u/67fastbackstang

I’m one week clean right now and I still feel like complete and total hell. I’m physically and mentally exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Literally nothing in life feels meaningful. The cravings come on hard out of nowhere. And I’m still experiencing hallucinations and paranoia.

I’m doing okay tonight so I want to talk about things to make sure I’m okay enough to not relapse again the next time the cravings hit.

I’ll be okay most of the day but when I try to go to sleep at night the hallucinations keep coming back. I’m seeing flashlights shining through my bedroom window and hearing voices outside. I am 99% sure they aren’t real but that 1% of me gets terrified and I go into fight or flight right away. I’m hiding under blankets peeking out with my phone camera to make sure nobody is in my room even though I have motion sensors on all of my doors and cameras through my house.

I am in an IOP program and we talked about the brain chemistry of addiction there tonight and I’m curious if anyone has been through this if you found any supplements or anything that helped your brain regulate itself again. I know I’m not getting proper nutrition right now because I’m too nauseous to eat half the time so I wondered even like if there’s a vitamin I might be deficient in that could possibly help.

I’m just so scared I’m going to relapse again. I want to be clean so bad but I’ve become a chronic relapser. I’ve picked up probably about a dozen white keytags this year. I can’t keep doing this.

I’ve been stuck in a cycle of chronic relapsing every few days or week or two for the past 4 months but couldn’t get my shit together. I was previously 17 months clean and got a case of the fuckits that turned into 7 months of absolute hell. I started in an IOP yesterday so that I can be held accountable to get through this early part that I keep tripping up on. I left there tonight and immediately started having bad thoughts creep into my head so I called a friend in recovery and came over to spend the night at her place so I’m not home alone with my thoughts. This feels like the biggest best thing I’ve done for my recovery since last fall before my initial relapse. So I just wanted to share with people who would understand. <3

I’m only 1 day clean right now but I could’ve easily not made it to the 24 hour mark and I actually chose to do the right thing for once. This shit sucks. I’m ready to get back to the “good part” like when I felt okay when I had over a year before.