Is this Right For Me?
Hey Y'all – first, thank you for existing. I've been lurking on this board for a year now, and I really appreciate this community. That said, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels at this point and I just can't stop.
Background: I (40/F) just finished all my testing, and have my regroup with my doc in 10 days. Then I go sperm shopping, lol. I've had controlled anxiety/depression always, but have been STRUGGLING since coming off Nexplanon 3 months ago. I have a well paying job, and while layoffs are always a possibility, I feel secure that I could find another role in a reasonable amount of time. I have a good nest egg. I have younger, active, willing-to-help parents.
Overall, I am TERRIBLE at making choices, especially irreversible ones. I've done The Baby Decision and I have Motherhood: Is It For Me? but haven't started it yet. Both feel to me like books to find out if you want a baby, not if you want a baby as a single parent.
My core quandary is this: I know that I want a kid. I don't know that I can manage having a kid on my own.
I'm terrified to lose my sense of self, any time for art, and the ability to travel. I'm worried about managing the overwhelm and overstimulation on my own. I know that none of that is a guarantee with a partner, but honestly, doing this on my own feels like intentionally putting a video game on "Hard." And to continue that analogy, I resent that my only options are to play the video game on hard mode, or to not play it at all.
If you had these same fears, how did you even begin to weigh them? If you went through with it all despite these doubts, when did they resolve? If you've experienced both (i.e. you had a partner and intentionally left with full custody) how did it compare? If you made a mistake, how bearable or unbearable is it?
Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom.