u/Outrageous_Writer250

Update and rant: I think I’ve finally realized what has actually been happening?

For context, my partner and I have been together around 1.5 years. We started off incredibly intense.. it genuinely felt like a fairytale, fireworks, “I’ve found my person” for both of us. We were best friends, affectionate, laughed constantly and had a beautiful relationship. Sex was also amazing initially. We've also been living together since early on.

Around 7 months ago, sex became increasingly inconsistent, eventually maybe once every 1–2 months.. and now we have gone almost 4 months without sex, and even longer without him going down on me or really initiating any sexual intimacy. I have spent months trying to understand why. And 2 months ago, he had a very sudden conversation with me where I was totally blindsided as he effectively decided that he wasn't sure the relationship could continue due to the lack of sex.

There were plenty of possible explanations: he is extremely stressed, has been in debt for years, hates his job, has never lived with a partner before, we were living in a toxic share house, he has some health issues and possible sleep/breathing problems, etc. He also told me repeatedly that he “didn’t know” why he didn’t desire sex anymore. I blamed myself a lot, including my body and my own anxiety/emotional issues and it was a really heavy upheaval that I carried myself through.

Earlier in our relationship, he said I'd benefit from going back to therapy for my anxiety, and so I've been back in therapy once a week and have worked very hard on myself which he has noticed. I am absolutely willing to acknowledge that I have had moments where I have been emotionally reactive and have handled things badly. I am also very receptive to feedback and have always been willing to change behavior when something is hurting my partner, and he knows this as well.

We eventually went to couples therapy specifically for the lack of sex, which was my idea, and we made a plan to live separately to give each other some space.

The therapist focused heavily on one incident where I lashed out at my partner after he waved at a woman who used to be my friend, had previously slept with her before we dated, and had hurt me badly. I was drunk, reacted badly, and I absolutely accept responsibility for that. We discussed it afterwards and I went back to therapy.

The therapist explained that my partner may have developed a “mental block” where that incident made him feel unsafe, and that my ongoing emotional stress, work stress and other things going on in my life were contributing to a negative atmosphere at home.

What shocked me was how much this seemed to become the explanation for our lack of intimacy. At one point I said these things were temporary and things I was actively working on, and my partner basically laughed and said, “You’re going to be working on this for a very, very long time though.”

I felt like my insecurities and trauma were being turned into the explanation for everything, while his own issues weren't really being examined.

And then I learned something that completely changed how I see the situation.

Early on, my partner told me that he used to be much more avoidant than he is now, which I interpreted as meaning he had recognized that pattern and done the work (I should have noticed the flags).

But looking back, there have been a number of things he has withheld or lied about: his previous cheating, his salary, a woman messaging him who was interested in him, and not telling me about a conversation he had with that girl who used to be my friend, because he knew I'd be upset.

In our most recent session, I suggested that he go to individual therapy, as I don't feel like couples therapy is really doing anything for us, as I see this as being something that Nick really needs to work on. He was initially offended, and he said that it isn't a priority for him right now.

That absolutely broke something in me. He said he has done work, reading, podcasts etc. but I don't think he realizes who he is talking to. I come from a life full of bridges burnt to ash and have been in and out of therapy since I was about 15. I'm fiercely independent and resilient, so when I hear that it isn't a priority, my initial thought wasn't "You don't care about the relationship" it was "You don't care about your mental health".

Our therapist then asked him what had happened in his previous relationships, and in the one before me, they fought all the time but still had an active sex life (This is the one that started from infidelity so it seems as though it was really only physical) which I already knew about... But then the therapist asked about before that, which I didn't know about, and he said "In my previous relationships I would see an emotional outburst and I would know I need to end it, so I would stop having sex with them and end the relationship". I was fucking GOBSMACKED.

That information was never given to me while I was spending months thinking I might be the problem, trying to regulate myself, and balance my life, and all of my other stressors, trying to understand why he no longer wanted me, and trying to help him all at the same time.

He withdrew sexually while I was left completely in the dark. He didn't tell me he was pulling away. He didn't tell me he felt disconnected. He didn't tell me he wasn't seeing a future. He repeatedly said he “didn't know.” Even though right up until a couple of months ago he would talk about marrying and having kids with me, and all of the things that we will do with our life together.

And now, looking back, I realize that he may have known much more about his own pattern than I did.

That's what has hurt me the most.

I don't think I'm analyzing this to death anymore. I genuinely feel like I've discovered something fundamental that I didn't know existed.

I have spent months trying to fix myself and trying to help him, while he apparently has a recurring pattern of shutting down and withdrawing from relationships when emotional difficulty arises.

I don't want him to go to therapy simply because I threaten to leave. I want him to want to understand himself and work on this for himself, the same way I went back to therapy because I wanted to work on my own anxiety and become healthier, not simply to save the relationship.

I do want the relationship. I love him enormously. I want the kind of intimacy where you see each other's ugly, difficult, complicated parts and stay. Where eventually the lust changes, you become family, and you still choose each other.

But I don't want that future with a version of him who keeps the difficult parts of himself hidden and isn't willing to visit them.

I genuinely feel heartbroken. I love him, but I also feel incredibly deceived and let down. I spent almost 4 months being sexually rejected while trying to figure out what was wrong, and now I feel like I've finally been given information that should have been on the table much earlier.

At this point, I don't think I can do anything else for him.

I can communicate. I can acknowledge my own mistakes. I can continue my own therapy. I can be there if he wants to do the work.

But he has to choose to show up too.

And if he doesn't want to, I think I have to let him go.. even though I still love him.

Update and rant: I think I’ve finally realized what has actually been happening?

For context, my partner and I have been together around 1.5 years. We started off incredibly intense.. it genuinely felt like a fairytale, fireworks, “I’ve found my person” for both of us. We were best friends, affectionate, laughed constantly and had a beautiful relationship. Sex was also amazing initially. We've also been living together since early on.

Around 7 months ago, sex became increasingly inconsistent, eventually maybe once every 1–2 months.. and now we have gone almost 4 months without sex, and even longer without him going down on me or really initiating any sexual intimacy. I have spent months trying to understand why. And 2 months ago, he had a very sudden conversation with me where I was totally blindsided as he effectively decided that he wasn't sure the relationship could continue due to the lack of sex.

There were plenty of possible explanations: he is extremely stressed, has been in debt for years, hates his job, has never lived with a partner before, we were living in a toxic share house, he has some health issues and possible sleep/breathing problems, etc. He also told me repeatedly that he “didn’t know” why he didn’t desire sex anymore. I blamed myself a lot, including my body and my own anxiety/emotional issues and it was a really heavy upheaval that I carried myself through.

Earlier in our relationship, he said I'd benefit from going back to therapy for my anxiety, and so I've been back in therapy once a week and have worked very hard on myself which he has noticed. I am absolutely willing to acknowledge that I have had moments where I have been emotionally reactive and have handled things badly. I am also very receptive to feedback and have always been willing to change behavior when something is hurting my partner, and he knows this as well.

We eventually went to couples therapy specifically for the lack of sex, which was my idea, and we made a plan to live separately to give each other some space.

The therapist focused heavily on one incident where I lashed out at my partner after he waved at a woman who used to be my friend, had previously slept with her before we dated, and had hurt me badly. I was drunk, reacted badly, and I absolutely accept responsibility for that. We discussed it afterwards and I went back to therapy.

The therapist explained that my partner may have developed a “mental block” where that incident made him feel unsafe, and that my ongoing emotional stress, work stress and other things going on in my life were contributing to a negative atmosphere at home.

What shocked me was how much this seemed to become the explanation for our lack of intimacy. At one point I said these things were temporary and things I was actively working on, and my partner basically laughed and said, “You’re going to be working on this for a very, very long time though.”

I felt like my insecurities and trauma were being turned into the explanation for everything, while his own issues weren't really being examined.

And then I learned something that completely changed how I see the situation.

Early on, my partner told me that he used to be much more avoidant than he is now, which I interpreted as meaning he had recognized that pattern and done the work (I should have noticed the flags).

But looking back, there have been a number of things he has withheld or lied about: his previous cheating, his salary, a woman messaging him who was interested in him, and not telling me about a conversation he had with that girl who used to be my friend, because he knew I'd be upset.

In our most recent session, I suggested that he go to individual therapy, as I don't feel like couples therapy is really doing anything for us, as I see this as being something that Nick really needs to work on. He was initially offended, and he said that it isn't a priority for him right now.

That absolutely broke something in me. He said he has done work, reading, podcasts etc. but I don't think he realizes who he is talking to. I come from a life full of bridges burnt to ash and have been in and out of therapy since I was about 15. I'm fiercely independent and resilient, so when I hear that it isn't a priority, my initial thought wasn't "You don't care about the relationship" it was "You don't care about your mental health".

Our therapist then asked him what had happened in his previous relationships, and in the one before me, they fought all the time but still had an active sex life (This is the one that started from infidelity so it seems as though it was really only physical) which I already knew about... But then the therapist asked about before that, which I didn't know about, and he said "In my previous relationships I would see an emotional outburst and I would know I need to end it, so I would stop having sex with them and end the relationship". I was fucking GOBSMACKED.

That information was never given to me while I was spending months thinking I might be the problem, trying to regulate myself, and balance my life, and all of my other stressors, trying to understand why he no longer wanted me, and trying to help him all at the same time.

He withdrew sexually while I was left completely in the dark. He didn't tell me he was pulling away. He didn't tell me he felt disconnected. He didn't tell me he wasn't seeing a future. He repeatedly said he “didn't know.” Even though right up until a couple of months ago he would talk about marrying and having kids with me, and all of the things that we will do with our life together.

And now, looking back, I realize that he may have known much more about his own pattern than I did.

That's what has hurt me the most.

I don't think I'm analyzing this to death anymore. I genuinely feel like I've discovered something fundamental that I didn't know existed.

I have spent months trying to fix myself and trying to help him, while he apparently has a recurring pattern of shutting down and withdrawing from relationships when emotional difficulty arises.

I don't want him to go to therapy simply because I threaten to leave. I want him to want to understand himself and work on this for himself, the same way I went back to therapy because I wanted to work on my own anxiety and become healthier, not simply to save the relationship.

I do want the relationship. I love him enormously. I want the kind of intimacy where you see each other's ugly, difficult, complicated parts and stay. Where eventually the lust changes, you become family, and you still choose each other.

But I don't want that future with a version of him who keeps the difficult parts of himself hidden and isn't willing to visit them.

I genuinely feel heartbroken. I love him, but I also feel incredibly deceived and let down. I spent almost 4 months being sexually rejected while trying to figure out what was wrong, and now I feel like I've finally been given information that should have been on the table much earlier.

At this point, I don't think I can do anything else for him.

I can communicate. I can acknowledge my own mistakes. I can continue my own therapy. I can be there if he wants to do the work.

But he has to choose to show up too.

And if he doesn't want to, I think I have to let him go.. even though I still love him.

For those who haven’t seen my previous post, it’s been about 7 months of inconsistent sex, maybe once every 2 months… and I’ve been going through the ringer trying to find the issue, whilst he’s repeatedly said “I don’t know”.

For the record we started off amazing like I mean fairytale, fireworks, I found my person, and it was like that for both of us. He also has never lived with a partner before, and he grew up not talking about feelings ever so it is quite literally a skill he doesn’t have.

It’s also worthwhile mentioning that I am very good with feedback and happy to listen always, and change behaviour as necessary as required. He can 100% attest to this because he says it often.

We went to couples therapy last night and what he said I sort already knew but the way he spoke about it surprised me a lot. He said that there was an instance last year where I lashed out at him because he waved at a girl who used to be my friend and who really hurt me, and he had slept with her before we dated and before we were friends, I found it disloyal and it hurt me a lot but stupidly I was drunk, and I got angry with him about it in front of his friends. (I know this was bad and we had a conversation about it sometime after and we agreed that I needed to go back to therapy for my anxiety.. so I did and still am going once a week and have improved a lot)

Our couples therapist basically spoke to us about how the brain works and that he is experiencing a mental block due to that making him feel unsafe due to that one instance and maybe one other.

He also said that I have a lot of things going on at the moment (I’ve just gone no contact with my parents. That is never easy for anybody?) and my work is naturally stressful. He said that the atmosphere at home is negative which shocked me and I strongly disagreed. And he said that I have a lot going on repeatedly and that I have a lot of trauma etc too.

Later on I said that these things are temporary and take time to work on and he almost was laughing and said “you’re going to be working on this for a very very long time though”. Shocked. So rude.

I think another part of my frustration is that while the spotlight is on me (which feels like it’s been turned in to a mountain out of a molehill) he has so many things that he needs to work on as well but given my emotional maturity (yes im anxious, yes I’ve been through a lot, and yes sometimes my regulation is shit) I don’t see them as blocks in our relationship because most things can be worked out and worked through but at this point I feel like my insecurities have been weaponised against me and it’s a really awful feeling.

I'm 29F, and my partner is 34M. We've been together for a year and a half now and I'd like to start off by saying that we have a beautiful relationship.

From the beginning, we met by moving in to the same share house. We liked each other almost instantly. We spent about 1 month just hanging out, cooking together, drinking wine, laughing and eventually admitted we both had feelings. 2 weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend and I obviously said yes. It has been beautiful ever since.

The one area where we are finding difficulty post honeymoon phase is that we aren't having sex often. At the moment it has averaged out to once or twice every two months. We naturally have quite high libidos, so this has previously been confusing for both of us. I actually couldn't even tell you the last time we made out.

Worthwhile mentioning here that he told me quite early on that he doesn't masturbate/that he can't.

A few key factors in terms of things that I know can generally affect libido:
- High stress
- Work stress
- Financial stress
- Anxiety stressors and self image issues
- Getting stuck in the roommate-paradox (Which a lot of couples experience)

Noting the above factors, I want to note that he has been in debt for about 5 years, and struggles with it a lot. He isn't where he wants to be in life, and he is overall quite depressed. We are living in a sharehouse with an extremely toxic housemate but we can't move yet as my partner does not have the funds to do so. He is feeling unmotivated and underappreciated at his work, which is where he has been for 5 years. He has also never lived with a partner before.

Around April sometime I asked him to see a doctor as I figured it had something to do with testosterone, or definitely the layered stressors. He put this off for 2 months and I had to follow it up, which felt really awful. He ended up going and was told that it could definitely be a mouth breathing issue (He is a mouth breather) and possibly a chronic allergy problem. He has also been given a blood test, and a sleep test.

2 weeks ago, we had a long and very sad conversation about our relationship where he was basically saying that we should break up, which I totally disagreed with as per above. We love each other a lot, and it actually came as a shock to me as we hadn't done any solid work on trying to fix it yet. He has literally only just been to the doctor. He doesn’t see any other way, he thinks we aren’t in a real relationship, he said he doesn’t desire sex with me. We both cried and felt physically sick during the conversation. He cried and said that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, and called me his (pet name). He ended up telling me that he has masturbated a few times and watched porn, and cum from it (This was a big shock to me).

I feel as though we haven't actually tried anything productive, (We've mostly just been silent about it in the hopes that it would fix itself), we decided to give it some more time but both definitely did not sleep well and there was more crying as we are both very much struggling with what to do.

From my standpoint, we need to move out of this sharehouse, he needs to get out of debt. In the immediate future, he needs to do these tests and go back to the doctor (Literally if it is a testosterone imbalance, he just needs some test and will be back to normal), we've agreed on couples therapy. I mentioned he may need to seek a therapist for himself and he said he can't afford it. I would definitely be able to pay for him, but he wouldn't let me.

Since then, I've been going THROUGH IT. I already don't have any family, my friend circle is tight and closed off, I work hard at my job, I have hobbies, but the mood swings I have been having since this conversation has seriously been brutal. I'm scared, I'm heartbroken, I've found that he's followed 3 new girls and they're following him (In the last couple of months), he's spoken about our relationship to his best mate who doesn't provide any sound advice. I've agreed to move out at the start of August and I just overall feel like I'm hurting so much because I feel like I'm the only person that is doing the work.

Any advice appreciated here. I need some girl to girl heart to heart.

Hi gang

I am moving house at the start of August, and our property manager wants us to sign a "Change of Tenant" form, but unfortunately one of our co-tenants (unfortunately this person is the sole reason for a very high turnover) will 100% not sign this document, which means that the property manager won't submit the bond release. The form needs to be signed by EVERYONE. Meaning staying tenants, departing tenants and incoming tenants, which seems a bit ridiculous when one of them are an absolute nightmare to deal with.

Is there any way to bypass this? I'm waiting to hear back from MyBond with a channel I can go through, and also waiting for a call from the Tenants Union for some extra assistance but if anyone has any ideas please do let me know.

EDIT: I'm in Hobart TAS

Hi gang

I am moving house at the start of August, and our property manager wants us to sign a "Change of Tenant" form, but unfortunately one of our co-tenants (unfortunately this person is the sole reason for a very high turnover) will 100% not sign this document, which means that the property manager won't submit the bond release. The form needs to be signed by EVERYONE. Meaning staying tenants, departing tenants and incoming tenants, which seems a bit ridiculous when one of them are an absolute nightmare to deal with.

Is there any way to bypass this? I'm waiting to hear back from MyBond with a channel I can go through, and also waiting for a call from the Tenants Union for some extra assistance but if anyone has any ideas please do let me know.

EDIT: I'm in Hobart TAS

I'd like to start off by saying that we have a beautiful relationship. We're great friends, we laugh, we love each other and care for each other so much, we communicate very well, and any arguments are only constructive, we've built such a great thing together. We are very affectionate.

From the beginning, we met by actually moving in to the same share house. We liked each other almost instantly. We spent about 1 month just hanging out, cooking together, drinking wine, laughing and eventually admitted we both had feelings. 2 weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend and I obviously said yes. It has been beautiful ever since.

The one area where we are finding difficulty post honeymoon phase is that we aren't having sex often. At the moment it has averaged out to once or twice every two months. We naturally have quite high libidos, so this has previously been confusing for both of us. I actually couldn't even tell you the last time we made out.

During most beautiful and healing relationships, it can be normal to put on a little bit of weight, which I have. It isn't a large amount by any means, but to me it is obvious, and unfortunately due to my own issues, I've blamed myself for the lack of sex.

Worthwhile mentioning here that he told me quite early on that he doesn't masturbate/that he can't.

A few key factors in terms of things that I know can generally affect libido:
- High stress
- Work stress
- Financial stress
- Anxiety stressors and self image issues
- Getting stuck in the roommate-paradox (Which a lot of couples experience)

Noting the above factors, I want to note that he has been in debt for about 5 years, and struggles with it a lot. He isn't where he wants to be in life, and he is overall quite depressed. We are living in a share house with an extremely toxic housemate but we can't move yet as my partner does not have the funds to do so. He is feeling unmotivated and underappreciated at his work, which is where he has been for 5 years. He has also never lived with a partner before.

I make more money than he does and can afford to do more things. My personal issues generally stem from traumas that I am back in therapy for thanks to my partners guidance, and some self image issues which have become worse as we have not been having sex. Possibly some sort of emasculation issue as well?

Around April sometime I asked him to see a doctor as I figured it had something to do with testosterone, or definitely the layered stressors. He put this off for 2 months and I had to follow it up, which felt really awful. He ended up going and was told that it could definitely be a mouth breathing issue (He is a mouth breather) and possibly a chronic allergy problem. He has also been given a blood test, and a sleep test.

Last night, we had a long and very sad conversation about our relationship where he was basically saying that we should part ways, which I totally disagreed with as per above. We love each other a lot, and it actually came as a shock to me as we hadn't done any solid work on trying to fix it yet. He has literally only just been to the doctor. He doesn’t see any other way, he thinks we aren’t in a real relationship, he said he doesn’t desire sex with me. We both cried and felt physically sick during the conversation.

He cried and said that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, and called me his (pet name). He ended up telling me that he has masturbated a few times and watched porn, and cum from it (This was a big shock to me).

After I explained how heart wrenching this was, and how I totally disagree with the decision because of XYZ and that we haven't actually tried anything (We've mostly just been silent about it in the hopes that it would fix itself), we decided to give it some more time but both definitely did not sleep well and there was more crying as we are both very much struggling with what to do.

From my standpoint, we need to move out of this share house, he needs to get out of debt. In the immediate future, he needs to do these tests and go back to the doctor (Literally if it is a testosterone imbalance, he just needs some test and will be back to normal), and I also said that I will take us to couples therapy as well because I think he is struggling individually, but we need to discuss these things as a couple. I mentioned he may need to seek a therapist for himself and he said he can't afford it. I would definitely be able to pay for him, but he wouldn't let me.

Update: We had a big talk the night after this, and he basically said that the core issue is that he feels like all of my emotional stress has been weighing on the relationship, and has caused him to not desire or want me sexually... I was very frustrated about this because he never told me any of this and I felt completely blindsided.

Any advice appreciated here. This has been the most painful morning I've had in a very long time. I really think/thought this was my person.

TLDR: We've been together for 1.5 years and my partner thought about parting ways simply due to having some intimacy issues.

I'm 28F, and my partner is 34M. We've been together for a year and a half now and I'd like to start off by saying that we have a beautiful relationship. We're great friends, we laugh, we love each other and care for each other so much, we communicate very well, and any arguments are only constructive, we've built such a great thing together. We are very affectionate.

From the beginning, we met by actually moving in to the same share house. We liked each other almost instantly. We spent about 1 month just hanging out, cooking together, drinking wine, laughing and eventually admitted we both had feelings. 2 weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend and I obviously said yes. It has been beautiful ever since.

The one area where we are finding difficulty post honeymoon phase is that we aren't having sex often. At the moment it has averaged out to once or twice every two months. We naturally have quite high libidos, so this has previously been confusing for both of us. I actually couldn't even tell you the last time we made out.

During most beautiful and healing relationships, it can be normal to put on a little bit of weight, which I have. It isn't a large amount by any means, but to me it is obvious, and unfortunately due to my own issues, I've blamed myself for the lack of sex.

Worthwhile mentioning here that he told me quite early on that he doesn't masturbate/that he can't.

A few key factors in terms of things that I know can generally affect libido:
- High stress
- Work stress
- Financial stress
- Anxiety stressors and self image issues
- Getting stuck in the roommate-paradox (Which a lot of couples experience)

Noting the above factors, I want to note that he has been in debt for about 5 years, and struggles with it a lot. He isn't where he wants to be in life, and he is overall quite depressed. We are living in a share house with an extremely toxic housemate but we can't move yet as my partner does not have the funds to do so. He is feeling unmotivated and underappreciated at his work, which is where he has been for 5 years. He has also never lived with a partner before.

I make more money than he does and can afford to do more things. My personal issues generally stem from traumas that I am back in therapy for thanks to my partners guidance, and some self image issues which have become worse as we have not been having sex. Possibly some sort of emasculation issue as well?

Around April sometime I asked him to see a doctor as I figured it had something to do with testosterone, or definitely the layered stressors. He put this off for 2 months and I had to follow it up, which felt really awful. He ended up going and was told that it could definitely be a mouth breathing issue (He is a mouth breather) and possibly a chronic allergy problem. He has also been given a blood test, and a sleep test.

Last night, we had a long and very sad conversation about our relationship where he was basically saying that we should break up, which I totally disagreed with as per above. We love each other a lot, and it actually came as a shock to me as we hadn't done any solid work on trying to fix it yet. He has literally only just been to the doctor. He doesn’t see any other way, he thinks we aren’t in a real relationship, he said he doesn’t desire sex with me. We both cried and felt physically sick during the conversation.

He cried and said that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, and called me his (pet name). He ended up telling me that he has masturbated a few times and watched porn, and cum from it (This was a big shock to me).

After I explained how heart wrenching this was, and how I totally disagree with the decision because of XYZ and that we haven't actually tried anything (We've mostly just been silent about it in the hopes that it would fix itself), we decided to give it some more time but both definitely did not sleep well and there was more crying as we are both very much struggling with what to do.

From my standpoint, we need to move out of this share house, he needs to get out of debt. In the immediate future, he needs to do these tests and go back to the doctor (Literally if it is a testosterone imbalance, he just needs some test and will be back to normal), and I also said that I will take us to couples therapy as well because I think he is struggling individually, but we need to discuss these things as a couple. I mentioned he may need to seek a therapist for himself and he said he can't afford it. I would definitely be able to pay for him, but he wouldn't let me.

Update: We had a big talk the night after this, and he basically said that the core issue is that he feels like all of my emotional stress has been weighing on the relationship, and has caused him to not desire or want me sexually...

Any advice appreciated here. This has been the most painful morning I've had in a very long time. I really think/thought this was my person.

I’m 28F and my partner is 34M. We’ve been together 1.5 years and overall have a really loving, supportive relationship. We get along incredibly well, communicate well, and are very affectionate. We also moved in together early on (started as housemates), fell for each other quickly, and things have generally felt really special.

The main issue is our sex life. We’ve slowly gone from a normal level of intimacy to now only having sex about once every 1–2 months. We both naturally have fairly high libidos, so this has been confusing and painful for both of us, though, we are very affectionate.

A few relevant factors:

• He is under a lot of stress (work dissatisfaction, long-term debt, financial pressure)
• We live in a stressful shared house with a toxic housemate and can’t move yet due to finances
• He feels stuck in life and has low motivation and low mood
• He’s never lived with a partner before
• I earn more than him, which sometimes affects dynamics
• I’ve been dealing with my own trauma/self-image issues in therapy, and the lack of sex has made that worse

I also noticed I’ve gained a small amount of weight during the relationship and have unfortunately internalized that as part of the issue (even though I know it’s likely not that simple).

Early on he told me he doesn’t masturbate / can’t. I suggested a doctor visit a few months ago thinking it could be hormones, stress, etc. He delayed it, but eventually went. The doctor suggested possible sleep/breathing/allergy issues and he’s now booked for blood tests and a sleep test.

Last night we had a very emotional conversation where he suggested breaking up because he doesn’t feel sexual desire anymore and doesn’t see a way forward. This really shocked me because I feel like we haven’t actually tried to work on it yet (it’s mostly been unspoken). We both cried a lot.

He also revealed that he has in fact masturbated and watched porn a few times, which was a surprise.

After a long conversation, we agreed to give things more time instead of ending it immediately. But we both feel very uncertain and upset.

From my perspective, I think we need:

• To move out of this stressful sharehouse (Probably separately for space to decompress)
• For him to follow through with medical testing and check hormones/sleep/etc.
• Possibly couples therapy
• For him to get individual support for his mental health (though he says he can’t afford it, I would help but he’s uncomfortable with that)

I really love him and genuinely thought this was my person. I’m feeling really lost and heartbroken this morning and would appreciate any advice or similar experiences.