Am I a loser? What can I do about it?
Dear everyone,
I need some encouragement and advice. I’m 38 (F) and have no vocational qualification or formal education beyond compulsory school, which has been weighing heavily on both me and my family for over 20 years.
Back then, I attended the highest level of Sek. 1 and was the top student in my class. My classmates considered me "the nerd," even though I hardly put any effort into studying. My teachers disliked me because they believed I had a poor work ethic, was frequently absent, and was too introverted. I even overheard them gossiping about me behind my back. As a result, despite my grades, I didn't receive a recommendation for the Gymnasium in either eighth or ninth grade.
I never registered for the entrance exam because grammar school was only my second choice anyway. What I really wanted was to start an apprenticeship.
I was interested—and still am—in technology, the natural sciences, and art, so I applied for apprenticeships that matched those interests (e.g., graphic designer, laboratory technician, optician, draftsperson, etc.). During eighth and ninth grade, I sent out countless applications but never received a single offer.
I had hoped the vocational guidance center (BIZ) would be able to help. After speaking with the career counselor, he told me that I was probably overestimating my abilities and should consider doing an EBA apprenticeship (a basic vocational qualification). I objected, so he referred me to a psychologist, who administered a professional IQ test (I-S-T 2000R). My score was 124.
After seeing the result, the counselor simply told me that he couldn't help me because, in theory, I should be capable of completing any apprenticeship.
After finishing compulsory school, I attended a tenth school year. There I shared classes with students who sometimes seemed as though they had barely attended school before, yet one after another they all found apprenticeships. I was the only one nobody wanted, even though by then I had become so desperate that I was applying for almost any apprenticeship I could find.
After that tenth year, I completely broke down, especially because I could see how much my parents were suffering because of my situation. I withdrew from the world and developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I had always been a slim and athletic girl, but within a very short time I became overweight, sluggish, and deeply unhappy. I even wrote su***de letters.
Over the years, I continued trying to secure an apprenticeship. I admit that the number of applications I submitted gradually declined—not only because I repeatedly lost hope, but also because the constant rejections became increasingly humiliating.
In recent years, I've somehow managed to survive by working a series of temporary jobs for unskilled workers, or by using forged diplomas to obtain employment. Apparently, I'm not good enough to be offered a permanent position either.
Now I can't even live independently anymore. My last job ended almost a year ago, and I recently had to move back in with my parents.
My greatest wish is simply to complete a solid vocational qualification. I'm open to almost anything, except working in personal care or cleaning sanitary facilities.
The lack of success can't really be blamed on my application letters either. I wrote the applications for all of my siblings, and they all succeeded in getting apprenticeships. Why am I the only one who isn't allowed to succeed? Has anyone here, or someone you know, managed to get out of a similar situation? My evil thoughts have returned. Is the only solution left for me the final solution?