Testosterone made my dysphoria worse?
I hope this isn’t too much of doomer posting, but I’m curious about others.
There’s been no changes on testosterone I dislike so far, if anything I want more. I pass almost 100% of the time in public to the point it’s caused ID issues. It’s nice sometimes being able to listen to my voice in videos has been the best part. Getting much stronger is great, it’s surprised me a few times with how much I’m able to lift now. According to people I’ve asked my transition has been completely successful.
I don’t really feel that way at all. In my head I still look like a girl, and I’ve been shying away from intimacy and showing skin more than ever. I just feel like a hairy woman. Before my transition started I remember sending a few nudes to my lover (who I’m still dating). It was weird for me at the time, but it felt more like I was sending pinups of some random girl rather than photos of myself. It kept her happy too so I kept doing it for a little before we both got kinda bored. Now I look back at it and feel sick. I was able to look at my body before, because it really didn’t feel like mine. I was a guy who just happened to be piloting around a girl suit for a while. Now that I’m on testosterone I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel the same level of dysphoria I did back in middle school. It’s terrible, I feel like I’ve regressed. I’m so incredibly reminded of the fact this body is the one I’m stuck in and I can’t dissociate from it anymore. I put so much emphasis on testosterone my whole life and now that I’ve started it I feel… underwhelmed. It hasn’t all clicked into place like a lot of other trans people describe it doing. I’m still mentally unwell, my anxiety hasn’t gone down, my dysphoria still chews at me relentlessly. It makes me wonder if I’m really trans since my experience is so different from all the others I’ve seen. I also feel ungrateful since I do pass now, and I know that’s a privilege. Has anyone else felt this way? What fixed it?