r/deadbedroom

My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs. We have three kids 5 and under, youngest is 6 months old. Since our youngest was born our relationship has felt so disconnected and sex hasn’t been the same.

Postpartum/breastfeeding hormones have caused a major decrease in my libido. Not only that, sex hurts, almost every time we’ve had sex since I gave birth, it’s caused micro tears or just terrible discomfort. I’ve talked to my obgyn about it. I’m not too worried because I know it’ll improve when I stop breastfeeding. My husband doesn’t know because I don’t tell him, I just push through the pain or try my best to avoid him. I know it’s immature, but I really don’t want to talk to him about it. It’s very uncomfortable for me.

He made a comment when I was about 2 months pp about how it would be really good for him if I got on birth control. I’ve been very adamant that I hate how it makes me feel, have tried it in the past and that he can use condoms. He gets all mopey and says he doesn’t want to use condoms for the rest of his life and that it ruins sex. So he either pulls out during sex or forgoes sex entirely instead of wearing a condom.

I might be willing to set aside my discomfort if I knew he were going to get a vasectomy when we decide we are finished having kids but he also refuses to even consider that. I just feel like I am expected to make all these sacrifices with my body for his comfort when I don’t even care about sex right now. I’m having a really hard time getting past his comment too. Every time he complains about not having sex, I think of his comment. I don’t know how to get past any of this. I’ve told him that I found his comment incredibly offensive and he said I should take it as a compliment that he is so attracted to me that he wants me to get on birth control so we can have sex all the time.

I’m at my wits end. I seriously don’t know what to do. I am a 24y/o female and probably haven’t had a sex drive and 0 desire since about 17. I’ve been with my husband for 2 1/2 years. Married for 1 year. I’m in love with him, we have impeccable communication, I am attracted to him in every way and I want to be able to be intimate with him. I’ve tried everything, talk therapy, medications, vitamins, communication, foreplay, toys, in the dark, white noise, full blood and medical panels, you name it, I HAVE TRIED IT. I don’t get turned on by anything, not even on my own time. teasing and anticipation of sex makes it worse for me. Please, has anyone else been in this situation? And how did you fix yourself? It’s causing me depression, it has nothing to do with my husband. It’s all on me (and no before anyone says anything, he doesn’t say anything bad about it. We actually do couples sex counseling and it hasn’t helped me at all) I’m choosing to come to this community on my own as a final resource. I feel terrible and it’s driving me insane. I hate the thought of sex, I hate the awkwardness I give off, I hate everything about it. No, it doesn’t hurt. It does feel very good on the rare occasion where I can enjoy it, just my mind doesn’t allow me to.

We (45 HLF, 45LLM) are working on rebuilding our 15yr marriage. He was always lower than me but it didn’t matter because he was very affectionate in other ways and I felt loved. But that slowly faded over the years and we’ve gone months without even touching. I finally had enough and ended things a few months ago (there were other things that pushed me to this also). I was so lonely and depressed. He asked if we could try once more. We have 3 kids under 10 so I agreed to try.

When discussing sex he has taken almost everything off the table.

He has never gone down on me, doesn’t like blowjobs, will not take me from behind, ABSOLUTELY no anal. It’s PIV missionary only and very little foreplay.

Once he cums it’s game over. He has said if I want to cum I better do it before him, but he doesn’t do much to help with that.

How have I never realised before, how selfish he is in bed! We were both inexperienced when we got together and I thought we would explore together but clearly that was naive.

My wife is going through peri - is on HRT and Test and states she doesn't have anymore peri-symptoms - except the glaringly obvious zero interest in me in the bedroom. It's like she has lost any/all attraction she ever had for me and I'm some guy who is just around to lift heavy things, open jars and take the kids to sport. I am a very involved father and I do my share of the housework to the point I get told I'm doing too much (can't win hey).

I may get a quick hug or kiss goodbye but thats it. Sadly this is making me withdrawn, distant and quiet (due to constant rejection)and just more interested in keeping my mind busy - and I'm sure its a viscous circle but I have no idea how to reset it. I do not pester her for intimacy (and the rare times it has happened she has enjoyed it) - I will occasionally suggest some fun in the bedroom, even setup some candles and nice music etc only to be met with a laugh or a 'huff' 95% of the time. I am trying but slowly dying inside and losing hope. I have tried to talk but she just gets so defensive and I feel like a dick for making a deal about it. SHe does not believe me when I say it affects me this much and it must be 'something ele'. She said she misses it but seemingly does not do anything to try to improve the situation. My weekends are now just spent just waiting for them to be over (apart from kids sports etc) so I can just get back to work and keep my mind busy.

I want to know - to any of the wives going through this - do you actually miss that part of your relationship or are you relieved that its over - how are your husbands dealing? Did you get past this?

Been with my partner for 7 years, we used to love having sex almost everyday. We did work together and it would build up the tension in work so maybe that added to the thrill. After about 2 years tho it stopped and all of a sudden my advances felt like “pressure” even tho nothing had changed, I got used to the frequent sex that is all. After a while I got tired of rejection and I stopped trying, we would go months without it and she wouldn’t bring it up or care about it even once. When we do have sex it’s amazing she always says how great I am and no one ever does it better I always say “remember this feeling, you could be getting it everyday!”. We are both overweight so I think laziness does add to it and a change in her libido over the years. It’s got to the point now where when she does try to initiate sex every couple of months I don’t even want it, I feel resentment and anger that “why does she get it when she wants it, and I never do?” But I end up giving in anyways because I never know when the next time will be. It’s like a cycle and she has to wait so long to be horny again. Can this be changed or is it well and truly dead? I’ve kinda accepted that maybe this is just what sex is like after 7 years and I’ve accepted that she brings more to my life than just sex. Anyone experienced this?

I recently ended a long term relationship that had intimacy issues. For a long time my girlfriend had low libido and the lack of sex was a large factor in me ending things. 

Im curious if post divorce/breakup if any of you have reconnected and found out what your ex’s sex life or low libido issues are like in their next relationship?

- Did you breaking up make them go to therapy and change things?

- Was their low libido largely a contextual thing to just y’all’s relationship?

- Did their life situation change in any way that impacted their libido?

- Did they move on and do all the things they wouldn’t do with you, but with a new partner?

I am a 43f. Been dating a 41m for about 3mos. Things have progressed quickly tbh. To the point i actually just let him move in. And im having doubts. He's great and we get along great...but I dont feel he's sexually attracted to me. I have a pretty healthy libido and want to enjoy sex while I still can. We've only had sex a few times and besides the first time its only been after complaining from me.

I hate feeling like I have to beg for sex and I hate feeling like im pressuring someone into sleeping with me. I feel like a jerk guy who coerces women into sleeping with them.

We've discussed it and he tells me he's just too tired to have sex. But today we spent the day at home together and I made a few comments about wanting to and he ignored every comment and we watched a movie and when it was over he went to sleep. I cant sleep so im on reddit. I dont like feeling rejected and im thinking about how he's a great guy but we're only 3mos in and already arguing over sex.

Every time I've tried to have a conversation he gets defensive and tells me he's tired and sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. I agree but it is important. To me anyway.

Its hurting my self-esteem because ive never had this problem in a relationship and its hurting my pride because I dont want to keep arguing about it and then we have sex. Its honestly making me less interested in sex with him and at 3mos in thats a huge red flag. If I just stop asking for it and arguing over it I'll never have sex. That obviously doesn't make me happy so im considering telling him this doesn't have long-term potential and I'll let him stay til the lease is up as a friend. But I feel like a jerk for prioritizing sex but a passionate relationship is something ive honestly missed since being single.

I also dont know if I should even bring it up. We just wont have sex for the next 5mos and when the lease is up we just go our separate ways without me ever saying a word to save my pride and an argument.

If your partner took sex off the table. I’m talking genuinely no expectations or hope for sex. Would you be more open to other physical (non sexual) touch?

Pretty sure my partner avoids even sitting next to me on the couch so that there’s no opportunity for any kind of cuddling that might lead to the possibility of sex. I just want him to stop avoiding me. I need some type of physical connection (a cuddle, hand holding anything at all at this point). I have never pressured him, I take his rejections with all the grace I can muster, and 4 months ago I completely stopped initiating and he hasn’t so much as glanced my way. It’s been 10 maybe 11 months now? I’m not even sure. I only initiated twice during that time.

Would taking sex off the table take the pressure off and allow us to connect better? Or am I completely lost.

Two years since marriage. I had posted in here a couple of months ago somewhere closer to winters.

We have had a single intimate encounter ever since which we both agreed was a step towards something better. But the regular day to day chemistry never really improved.

I thought Id give it time. Her job has changed for better and so has our home. At this point I am no longer worried if she is talking to someone or is maintaining contact someplace else.

24 months and I dont know her fantasies and she never cared enough to talk about mine. Our relationship had its downs but never that bad to have this abnormal bottlenecks over casual intimate conversations ever.

A slight suggestion makes her crestfallen all of the sudden. I am not that bad of a looker and do my best to provide for her. I have literally adjusted my life around her even while working with a blade over my head with all these AI layoffs.

I have tried to be mature about her past but it cant be at the expense of the life that I had dreamed of being a kid. She was my first serious relationship that led to a marriage and there is literally nothing stopping me from emotionally separating out.

I am done. I refuse to believe that a 27 year old woman cant have a healthy sexual relationship with her married husband. I have tried to understand her for about 30 months but I am done.

I am being told that I am being immature in my expectations of having a healthy sex life. I am 31 and I have a whole life ahead of me. Every bone of my body has resisted the urge to respond to women who continue to hit on me.

She knows this and judges me for saying this earlier in a post I shared earlier in this sub. Yes she checks me account if I am okay and posting something in this sub. If she is so concerned she would’ve been an active participant in what we have to work on but even a suggestive conversation gets deflected right next second.

I dont expect her to cook for me regularly she does it on her own accord when she feels like it but I guess Ill just look for it outside after I break this off clean. She doesn’t care and apparently I dont too now.

I am done.

I’ve only recently found this subreddit. I can’t express how refreshing - yet disappointing it is to find I’m not alone. Perhaps the “symptoms” of my dead bedroom are different, but I assure you, the result is the same.

I’m 62M. My wife (69F) and I have been together for 38 years, married for 21 years. We were fucking like rabbits until about 18 years ago. My wife developed endometriosis - or perhaps it was finally properly diagnosed. She had a hysterectomy. Since then, she doesn’t enjoy sex. She says it’s uncomfortable for her. She has little (no) interest in satisfying my urges - which is kind of understandable. I cannot - and will not - pressure her into something she doesn’t want to do/enjoy.
Naturally, I jerk off and look at porn/pics, but it doesn’t feel right. I still have needs, but morally, it doesn’t see, right.

For those suggesting “cut and run” - if we divorced now, neither of us would have enough to live any kind of life. We’d both be homeless. We own our apartment, but it’s not enough to split and start again at our age.

I don’t expect an answer here, my story is more to empathise with those who share their stories here. I feel for you. If you’re young enough and can move forward, do it.

Sorry if the ramblings of a “boomer” are too much. I can say that finally being able to talk about this has helped me a little - actually, a lot

I (40f) have always loved porn, and haven't had any issues with it affecting my previous long-term relationship. My ex-husband watched porn constantly, but still would chase me around the house and want to have sex with me.

But, my new husband (40m)? He also watches all the time, but has difficulty getting an erection because of it, though he refuses to admit that's the reason. I recently caught him going through all of the trouble of setting up an OnlyFans account, so that he could see some freshly 18-year-old girl he saw on Reddit. Her profile had plenty of videos, but it wasn't enough, I guess. So, despite regularly having condemned OnlyFans in the past, he decided to go ahead and go through the verification process. That's how important it was for him to see longer videos of her. He claims it doesn't matter because he didn't message her, and he didn't spend any money (True, sure). But my main argument is the level of effort he put into just the potential of seeing a longer video vs the ten-second butt rub I get when he tries to initiate with me. If I don't respond immediately, he gives up.

The OnlyFans thing led to a huge discussion where he swore he would just give up porn no problem, and it'd be fine. I didn't ask him to do this; he volunteered. So, I relented, and he initiated morning sex again, but then I found out that he had to watch porn to get hard enough for me. In the morning. I had wrongly assumed that he always did morning because it was the only time he could get hard with me. But, apparently, he still needs help even then.

I try all the time to initiate at any time other than the morning, but he's just always "too tired" or not in the mood, or whatever else. I even tried to invite him to watch porn with me. No cigar. But, it wasn't technically a dead bedroom, because he'd initiate 5 minutes of morning sex every day. Which he knows I take issue with, because I never get off, since it'd make me late for work.

And now? I just told him I don't want to have sex with him anymore. Sex is pointless if I don't feel like I turn him on. If he needs porn to even get in the mood to initiate sex, then I just don't want it. Having sex with me is clearly too much work for him, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be relegated to one more chore on his checklist.

So, yeah porn is the cause of this dead bedroom, because I'm done.

Our relationship started in 2024 through a mutual Discord server. We talked constantly despite the distance — long chats, voice calls, just being present with each other — and eventually became partners.

The beginning was exciting. He’s (26m) kind, thoughtful, and genuinely tries to understand me, and I (28m) try to do the same with him. We still spend a lot of time together on voice calls, watching videos, just existing in each other’s company. That part hasn’t changed, and I’m grateful for it.

But a lot has.

We went through a rough patch where he broke up with me. After a few months, we found our way back to each other. I think a big part of what happened — and what still happens — is his depression and the way he shuts down when he’s struggling. He used to be so open with me. Now I only know something’s wrong when his attitude shifts. We always talk it through eventually, and we both hold each other accountable when we’ve hurt the other. That part I respect.

What I’m grieving is the intimacy. It’s completely gone. No more of that easy, playful closeness we used to have. Even a casual suggestion of anything sexual makes him pull back and ask me to wait — possibly years. I’ve been waiting for over a year and a half now, and he’s said it might be even longer.

I’ve tried to understand where he’s coming from. He’s been navigating a real identity crisis — thoughts about his gender that go back to childhood — and I’ve supported him through all of it without question. When he told me he identifies as a boy again, I told him I was with him no matter what. But after that, he started closing off. Keeping things inside even though I keep reminding him I’m here.

He’s also told me his sexual attraction has shifted more toward women lately. And recently, he mentioned he doesn’t want sex with anyone anymore — that he’s content being alone with his sex toys. He said this won’t change, even if we get married someday.

I asked him if any of this would be different if I were a girl. He said no.

I don’t know what to do with that.

I’ve tried so hard to be someone who shows up for him, who doesn’t pressure him, who gives him space when he needs it. And I think I have been. But I’m losing sleep trying to figure out if I did something wrong, or if I’m just slowly being left behind in a relationship I’m still fully in.

The hardest part is that when I try to bring this up, he shuts it down. “I’m done with this conversation.” And that’s it.

I have no one else to talk to about this. He’s my person, and right now he’s also the reason I’m lying awake at night. I just needed to get this out somewhere.

Normally it’s just HL and LL. Even those can get misused, though. For instance, I’m HL but I don’t want it every day, maybe just 2-3 times per week would be perfect (at least with my current partner). Compare that with other HLs who want it 2-3 times per day.

My wife is LL, she feels that we are having tons of sex if it’s twice per month. Compare that with other LLs who haven’t wanted to have sex in months, or even years.

Obviously, there is going to be some variance in frequency desired in those camps. That’s a given.

However, should we start referring to that last group as NL—no libido? If you haven’t had it in months, years, decades, is it safe to say that part of you is dead?

Might clear up some things instead of lumping all LLs together. Just a thought!

Can't believe I've ended up here. 23F (23!!! ugh) with boyfriend of 5 years, 25M. It's been half a year now since the last time we've done anything at all. And tbh I didn't really want to the last time either, but I thought I'd give it a try.

The problem is I'm the "LL" here since I've historically done most of the rejecting but I feel so justified to not want to have sex. The sex has never been particularly great, but after a couple stints of simply BAD sex, he became a ball of anxiety, always afraid of messing up, and ruining the mood. There were many times where I just asked to stop in the middle of sex because after I got him off, he only put minimal effort into returning the favour or had flat out ineffective technique (yes, I told/showed what I liked) and I couldn't pretend I was having a good time anymore. Part of what gets me going is I want to see the desire in the other person, and it always felt like he was completing a chore, hesitantly.

And frankly I'm fucking upset. I'm upset that every time we have sex I have to try so hard and give him so many chances to try to improve and always come out fucking unsatisfied. I've had good sex with other partners and I miss that SOOO much.

Yes, I know y'all will say I should leave him. BUT IT'S SO HARD. I like him so much as a person and our living situation is so comfortable (we live together) and the double income is so nice. I'm also afraid of feeling lonely if I leave. I've spent most of my young adult life with him.

I can't believe I'm sitting here really really horny and the one person who could help me out with it, I really do not want. I could try, sure. But I'm so afraid of getting hurt and disappointed again. Yes, we have talked about this issue many times, but we can't seem to find a way to actually move forward. Can you even become attracted to someone after you've lost attraction to them? He was never the most conventionally attractive person either, but between this and him putting on some weight (never exercising), it's really hard to lust over him. (For reference, I'm a fit and conventionally attractive woman).

Do I really want to uproot my life to try for someone else?

Hi everyone- newbie here
Newly married 2 years ago (29F/31M) and we’ve kinda struggled with intimacy throughout our relationship but we have hit a new low. No matter what I do, I just can’t get him in the bedroom. This is the longest stint we’ve gone (about 5 months now) without ANY intimacy. I’m talking touching/etc etc. we kiss hello goodnight and such but no make outs.

I’m always the one to initiate and therefore, I’m always the one that gets turned down and I feel so rejected. He swears it’s not me, and that he’s just not in the mood, but he never is. I’ve tried all the cute outfits, trying to be flirty, asking him what his fantasies are, etc I feel like I’ve tried a lot but all lead to him saying “sorry not right now” or “sorry just stressed/tired” but it’s every. time.

I really don’t know what to do. We started to go to marriage counseling in hopes of better communication and hopefully that’ll help too but I truly think he doesn’t understand the importance of feeling wanted by your partner, and the importance of intimacy.

Thanks for reading…

Not sure if this is a rant.. more of an introduction... late 40s dead bedroom since ivf/birth of our son... sex maybe 4 times since... he is 9! Very active sex life beforw marriage and trying to convince. Open relationship/clubs/parties... now medical issues for my wife. Feels like room mates... oh separate bedrooms too... house mates!

So a hello from me, how you all doing!

I swore love and fidelity to her, not celibacy for life.

I don’t even know where to start with this. I’m just going to tell my story and hope someone can give me advice.

I’ve been married for 11 years. At the beginning, everything was fantastic. Our sex life was incredible, very active, and there were no problems at all. We got married very young—she was 18 and I was 19—but that only lasted for about 3 years.

When our son was born, our sex life gradually died. At first, I accepted those changes. I thought we were entering a new stage of marriage and that intimacy would become something secondary. But like I said, it all happened progressively. Nowadays, months can pass without intimacy. Even reaching 10 times a year would be a lot.

I’ve spent years talking to her about it, and although it might seem like infidelity is involved, the reality is worse. Relatively recently, she confessed to me that she simply doesn’t really feel sexual desire.

She would simply prefer for us to live in celibacy. She admitted that while she can reach orgasm and enjoy sex in the moment, she doesn’t feel any need to seek it out.

She also confessed that at the beginning of our relationship, she mainly did it because she liked pleasing me, but the truth is that my “little friend” hurts her. Some positions hurt more than others, and even if she enjoys it in the moment, afterward she feels pain that makes her prefer to avoid it altogether.

Honestly, I believe the problem is on her side. Her intimate area is quite small, and I’m average-sized.

I already talked to her and convinced her to see a specialist so she can get a diagnosis and hopefully solve this problem. She doesn’t believe there’s a solution, and even if there were, she told me she genuinely prefers living in celibacy. However, she says she understands me, and because of that, she could do it once or twice a month at most for my sake.

She’s happy with the life we have, and she’s perfectly fine with me relieving my needs through masturbation and pornography. She has no issue with it.

I got angry with her and mentioned divorce. Honestly, I feel deeply sexually dissatisfied.

She responded by saying she would not accept a divorce. She doesn’t want to separate from me, and I understand that because, truthfully, I don’t want that either. We are deeply emotionally connected. I have no complaints about her in any other aspect of our lives, but I confessed to her that I am not happy living like this.

Then she proposed that if I want to find another woman to fulfill what I’m missing or needing sexually—and only sexually—I should do it. She accepts it and says she would have no problem with it. She even said that if I wanted to have two or more partners, that would be fine, as long as I kept it discreet and she didn’t have to know anything about it.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think. I feel like there simply is no future with her when it comes to having a healthy and active sex life.

On the other hand, her proposal has left me deeply tempted. But the only reason I have not been unfaithful all these years is because of my values and my love for Christ.

I don’t want to fail God because of my desires. In fact, even just watching pornography fills me with deep regret. She doesn’t know it, but I’ve even cried over it.

For now, my plan is to take her to the best gynecologist in the city, have all the necessary tests done, and see if there is any treatment or solution for this problem.

But if nothing changes, I honestly don’t know what I should do…

Do I accept living in near-celibacy within my marriage, even if it means living unhappy and sexually dissatisfied for the rest of my life?

Do I get divorced and look for another woman with whom I can enjoy a fulfilling sex life, even if it means leaving my beloved wife behind?

Do I accept her proposal and seek another woman only for sexual satisfaction? To be honest, I don’t think I could handle that option. I know myself, and I would most likely end up falling in love and eventually developing real feelings. Unless having two wives were acceptable, it would be impossible for me to live that way.

Now I not only feel dissatisfied—I feel lost, confused, and discouraged. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

We have been married less than a year. Before marriage and until about 6 months in, we’d be intimate at least 3/4 times a week and it was very enjoyable for both of us. Now, I (28F) have to initiate all the time and otherwise he doesn’t seem interested. Both of us work full time, but are home by 4pm at the latest. I’ve tried asking about fantasies, being super flirty all day, complimenting, but now I’m thinking he’s just not interested anymore. Looking for any advice I can get.

I (33 HLF) am in what I would call a dying bedroom vs a dead bedroom with my husband (34 LLM). How do you all deal with the insecurity? I feel so ugly all the time. The lack of sex has definitely affected my self esteem. I hate it makes me feel this way, but I just can't help it. How do you turn off that wanting to be wanted feeling?