r/Christianmarriage

I've been in the dating scene a while, and it's so difficult. Not only do I have to dodge creeps, but men faking being Christian.

I want to be married to a man of God eventually, so I asked on this sub so I can get advice from women married to men of God (they've been around them enough to know), or even men if you're a man of God and could offer some tips?

Also how to tell quick if they're faking. Some of them are too good at it 😭

I’m posting because I genuinely don’t know where else to turn, and I’m hoping to hear from Christians who have experienced something similar.

My husband recently came out to me as transgender. He believes that he is a woman, and he still considers himself a Christian. He loves God and says that his faith is still very important to him.

I love my husband deeply, and I don’t want this post to come across as me attacking or judging him. I’m trying to understand something that I honestly cannot wrap my head around right now.

We are both Christians, and I was raised to believe that God created us male and female and that our biological sex is part of His design. Because of that, I’m struggling with the idea that someone can believe they are transgender while also believing that God created them and that they are following Christ.

For me personally, right now, those two things feel like they cannot coexist. I realize that may sound harsh, but I’m being honest about where my understanding is at this moment. I’m not trying to make a final judgment about my husband or anyone else. I’m trying to understand.

I have so many questions.

How do transgender Christians reconcile their identity with Scripture?

How do you understand passages about God creating us male and female?

If you believe that being transgender is compatible with Christianity, what changed or helped you understand the Bible differently?

And for Christians who have had a spouse come out as transgender, how did you process that? How did you reconcile your love for your spouse, your marriage, and your understanding of God’s design?

I’m also grieving. I feel like the future I thought we were going to have has suddenly become uncertain, and I’m scared. I love my husband, but I’m struggling with what this means for our marriage and for my own faith.

I’m not looking for people to tell me that my husband is evil or that he’s going to hell. I’m also not looking for people to tell me to blindly accept something I’m not currently able to understand.

I genuinely want to hear thoughtful Christian perspectives from people who have wrestled with this seriously.

If you’ve been in my position—or if you are a transgender Christian and can explain how you reconcile these things—I would really appreciate hearing your perspective.

Please be kind. I’m asking because I’m struggling, not because I want to hurt anyone. Thank you.

Discussion.

My husband (28) and I (28) have been together for 10 years, married for 8. We were believers when we met but walked away from the faith after some “church hurt,” we were trying to figure out. I was sexually assaulted before we got together, and he knew this, even cried with me over it. Our sex life was never great- very active but completely catered to him because that’s the only exposure to sex that we had had- very catered to male gratification. When we got pregnant with our 3rd, I was unable to have sex due to some complications and extreme pain. I offered him other forms of intimacy, which he declined. He ended up raping me and we almost got divorced over it. This was 5 years ago, and we had done a lot of healing ( yes, therapy in various forms) to where sex was wholesome and fair to both parties. A place in our relationship I didn’t think we could get to. We even rededicated our lives to the Lord and were baptized together. Things were so much better.
However, we had our 5th last year and he sexually assaulted me again. It was a traumatic pregnancy where I was hospitalized a big portion of it, with many surgeries, and our baby ended up in the NICU. The assault happened when I was pretty freshly postpartum.
Since then we have tried counseling, mentoring, etc. Our church knows and they were very supportive of divorce if I wanted that. I did not have the resources to do so at the time and we stayed together.
He has finally started becoming a true man of God and has made so many steps and improvement in life, but I feel like I cannot move forward. I know it’s been a year (we even had another baby), but I feel no physical attraction towards him, or desire. I can barely handle him touching me in non sexual ways- hand holding, hugs, etc. It genuinely makes me ill. The sex we’ve had, which is already rare, is awful. I feel like I am betraying my body and I can barely participate. I feel like now that I am out of fight or flight and traumatized mode, my body and heart are just done. I am so glad he’s becoming an amazing man of God but I’m just so shut down.
I know I am biblically supposed to have sex with him but it feels like a betrayal of my autonomy and every time cements more and more that I hate it. I know that the Bible says if I withhold sex, it’s a sin, and I don’t want to do that but I cannot handle sex with him. Is divorce the only option? How could I even go about healing? I don’t want to sin or cause him to stumble by withholding but I have genuine panic and nausea at the idea of being with him. I prayed for so long for this better version of him but now that he’s becoming that, it feels like too late.

Note: We get a lot of crap for being young and with 6 kids. We have had different birth control methods fail. I am in individual therapy and so is he. We took a break from couples therapy due to finances. I am also AuDhd so physical stuff can be really complicated for me already.

I am 5 months pregnant with our 3rd together. I’m a flight attendant, so my doctor put me on leave until baby comes, bc it’s a lot of work! Pushing, pulling, reaching… and with me being 35 (Advanced Maternal Age lol) that makes me high risk. My husband and I were separated for a year… bc of some sensitive issues I’d rather keep private. During that year, I secured a place to stay for myself and my children, and I worked to support all of us under that roof. Myself and my 4 children. At the end of last year, we reconciled and he moved in with me. In January, I broke my toe so couldn’t work for 3 months. Went back to work, but my checks were a bit lower because of the time I was off. But happy he was there to pick up my slack. Now, I’m off work again. And bringing in no consistent income. I do sub during the week for extra, and I’m waiting on my unemployment to be approved. This has been a super trying time. My husband does not like having to pay the rent by himself. Mind you, I’m still paying utilities and phone bill. But he’s taking care of the rent. I completely understand, it’s basically taking all of one of his biweekly checks. But I truly need his help right now. He says he doesn’t want to be there for me, bc when he needed me, I wasn’t there. For context: we’ve been dating 9 years, married 5. I did surrogacy twice, and was paid for those journeys. During that time, I was not working, so we lived off that money. We split everything 50/50. And whatever extra I had, i would use for the house, buy kids clothes, or just whatever. He wanted me to pay off the rent. I didn’t do that. So that’s what he means by I didn’t help him. Anywho… he is now saying he wants us to move out of my apartment when the lease is up, and stay separately to save. I get that… but I’ll be 7 months pregnant by that time. I don’t want to have to move me and my 4 children to go stay in someone’s home. That’s a lot of people, when I can just tough out these few months until I’m back working. I don’t know… I understand he wants to save… so do I. But he’s only one “body” that will go stay with his grandparents, and it’s a free stay for him. But I’m 5 “bodies” that would have to go infringe on someone’s space. I hate that I’m here. But in our whole relationship I’ve never actually needed him financially like I do now. It’s temporary. I’m on maternity leave… I have a job, that pays well. Ugh, this is so frustrating.

So we went to my pastor and he said things needed to end for a time so my ex fiance could feel the weight of his pornography son. I am definitely gonna grieve and cried and will continue to cry. It’s hard but I know this is the right thing.

He makes meses and never cleans after himself it is taking a toll on me take care of everything and do no have a partner who share the load with me around the house, he never does dishes, laundry or clean. Neither cook.

His response was that in the future he doesn’t want us to worry about this stuff and he will hire some help to take care of it. But I’m not talking about the future. He got really mad like raising voice and even slap himself in the face of the frustration. I just simply asked for help in this moment, clean after yourself in the kitchen that is all.

He wanted to turn this over me that I don’t understand his point. It makes me feel frustrated. We have been dealing with his alcoholism and other things. It is just hard. I do have all the load of the house, caring for a 2 year old and on top of that I work for him doing all the admin for his business.

I ended just not saying anything else, I’m here crying because I feel I don’t have a partner I can count on.

I wish my life would be different. I wish so many things were different.

I’m just here to vent and if you can please pray for me.