u/Honest-Parsley-5498

Atheists married to religious spouses, how do you make it work?

I have known for about a year that I no longer have a faith in God. It was slow process, but I would now consider myself an atheist. I have been worried about telling anyone, including my wife, because my entire social circle is mainly Christians.

I just told my wife. It was a big surprise to her. We have both been Christians since we're children. We met at Bible college. She knew I was going through some doubts, but never expected this. All the bad reactions i had pictured in my head came true. She threatened to to kick me out, to leave and take the kids so I couldn't "corrupt" them. But,then she calmed down some.

We are taking a few days to process this, and are going to sit down and talk out how we can work through this and continue to have a marrige together.

So I am asking for advice from people who have gone through this. What can we so to keep our marriage working?

I (M 43) have stopped caring about my wife(F 43). I have never been a great husband, but I've realized lately that I dont care anymore. We've been married for 20 years.

We met at Bible college and got married. When we first got married things were pretty good. But we had our issues. we lived near my family, and after the wedding she seemed to suddenly not like my family. I also had a pornography addiction I was not dealing with. I have never been an emotionally open person and struggled with expressing my feelings. I would bottle stuff up, and then let it out in a yelling match eventually.

This came to a head when we were expecting our first child. In a moment of uncharacteristic openness I talked about my worries about being ready to be a parent. After, she told me I made her feel like I didn't want to be a parent, and wouldn't be there for her, or the baby, and I "ruined her pregnancy." In her defense, as I said, I dont show my emotions well, and I probably didn't express my excitement as much as I could have. We have never been quite the same after this.

Our son was born, and 2 years later we were expecting our 2nd. She was not happy though (she was about the pregnancy, I just mean in general) I had an idea, and we talked it out. We moved several hours away to be closer to her family. I thought this would make her happier, and it did little bit. I, on the other hand, was not. We moved from a city, to a remote country lifestyle. I feel isolated, and bored.

I couldn't tell her that everything she loved about living here was soul crushing to me. She felt I wasn't opening myself up to her, and began to drink. She is an angry, mean drunk. Over the last few years I have taken angry outbursts and been verbally berated infront of our kids. As I have said, I am not perfect, and I deserved some of what I got. But, even before the drinking, I have never felt encouraged by her to be better, just shamed for not being good enough.

While I don't know when exactly I stopped caring, I can point to 2 incidents that were major contributors. The first happen a few years ago. We are both seeing therapists, and at his suggestion, I wrote out a letter to explain my feelings about her drinking, and how I would like her to stop. She read the letter, and promised to set sometime to talk about it. The next night, when we planned to talk about it she was hammered. Her response to my "Sad whiney letter" was that I needed to be a real man. A real man would be able to deal with it. A real man would probably get drunk with her, and then we'd have more fun together. It was an emotional gut punch. I have never brought up her drinking again, and only talk about when she brings it up.

The second incident happened during fight while she was drunk again. We had just had to put our dog down. She got drunk to deal with it and then picked a fight with me because I wasn't being comforting enough. During the fight she told me I was acting like Travis. Travis is the POS my sister was dating when she died of an overdose. Travis was physically abusive, Travis stole money from everyone. Travis stole medication from his own mother to get high, and let her suffer. While my sister was ODing, Travis didnt call 911 because he was worried the cops might show up. There are so many reasons, that my wife know, that I vehemently hate Travis, and she chose to use that to hurt me. Because I wasn't being comforting enough.

Recently my parents were having an open house for thier 50th anniversary. Several months before, here parents had celebrated thiers. After it was over I heard for months, rants about how her brother didn't help enough. When it was getting close to time to go to my parents, she was sick. She had been sick for a while, but not in a needs constant attention way, just vary tired and uncomfortable. She still went out with friends, went to work, but the trip to my parents would be alot. I suggested I go alone. Someone from our family should make an appearance, and it was important to me. I got told that I couldn't go. (Actually I was told if I did go, her and the kids would be gone when I got home)That I was choosing my parents over my sick wife, and I should be ashamed of myself.

I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist a few days later, and we talked about it. We talked about ways I could bring up my feelings, and how to handle things. but I found myself just not that worried about dealing with it. My wife is an angry drunk and a bully. In large part because I am a shifty husband. That's my life. I have stayed with her because if I leave, she'll have only the boys to direct her anger at.

Now, here's where things get tricky. A few months ago she went out with some friends for a girls night. She was drinking before she left, and got very drunk while she was out. (She wasn't driving, everyone was safe) her friends had an intervention for her a week later. She is really trying to cut back. She has tried other times, but this time she is doing much better.

My problem is, I don’t care. She has said some terrible things to me while drunk, and I have realized I don’t have feelings for her anymore. She talks about getting back to doing things together, helping her get over her drinking, and I just can't seem to care. I don't hate her. I think it would be great for her if she turned things around. I think it would be great for the kids. But for me, I feel meh. In her drunken fits She has told me what she really thinks of me, and how she feels. I don't see her as a partner anymore. I see her as a roommate or a co-worker in raising our kids. Sometimes we get along. Sometimes she makes me mad. It doesn't matter, we just worry about the kids. I'm not proud of how I feel. I know I can be more supportive and helpful with her dealing with this. But I'm not. I have checked out.