u/7861scream

sigh…

I'm a sole pastor at a church and for the past year I have been experiencing difficulty abiding with Jesus. I've been an assistant pastor for two years, then a copastor for a time and then an interim and now a full time pastor. I understand and don't downplay Scripture's role of speaking to me, however lately it's illumination seems dim, or afar.

I have a an understanding that emotions are part of our design as humans and are not inherently sinful, or defaulted to the way of the flesh. I believe God uses our senses at times to be aware of His presence and or leading. I believe, and of course I have to be open to misinterpreting in hindsight, that I have experienced His presence more frequently, prior to becoming a pastor. I also believe that as we go through trials, and wilderness seasons that we experience different aspects as our faith is tested. Kind of like being pruned, yet not in a condemning way.

I guess I am getting concerned as a leader in the congregation. Shouldn't I experience His abiding presence at times? Could sin be in the way? I definitely have had my share of sins that I have confessed, but I don't know if I am having a blindspot concerning that. Is He really exposing the holes in my faith to really lean on Him, even if I never experience His presence again? I am currently feeling that I shouldn't rely on my feelings, and at the same time, as His adopted kid, I want to hear from My Father just a word, or know without a doubt that His Spirit is felt, you know? I feel like I am spiritually backwards. I think I have felt His leading more years ago, and had tons of sins that I was not even close to working on! I don't know. I could just be having a woe is me pastor pity party, but I could use prayer because I don't want the congregation to suffer because I can't assess His leading.

I plan on continuing to preach faithfully to the text, and will always pray and have His people in love and mine concerning sermons, yet I desire His leading where there's no room to go "is that you?" I communicate my struggles to a couple of people, but I need to be comfortable saying: I don't feel His presence in this season. I for the first time don't have a regular mentor for week in and week out (which I am going to be working on, because I've always had one until the past few months.) I know that may sound fear based, but that's where I am at. This church has gone through a lot of transition, without giving a lot of info within the past couple years.

Prayers and a kick me in the pants are always appreicated, same with encouragement, but I don't know what I actually need.

Like do you mix any two together, or mix an energy drink with seltzer, or juice? (excluding. 21+ drinks.)

My favorite is Monster OG zero sugar with Coke Zero.