone through cycles where things briefly improve, but there isn’t even that “hysterical bonding” period people describe after a huge relationship fight. Maybe we have sex once, and then everything immediately returns to normal.
What hurts is watching him put so much effort into protecting and nurturing our emotional relationship while seemingly accepting that our sexual relationship can just disappear.

At this point I feel trapped between two realities: I love my husband and genuinely think he’s a good man, but I am profoundly lonely inside my marriage.

I’m starting to think this is simply my life now.

And maybe that’s the part I wish someone had warned me about years ago, libido incompatibility doesn’t always destroy a relationship dramatically. Sometimes everything else is good enough that you stay while one part of you slowly learns to stop asking.

I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice anymore. Maybe I just needed to say it somewhere people might understand.
Because if you’re early in a relationship and already experiencing this dynamic, please don’t assume love alone will make the incompatibility disappear.

Fifteen years later, I feel like I waited so long for it to change that now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Our DB didn’t start until we moved in together a few months before the wedding. Fast forward four years of us attempting to get pregnant with no luck, and it finally happens. Yay. Then I discover his severe 🌽addiction while 5 months pregnant. This is after years of alternating from DB to maybe twice a month.
Now the ED and lack of desire makes sense.
He promised to stop and get healthy, and try for us to have a normal sex life.
18 months later, things seemed better for the last 6months. I thought we were done with our DB.
Now I’m on week 6 of a DB. 6 weeks of not being desired. 6 weeks of “I’m tired”, “it’s cold”, “you’re too wet”, “I have to pee”.
I checked, yes, there’s still boundary crossing. Still dealing with his 🌽 addiction.
I don’t think it gets better. I don’t know that this can be solved long term.
I don’t want this in my life. I rather be alone than with someone I have to beg to desire me. I don’t want to have to beg for your attention, especially when I know I’d have your full attention if I was some random woman on your screen. Husband, I’m tired of waiting for a healthy “normal”.

I finally gave him a true ultimatum with a time line. Since then he’s genuinely stepped up and is trying. I can’t help but feel like the only reason he stepped up is to protect his cushy life. I’ve told him how unhappy I was for years. Told him I feel like shit about myself from all the rejection every single day. Somehow none of that was enough tho to make him try. Suddenly when it might actually affect him he finds it in him to make an effort. Things still aren’t perfect either but I do see him making an effort

I feel bad because he’s doing the things I asked finally. It’s just the fact it took all it did. Im also having a hard time finding true attraction to him right now. I am so in my own head about how disgusting I feel now. I was never like that before. I’ve gotten to the point of being angry and I don’t know that I can move past that

I'm finally nearing a point where I just want out of this relationship. I can't do it anymore. I haven't been happy for at least 3 years and we've only been together for 4. I've tried a thousand conversations, I've tried changing myself, I've tried couples counseling, I've tried it all it feels like. She essentially says "this is just how I am" and says it likely won't change, or if it does, it'll take years. I can't wait years more.

And we're engaged but she's expecting to be married VERY soon, like within a month. I can't do it. I'd end up having a panic attack and ghosting the wedding I think, which is terrible. Unfortunately though also, she is very mentally ill and dependent on me for everything. If I don't cook, she won't eat. If I don't pick up her medication, she won't take it. If I don't clean or do errands, they won't get done. I am 100% a caretaker and not a romantic or sexual partner at all. I found out what caretaker burnout is and that describes me to a T.

Problem is I don't know HOW to even leave. She has alluded that she would probably kill herself if I left. I know this is manipulative as fuck and extremely toxic, and probably on its own means I need to leave. But she also has no other support. She has a therapist but won't go unless I almost force her to. Her family is either apathetic or disabled and can't do much to help. She doesn't have close friends, and has nowhere else to live besides my apartment.

I have no idea what to do, if I even tried to leave it would be HORRIBLE. Will genuinely be a traumatic experience no matter how gentle I try to do it, and may involve emergency services. I'm extremely worried about it and I feel like a trapped animal, like I can't leave even if I want to

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and dated for 4 years before that. Our sex life was pretty good but in the last 4 years, our sex life slowly tapered down to basically dried up. My wife seems pretty happy with it but I miss it. It’s something that plays on my mind and I wonder if it’s me or if her sex drive has changed. It picked up for a bit when we were trying to have a baby but obviously fell again when she was pregnant. Our child is 18 months old and our marriage is still sexless. I know having a child can change things but this problem predates our child being born. We split the house and baby duties pretty equally. I love my wife and am not going to divorce her over this but I miss having sex ( I know stereotypical guy). We have talked about it but she brushes my concerns aside. I don’t want to push too much because I don’t want to nag her about it. What should I do to change or fix this? What do I do if she just doesn’t want to have sex anymore?

🥲 If you finish first but your partner is still not satisfied, what do you usually do?
Guys: what’s your approach?🤔

Women: what do you actually want your partner to do in that situation?🙄

Genuinely curious about people’s experiences and perspectives. 👀