u/3x16

I have pretty bad ADHD in comparison to others, and I try my best to do what I can, but its never enough. My parents are narcissistic, aggressive, and simple minded and don't understand the toll this takes on me and think I am lazy and careless.

I know the difference however, I've taken stimulants, but currently I can't be on them. It just gets to a point where no one really understands you. I'm alienated, humiliated, overstressed, depressed, and anxious every single day.

I can't make friends because I have absolutely no energy or focus that is required for conversation awareness and identity. I legit come off as an idiot in comparison to when I'm on medication because I just CANNOT think, so I'm never representing the real me.

This life feels like a prison even Moreso than it does for the average person. I legitimately do not even think this is a livable condition that I'm in. I'm literally only just scraping by.

I just don't know how to say it, but I get angry at God sometimes because I can never make any progress no matter the effort and I know its the ADHD. And given world events it more and more seems to me like God just left us or something idk. Like I've had these thoughts for a while, but I'm afraid I might fully act on them and just live an agnostic life. Even though I kind of feel like there's no harm in that because it would fully represent how I feel.

What do I even do in this situation, like I genuinely just feel stuck in life due to things out of my control. i'ts exhausting.

I have been going through the hardest point of my life I've ever been in, and this is just a couple months after thinking it couldn't get any worse. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore, all I can do is hope things get better, but honestly my attention is messed up and I'm having pretty bad anxiety and depression. I can barely do anything all day and when I try to medically approach a solution it ends up biting me back and hurting me. I genuinely don't understand what I am supposed to be gaining from this suffering.

I can feel God emotionally, but I can't understand if that's just a mental state of hoping and praying or I am coping with my problems. If I'm being honest, when I observe the world and the mess everything is in I get upset because why is God allowing all of this. It sort of seems like God has left us a long time ago. My situation keeps getting worse and worse no matter the effort or time I take to heal, unlike almost every situation for other people in the world where they do see progress, and a lot of what I think about is how are people in worse positions than me even feeling if I am like this? There is too much suffering in this world and I am very upset about that.

I don't like speaking this way, but honestly I can't stop myself, I feel like any one of these days I am going to burst and go crazy, so I am relieving myself a bit by speaking my mind.