Regression.
Hi. I always see people talking about progresses in general, but no one ever talks about relapses and regression.
I started injuring myself when I was in middle school, so about 12 ys. I'd say it was just a phase, I was bullied by my whole class and I did it with the intention of getting anyone to wonder if I was actually fine or not. But then I stopped a few months later. One thing I'll never forget is my mom finding out and making me promise to not do it ever again. Everytime I think about it I cry. I also remember when she showed one of her friends my scars saying how stupid I was in a sarcastic tone. Honestly can't blame her for that, I get that she's a person too and as a parent it's hard to cope with the pain of your own child.
Fast forward to high school, I was really depressed, used to cry at least once a day, but never actually hurt myself. But one thing that gave me that satisfaction was picking at my fingers, or the skin on my arms, or sinking my nails in them when I was overwhelmed. Now that I think of it, it was never just a phase. I just wish I would've acknowledged that earlier.
On second grade of high school I almost completely stopped eating, and now that I mention it my history is pretty full of self-harming behaviors.
A few months ago I did it again. Only my boyfriend found our, not even my therapist, and oh it was horrible. I can still remember the pain in his eyes. I still feel so guilty for that.
To these days I would say I still do it, just not with anything sharp but with an elastic. Everyday I find a reason to do it: could be to punish myself for not getting the highest grade, to punish myself for not having a good body, or just to cope with anxiety. Whenever I can I try to distract myself and just procrastinate on it, but it doesn't always work.
I feel so guilty for this. For the fact that both my mom and boyfriend would be really upset if they found out. For the fact that the reason I do it is not only to cope with strong feelings, in fact deep inside me I wish for someone to notice and ask me if I'm fine. Just to let other know that I'm not doing fine. But at the same time I hide it, because it's something to be ashamed of. And at the same time I feel like seeking attention is something hella toxic and egoistic to do.
I never know how to feel towards a topic, my feeling are always divided (as you could see). I just wish I could stop this habit, stop thinking of all this, stop wanting to punish myself for stupid reasons. But at the same time I think I deserve it, I'm a really bad person and I'm not someone pleasant to be around, so I must be punished for that. I really wish I could build enough courage to tell all this to my therapist, but I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid because all I do is trying to seek for help, but when someone offers it I feel ashamed and sometimes push them away.
I just wish my mind could stop working, really. Maybe that's for the best.