I'm So Tired
I have emetophobia, I have for as long as I can remember. TW (This is all TMI and I will be mentioning a lot of stuff) when I was a kid I used to get really constipated, to the point where I couldn't tell if I had to poop or puke, I was always so terrified and I would cry, beg for my mom to come into the bathroom to comfort me, I would refuse to push my much needed poopies out fearing the motion would cause throw up, it was terrible, well my parents got me treatment for my constipation and it did somewhat help, I now poop regularly although 9/10 it is still a very long process. Now to the relevancy, I am almost 20 years old, I know the difference between an awful poop and having to puke, and yet somehow if I had to average it out 15 days out of the month I will have an insane amount of nausea, begin to panic, cry, pray, beg for death (my life is not at risk I am much too cowardly for that and I know the effects that has on others), and even sleep on the bathroom floor fearing throwup just for nothing to happen. Sometimes I do puke, unfortunately I have something undiagnosed that causes me to puke much more than when I was a child, but I truly cannot tell if I'm having a fake out or if I'm going to puke. It is so bad that in my bathroom I have tums, emetrol, dramamine, rubbing alcohol (for smelling), peppermints, a wedge pillow, washcloths for hot and cold water, a nausea specific cup (a second one for if I actually puke), and I'm working on getting those anti nausea pressure bracelets and ginger chews. I have bedding at the ready specifically for the bathroom because of how often I'm in there. My boyfriend even has his own stuff now to sleep in the tub to comfort me. I just wish I could know if I actually have to puke or not, and I wish I would puke less. I hate this. I hate emetophobia