Hi yall i want to ask for tips about finding safe spaces in your local area about neurodivergency.
I have some, but not muslim specific and quite the opposite, very liberal lgbt+, especially autistic group chats.
That's just the thing, i feel like i'll always have to split between neurodivergency and muslim, because i can never be truly accepted as both at the same time.
Some people tend to write long paraghraphs which might be hard to read because they are too long.
A practical solution is to break it down to smaller paragraphs
I have pretty bad ADHD in comparison to others, and I try my best to do what I can, but its never enough. My parents are narcissistic, aggressive, and simple minded and don't understand the toll this takes on me and think I am lazy and careless.
I know the difference however, I've taken stimulants, but currently I can't be on them. It just gets to a point where no one really understands you. I'm alienated, humiliated, overstressed, depressed, and anxious every single day.
I can't make friends because I have absolutely no energy or focus that is required for conversation awareness and identity. I legit come off as an idiot in comparison to when I'm on medication because I just CANNOT think, so I'm never representing the real me.
This life feels like a prison even Moreso than it does for the average person. I legitimately do not even think this is a livable condition that I'm in. I'm literally only just scraping by.
I just don't know how to say it, but I get angry at God sometimes because I can never make any progress no matter the effort and I know its the ADHD. And given world events it more and more seems to me like God just left us or something idk. Like I've had these thoughts for a while, but I'm afraid I might fully act on them and just live an agnostic life. Even though I kind of feel like there's no harm in that because it would fully represent how I feel.
What do I even do in this situation, like I genuinely just feel stuck in life due to things out of my control. i'ts exhausting.
The past few years i haven't been praying (im born muslim) because of executive dysfunction. i had days where i do not believe in islam and days where i feel like it might be the truth. I have always wished from god to make me closer to him during rain/before i sleep sometimes. And lately i have been suffering more than ever in my life and decided to start praying. Im not perfect i still do not pray 5 times and im trying with fajr. Im writing this after i prayed ishaa today. The thing is when i pray j almost feel nothing, sometimes im even get more anxious after my prayer. I also get very distracted during salah probably also because of ADHD. I forget what rakaa im on, accidentally recite the wrong surah, or accidentally forget tashahud. And then i feel more exhausted and sometimes irritated after each salah than connectef to god. (Also wanted to ask if that makes the prayer invalid because i have trouble to keep repeating the salah after each mistake when i struggle to preform one salah at the first place) i feel genuinely disconnected, I keep hearing people that i should do khushu but i genuinely cant feel it no matter what. Any advice? And for those who are always praying is it the same and you just hope that god hears you?
Who with me on this?