Don’t know what to call this
(Idk how this could be nsfw but I’ll put it just in case)
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here. I feel like I just want people to know. I’m human. I don’t know, I wake up sometimes with a pit in my stomach and a cold sweat and I want to get a lobotomy(not actually. Not actually.) to make the buzzing sound in my head stop. I don’t actually know where it comes from, probably irrelevant and no, no trauma to the head. I dissociate a lot and it makes me angry when people lay it out as some casual thing that happens, like a dream. I have it, and it pulls away at you. Doesn’t feel like a dream to me, feels like a loss of autonomy. I don’t know. I mean for me it goes away sometimes and stuff but it never fully leaves, it anticipates the next point of my life to infiltrate. Yeah. I like a lot of things but I’m not good at them. Chess, math, physics. At least the last two are actually easy to become good at though, you can’t just “spam” chess and become good the same way it works for math and physics. I hate not having control over a single aspect of my life and I’ve cut a lot of people off for that reason. Makes me feel uneasy. I think most of this has to do with my insomnia or something. I feel sick all the time and my peak moments are when I’m fully alone. Fully alone as in no friends at all. But I know that’s not a good way to live life. I love the way isolation feels though. It’s like another level of calm. Feels nice. Not trying to be woe is me here, sorry. There’s probably more I want to say but I can’t say it. It’s just a lingering feeling, and it feels like it pulls your sleeve to acknowledge it. So fine, that’s what I’m doing.