Getting bad again
I don't even know how long I've been clean now. I think it's around a month but I just can't deal with life anymore. My friends all feel like they're getting more distant and like they don't care or ask about me anymore, school is getting worse even though AP exams are done, my family fights constantly, and I feel like I don't have a purpose and like I'm wasting my life away. I feel alone. I feel forgotten. I've thought about attempting again and almost did last week. I haven't relapsed yet by the grace of God but I'm probably going to soon. It's been bad enough that I started drinking for a little bit which just makes me feel even worse about myself. Haven't done that in about a month but I still feel like shit for doing it. Everyday feels the same, everyone I know feels like they're drifting away and I'm being left behind again to pick up the pieces of my mind by myself. I don't even bother reaching out anymore because my friends listen to me for 5 minutes before blowing me off. I genuinely feel like my life is becoming more pointless by the day. There's days where I get in my car to go to work or school and contemplate driving off the cliffs by my house. The suicidal ideation creeping back into my life is a constant at this point, there probably hasn't been a day I haven't thought about killing myself in at least 6 months. I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. I feel like a waste of space, an annoyance, an obstacle for my friends that they have to deal with. To my family I'm little more than an annoyance or the one person forced to do most of the chores of the house. I can't deal with my life anymore. This post isn't even because of the inevitable relapse I'm gonna have. I haven't had the chance to empty my mind or express my thoughts fully to someone in months. My friends don't care. My family doesn't know and they would be mad more than anything if they did. I just can't deal with this on my own anymore and it just feels like the more I need people the more distant they get.