u/2cats_is_a_party

Hi y’all. I’m enraged and need to vent out/ask for opinions. I’m getting engaged in 2 months, and me and my bf have been paying for everything for two reasons:
1- We dont want to bother the families with monetary issues
2- We want to plan our engagement party as we wish, so in a place that we want, with the people that WE want.

Just for context, in my country, couples get engaged (with wedding rings) before the wedding and usually it’s a big party. And it’s done on the bride’s hometown or according to the bride’s traditions. And since my bf’s family is in a further since and most of his family will not be attending due to distance, I promised myself to do the party in a way both me and my bf likes.

When we have started to plan the party, I made a couple things very clear to everyone. From the beginning I told my family that we will pay the costs of the venue, my dress, photographer, we will invite only the people that we want to, and I will ofc ask for suggestions, but never agree on anything just cause.

The invitation part of course caused some backlash. My mom wanted to invite distant family, her friends etc. And of course my eldest sister wanted to invite her in-laws, whom Im not a fond of. I immediately said “I will invite people, and you can remind me if I’m missing someone from the list, but that’s still up to my decision to invite.

When I was going through the list of the guests, I said my mom’s best friend’s name, and unfortunately she is my sister’s sister in law. I have known this woman for 15-20 years of my life (before my sister got married to her brother) and she has always been helpful towards me and my family. When my sister heard her name, she said, “how are you inviting her but not my in-laws aka her parents?” I simply said that’s because she is a great deal in my life, but your in-laws aren’t. After some arguing, I also said “I will not invite your in-laws because if I invite them, then I have to invite my brother’s in-laws as well.” And again for some context, my brother‘s father-in-law is not a good person, got hammered in his own daughter’s wedding and caused a lot of scenes, and he’s one of the most inconsiderate people. After this, she left me be. Until today..

She called and said “I’m in big trouble, you need to help me. Yesterday we got into an argument with my husband because I said “she will not invite anyone that she doesn’t like“. And when my husband asked for an example, I gave the example of in-laws of our brother. And he blew up saying that my brother‘s wife is going to be hurt, she will be sad and it will create drama.” When I heard this, I immediately said “that’s not how you word it. I am not not inviting the people that I don’t like, I am inviting the people that are closest to me.”

Thankfully my other sister was on the line as well and she always backed me up in this situation. I tried to make it clear to her that her wording of the situation is not correct, and this will cause issue, not me not inviting my BIL’s parents. Due to her saying “people she doesn’t like”, he will think I loathe his parents and will most likely talk shit at the party.

I kept stating that’s why I put boundaries with everything, and if someone says something to loop them to me, and that she doesnt have a right to decide, so how does it make sense for her husband to be mad at her. She said that the party will be hell for her due to this, and he will keep talking for days. After many minutes of arguing, I said “I’m the one paying for everything. I dont think anyone else, not even my family has any rights to invite people that I did not. If I see anyone there that I didnt invite, I will make it clear that I’m not content.”

So, strangers, am I in the wrong here?

Edit: please stop suggesting to not invite my sister. Of course I’m inviting her. Any other suggestion is welcome here.