u/Miserable-Mix210

I’m really hurting and would appreciate honest Christian perspectives. I’m trying to understand whether I’m looking at this situation correctly.

I was in a relationship for almost two years with a man who is preparing to become a pastor. We loved each other deeply, but we had some major disagreements about what our future marriage would look like.

He told me that he believed I was the woman God had chosen for him because his brother, who is a prophet, had told him that God had revealed this to him. I’m Catholic, but I was willing to consider converting because I loved him and wanted the relationship to work.

However, there were things about his church and family structure that I struggled with. His father founded the church, and my ex believed he would eventually take over the church. His brother is the prophet, and I was told that when we married, we would need to pledge our loyalty to the prophet and the God he serves and always approach God through him.

There were also expectations about our future family. He wanted children and believed some of our children were predestined to become a pastor and a prophet. He said God had instructed him to adopt his nephews, (his prophet brother children, the prophet and doesn’t work rather focuses on the work of God and the wife doesn’t work as well) and that as him and his wife(me by the time) would have significant responsibility for caring for them. He also expected his wife to take care of his mother in her old age and be at the forefront of the church and family.

These were some of the things we disagreed about. I understand taking care of one’s family of which I would have done as well but I also believe in boundaries I believed we would help his family in the comfort of their homes. We initially broke up because of these differences. Later, he sought God’s direction about us through fasting and prayer through 30 days and through his brother and we reconciled and tried again for 2 months. There were many good things about our relationship. I genuinely loved him.

Eventually, however, he decided that it would be wiser for us to break up because he believed that our differences could cause bigger disagreements in the future, particularly because of his calling, family responsibilities and what would be expected of his wife. I was starting to heal and understand that his ministry work would have been too much and I somehow blame myself for being blinded by love.

What has broken me is what happened afterwards.
He moved on and started pursuing another relationship within about two months of our breakup. I was still deeply grieving. I was crying, struggling to accept that the relationship was really over, and honestly could not fathom the person I loved being with someone else so soon.

What makes it especially difficult is that before the breakup he had told me that he wouldn’t move until God told him to. He had presented himself as someone who waits on God regarding major decisions, especially marriage.
But after we broke up, his explanation was that he had to move forward.

He told me that he was also in pain and that about a month after the breakup he was very down. He said church elders prayed for him. But he told me he “fought it” and suppressed his feelings because he has parents who are getting older and look to him, and a family that needs him.
He also said that his time was getting closer because the church was almost finished being built and he would soon be ordained/anointed as a pastor. He felt that he needed to move forward and find someone.

He said something along the lines of, “Finding another person is something else,” and explained that he had to suppress his feelings because of his responsibilities.
At the same time, he told me:
“I haven’t gotten over you. Trust me on this.”
He also said:
“You’re in pain, so much pain, and this makes me sad really. I really loved you, loved you so much.”
And:
“Me moving on doesn’t mean I have lost my love and care for you.”

He said that he had to accept that we couldn’t spend our lives together and that, once he realised that, he needed to move on for his peace.

He also told me that he initially thought that because I loved him, I would follow him and become exactly the way he wanted me to be, and that he later realised he was wrong about that.

He has also told me that the fact that I am taking longer to heal is okay because we are different.
But I am struggling enormously with this.
How can someone say they haven’t gotten over you, say they loved you deeply, say they were in pain, suppress those feelings, and then move into another relationship within two months?

Is that actually healthy emotional processing, or is it simply a different way of coping?
From a Christian perspective, if someone is still grieving a serious relationship, should they take time to process it before pursuing another person? Or is it perfectly reasonable to suppress the feelings and move forward if they believe they have responsibilities to their parents, family and ministry?

And what about the fact that he had previously said he would wait until God told him to move? Does moving on so quickly because his parents are getting older and because his church is almost completed fit with genuinely waiting on God?

I am not saying that he should have stayed with me. I understand that people can love each other and still conclude that they shouldn’t marry.

What hurts me is that I was still weeping and trying to process the loss of almost two years together while he was already pursuing someone else.

Sometimes I find myself wondering whether there is something wrong with me because I am taking so long to heal. I also struggle spiritually because he seems to have been able to move forward so quickly, and I wonder whether God is somehow helping him more than He is helping me.

I just feel deeply hurt and confused.
From a biblical and Christian perspective, how should I understand this? Is moving on within two months while still admitting you haven’t gotten over your ex healthy? And am I wrong for needing much longer to process the relationship?

I would genuinely appreciate some perspectives on a situation involving a couple I know who recently broke up. I wasn’t raised in a Pentecostal/prophetic environment, so I’m trying to understand whether what they experienced is common in Malawi.

The man is training/serving as a pastor, and his family has a strong prophetic/church structure that was started by his father. He believes that major decisions in his life are guided by a prophet, who is also his brother, because he believes God speaks to him through the prophet.

He expected his future wife to be very involved in his family and church life. This included helping care for his mother as she gets older, helping with family responsibilities, being involved with church members, and helping care for children within the extended family, including the prophet’s children.

He also believed that marriage means becoming part of the husband’s wider family and that a wife should follow her husband’s leadership and support his calling.

The woman was willing to support his family and help where she could, but she felt that the couple should discuss and agree on boundaries and how much responsibility they could realistically take on. She didn’t necessarily agree that all extended-family responsibilities should become the wife’s responsibility or that everyone should effectively be accommodated within the couple’s household.

Apparently, the man felt that this was not really negotiable because he believed God had instructed him that this was the way things should be. He also expected her to pledge loyalty to the prophet.

They ultimately broke up because he felt she might struggle with these responsibilities and become unhappy in that kind of life.

For those familiar with Malawian culture and Pentecostal/prophetic churches:

Is this kind of expectation common among pastors or people from prophetic churches?

Is a pastor’s wife traditionally expected to take a leading role in caring for her husband’s parents?

Is helping care for extended-family children, including a church leader’s children, considered an expected responsibility?

Would a couple normally discuss and agree on boundaries around extended-family responsibilities, or can these responsibilities be considered part of the wife’s role by default?

How much authority would a prophet traditionally have over a pastor’s personal decisions, relationships and marriage?
Is this primarily Biblical teaching, Malawian cultural tradition, or something specific to certain families/churches?

I’m genuinely interested in understanding whether this is broadly Malawian, common within certain Pentecostal/prophetic communities, or specific to this particular family.

I’m trying to understand a church structure that I’m not familiar with, and I’d appreciate hearing from pastors or people who grew up in similar churches.

I knew someone whose family started their own church. His father is the pastor, and he says he is next in line to become the pastor. His brother is recognized as a prophet, and from what I observed, the family seems to consult the brother for major life decisions because they believe he receives direct guidance from God.

This made me wonder:
Is it common in these churches for the pastor to seek guidance through the prophet rather than praying and discerning God’s direction independently?

Is a pastor expected to accept a prophet’s words without questioning them, or is it acceptable to test or challenge prophetic messages?

If a prophet says, “God told me…” does the pastor have room to disagree, or would that be seen as disobeying God?

Are there biblical safeguards to prevent a prophet from having too much influence within a family or church?

In churches where leadership stays within one family, how are disagreements between a pastor and a prophet usually handled?

One thing that also surprised me was that this person said God had already revealed that one of his future children would become a pastor and another would become a prophet. Is this a common belief in some Pentecostal or charismatic churches, or is that unusual even within those traditions?

There is also a question I have about marriage in this kind of church setting. The pastor said that God would personally instruct him about what he should do, even if he and his future spouse had already made different plans together.

I’m trying to understand how this is viewed in Christian marriage:

In a marriage, if one spouse believes God has instructed them to do something that goes against a decision they previously made together, how is that usually handled?
Is one spouse expected to follow what the other believes is a word from God, or should major decisions always be discussed and agreed upon together?

How do churches that emphasize prophecy balance personal revelation with mutual submission, communication, and the equal value of both spouses?

Are there biblical teachings about testing personal revelations before making major life decisions, especially decisions that affect a spouse and family?

I’m genuinely trying to understand how these churches operate and what the biblical basis is for these practices. I’d especially appreciate responses from pastors, elders, or people who have firsthand experience in churches where prophetic ministry plays a major role.

I’m trying to understand a church structure that I’m not familiar with, and I’d appreciate hearing from pastors or people who grew up in similar churches.

I knew someone whose family started their own church. His father is the pastor, and he says he is next in line to become the pastor. His brother is recognized as a prophet, and from what I observed, the family seems to consult the brother for major life decisions because they believe he receives direct guidance from God.

This made me wonder:
Is it common in these churches for the pastor to seek guidance through the prophet rather than praying and discerning God’s direction independently?

Is a pastor expected to accept a prophet’s words without questioning them, or is it acceptable to test or challenge prophetic messages?

If a prophet says, “God told me…” does the pastor have room to disagree, or would that be seen as disobeying God?

Are there biblical safeguards to prevent a prophet from having too much influence within a family or church?

In churches where leadership stays within one family, how are disagreements between a pastor and a prophet usually handled?

One thing that also surprised me was that this person said God had already revealed that one of his future children would become a pastor and another would become a prophet. Is this a common belief in some Pentecostal or charismatic churches, or is that unusual even within those traditions?

There is also a question I have about marriage in this kind of church setting. The pastor said that God would personally instruct him about what he should do, even if he and his future spouse had already made different plans together.

I’m trying to understand how this is viewed in Christian marriage:

In a marriage, if one spouse believes God has instructed them to do something that goes against a decision they previously made together, how is that usually handled?
Is one spouse expected to follow what the other believes is a word from God, or should major decisions always be discussed and agreed upon together?

How do churches that emphasize prophecy balance personal revelation with mutual submission, communication, and the equal value of both spouses?

Are there biblical teachings about testing personal revelations before making major life decisions, especially decisions that affect a spouse and family?

I’m genuinely trying to understand how these churches operate and what the biblical basis is for these practices. I’d especially appreciate responses from pastors, elders, or people who have firsthand experience in churches where prophetic ministry plays a major role.

I’m trying to understand a church structure that I’m not familiar with, and I’d appreciate hearing from pastors or people who grew up in similar churches.

I knew someone whose family started their own church. His father is the pastor, and he says he is next in line to become the pastor. His brother is recognized as a prophet, and from what I observed, the family seems to consult the brother for major life decisions because they believe he receives direct guidance from God.

This made me wonder:
Is it common in these churches for the pastor to seek guidance through the prophet rather than praying and discerning God’s direction independently?

Is a pastor expected to accept a prophet’s words without questioning them, or is it acceptable to test or challenge prophetic messages?

If a prophet says, “God told me…” does the pastor have room to disagree, or would that be seen as disobeying God?

Are there biblical safeguards to prevent a prophet from having too much influence within a family or church?

In churches where leadership stays within one family, how are disagreements between a pastor and a prophet usually handled?

One thing that also surprised me was that this person said God had already revealed that one of his future children would become a pastor and another would become a prophet. Is this a common belief in some Pentecostal or charismatic churches, or is that unusual even within those traditions?

There is also a question I have about marriage in this kind of church setting. The pastor said that God would personally instruct him about what he should do, even if he and his future spouse had already made different plans together.

I’m trying to understand how this is viewed in Christian marriage:

In a marriage, if one spouse believes God has instructed them to do something that goes against a decision they previously made together, how is that usually handled?
Is one spouse expected to follow what the other believes is a word from God, or should major decisions always be discussed and agreed upon together?

How do churches that emphasize prophecy balance personal revelation with mutual submission, communication, and the equal value of both spouses?

Are there biblical teachings about testing personal revelations before making major life decisions, especially decisions that affect a spouse and family?

I’m genuinely trying to understand how these churches operate and what the biblical basis is for these practices. I’d especially appreciate responses from pastors, elders, or people who have firsthand experience in churches where prophetic ministry plays a major role.

'M32' 'F 29' were together for almost 2 years, and I’m still trying to make sense of how our relationship ended.

Early in our relationship, he told me that God had given me to him and that I was the woman he was supposed to marry. Things were serious, and he introduced me to his family.

At one point early on, I actually felt unsure about the relationship and even wanted to leave because I felt he was sometimes too friendly with other people in a way that made me uncomfortable. When I tried to step away, he insisted on staying in the relationship and said it wasn’t God’s will for us to separate.

One of our biggest disagreements later was about marriage and living arrangements. He wanted us to live with his mother and help raise his brother’s children. I told him I would rather support them from a distance because both of the children’s parents are alive, and I wanted us to build our own household as a married couple.

After that disagreement, he broke up with me and said he needed to pray about our future. He fasted for 30 days and later came back saying that I was still the one for him.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he expected me to regularly call and communicate with his parents. I didn’t have an issue with them and got along with them, but I didn’t think daily contact was necessary. He saw this as very important. I also hadn’t introduced him to my own parents because my family situation is complicated and difficult.

Another part that confused me is his approach to life and decisions. He believes God speaks to him through his brother who is a prophet. He strongly believes that God has already promised him success and wealth, so he often waits on guidance rather than taking certain actions himself. For example, he started a master’s program but says he is waiting on God regarding things like investing or planning his career path.

The final breakup seemed to revolve around family expectations and these differences. He said I wasn’t making enough effort with his parents and that he believed I would live a miserable life as a pastor’s wife because he would always have to follow what God says through his prophet brother. He also felt our values were not aligned.
What confuses me most is that he repeatedly told me that God had chosen me for him, prayed and fasted about our relationship, and then still ended things. I still love him, but looking back, I’m wondering whether some of his beliefs, expectations around family, and decision-making created an unhealthy dynamic. I’m still clinging that he is still the one and pray to God he gets out of this cult like beliefs.

Has anyone experienced something similar where religion, family expectations, and marriage plans became deeply intertwined? How did you make sense of it afterward?

'M32' 'F 29' were together for almost 2 years, and I’m still trying to make sense of how our relationship ended.

Early in our relationship, he told me that God had given me to him and that I was the woman he was supposed to marry. Things were serious, and he introduced me to his family.

At one point early on, I actually felt unsure about the relationship and even wanted to leave because I felt he was sometimes too friendly with other people in a way that made me uncomfortable. When I tried to step away, he insisted on staying in the relationship and said it wasn’t God’s will for us to separate.

One of our biggest disagreements later was about marriage and living arrangements. He wanted us to live with his mother and help raise his brother’s children. I told him I would rather support them from a distance because both of the children’s parents are alive, and I wanted us to build our own household as a married couple.

After that disagreement, he broke up with me and said he needed to pray about our future. He fasted for 30 days and later came back saying that I was still the one for him.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he expected me to regularly call and communicate with his parents. I didn’t have an issue with them and got along with them, but I didn’t think daily contact was necessary. He saw this as very important. I also hadn’t introduced him to my own parents because my family situation is complicated and difficult.

Another part that confused me is his approach to life and decisions. He believes God speaks to him through his brother who is a prophet. He strongly believes that God has already promised him success and wealth, so he often waits on guidance rather than taking certain actions himself. For example, he started a master’s program but says he is waiting on God regarding things like investing or planning his career path.

The final breakup seemed to revolve around family expectations and these differences. He said I wasn’t making enough effort with his parents and that he believed I would live a miserable life as a pastor’s wife because he would always have to follow what God says through his prophet brother. He also felt our values were not aligned.
What confuses me most is that he repeatedly told me that God had chosen me for him, prayed and fasted about our relationship, and then still ended things. I still love him, but looking back, I’m wondering whether some of his beliefs, expectations around family, and decision-making created an unhealthy dynamic. I’m still clinging that he is still the one and pray to God he gets out of this cult like beliefs.

Has anyone experienced something similar where religion, family expectations, and marriage plans became deeply intertwined? How did you make sense of it afterward?

'M32' 'F 29' were together for almost 2 years, and I’m still trying to make sense of how our relationship ended.

Early in our relationship, he told me that God had given me to him and that I was the woman he was supposed to marry. Things were serious, and he introduced me to his family.

At one point early on, I actually felt unsure about the relationship and even wanted to leave because I felt he was sometimes too friendly with other people in a way that made me uncomfortable. When I tried to step away, he insisted on staying in the relationship and said it wasn’t God’s will for us to separate.

One of our biggest disagreements later was about marriage and living arrangements. He wanted us to live with his mother and help raise his brother’s children. I told him I would rather support them from a distance because both of the children’s parents are alive, and I wanted us to build our own household as a married couple.

After that disagreement, he broke up with me and said he needed to pray about our future. He fasted for 30 days and later came back saying that I was still the one for him.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he expected me to regularly call and communicate with his parents. I didn’t have an issue with them and got along with them, but I didn’t think daily contact was necessary. He saw this as very important. I also hadn’t introduced him to my own parents because my family situation is complicated and difficult.

Another part that confused me is his approach to life and decisions. He believes God speaks to him through his brother who is a prophet. He strongly believes that God has already promised him success and wealth, so he often waits on guidance rather than taking certain actions himself. For example, he started a master’s program but says he is waiting on God regarding things like investing or planning his career path.

The final breakup seemed to revolve around family expectations and these differences. He said I wasn’t making enough effort with his parents and that he believed I would live a miserable life as a pastor’s wife because he would always have to follow what God says through his prophet brother. He also felt our values were not aligned.
What confuses me most is that he repeatedly told me that God had chosen me for him, prayed and fasted about our relationship, and then still ended things. I still love him, but looking back, I’m wondering whether some of his beliefs, expectations around family, and decision-making created an unhealthy dynamic. I’m still clinging that he is still the one and pray to God he gets out of this cult like beliefs.

Has anyone experienced something similar where religion, family expectations, and marriage plans became deeply intertwined? How did you make sense of it afterward?