My dysphoria has gotten worse
For some context, some weeks ago I (22 MtF) told my parents that I wanted to transition and my dad basically shoved me back into the closet for a year saying that I had to end my studies and then IF I was still feeling like this we would talk about it. The conversation was so uncomfortable because of the things he was saying, trying to make me think I was just confused, that I went into autopilot and just nodded and stayed quiet.
Ever since then I've been feeling that my dysphoria has gotten worse. Every time someone refers to me as a man or associates me with men I feel this deep discomfort, same as when I go to the bathroom, I always look at the sign and feel kind of uncomfortable, and maybe the worse part is that I'm always thinking about being a girl. Before everything happened these thoughts were more situational and now I can't stop thinking what my daily life would be if I was a girl, what kinds of clothes I would wear for work, what would my patients (I'm an intern on clinical psychology) think about me if I wasn't hiding myself, what would people think when they saw me walking on the street.
I don't know how much time I can bear with this, I feel so anxious that I'm surprised I haven't had a panic attack. Talking to my parents again isn't an option because it would end the same way, with me going into autopilot and agreeing with everything they say because it's too complicated for me to express my feelings to them and I just want to escape.
I'm not looking for answers to my problems (any support and advice is welcome, though) because I know it's just perfect for a therapist to work with but I haven't found one yet and I need to get this out of my chest at least with strangers on Reddit (Yeah that's how bad I feel...)
That's all, thank you for listening to me and I hope everyone can get the help they need for their own challenges in life.
Btw, because I know some people will relate this to the political context of the US, I'm not from there and my political differences with my parents are experienced a little differently than those who are democrats or republicans. The political parties of my country are varied and half of them reach far more into the left than those more popular from the US (The communist party is VERY popular here lol). Just to clarify, of course no hate for anyone♡