r/deadbedroom

Can someone explain to me if it is ‘normal’ for a boyfriend of 5 years to never want to do anything intimate and then get defensive when asked to? Advise welcomed, ta

Update and rant: I think I’ve finally realized what has actually been happening?

For context, my partner and I have been together around 1.5 years. We started off incredibly intense.. it genuinely felt like a fairytale, fireworks, “I’ve found my person” for both of us. We were best friends, affectionate, laughed constantly and had a beautiful relationship. Sex was also amazing initially. We've also been living together since early on.

Around 7 months ago, sex became increasingly inconsistent, eventually maybe once every 1–2 months.. and now we have gone almost 4 months without sex, and even longer without him going down on me or really initiating any sexual intimacy. I have spent months trying to understand why. And 2 months ago, he had a very sudden conversation with me where I was totally blindsided as he effectively decided that he wasn't sure the relationship could continue due to the lack of sex.

There were plenty of possible explanations: he is extremely stressed, has been in debt for years, hates his job, has never lived with a partner before, we were living in a toxic share house, he has some health issues and possible sleep/breathing problems, etc. He also told me repeatedly that he “didn’t know” why he didn’t desire sex anymore. I blamed myself a lot, including my body and my own anxiety/emotional issues and it was a really heavy upheaval that I carried myself through.

Earlier in our relationship, he said I'd benefit from going back to therapy for my anxiety, and so I've been back in therapy once a week and have worked very hard on myself which he has noticed. I am absolutely willing to acknowledge that I have had moments where I have been emotionally reactive and have handled things badly. I am also very receptive to feedback and have always been willing to change behavior when something is hurting my partner, and he knows this as well.

We eventually went to couples therapy specifically for the lack of sex, which was my idea, and we made a plan to live separately to give each other some space.

The therapist focused heavily on one incident where I lashed out at my partner after he waved at a woman who used to be my friend, had previously slept with her before we dated, and had hurt me badly. I was drunk, reacted badly, and I absolutely accept responsibility for that. We discussed it afterwards and I went back to therapy.

The therapist explained that my partner may have developed a “mental block” where that incident made him feel unsafe, and that my ongoing emotional stress, work stress and other things going on in my life were contributing to a negative atmosphere at home.

What shocked me was how much this seemed to become the explanation for our lack of intimacy. At one point I said these things were temporary and things I was actively working on, and my partner basically laughed and said, “You’re going to be working on this for a very, very long time though.”

I felt like my insecurities and trauma were being turned into the explanation for everything, while his own issues weren't really being examined.

And then I learned something that completely changed how I see the situation.

Early on, my partner told me that he used to be much more avoidant than he is now, which I interpreted as meaning he had recognized that pattern and done the work (I should have noticed the flags).

But looking back, there have been a number of things he has withheld or lied about: his previous cheating, his salary, a woman messaging him who was interested in him, and not telling me about a conversation he had with that girl who used to be my friend, because he knew I'd be upset.

In our most recent session, I suggested that he go to individual therapy, as I don't feel like couples therapy is really doing anything for us, as I see this as being something that Nick really needs to work on. He was initially offended, and he said that it isn't a priority for him right now.

That absolutely broke something in me. He said he has done work, reading, podcasts etc. but I don't think he realizes who he is talking to. I come from a life full of bridges burnt to ash and have been in and out of therapy since I was about 15. I'm fiercely independent and resilient, so when I hear that it isn't a priority, my initial thought wasn't "You don't care about the relationship" it was "You don't care about your mental health".

Our therapist then asked him what had happened in his previous relationships, and in the one before me, they fought all the time but still had an active sex life (This is the one that started from infidelity so it seems as though it was really only physical) which I already knew about... But then the therapist asked about before that, which I didn't know about, and he said "In my previous relationships I would see an emotional outburst and I would know I need to end it, so I would stop having sex with them and end the relationship". I was fucking GOBSMACKED.

That information was never given to me while I was spending months thinking I might be the problem, trying to regulate myself, and balance my life, and all of my other stressors, trying to understand why he no longer wanted me, and trying to help him all at the same time.

He withdrew sexually while I was left completely in the dark. He didn't tell me he was pulling away. He didn't tell me he felt disconnected. He didn't tell me he wasn't seeing a future. He repeatedly said he “didn't know.” Even though right up until a couple of months ago he would talk about marrying and having kids with me, and all of the things that we will do with our life together.

And now, looking back, I realize that he may have known much more about his own pattern than I did.

That's what has hurt me the most.

I don't think I'm analyzing this to death anymore. I genuinely feel like I've discovered something fundamental that I didn't know existed.

I have spent months trying to fix myself and trying to help him, while he apparently has a recurring pattern of shutting down and withdrawing from relationships when emotional difficulty arises.

I don't want him to go to therapy simply because I threaten to leave. I want him to want to understand himself and work on this for himself, the same way I went back to therapy because I wanted to work on my own anxiety and become healthier, not simply to save the relationship.

I do want the relationship. I love him enormously. I want the kind of intimacy where you see each other's ugly, difficult, complicated parts and stay. Where eventually the lust changes, you become family, and you still choose each other.

But I don't want that future with a version of him who keeps the difficult parts of himself hidden and isn't willing to visit them.

I genuinely feel heartbroken. I love him, but I also feel incredibly deceived and let down. I spent almost 4 months being sexually rejected while trying to figure out what was wrong, and now I feel like I've finally been given information that should have been on the table much earlier.

At this point, I don't think I can do anything else for him.

I can communicate. I can acknowledge my own mistakes. I can continue my own therapy. I can be there if he wants to do the work.

But he has to choose to show up too.

And if he doesn't want to, I think I have to let him go.. even though I still love him.

Me (f25) and my fiancé (m32) have been together for a few years now. It’s become apparent we have very different sex drives; mine is very high and his low. It makes me feel undesirable and lonely if I’m being honest. I’ve stopped trying to initiate all together and when he does (roughly every 2 weeks) it feels forced like a chore.

I’m in my head, finding myself performing as I want him to enjoy it and want more. I understand he works full time, and he’s tired etc but it’s not even intimate anymore I feel a huge disconnect and completely robotic.

He never does any foreplay and it ends up being one of three basic positions. A lot has changed since we first got together and I can’t bear to upset him so find myself faking for his sake. I was trying to be adventurous and make him more open minded ie being rougher, bondage and trying toys, but he sees it as him not being good enough. I thought maybe at the beginning I’m just asking too much but now I wonder if we’re not compatible. I think I’m quite open minded and kinky, whereas he is happy to just pump and dump. There’s no middle ground

im dating this girl and we are thinking about marriage if we were suitable for it. But i've noticed how different we are. I grow up in an environment where love is shown openly with hugges, kisses and so on. I dunno if due to this environment but i have a huge sex drive and even after im done i could keep up with hands and such for hours. i wont stop

this girl instead she told me she usually dont show affection. and her sex drive is really really low.

everytime we go out i tried to have some private time with her but she always pushes me away

i wanted some brainstorming from another sub and they suggest me to look into this. damn. is this my future if i marry her?

for whom is married and struggle, did you ever consider cheating or pay for sex?

i imagine, you go out, pay for it, 1 hour you are done go back home. no more stressing ur partner for sex

Been with my wife for 15 years now. We've had our ups and downs. Been on a long journey with our deadbedroom situation. Went through a period where we only had sex a couple of times in a year. Thats been several years ago. We've been in a weird place with it ever since. Sex happens but it doesn't seem like it, sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if it didnt happen.

There are a couple of issues, first off, my wife has no interest in sex. The sex we do have is for my benefit. She doesn't explicitly say it, but she has never expressed desire in return. I haven't felt legitimately desired in well over 10 years. Another major issue, sex NEVER happens at my request. I have absolutely NO CONTROL over getting my needs met. If I bring it up, the answer is "no" 100% of the time. The only way sex happens is when she gets a wild hair to allow it, and she'll initiate by coming and getting in bed with me and telling me to "come get it while the gettins good" or something along those lines and then she'll lay there and wait for me to come to her. She'll never come and express desire as if its something she wants, it's always presented as something that she's either neutral to or as a favor for me. She puts in absolutely NO effort. I do 100% of the work. She'll typically be present during with kissing and what not, which is nice and she will typically get an orgasm or two.. but she wants it over as soon as she gets off, she want's me to hurry up and get mine so we can get it over with. Then, it's a waiting game, til the next time she's ready to allow it. I have no knowledge of when that will be, only the expectation that it wont be when I feel a need for it. Much of the time I feel the sex that we do have is a humiliation ritual. I get rejected when I ask.. I get told to come get it like a pathetic dog when she's willing to throw me a bone. The sex we do have is incredibly vanilla. Missionary most the time, maybe doggy or prone bone. No oral (I love to give, she doesn't like giving or receiving), nothing verbal, no roleplay, no spicing anything up. Just get it over with, she'd love it if every time were a quicky. I used to ask her to spice things up or try some more wild stuff, her excuse to reject it was "I've just already done all that" referring to past experiences before me, which went over like a lead balloon with me.

We scheduled it once, for every 3 days. That went ok for a while. But she ended up falling off of that... It was fine when she wanted to break the schedule and wait longer but it was always a point of conflict when I asked for it before the 3 day period was up. No we typically have sex once or twice a week. Sounds like a dream to most of you, I'm sure. And I get that. But frequency isn't everything, unfortunately.

We used to talk about this all the time. It's been a major point of conflict for several years.

We have a cycle. I ask, she rejects, I get hurt (hurts worse literally every time), I shut down, I avoid her, I go cold, I stop trying to be affectionate and trying to avoid it when she gives it. It's a defense mechanism. She thinks I'm punishing her, or shunning her. It's not that at all for me. The love/affection feels fake as soon as I'm rejected. Touching her or her touching me after gives me an uncomfortable "ick" feeling. My reaction to being rejected causes her to get upset and hurt as well. She now uses my reaction as her excuse for her current attitude and sexual interest, or lack of it.

Though, the thing is, there are several times where we've tried. I did everything I could to give her everything she claims to need to get back to what she used to be. She still rejects me. I put up with it a time or two. Then finally chinks in my armor start showing up til it's all back to square one and she claims I can't keep it going long enough for her to "feel it"... I've tried explaining it takes 2 to tango and that it needs to be both of us at the table immediately, no waiting to "feel different" while the other puts in all the effort. She, amazingly, disagrees... I can't for the life of me understand her logic. Clearly, she can't accept any accountability.

Anyways, dont want to make it too long. Just wanted to vent.

On a side note, I tried posting this over at the big DeadBedrooms subreddit but it got removed for breaking multiple rules.. wtf? I spoke to a human mod and they confirmed it broke multiple rules. What happened to that place? reading through their ridiculously extensive wiki rules, you need to be a friggin robot and you can't actually discuss how these situations commonly make people feel or touch on any of the common themes such as "duty sex" without breaking their rules. Ridiculous. What the fuck is the point of it anymore?

My gf and been together for almost 3 years we still live with our parents and our bedroom life has been horrible the first time we did it we were almost a year into the relationship and since then we done it like 15~ times and i dont know how to feel about that because i really want more i hear other people do it couple times a week and i feel jealous because we barely do it and i tried to talk to her about it but she just called me lustful and that she doesnt want to because we still live with our parents pls tell me is that a fair excuse. And other thing is to get her in the mood is absolutely impossible we can like makeout playaround for like 20minutes and she doesnt wanna do it bcuz shes not in the mood even when i setup everything my parents go out for the week the house is mine and for the whole week we didnt do it she said she was in the mood and i was absolutely stoked but then like 10secs later she says that shes not in the mood and that its gone and when i try to engage it she just turns me down all the time and i feel hurt and sometimes think shes not attracted to me sometimes feel like im doing something wrong i tried everything i did research on it and nothing works please give me advice

Hey y'all, how are you? It's my first time posting here! It turned out longer than I expected, so I hope you bear with me. Thanks!

This week, I finally realized that me (29HLM) and my girlfriend of the past 4 years (29LLF) have no future together, and I need some encouragement and support for breaking up. Long story short, we haven't had sex in more than a year now. Before that, at least another year of dwindling sex life because it was increasingly hard for her to get and stay in the mood. We're not married, yes living together. I know that the decline in libido originated from stress and body image issues, but I can imagine that over time, the strain that this put on the relationship also amplified the disconnect and low libido.

Here's some history, feel free to skip it. The gist of it is that my girlfriend repeatedly avoids talking to me about our sex life, and I don't even want to sleep with her anymore because I feel so emotionally neglected:

----
Whenever I'd bring up "the talk", I never felt heard or understood or cared for. I never got what I needed out of those talks, and I'm not talking about sex - I'm talking about listening, empathy, trying to work something out as a team. I wanted her to hear how hurtful it was when she would stop midway through sex and go to sleep.

Anyway, about a year and a half ago, she told me she can't take anymore of those conversations. She said that the main reason for the low libido and dead bedroom is the conversations (which would happen about once a month or so). I didn't like it, but I decided to trust her. I told her I won't bring it up anymore, but I'm counting on her to come talk to me when she's ready.

Nothing happened for a year. Then one night she came home drunk, and started touching me. I was resentful as fuck, but I went with it. Then we stopped halfway through foreplay, and she fell asleep shortly after. I waited about a week, she didn't bring any of it up. So again I initiated the talk, and again I didn't get anything out of it. She said she needed a break from the conversation, I specifically asked her to follow up with me in a time and place that's good for her. Nothing. For months and months, I was just waiting for her again. And sometimes if she was drunk, she'd start touching me. I hate it so much, it feels so demeaning. I rejected those advances with various excuses. Mind you, I wasn't drunk and it also didn't seem right.
---

So now to the present. After no drama for about 5 months now, she again was drunk and tried touching me. I rejected. But this time, I told her that it hurts me that these advances happen only when she's drunk. I told her that I can't sleep with her, not now and not ever, unless we fix the emotional rupture that's happened from years of rejection, of keeping my mouth shut, of hiding this from our friends, of feeling unaccounted for. I told her that trust needs to be rebuilt. Trust that she won't ditch me again without any explanations. Trust that I'll have a place to talk about my feelings if things go south. She asked: if you need to talk about these things, why don't you bring them up? I explained all of the above (in the spoiler). I explained that I need her to approach me. I need to see that she cares.

She asked if we can do this the following morning and I agreed. Next day arrives and nothing. The following day, also nothing. We're now at day number 5. This was the final straw for me - I would have settled for any sort of follow up from her, no matter how bad the conversation would go. I explicitly said that all I expect is her approaching me for a follow up. Luckily, she didn't do that, and now I have full clarity that I will NEVER be seen and heard by this person. But it's so difficult breaking up: we share a home, I'll break her heart, and in many ways she relies and depends on me. She lost a lot of friends in the past years (they moved abroad). She lost her dad. And then there's the irrational fear that this is the best I can do, which I fully know is bullshit and is just my demolished self esteem from years of rejection and the secret lack of sex in my twenties. I was hoping that the wise folks here have some words of wisdom for me.

​

Hey everyone, new to this community after finding out I wasn't alone in my dead bedroom. I've been with my wife for 4 years and we have sex every 6 months.

When we started dating we used to have sex a few times a week and then that died down almost immediately after moving in together. Once every fortnight. Once every month. And now twice a year.

I know that my DB isn't as severe as others here and some will think "what's he complaining about?" But we're both in our 20's and it's getting to me. I've started to lose some weight to gain some confidence back but it still hurts every time I try and make some moves on her.

I've spoken to her and she says she doesn't know why she doesn't feel horny as much, but I'm not sure how true that is.

So I'm looking to hear some coping stories of how you deal with the jealousy, temptation, and sheer horniness that I think we all face.

Any advice is welcome!

I've lurked here for a while, but I've never posted. I had a weird talk with my wife and wanted to get some other people's perspective.

First some background. I(m43,hl) have been married to my wife (f43,ll) for almost 20 years now. We've always had some hang ups with intimacy because of our up bringing. We were both raised in religious families and had purity culture garbage taught to us. I am pretty sure my wife still feels shame related to anything sexual now.
Once our kids were born, the physical relationship withered away. She was never in the mood. She would tell me I was ugly and gross. That she could only sleep with me if she was drunk. That she only slept with me because it was her duty as a good wife. I felt undesired, and stopped pursuing her. We haven't had sex in over 4 years.

A few days ago we were making plans for our 20th anniversary. She said to me "we should make sure to have some fun in rhe bedroom. I want that for you" all I said back was "we'll see what happens."

I realized, I don't want to. I still don't feel any desire from her. I also don't feel any desire for her anymore. Its not an attraction thing. I still think she's beautiful, but I've stopped seeing her in a sexual way. Also, I think the "I want that for you" line just made me feel like it would be obligation sex.

On the other hand, I am worried that this could be her reaching out. This might be the best she can say.

I know we'll have to have an awkward, uncomfortable conversation, I was just hoping to get some insight before I do

First time in these type of forums, Please take it easy but give it to me straight!!!!
Ive been with ny husband for 20yrs married four 17 this yr. We have had a very rocky marriage but because there are kids involved we atick to the big picture and have tried to make it work for the sake of the family we have built together. I had two children with some else when I entered into this relationship and he had none . We have had threesome and they all turned out bad, gis ex if 13 yrs prior a bay caneout of that, BV cane out of another, and uncomfortable misdealing cane out of others. Either way i shut them down not because of control but it felt off or i was feeling lied to .
So now its 2024 , my son is comes home from job corp with a girl he built a realtionship with there. Me and husband wasnt to keen on that but because her people threw her out andmy son voched for her we allowed it . He was renting a room from us anyway with his own private bathroom and entrance so we was like ok , rent will go up because u hae her here , cool they both got jobs in the community and its was fine for a bit.
2026, its been two yrs , they have been having a horrible relationship. One minute its him the next its her. My son gets demoted at his job and was completely going crazy , he was in a slump treating her horrible or whatever so its said, me and my husband try to meditate were we can . I wasnt all in there relationship as much as my husband because they had a choice to make figure it out or separate. I believe my son was done with her a while back but because he felt responsible for the fact tha she had nowhere to go if they broke up that he kept going on with the relationship. Anyway in like may my husbad says the should go on a break because the relationship was getting bad . And she was feeing like a sex toy with him . They agreed while on that break my son list his virginity to her so hes acting like a horn pup persuading her to have sex at every chance he could she gives in a fre times but jeeps complaining to my husband about it . They finally did have sex and they bith admitted that it didnt fee the same . The both are atill sharing the same room at this time..
Back in april me and husband had a argument about him and other women and his preference. And i was not agreeing to it i want a straight monogamous marriage moving forward. Some words were said ..
Its now middle of june 2026 . My sons girl is now chilling around me more , she been around for two yrs , i have given her advice, helped her learn how to cook, gaveher some of my brand new high heels, im a nail tech , so i was basically doing her nails for free . We had a mutual respect for one another .
Ine day in hune me and husband were talking and i said to him she likes u and i have noticed it for a while . We laughrd about it and then husband tells me that will picking her up from work they had a conversation. My son worked weird shifts so they bith would take turns taking and picking her up from work. He tells me shehad a dream based off one of me and his argument were she watched my husband have sex with a women and she stood and watched and liked it. My husband not intrigued by the conversation asked other questions were she admitted to liking me and found me very attractive. Also stating she like the family dynamic we had going on and didnt want to leave . Me and husband talked about it and at the time i was saying i wouldn’t put her out if the broke up i would allow her to get on her feet it only right . And i also stated she could be a candidate because she was cool , bubbly and had a caring heart and my kids loved her . In a weeks time frame my husbands making it seem like they are broken up ahe dont want to be with my son anymore shes done . So im under the impression that they are more then just having a break , they are done we just needed to figure out the sleeping arrangements , i have a five bedroom house and all rooms are full so we were teying to figure out where to stick her .
One night me husband and her are drinking my son works over night at one job and daytime with another various days out the week . Ending of june and husbad and i were having sex and while we were doing it he mentioned her to come in and join . In the mist of the moment i said ok she comes in and we go from there . It was alil weird but i was open to it drunk an all . The next day , now this is were it gets weird and uncomfortable, she comes in our room whisper something to my husbad kiss me on my shoulder we got a California king so thats about as far as sge could reach me and my son took her to work , life moves on as usual , she comes home , my son goes to work overnight, she chills watch movies play monopoly or scrabble gors in her room for the night, next day does the same , and the next day does the same . As im watching the days im noticing everyones behavior , and its seems off . So i speak to my husband about it and he tells me im overthinking its fine. They not together, its been three days . My son is off work on this fourth day , and she’s texting him im texting her , and i was telling her how i enjoy the ither night she says your son is going to sleep maybe ill come slip in , then two seconds later she like nope rain check he just woke up . My mind starts racing like what ?????. The next morning i wake up to my son and husband in the kitchen talking ,when they realize im up they come in and add me to the conversation .
Apparently my son went thru her phone and seen the text messages and asked did we all have sex ? My husband denies anything hapoened and tried to cover it up . My son says to me mom im trying to not believe u would do something like this to me , my husband and son go for a walk . Husband comes back hours later like he told my son. Cursed out the girlfriend for being careless with her phone. Saying she should have deleted messages or changed her passcode . Im like wait i thaught rhey were together anymore . He tells me they arent but my son is under the impression they might come back from this break they were on and im ahocked because thats not the impression that was givin now im looking at my husband and the girlfriend funny . Like u mean to tell me that u never officially broke it off yall were just on a break with a possibly to maybe rekindle??? She like we are teally talking it like it over with we just roommates i said that sounds real good but thats not whats going on here . Now im feeling guilty becaue thats my son and he will hate mefor this while u layed up in my bed with me and husband . Like what the f!!!. So now im pissed . Andi feel uncomfortable and lied to .
Husband convince son to talk to a girl he once talked to before that we didn’t approve of because she was pregnant at the time, while my son is doing that , he still working ivernight shifts . Husband is telling me im trippin and overreacting. So life keeps going . Now she literally went from watching movies , to sitting in out bed to sleeping in out bed . I stress to husband i wasn’t comfortable with that . Sincemy son found out we moved my husbands studio room in out bedroom and he gave her his office . Im complaining like she cant have everything leave the bed to me that my space. He ignores my request and says i want control, next thing i know he initiate sex between us again , i didnt want it but i went with the flow believing i was tripping, and she stayed again another nightin out bed the next morning he like i heard what u said and im sorry she gon go in her room and sleep.
Next nighti wake up like 3 in the morning becaue its the fourth if july and the dogs are barking because of the overnight fireworks, to my husband changing his underwear, and then he disappear . I get up look for him now where to be found anhour later come back to bed .
Next morning i say to him u dont have to creep around if u want to go to her bed dont wait for me to sleep be honest. He says i just went int o check in her . I said for a hour ??? . He brings the girl in on the convo and she strts a group chat between us and inside I still feel like its more to the story but im trying so hard to not be the villain my son hates me she running around acting hapoy for a new relationship my husband is acting happy while im angry. We argue after that and during the argument it slios out that while in our bed she woke my husband up to some head. And im like isthis why u told ne she can sleep in her room now ??? Cause thats heavy and u didnt tell me . Im looking at her like u dont want to be looked at like a sex toy but u wanna be ine for my husband ??? We argue everyday after that all the way till the end of july . I told him sheneeds to leave . Call her family , get a room something but she has to go . All this problems is not what i signed up for. Then a few days after my husband bday which was the 28 i heard him in the room having sex with her i woke up out my sleep and he was gon i go to her room an i hear them . More fuel to the fire. We haven’t stopped arguing about her since . He takes her work pick her up , creeps around at night , keeps lying to me saying she just cool , but instead of saving her money she buying him several pair if bew sneakers orfering out meals , when i aske d husbnd has he had sex with her outsidebof me he looked me in my face and said no and then said i was acting like it wouldnt happen considering we had sex already , then teied to flip it on me an say im overreacting andbeing young, im selfish and want control im only thinking about myself and since i wanted to back out it dont have anything to do with how he or her feels . At that moment i did the one thing that i knew would give mr the teuth i asked her and she said they had sex more than once . Helater tells her that wasnt her place and she shouldnt held him down .Im like u said u didnt have feelings and her arent valid enough for me to care . We brought her in out bed together and if i choose to end itvhow are u not rocking with me . My son feels betrayed. My husband is like your son has moved on his new girl now stas here also and they be layed up cooling in the kitchen together laughing and joking and she all alone and its nit fair why cant she move on respectfully. Another arugument happens and he calls the girl to verify why she said to me this girl gone look me in my face and day i never said more than once i said inly once . Me in her in a screaming maych at this point like u teally are going to lie like why would i have to lie about it . I want nothing more for it to not be teue so why would i make it up .Its now august she still here and he still lies about simple stuff now . He says he going to the atore come to find out hea at Walmart with her fir two in a half hours . She again soending miney on what ever he asks . And he lies like its nothing and says to me . I lie because look how u act how can i bring the truth, i want to bring the truth but all it dose it create more arguments i dont want to argue or lose my wife blah blah blah . Like am im wrong here??? I know i was wrong for indulging in this mess with full disclosure on my son and her , but an i wrong for wanting her to leave , wanting a divorce, or telling my husband i want a girlfriend that i can vibe with sex chill and she does have sex with him , he says i cant have sex with any women he either didnt bring into the relationship or isnt having sex with , but i have to feel uncomfortable in my home while u orance around with this girl ??? Im so angry i cant sleep i barely eat im so angry . Before this mess i was going ask my husband could we have another kid and now im all over the place i cant stop drinking . I literally drink every day now started smoking cigarettes. I barely cook do do my nak tech thing any more . Im juat stressed out . Dont know if i even want my husband anymore because he blaming me for all the past bad threesome and comparing this situation to those . I dont know if i wantto just creep and get a girl so i can have my simple sexual pleasure and friendship. I allnover the place

I've been considering sleeping separately for a while, and decided to finally bite the bullet.

I'd rather sleep well, and it's not like we can actually have less sex than we already are.

Thanks to the DB, I find that I'm slowly losing my sexual side. I'm becoming downright prudish. I can't stand watching sex on TV or in movies. I don't want to read about it or hear about it. In fact, it feels almost fake to think people actually have sex.

Long post — I’ve been lurking around here for some time. I don’t know if this post will help anyone, but I also just need to get my feelings out.

After 15 years together, seven years of marriage, and nearly three years of a dead bedroom, I asked my husband for a divorce. Finally, the truth came out about why we had struggled in the bedroom for so long and why he had removed all intimacy from our relationship.

He told me he didn’t love me and wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Honestly, I don’t think he ever felt that way about me from the beginning.

I also found out through people in our inner circle that he never wanted to marry me in the first place. Apparently, he was still in love with his ex, and I guess he settled for me. That’s a hard truth to hear, but once I asked for a divorce, so much of the truth about our marriage finally started coming out—the things I had questioned for years suddenly started making sense.

When I mentioned divorce, he kicked me out of the bedroom but told me he didn’t want a divorce. He said we were “best friends” and that “financially, it’s beneficial for us to be together.” He even told me I could still have a child through IVF because, God forbid, he actually has sex with me.

He told me we would continue sleeping separately in different rooms. I asked him if he thought his feelings about me would ever change. He said no. I told him I wanted a husband, a lover, and a partner. I didn’t need another fucking friend—I already had friends. I wanted a baby with him. I really wanted to have a family, but the one question that helped me make my decision was this:

If nothing changed, would I be okay living like this for another 15 years? The answer was no. And that’s when I decided to leave. It was a hard decision because I really wanted to have a child, but the thought of having a child in a loveless marriage made me think about how that child would grow up.

I knew I couldn’t waste another minute of my life with someone who didn’t want me. I wasn’t living in reality, and I take accountability for holding onto hope for so long. Hope kept me in this marriage, always believing things would eventually change.

We had a house together, and after I asked for a divorce, he started becoming extremely emotionally and mentally abusive. He would get in my face and literally tell me he hoped I would get stabbed and raped when I went on my morning walks. I went to visit my family, and when I came back, he had installed cameras throughout the house and connected them to an app on his phone so he could watch me. It’s fucking insane. I don’t even know this man anymore. I just don’t understand how someone who says he doesn’t want me and doesn’t love me can behave this way.

I moved into my own apartment this weekend. It has been scary because I’m on my own, and I decided to take a lot less than I probably should have just to get out of the marriage. He is keeping the house, and I should be divorced within a month. I know I made the right decision.

I guess what I want to say to anyone contemplating divorce is this: Ask yourself: If nothing ever changed, could you live like this for another year? Five years? Twenty years? If the answer is no, listen to yourself. You don’t have to spend your life hoping someone will eventually want you, love you, or choose you. Choose yourself.

Hi all, I've been browsing various stories here for a bit now and have noticed that a lot of the situations are one sided. Where one partner is comfortable with little to no intimacy. And then of course the situation where this has progressed to neither partner being interested.

What I'm curious about is people stuck in more mutual situations. Where both parties want to and are suffering but can't due to various obstacles. Work schedules, distance, kids, living situations, care needs, injury/medical, etc.

Partner stated she is now unattracted to me due to having seen too many of the day to day ugly things over the years (one example, farts). Honestly , my fault for not being as thoughtful about those things as I should have been. Obviously I can't undo those things, but I now make a huge effort to be much more thoughtful about that kind of stuff. But, I'd appreciate any ideas about more things I can do to improve how she sees me to increase my attractiveness and sort of help her unsee some of the less attractive things. I'll take any ideas at this point. Thanks!

57M HL. After days/weeks / hell, years of arguing about a lot, including lack of any intimacy or physicality - the other night we discussed being together tonight. It’s only 20 minutes away to start. I’m effing nervous as all get out. Performance anxiety, no connection, just a zillion things going through my mind. I should be ecstatic but instead I’m nervous. Beyond nervous. I’ve wanted this for so long and now it’s here, in my face and I’m acting /feeling like a scared little boy. Ugh.

So this is going to be a lot. I (M28) and my wife (F27) have been together for almost ten years, married for almost two. We fell for each other early in life and I know it sounds like the classic “things were better when we were younger” trope when it comes to sex but I feel there is a bit more to it. We spent around a year apart in college after some rough times but ended up getting back together and rekindling. After college I moved halfway across the country for her to pursue her career and we got engaged. Ever since then, however, the bedroom has been growing colder and colder. I would try to get her in the mood and tell her how much I wanted her, and 99% of the time she said she was too tired. I tried to brush this off, because she is a medical worker so the tiredness is real. The other 1% she would agree but just lay there like a board, not kissing back or doing anything really, and at a certain point I stopped because it felt gross to me. Like I was using her for something she didn’t want.

This led to a dead bedroom. I didn’t stop trying completely but definitely did less often. I struggled a lot with this, attributing it to my own appearance, and convincing myself that I was the problem for wanting that physical intimacy. I got pretty depressed. One day I started receiving a ton of random likes from a girl that I went to high school with on Instagram. She ended up dming me too and we started talking. It was casual at first, we hadn’t even really talked much in high school. But soon enough she and I were being more emotionally intimate and I let it get further than I should’ve. The attention I was getting was something I had been missing for a long time, despite everything I was doing just being in messages. I felt desired. Wanted. She confessed love for me shortly after and I told her that wasn’t real because we had never met. I never reciprocated those feelings and I told her I would never physically cheat on my partner. I regret telling her that what she was feeling wasn’t real, that was a mistake, but I decided that things shouldn’t go any further. We stopped talking but my wife (then gf) found the messages shortly after and confronted me about it.

We talked a lot about what I was feeling and I apologized profusely. I told her that about how lonely I felt even when we were together, and how I felt unwanted, but acknowledged that none of that was any kind of excuse. I was lucky enough to not get kicked out. It took a while for things to get back to “normal” but they eventually did. I still loved her and she still loved me. But the issues never really went away. I dealt with it internally for a couple years through the engagement and eventually the wedding, hoping that with every month when her schedule would change maybe she would be less tired. I worked and kept the home neat, cooked meals, prepped her lunches, took over most of the responsibilities for our dog, feeling like I was constantly working to make her feel loved and supported. My social life dwindled to nothing but I thought that if I did all of these things for her, these acts of service, that surely she would return and put forth the same effort into making me feel loved. But I never really did.

Fast forward to the end of last year, and I felt myself reaching another breaking point. We had just bought a house together and adopted two cats that she really wanted. It felt like we were living the American dream but it was hollow. So much simply going through the motions, she grew disinterested with the cats but I love them and do everything for them like feeding and scooping, all the fun stuff. I cooked for her every night, not because I like it but because I want to do things for her to show her that I love her. I would try to express my love in other ways too like by going out of my way for her to do anything that would make her life easier and by kissing her, hugging her, trying to touch her in ways that used to excite her. But I’d get rejected over and over. Felt like nothing had really changed. I went on reddit and tried just finding ways to get my sexual desires out in ways that I thought wouldn’t hurt her. Anonymous messaging, no attachment. I simply wanted to not feel unwanted or like I was trying to force things on her all the time. But in doing so I started talking to someone who I felt a sudden, deep connection with. They lived halfway across the world so I knew there was no chance of anything physical ever happening, but we dropped the anonymity and started talking more often and it got very sexual very fast. I felt strangely happier, like I could devote more of my non-sexual love to my wife and not resent her for the lack of intimacy. This time my wife caught it in the middle. It was a very long conversation that culminated in me telling her to draw the line with me where if it happened again we were done, especially since we both wanted kids. She had been weaning off of birth control in order to start trying this year, though I was still not convinced that I was fully ready just yet.

Fast forward again to a few months ago. We were still recovering from the last emotional cheating situation when my mother passed away from cancer after battling it for over 4 years. I was in the room with her when it happened and it left me slightly traumatized and out of it. It happened back where we grew up so my wife flew out to be there for everything that came after. I can’t remember exactly when but at some point we had sex in the days after and that was the first time in a very long time. As you may be wondering with all the foreshadowing I’ve laid, this did indeed get her pregnant. It was a shock to us both that it happened on the very first try, but we were both happy and we have slowly told family and friends about it but nothing public since we still are waiting to make sure that the baby is healthy. Over this time however I have felt something shift in me. I want the kid so badly, that will never change. But I feel like all the years of a dead bedroom and lack of feeling loved caught up with me. Against my better judgement I turned to reddit again just to talk to people about my feelings, and somehow I met someone who makes me feel all the things I’ve been longing for, and I genuinely feel as though I’ve fallen for them. In the back of my head I remembered the whole “next time it happens is the last” agreement my wife and I made but I pushed forward anyways. And I’m wondering if that alone says it all. I know I’m a horrible person to do this especially while my wife is pregnant. I am the villain of the story. I accept that. But I want to try to genuinely see if my wife and I can make things work, because only then will I feel like I can move on without feeling like a total failure of a human being. The person I’ve been talking to and I have agreed that nothing can ever happen between us if I do not put my whole effort into my current marriage first. Even if my wife and I don’t make it, I will never abandon this kid and will coparent and do whatever I need to do to make sure they have the best childhood possible.

I am going to therapy today for the first time in weeks and hoping to come out of it with a clear head. Thank you for reading if you made it all this way.

Edit: we are going to start with a couples therapist, it was a very difficult conversation but trying to stay hopeful

I got rejected again tonight. I got rejected for offering a blowjob to help him sleep.

I’m never letting this man touch me sexually ever again. I’m so fucking done with this. He wants our bedroom to be this dead? Great. It’s gone. It’s done. Don’t fucking worry about it babe, I will never ask you to fuck me again.

I'm going to go do it on my own.

I cook all the time, clean all the time, do all the laundry. Pay 80% of the mortgage, 50% of all utilities, all the groceries and house hold supplies and deal with her doom scrolling all day, complaining about being tied and her 16s attitude to boot.

Her response "if that's what you want to ahead". Well mortgage app goes in tomorrow, can't put an price on peace.

We used to have sex and a lot now it's lucky to be once every two weeks and honestly this has probably kept the relationship going on for longer than it should have.

I have to beg for 10 minutes alone with her, that's the point in even trying to keep this together now?

He told me to touch myself

I (27 f) have initiated intimacy with my husband (34 m) and every single time, he rejected me.
He has even rejected kisses and hugs as well.

A few days ago, I told him about how much it hurt me. He blamed me, dismissed me claiming I want to start a fight.. it went on for two days..

“Go to another man” (it hurt the most)
“Wrong time”
“Wrong way of asking”
“Your daughter is here aren’t you even ashamed?!”

In the end he gave me an answer making it seem like it will change.

It didn’t 💔

He only does quickies.. once he’s done, he washes up and leaves me on the bed. The only thing that changed is that he started giving me one more second before penetration because when I spoke to him about it I told him it hurts, because he used to rush in.

Today, I initiated for the first time after speaking about it.

His answer..

“I know what you want. I can’t”
“Buy a toy from temu and watch a video”

… my husband. A man. Asked me to touch myself.

So for the first time instead of trying to talk and understand, I went to the bathroom. And helped myself as he told me. But it’s nothing like being in his arms.. he doesn’t understand that I want him. I want my husband 💔

I have lost weight. Changed my hair color. Bought new clothes. Cut my bangs. I’ve tried everything. I’ve blamed myself. But now, it seems like it isn’t me…

What do i do?