Asked Husband for a Divorce
Long post — I’ve been lurking around here for some time. I don’t know if this post will help anyone, but I also just need to get my feelings out.
After 15 years together, seven years of marriage, and nearly three years of a dead bedroom, I asked my husband for a divorce. Finally, the truth came out about why we had struggled in the bedroom for so long and why he had removed all intimacy from our relationship.
He told me he didn’t love me and wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Honestly, I don’t think he ever felt that way about me from the beginning.
I also found out through people in our inner circle that he never wanted to marry me in the first place. Apparently, he was still in love with his ex, and I guess he settled for me. That’s a hard truth to hear, but once I asked for a divorce, so much of the truth about our marriage finally started coming out—the things I had questioned for years suddenly started making sense.
When I mentioned divorce, he kicked me out of the bedroom but told me he didn’t want a divorce. He said we were “best friends” and that “financially, it’s beneficial for us to be together.” He even told me I could still have a child through IVF because, God forbid, he actually has sex with me.
He told me we would continue sleeping separately in different rooms. I asked him if he thought his feelings about me would ever change. He said no. I told him I wanted a husband, a lover, and a partner. I didn’t need another fucking friend—I already had friends. I wanted a baby with him. I really wanted to have a family, but the one question that helped me make my decision was this:
If nothing changed, would I be okay living like this for another 15 years? The answer was no. And that’s when I decided to leave. It was a hard decision because I really wanted to have a child, but the thought of having a child in a loveless marriage made me think about how that child would grow up.
I knew I couldn’t waste another minute of my life with someone who didn’t want me. I wasn’t living in reality, and I take accountability for holding onto hope for so long. Hope kept me in this marriage, always believing things would eventually change.
We had a house together, and after I asked for a divorce, he started becoming extremely emotionally and mentally abusive. He would get in my face and literally tell me he hoped I would get stabbed and raped when I went on my morning walks. I went to visit my family, and when I came back, he had installed cameras throughout the house and connected them to an app on his phone so he could watch me. It’s fucking insane. I don’t even know this man anymore. I just don’t understand how someone who says he doesn’t want me and doesn’t love me can behave this way.
I moved into my own apartment this weekend. It has been scary because I’m on my own, and I decided to take a lot less than I probably should have just to get out of the marriage. He is keeping the house, and I should be divorced within a month. I know I made the right decision.
I guess what I want to say to anyone contemplating divorce is this: Ask yourself: If nothing ever changed, could you live like this for another year? Five years? Twenty years? If the answer is no, listen to yourself. You don’t have to spend your life hoping someone will eventually want you, love you, or choose you. Choose yourself.