u/3_2_1_lets_jam

For context, I’m about to go into second year at a university everyone says is ‘really easy’ (small, close-knit) to make friends at. But that’s not been my experience this year, even though I’ve tried everything that ‘should’ lead to friendships. Was wondering if anyone can relate or if anyone has any advice/insight :) (sorry in advance for all the detail! figured it might help context, but do skim :D)

I lived in student accommodation, made every effort to connect with my neighbours/hallmates, and went to several of the events my hall put on during and after Freshers. I joined several societies, attended some of them regularly, and struck up conversations at all of those events, being as approachable and friendly as I could even imagine. After meeting people, I took down their contact info, messaged them about wanting to hang out (if we had established a rapport), and said it was nice to meet them, and would wish them good luck with whatever they had mentioned like an upcoming trip, paper, etc. I talked to people in my classes, struck up conversations in the library, random cafes, and even on the street if I liked their vibe if we kept on running into each other. I joined a sports club, was on committee for it, went to every practice and almost every social.

I’m not an extrovert, but I genuinely enjoy meeting people, and have been told that I can hold a conversation. I smile, practice active listening, and ask people plenty of questions about themselves whilst occasionally adding in relevant interesting information about myself so that they remember me.

Despite all of this — having been to hundreds of society events where I’m passionate about the society and talked to people there in some depth, hundreds of contacts taken down and followed up on — I’m starting second year without any sort of friendgroup, and only one or two friends, and I feel the most awful I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Because I can deal with having few friends — I did in highschool, because most people at my highschool didn’t to be friends with the nerdy gay kid, and it was fine; I treasured the friends I did have and understood it wasn’t in my control — I can’t keep on pretending being ignored isn’t somewhat affecting me.

Because no one has ever told me that they don’t want to be friends with me, or that our vibes don’t match. They just engage in a really stilted way and then pretend they don’t know me/ghost me.

For example, I signed up to a ‘buddy scheme’ a society I was in ran, and my buddy didn’t show up to the initial meetup, but I texted her to hang out a cafe a few days later. She did show up, but was on her phone the entire time, made me feel stupid (by being passive aggressive and doing that thing popular girls often do where they laugh at your sincerity), didn’t ask me a single question whilst I asked her several, and had to leave earlier than she’d said. I figured I just got unlucky, but I’d see her on Instagram posting really sweet messages to people she seemed close to, and I have no idea why she acted so different to me. Everyone who saw we followed each other always told me how lovely and sweet she was. She would ignore or one-world reply to all of my messages, so I eventually stopped trying.

Similar situations happened with my neighbours, people I sat with in the dining hall, people I walked back from activities with, people I met at society events. They’d ignore me or engage casually (stilted conversation, no questions for me despite all mine for them, say vaguely they wanted to make plans but would never show up or reply), but I saw many of them form genuine and close friends, so I have no idea what I was doing so wrong that none of them ever considered me as a friend or even someone worth trying out friendship with.

The strangest thing was when someone would get past that initial stage with me — we’d have a few coffee dates, attend a few events together, open up a bit... and then they’d completely ignore me, or just stop replying to my texts out the blue. Is it really so common to get to know someone a little better and be so against what one sees that the only solution is, idk, to cut them off like this?

I can totally understand not being everyone’s cup of tea. I can totally understand that some people have different communication styles. But being treated like this so often feels cruel, in a way, and as someone who tries their best to be kind, this feels particularly awful to be on the receiving end of. As an international student, I have no idea how to tell my family that despite all the stuff they see me doing on the social side, I’m desperately lonely and now feel like something in me must be irrevocably broken. And, not to pick on other people, I genuinely have no idea why kindness doesn’t seem to be something that people value in their friends, since it’s something I see as one of the most important qualities of such. Absolutely abysmal people (who leaked girls‘ photos, etc.) are insanely popular at my university. People who are relatively self-absorbed or not thoughtful are also able to connect with others so easily, it seems, and I have no idea how that all works.

Question is, I genuinely have no idea why this is happening to me so often, or how to change it/find people I’m actually aligned with.

Is this a common experience? Would anyone have any advice maybe? I’m going to try my best to make friends this year, but last year was anxiety-inducing and self-esteem killing enough, so I don’t know if I’ll even be able to try as hard as I want, hence this post, I guess.

Basically what the title says. Going into second year, but despite living in halls, having an academic family, joining several societies, and generally being outgoing and trying to meet people (ie. doing everything everyone says when it comes to friendship), I’ve not managed to find a ‘group’ or make many friends. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t tend to love nights out, which is how a lot of people said they’ve made or strengthened friendships. I can strike up conversations at society events fine, but never tend to be invited to hang out outside of them, despite getting’s people’s contact info, following up, etcetera. It’s a bit disheartening to have literally stuck up conversations with hundreds of people, only to never have been invited into any kind of group, hangout, or birthday party.

Maybe this is just a St Andrews thing? Everyone here seems to make friends just fine, but a lot of people tend to, in my experience, totally ignore people early on. I put in a lot of effort to try and become friends with my neighbours in halls last year, but none of them ever followed up on plans and only messaged if they wanted to borrow something or something like that. Even societies that seem to be really close-knit ended up as ones where I was repeatedly ignored by most people whenever I showed up, and I’m still not sure why.

Would love to hear any advice, or if people have had similar experiences? I’m genuinely not sure what to try this year, given that I took so much of the usual ‘how to make friends in college‘ advice last year, and it didn’t work out for me in general. I’ve heard that second year’s a lot better since people are more settled, but I’m afraid of having the same experience all over again.

hi all! moving to dundee soon, as someone who loves ceramics/pottery, and it seems like dundee ceramics works is the only studio in the city. which is fine, but i’m a bit worried about what seems to be their business model imo. they charge a membership fee, but also charge for each piece of material (clay, glaze, etc), and charge people to reserve a pottery wheel, as well as charging people who want to fire their work… i’ve been to many different studios in my life and most have had one cost that encompasses most materials, instead of charging for every aspect. i’m not necessarily against this business model, but it does make me raise an eyebrow at the fact that the studio is staffed by volunteers — implying that the people who run the day to day aren’t even seeing any of this money. i know that pottery is in some ways an expensive pursuit, and i’m not against paying for things fairly, but i’m kind of worried about joining a studio (and paying hundreds of pounds to it) where the vibe just seems to be ‘profit, profit, profit‘.

does anyone have any experiences or has heard anything, good or bad, about the studio? or know if there’s other studios in the area? i’m genuinely not bashing this one, i’ve just not yet got a good ‘vibe’ from it yet unfortunately.

hi there! so i’m south african, and not being from the most modern/well-known city, ceramics isn’t super popular or integrated at all here. the extent that most people know of it is when going to one of the few places that allow you to glaze already fired commercial pieces. studios where you do the ‘whole’ process aren’t common, and at least in my experience, are made up of mostly retirees, expats, or middle aged women who do other crafts and have somehow stumbled into this one. i found ceramics by seeing people making stuff on tumblr (an app with barely any south africans on it too, haha), and that’s how i joined a local studio… but i was genuinely gobsmacked at the revelation that americans can do ceramics in high school, separate from a component of an art class, and that people can learn about ceramics at university, etc.

so i guess i was curious about how well known ceramics is in your country/community, and how people usually get into it? do you find there are also similar demographics that tend to enjoy it, or is it a completely different mix of ages, etc? if you studied ceramics in high school or university, what was that like? if you went on to learn about ceramics after high school, how ‘common’ was that, and what was your ‘goal’? just super curious to see how everyone ends up here! :)

hello there! i hope this doesn’t break the rules of the sub — i’ve read them, but not sure if this is exactly on topic. will definitely delete if so, of course.

so the city i live in doesn’t really have many pottery classes or studios, and as a student, i have a fair amount of free time to travel during the summer break. i’ve taken many classes in my city, utilised studios here, etc, but have seen an influx of ‘i went to another country and did a pottery residency/workshop/etc’ content online recently, and i’ve been looking into this a lot more.

so i guess my question would be, as someone who’s not a beginner but isn’t super advanced either, does anyone have any recommendations or experiences regarding anything like this that they’ve done or looked into, where english was the language of instruction? i’ve looked into a few studios in jingdezhen, china, which offer a mix of workshop and studio use packages, lasting about two weeks or more, with staff and teachers who speak both english and chinese. however, other popular options for this sort of thing -- being italy or the usa, in my experience — either go on for many months (which isn’t ideal; i’d say two or three months is the maximum amount of time i’d like to spend on this), or are exorbitantly priced.

i was wondering if anyone knows of any areas that offer, essentially, the opportunity to both learn and practice, for a minimum of two weeks, with some english speakers on staff? this isn’t a sort of ‘voluntourism’ kind of thing; i’m looking at other countries specifically because i’m interested in learning country-specific techniques (which is why i looked at the usa for example; i’d love to learn from some of the native american instructors i’ve seen who offer classes on their specific techniques or traditional practices) or being able to be in a space with other learners, which i don’t really get in my small hometown.

most content i see about experiences like this are done by very experienced ceramicists, who are learning advanced techniques and staying for about six months to produce a large volume and variety of work. as i’m unfortunately not at that level yet, i’m just asking this here to see if anyone who’s wanted a ‘lower key’ version of this has any advice or recommendations :)