u/6ThrowAway_29

This is actually my second attempt at this post. I made my first post and panic deleted it after an hour because I was nervous about it being too identifiable. That being said, I'll make this vague, but try to include everything important. I [19F] broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. We met a year ago, and I knew what I was getting into. He's about 30 years older than me and older than my parents (I don't want to give exact age for privacy). It was also always an open relationship on his side. Last week, I made a huge mistake which blew up in my face. It caused a fight and that spiraled into a fight about our overall relationship. I just felt like I couldn't handle it; the secrecy, knowing my friends don't approve, and being so anxious about him leaving me.

The big problem here is that I haven't felt like myself since I attempted in the beginning of the year after reacting badly to a psych med. I just started a new med, the first since, and I'm scared it was making me impulsive. It's definitely made me anxious and exhausted since I can't sleep without taking anything since I've been on it. I'm also dealing with a huge loss, since I had to leave school to help take care of my dad while on hospice. Now I can't tell if I did it for the right reasons. I miss him like crazy, and I feel like I'm in a panic state since we broke up. Every part of me wants to message him and apologize. I owe him basically everything. I wouldn't have gone to school and found my true family without him. If he hadn't been here for me I would still be in a horrible situation thinking I'm too stupid for college.

I'm sorry if that came more off like a rant or it's too vague, I don't usually post on here but I need some advice. How do I know if I made a mistake and if it's too late? Do I message him or try to move on or maybe even try to have some fun and let myself be dumb for a while? Do I beg for forgiveness or just take this as an opportunity to go back to school and start over again?

I [19F], broke up with my boyfriend of a year a couple days ago. I'm being slightly vague for privacy. He had really helped me through a tough time and I owe a lot to him. However, the relationship was unconventional and there was an age gap of about 30 years. I felt like I was in over my head and like I wasn't being heard. I ended things and it wasn't clean but it wasn't that messy either. I feel like I made the worst mistake of my life and every fiber of my being wants to message him and ask him to forgive me. He's helped get me out of a bad situation and is the reason I've been able to pursue my dreams. The problem is, those feelings that led me to make that decision don't go away. I'm not sure if I can handle the secrecy and the judgement. I can't tell if I want him back because I'm too scared to be alone and move on or if I just genuinely miss him. I'm also scared that I did for the wrong reasons. I've been really overwhelmed with my dad passing and dealing with school. I also started this new psych med and I'm scared it's making me impulsive. I know that sounds horrible, but I can't make out how I really feel right now. Part of me wants to message him, part of me wants to be alone, and part of me wants jump into dating again and maybe have fun for a while or find the one. I'm just not sure what the right move is. I would really appreciate any advice.