r/SingleMothersbyChoice

I am SMBC. Fertility clinic requires genetic carrier screening before proceeding with sperm donor selection from bank and downstream process. Met with genetic counseling and they ordered a carrier screen test with natera. Gave sample immediately and went home.

1 week later I discover that the pre-authorization submitted by the genetic counselor is denied by my insurance (BCBS). After 2 hrs on the phone I learn it is denied because "not medically necessary". I get the denial letter and send to the provider. Hopefully they will appeal since it IS obviously medically necessary and they won't proceed without it.

In the mean time Natera is pushing me to go the "self pay" option without insurance and pay them like $350. If insurance covers it, however, it would be 0. I don't see why they WOULDN'T cover it given that I can't exactly proceed without it according to the clinic. Natera says the self pay option is only available for 1 more week then they submit the claim to insurance. Insurance says it may take 30+ days to review any appeal from my doctor after they receive it. If they process the Natera claim before they review the appeal or they deny the appeal, the claim will get auto denied and Natera will come for me.

What the fuck do I do to get this sorted out? Natera says they may "consider" budging on the self pay expiration deadline but no promises. Insurance won't process anything faster and the doctor is still writing the appeal.

I hate insurance. Please advise.

Pregnant SMBC to be here!
I’ve had conversations with friends with kids and have heard some compelling stories of being ‘team Green’ (not finding out the sex of the baby before it’s born).

I am kind of tempted to do this as there are so few surprises in life…but the other Type A side of me wants to plan and have all the information! I also think I might feel more connected to the pregnancy and less ‘shocked’ during the initial stages of postpartum.
Keen to hear any experiences!

i know in myself that i want to be a mom, moreso to be one on my sole terms. i have no interest or need for a partner, i'm not attracted to men Like That anyway, they seem more like a nuisance than anything, and as if my lgbtq ass isn't struggling enough, i'm sex averse. BUT i've always wanted a child more more MORE than i want a partner. i'm on talks with my gay friend from college rn who's willing to donate sperm in a cup, which is such a blessing for my situation. i'm basically pretty settled on what i want and have the avenue for it.

that said, the local (or maybe global) cultural perspective on single mothers is so... ass 😭 like i know it's such a minor thing to be upset about when other smbcs have more serious issues, but it grates at me. i live in a traditional catholic country and people literally look down on you for that kind of shit. they'll say you're a fucking slut or you let people just use you, as if heteronormative couples are the absolute pinnacle best factor of what makes a perfect god fearing obedient decent child 😅 people where i'm from can still literally deny your child's enrollment in a catholic school for that kind of shit, which is a big deal cause maybe 94% of schools in this fucking archipelago is catholic 😭😭😭

despite knowing what i want, and how to do what i want, it kind of infuriates me and annoys me and makes me so so sad what people might say about me and my child on the basis of my singleness. i can do away with a person to love romantically, but it's an actual son or daughter i'd like to spend my life loving

I am a 39 yo SMBC of an 8 yo son. I kept his donor’s sperm just in case and, on the 25th September, I started my FIV journey in Spain (I am Spaniard). Previously I had only done insemination.

I have been insecure about it all the time as financially I will manage but struggle and my health is not the best (chronic pain since I was 19). But I am an only child and my mom passed away in 2023 so I wanted to give him a sibling (he does want it since always).

Well, today I had my last consultation prior to the egg retrieval in two days. Apparently, I have so many eggs that they cannot implant a fresh embryo because of health risks for me.

This has been disappointing, as I had everything pretty calculated and now I have to freeze my embryos and proceed minimum one month later (maybe more as in Sevilla in summer it cannot be a good experience to be pregnant).

I ofc consider myself lucky of having the possibility of a maybe succesful future pregnancy (more than 25 eggs between both ovaries, half between 17/20mm). But the journey is not being easy.

Thanks for reading friends!!!!

I am 30F just starting the process of uncovering what it will look like to be a smbc. I don’t have a desire to get married/have a partner but I do want a child. I haven’t always but I feel very settled now in my decision. I had my first appointment with a fertility clinic and I was excited to move forward over the next 3 years. Then I told my friends and family and I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me? Every conversation ends with something like “but if that’s what you want you should do it,” but it feels judgmental and insincere. I’ve gotten “parenting is hard enough why would you make it harder by intentionally doing it alone” more times than I can say. Now, I will say no one seems to have a judgment about being a smbc generally, it’s more so that they think having a child will be so hard that it will just be impossible for me to do by myself because I don’t have a traditional village as my family lives far and I have only a few close friends around (who don’t seem too inclined to help). I will mention the friend who has had the most negative things to say is currently struggling herself with the decision to have children so I wonder if some of her concerns are just projection.
My brother (no kids) is supportive but continues to say it’s just going to be so so difficult to do alone. My dad (kids- obviously) is very supportive and excited to be a grandpa but he will not get off of me about my finances as if he thinks I don’t know that I need a new job in order to afford a child. He also is frustrated with me that I’m upset to have to leave my current job in order to make more money to financially support a child. To him it’s more like you do what you have to do and you have to do this so don’t be upset about it & if you’re upset about it then you’ll hate the next job. Personally, I don’t think my feelings are wrong- I love my job, I don’t want to leave AND I know I have to and that is the decision I will make but I think it’s okay for me to feel sad about it. Anyway, I digress.

So all that said, now I’m doubting myself because I value what other people think and sometimes wonder myself if I have blind spots. I know that I want a baby (& all stages) so badly. I need to get a new job in order to afford it. I know it will be difficult to manage on my own without a large support system but I don’t think it’s a terrible, horrible decision. I don’t think I will be ruining my life or that having a smbc is going to mess up my kid (something a friend alluded to based on her own experience of having a single mom). I feel confident in what I want but I’m really sad that my people don’t seem that happy or excited? Maybe it’s my own projection onto them about my fears but I’m just really struggling with all of this.

FWIW my therapist of 5 years (child free by choice) is excited and happy for me and proud of my decision and thinks being a smbc is amazing but she’s also older than me and my friends (by 8 years) and has friends of her own who took the smbc path.

So I don’t know what I need but I’m just posting here because I don’t have another outlet. Thank you all for reading.

Hey y’all, I’ve found this sub to be so helpful over the course of my journey. My partner and I are living separately so I can fulfill my dream of parenthood. We’re staying together but not co-parenting and feel really secure in our decision. I’ve done two IUIs with a donor and no BFP yet but I’m continuing on (🤞)
I have such supportive family and friends and a stable and flexible job. The support I need is regarding housing, and I’d love to know what you would do in my situation.

Here are essentially my 2 options:

1. Stay with my parents with whom I have a great relationship.
   Pros: save money, take a longer maternity leave, have the extra hands for help and support
   Cons: lack of my own space, dad gets easily overstimulated by little kids, friends live 45 min away

2. Buy my partner out of our house, refinance, and live alone.
   Pros: my own space, a house I love, a huge backyard, closer to friends and extracurriculars
   Cons: less money saved, shorter maternity leave, no extra hands in the home.

I have a lot of experience with babies and children and do really value my own space. But I’m also really hesitant to enter parenthood without as much saved as I could have. What would you do?!

I (35F) am looking to start the journey for getting a donor. I have been researching for a few years, talking to doctors, etc. but feel like there is just not a very clear process of what things you should do, “must do”, etc. I had a meeting with my PCP and a fertility doctor who said I needed to do genetic screening because my family has a history of cancers - when I went to do the genetic screening, they told me it really wasn’t necessary and that it was good info, but wouldn’t ultimately inform a donor selection. It feels hard to sort out what things are actually legitimately important or crucial steps in the process.

I am just looking for some help here from people who have actually walked the path - what steps did you take? What are nice-to-do’s vs. need-to-do’s? I want to get started but feel like I’m spinning my wheels!

TIA!

Hello, thank you for allowing me a space to work through my feelings and make informed decisions. I have a 12 year old son who was conceived naturally. I have been divorced years and have never fallen in love again. I enjoy my life, but always wanted more children and my career finally took off. I can now afford it and have so much time and energy, but am almost 42 and never did egg retrieval when I was younger. I am wanting to adopt or see if I can adopt embryo and become pregnant with IVF. I would need both donor egg and donor sperm (or an embryo). I am learning a lot about adopted or donor conceived children and understanding the needs of a child. What I know is most important is to be upfront in early age and try for open adoption as closed can be extremely harmful to the child. Can anyone recommend any agency or clinic? I am open to international as well. I am trying to find an embryo donor who is open as donor conceived children really need to know their medical history and genetics. I understand some fertility clinics can be "predatory" and was curious if anyone can recommend. Thank you. I plan to research MUCH more and am reading constantly. This is just the beginning for me.

I’m going to start ivf in the next year but the one thing I’m freaking out about going on this journey is what I will do when I have to travel with Work. I travel around four times a year and I’m based in the UK. I do have my mum and sister around for support, but my sister has two children of her own and my mum is getting older (mid 60’s). Does anyone have any advice such as hiring help for a week here and there if I could just about afford that which I’m not sure I can. Or possibly asking Work for extra support here - bringing the child on trips, using a nanny service at hotels. And then I have no idea what happens when the child starts school age. I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out as I go but it’s something I really worry about. On top of potential Mum guilt about having to be away from the child. Any support or advice would be so welcome thank you all so much.

Feeling so nervous... Finished over an hour ago. Felt some fluid leak out, so I'm trying not to convince myself that I screwed up, lol. I know it's normal for some leakage. Just want this really bad.

Anyway, can't believe I'm finally here... Hope for the best!