r/pastors

I have a Celebration of Life scheduled for this coming Sunday, on a beach, 1 1/2 hours away from me. I have the prayers, basic outline of speakers (only 12 family members), a special rose ceremony planned, and now the list has expanded to include poetry reading from the deceased (for me to read), and a long letter from a family friend, (for me to read). I am more familiar with weddings and could use some advise as I do not want to over charge.

Additionally, I have been invited to lunch after the ceremony... I am looking to do the right thing. I did not know the person being celebrated but was referred to the family by a longtime friend who will be with me as she is a musician who has been requested to perform a song.

The family has some "issues" as most want this to be a celebration and some who prefer this be a remembrance. Some wanted ashes provided to each family member but one in particular said absolutely not and required the ashes be buried, intact, in a plot.

Also, some family are Christian and want some religious structure, and others are mor spiritual (but not Christian), and one full blown Atheist...

Thank you in advance for any insight or recommendations.

Hey everyone! New pastor here: I'm 27 years old, recently ordained, and have been serving a mainline Protestant congregation as their only full-time pastor for the past 3 months.

My question is really the following: in situations where you have to correct behavior at the level of church leadership, how do you balance being firm and being compassionate and pastoral? Is the image I have in my head of the totally dispassionate, non-anxious pastor inaccurate or fanciful?

This question has been my main area of struggle since I started at this church. It's a small church, and the church council has only 5 other members besides the pastor. The church had been without a full time pastor for years, and hence has a very long history and conflict in their leadership , and the broader congregation. The short of it is that the two most committed people on the council (the president and the treasurer) absolutely despise one another. They are fighting constantly, and it dates back years.

The root of it stems from the fact that the treasurer tries to be the boss of everyone else, order them around, constantly check up on everyone else's responsibilities that don't pertain to his role, etc. They all resent him for it, and it is neverending. This resentment leads to direct confrontations that are heated and personal.

As a result, ive had to have multiple conversations with him, explain to him that he isn't in charge, to stay within his role and responsibility, etc. (He is by no means the only problem on council, but he is by far the most resistant to any kind of change to what he imagined was his "leadership authority".)

I preface every conversation by listening and exploring with him the roots of his anxieties and frustrations in a compassionate way -- at this point, I feel I have a solid grasp of where his habits come from. I also explain to him how I understand that voids in leadership are filled in the absence of a pastor and that this leads to confusion and conflict among council.

However, I have also had to be firm with him, and to tell him bluntly that he is not in charge of other people, that they don't answer to him, etc. These conversations sometimes have been heated. When they become heated, I feel like a failure for not maintaining a neutral, non-adversarial tone.

I've gone through CPE and have a solid foundation in the fundamentals of pastoral care, but this is my first experience of ministering to, and working with, someone who is directly causing conflict.

How do you all assess your pastoral care with people causing trouble at church?

TL;DR - Treasurer keeps stepping out of bounds, and I've found it very hard to remain impartial or dispassionate during these conversations. How do you balance the need to be passionate/pastoral with the need to be firm?

Me and my wife are Youth pastors. About 65-80 kids on Sundays, 50-60 on Wednesday.

We run services and oversee about 45 volunteers in a church of about 400 members.

We don’t really do much outside of preparing, planning and doing 3 services a week. (2 Sunday morning and 1 Wednesday). I’d say 20 hours a week between my wife and I.

We currently make about $5,700 a year but are considering asking for a modest raise. We both work full time and don’t necessarily need the money, but definitely wouldn’t hurt either.

I assume we are very likely due a raise, but what’s an appropriate ask? $15k a year? $20k? $10k?

What are your thoughts?

I have a friend who left engineering to be a pastor, he’s in seminary now. He’s like 42, not really “old” but he will be 45 by the time he graduates and is open for call. He is a little worried some might see him as too old for the job, but is trusting God of course. I was 31 when I stated pastoring.

Do churches really want young seminary grads or are they open to older pastors? any other second-career pastors here too?

I know this will make some people uncomfortable, but here it is:

Many pastors spend their lives saving other families while their own family slowly starves for attention.

The church gets the best of him. The wife gets what's left. The son learns to stop asking. The daughter learns to stop expecting.

Everyone praises the sacrifice of the pastor.

Very few talk about the sacrifice of the family.

The late-night calls. The interrupted dinners. The canceled plans. The emotional unavailability. The expectation that the family should "understand" because it's ministry.

I've heard people say that a pastor's wife lives like a widow and his children like orphans.

For some pastor's families, that's not an exaggeration.

A man can be physically present in the house and still be emotionally absent because he belongs to everyone else.

The congregation knows his sermons. His family knows his absence.

What's heartbreaking is that many pastor's kids grow up feeling guilty for having needs because the church's needs always seem more important.

So they learn not to ask. Not to complain. Not to take up space.

Then years later, everyone wonders why so many pastor's kids struggle with resentment, burnout, people-pleasing, addiction, anxiety, emotional numbness, or walking away from church altogether.

Maybe because ministry was never supposed to cost a family its husband, wife, father, or mother.

Maybe the first flock a pastor is called to shepherd is the one sitting around the dinner table.

Anyone else resonate with this, or was your experience different?

I am the candidate of a church search right now in rural Montana. I have completed the questionnaire they sent candidates and next I assume they will move to an interview phase. My question is this, how can i even start to prepare myself for this interview and what things might increase my chances for being chosen?

Hello, I am almost done with undergrad (3 semesters left), and planning on starting a dual master degree m.div/mba. However, before I progress further I had a few questions.

1. I have a criminal background and have been to prison, twice. My specific charges are possession and intent and firearm charges. These respective charges are 10 years old, and 7 years old. Not on probation. I also have a pretty large tattoo of brass knuckles on the side of my neck, and various other tattoos on my arms. Nothing offensive, and not sleeved or anything. How should I overcome these barriers?? I am completely reformed in Christ, with a wife 2 kids and a successful career as a truck driver, and do not smoke drink or watch pornography. But I do not want to pursue a masters degree if a decent paying pastoral job is not in my future (I have investments and side income, so not looking to make a lot of money from ministry).

2. I have been heavily involved in Messianic Judaism for 7 years now, ever since I came home from prison. However, I realize that there is not much room for me to progress to pastoral positions, as I am a Gentile and not Jewish. Therefore, I am just now exploring what denominations to pursue pastoral positions in. I am leaning towards Assembly of God, but other denominations that are forgiving of criminal backgrounds are open. My only non negotiable doctrine wise is not an affirming denomination, and not a replacement theology denomination. Advice welcomed.

3. Should I automatically pursue my m.div/mba after undergrad seminary?? Or should I wait for a pastor to take me under their wing, or to accept an assistant/associate pastor role first??

Thank you for your opinions and advice.

Today in worship it was powerful! The spirit was alive and God was in the place!

I preached on hope and having hope in the world today.

Communion was beautiful.

By the benediction it was clear God had done some work today!

As I give the benediction, one last word of hope. I pause to take a breath and the greatest movement of all happened.

An infant decided to loudly fill his diaper.

It was hilariously perfect timing.

Remember folks, never take church that seriously. It will end up filled with crap…..

Hope it’s okay for me to post here. I’m total laity.

As a kid, I wanted to go into ministry (even though my family didn’t go into church till I was like 16 or 17.). Now, I’m a middle age dude and a lawyer. I enjoy my work, and I believe it has value, but it has nowhere the vibrancy or importance of tending Christ’s sheep or spreading the gospel.

It has got to be exhausting to spend your life thinking consciously about the stuff that matters most and tending probably actively to some of the most complicated members of the church.

Anyway, this might not be coherent, but I guess I’m thrusting at something vaguely like 1 Corinthians 12. This part of the body is grateful for y’all.

I’m struggling with this one, y’all. I’m starting at a new church in literally three days and I got an FYI that our youth pastor, who’s also a coach at our local high school, handed a beer to a senior during a celebration after winning state championship.

The school resource officer isn’t pressing charges and he came clean to the parents of the student. He lost his coaching position and is moving in three months as-is. My predecessor and SPRC chair both had a serious conversation with him and he showed signs of serious repentance. They all agreed to just let him finish out his three months no harm no foul.

While I want to show grace, I feel like we also need to do something to assure the parents of the kids in our youth group that we are aware of the situation, we have taken steps to assure our kids are safe.

What would you do as an incoming pastor?

Taking a 6 week sabbatical in July/August - I know everyone’s focus is different; I’m really concentrating on personal spiritual formation, ministry vision, and developing myself as a shepherd.

For context: been in my church 7 years, navigated a painful split 2 years ago and I’m feeling pretty burned out/ beat up.

I think there are very little bridges from the church to mental health supports, e.g. licensed therapists or social workers, and would like to see ways in which churches are integrating these.

I have seen some churches partner with licensed private practices and counseling centers. Some churches also have a counseling crisis team with licensed clinicians who will, as a ministry, reach out to church members who might need some support. There are pastors who have counselors serve as congregational care directors or even as a resource for when they bump into a sticky pastoral care situation.

I'm also wondering if trauma is a lens by which you filter your preaching at all. I have been reading a book called Unspeakable: Preaching and Trauma-Informed Theology by Sarah Travis which has been really eye-opening for me.

Open to your thoughts!

thanks in advance

I just want to vent out my sadness here… since I can’t speak about this to our small community church.

hi, i’m 28, single, and a pastor.

And being a full time pastor to a young and struggling church is literally the hardest thing I did in my life… and for the last five years I’ve been trying and giving all i could.

Gladly, God has been faithful to our church. we are gradually growing in numbers and the congregation always comes home with a well-fed spirit from the Word. Though majority of our members doesn’t come from a well-off situation, i’m just glad that despite of those challenges, we are able to commit and serve God and his people.

i’m just glad and maybe somehow surprised how God made me survive with $4,000 yearly salary… i cannot deny that its so painful and its so hard.

but deep inside me, there is joy and peace that maybe in some way, God uses me as his instrument for his glory, especially for these people who have no hope but God through this small church.

thanks for listening… i just need to let it out. 😊 good night my brethren’s

Hi everyone,

I`m from Brazil, and I had a question about how you felt in my situation. And sorry, because (obviously) english is not my first language. 

Just a contextualization about Brazil: In most cases, here, a pastor doesn`t consider actually a professional way, is more related to some type of spiritual resignation. Therefore, most pastors not only receive no pay for their work, but also pay church expenses out of their own pockets, and commonly we don`t have a specific couple of pastors in a church`s (Sure, it depends on the size).

So, in this context, I`m 27 and have attended the same church for 9 years, I`m married and don`t have children yet. In our church there are 4 pastors, only the senior pastor in full time. 

I have a call for a pastor and my church recognizes that, probably I`ll become a pastor in the next few years. But I have a strong wish for work all the time and not only in the part time. Here, we almost don`t have jobs when you work some hours a day. I work 9-11h a day and need to do other things related to church, take care of people and study in time left.

I have a good career expectation in the technology field and receive a good salary now. However, I really don`t want that for my life. I can`t see myself working for that in the next 5-10 years, when I try to think about the professional future, I only can see ministry. But, in this year something happens and it seems like the perfect opportunity to do something. So, although I`d wanted that for a long time, for the first time I have the courage to talk to my pastor about work in church and we are praying for that. 

Right, the decision seems to have been made. But, what do you do about the questions and thoughts?

Although my wife has been agree, she had a lot of uncertain about values and some things (probably I`ll receive 4 or 5 times less and don`t have any career expectation in that church)

I never felt that thing so near and now I`m feeling nervous, and the difficulty to understand the God`s voice, because this is a thing I have wanted for a couple of years. So, this complicates my capacity to know God`s wish.

So, if this occurs, the plan is to focus on those activities that I wrote and learn with the senior pastor, I don`t have a plan after. 

So, I would like to read about your experiences and what you think.

Need some feedback from other pastors. Im the pastors assistant at my church. Recently I told him about a church attendee thats been acting really creepy. Started trying to sit near my wife when the church is kinda empty at beginning of service and just recently during prayer he touched her hair. The security camera showed him scanning the room and moving towards her pretending to pray.

I spoke to this individual who claimed ignorance of it all and spoke to other members who claim he tries to hard to speak to children and has been caught looking at pornographic stuff (idk what he was scrolling through). While other members say God is merciful and forgiving etc.

The lead pastor's been really nonchalant and didnt really respond to any of this. He got defensive when I told him hed act different if it was his wife and disrespected me. His main focus throughout this has been my anger and that I cant get angry being a leader at church.

What would you do as lead pastor?

Hey colleagues, I am looking for a good printed resource for a pastor to use as they start their ministry in a non-denominational church. Something that has outlines and/or liturgies for weddings, baptisms, occasional prayers, and that sort of thing—but without a specific denominational tie. Does this exist?

I've been a FT youth pastor at my church for almost 5 years. Before that, I was a PT youth pastor at a church my wife and I really loved. Took a break during COVID before taking up my current role, which involved a big move.

5 years in, my wife and I are still pretty unhappy in our current church. It's...fine. Other people really love the church, but we both feel like it's hard to get on board with the overall vision and direction of the church. I'm on good terms with all the staff, including the other pastors. We have four beautiful girls who all seem to be growing in their relationship with the Lord and have meaningful friendships in the church. We are nervous about the idea of forcing them to leave those behind when they made a hard transition when we first came here.

Without getting too specific, our 'issues' at our current church are mostly preferences. There's no theological issues or even secondary important issues. But my wife and I both agree that if I weren't on staff here, we wouldn't be bringing our family here every week. Neither of us have found deep friendships at this church (maybe because I'm a pastor? Maybe just the area we're in?). My wife isn't flourishing and I'm feeling stuck and frustrated. Can anyone offer insight or thoughts? I've been stuck in my head on this for so long, I could use some outside wisdom.

TL;DR - made a big move to current church, kids are doing well and are happy there, parents are not. Dad is on staff as youth pastor.

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