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u/Ok_Point_620

r/Christianmarriage r/ChristianityAnswers r/Christianity r/Coffee_Shop r/consumecanadian r/emotionalaffair r/ChristianMarriageHelp
▲ 5 r/Christianmarriage

Looking for Christian perspectives on a family vacation

I’m married and currently in a long-distance marriage because my husband and I live in different countries (due to the visa problems).
My father in law recently planned a vacation with his children. My husband suggested Japan as the destination because he also wants to attend a coffee convention there in April.
I asked my husband whether my mother in law would be joining, and he said that the trip is only for the children and he said he doesn’t know whether his father will ask me to join.
I understand that parents may want to have a vacation with their adult children, and I’m not saying that I’m automatically entitled to be included. However, because I’m his wife and we already live apart, I felt a little unsure about where I fit into this situation.
From a Christian perspective, how would you view this? Is it reasonable for a parent to plan a “children-only” vacation when their adult children are married? And should a married spouse expect their husband/wife to consider them when making plans like this, especially in a long-distance marriage?
I’m genuinely looking for balanced perspectives, including if I’m looking at the situation incorrectly.

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 2 days ago
▲ 2 r/Christianmarriage

Feeling lack of oneness in my marriage

My husband and I are currently living apart because of my PR visa process. Because of the time difference, the only time we have when we can really talk for a longer period is during our 2–3 hour video-call dates on Mondays and Tuesdays.

However, I’ve noticed that my husband often changes our schedule because he makes other plans, whether with friends or family. What bothers me is that he usually tells me about the change after he has already made the decision, rather than discussing it with me first.

What I would prefer is for him to talk to me before making plans that affect our time together. For example, when he asks to move our call to another day, I may already have work or a hospital appointment scheduled on that day. And even when he says we can still have our call at the usual time after he gets home, he is often tired and doesn’t have much energy left to talk. So sometimes I end up feeling like I’m getting the leftover time, or like I come second.

I think what hurts me the most is that it makes me feel like our marriage lacks a sense of oneness. We’re married, and I believe that means we should consider each other when making decisions that affect our shared plans.

Personally, if a friend asked me to make plans during a time that I normally spend with my husband, I would say, “Let me ask my husband first, and I’ll let you know.” I’m not saying that my husband needs to ask for permission to do things. I just want him to consider our plans and discuss changes with me before making a decision.

When i text him: “Hey babe, i dont upset you go to montreal, im happy you can enjoy your time with your friends, but next time i want us to discuss first before deciding things, we are married, we are one, what i have been thinking lately feels like i will come second, or you will tell me after you decide things. It makes me feel we lack of oneness.. I will tell you later about my appointment”

His answer only “Ok”

Am I asking too much by wanting this from my husband?

Sometimes I’m afraid that he’ll think I’m being too demanding, especially because there was a time when I was upset and he told me, “You’re always too much.” So now I sometimes question whether my expectations are reasonable or whether I’m simply asking for too much.

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 11 days ago
▲ 1 r/Christianmarriage

Feeling unimportant

My birthday is gonna be on 23rd this July and in long distance marriage with my husband.

I saw my mother in law said “Happy early birthday, just in case I’m not feeling well” in a family group chat. I know she has mental issue so i can i understand sometimes she will feeling unwell and tend to forget things.

But my husband send me text 3 hours after my mother in law sent text:

Him: Happy birthday 🎂 You can use my card to buy a cake to share with your friends

Me: Today is not my birthday~ Its okay, my friend usually buy my cake. Seems you never remember the exact date of my birthday...

Him: Its the 23rd I know. My mom wrote it, so I wrote it as well in case I forget to write the same day

Since we were dating until now, I have never truly felt that I was important to him or that I was his priority.
Maybe he’ll say, “You are important to me. You are my priority. I care about you.” But I’ve been paying attention to the patterns over the years.

Most of the time, when we have arguments, I feel abandoned. It’s rare for me to hear he says, “I don’t want us to stay like this. Let’s talk.” Instead, my messages are often left on read.

When I tell him that something hurts me, I often feel like I’m being told that I’m asking for too much. And i feel like he doesnt really care if im hurting or not..

We were dating for 3 years but every year he would forget my birthday..

When we were vacation in Japan, I told him how important it was for me to have a wheelchair or at least seats together on the bus because of my chronic ilnesses condition. He said he forgot about the bus, and that he couldn’t arrange the wheelchair because his amazon account was blocked, but it felt like there wasn’t much effort to find another solution.

The same happened with my visa. I always be the one who brought it up first, and ended up having to keep following up about it to him..

I’m tired of always being the one who has to initiate everything. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to see him acting as my husband and as the leader of this family. I feel like he will choose what is more comfortable with him..

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 0 r/ChristianityAnswers

Emotionally draining in my marriage 😔

im so struggling with this over a month. 😔
This woman is one of my husband’s regular customers. She often comes to his coffee shop. She is single, has many male friends, and has also become quite close to my husband.

I know my husband is very friendly with everyone. However, the way he texts other women has become a very sensitive issue for me ever because while we were dating, he had an emotional affair. He was texting many women, flirting with them, hungout 1:1 and so on. So since that time we made boundaries and he gave me all his social media’s passwords. But , I now find myself becoming paranoid whenever I see him texting women in a way that seems overly friendly, even if it may be innocent.

During our counseling with our pastor, who has known my husband since he was a child, the pastor said that this is simply my husband’s personality and that this is also part of Western culture.
After our recent counseling session, however, it seems like he wants to change those boundaries.

there was a moment in the past that this girl was telling about her dating life to my husband. And when i said to my husband “she seems not respecting our marriage, she doesnt supposed to talk about her dating life to a married man, she should talk it to other girls or single man, that’s a start emotional connectiong being build, for you its okay to tell about our marriage problem to my male friend?”

And my husband said “it wasnt a big deal, i dont think that is inappropriate, its okay for me if she talks about her dating life depends why she wants to bring it, and if you want to talk about our marriage problem to your male friend its okay, but it depends on what kind of problem”
While for me its not necessary talk about your problem to opposite sex friend.

Every Saturday, he hosts karaoke nights at his shop. The idea originally came from this woman, although there are several other regular customers who usually attend as well. What bothers me is that he only messages her to ask whether she’s coming or not. Almost every week he asks her.

Today, during our video call, I asked him, “Why don’t you ask Erick? He comes every week.” He replied, “I asked him by text,” or “He usually comes early, so I asked him in person.” Then I asked why he also didn’t ask John, and he said, “I know he’s probably busking on the street.”
He also told me that he always asks this woman because she was the one who suggested starting the karaoke nights in the first place so she has responsibility to come.

Also He used to mute the stories of women who weren’t related to his work.

But I noticed that he often viewed this regular woman’s stories, even though he had already muted her. He said that staying updated on his regular customer’s life is “very important” to him.

There was also a time when he had decided to cancel karaoke but later changed his mind. Instead of simply announcing it publicly on story, he specifically messaged her to let her know that karaoke was back on. Only to her.
I told him that if he wanted to inform everyone, he could have just posted it on his Instagram Story, like he normally does when announcing events.

Instead, he became angry and said, “You’re always too much. This is just jealousy and a lack of trust.” Then he hung up the call.
Afterward, he texted me, “I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you again. I’m sick of this.”

We are currently in a long-distance marriage because of ongoing visa issues.
After that argument, I discovered that he had changed all of his passwords, so I no longer have access to his accounts.

I feel like I’m always made to feel that I’m the one who’s wrong whenever I bring up something that genuinely concerns me. I wasn’t asking him to stop talking to her completely. I simply hoped he communicates with her in the same group setting as the other regular karaoke attendees instead of giving her individual attention.

He doesnt wants to share his social media’s passwords anymore. He said i never have improvement in trust just because i asked a lot about this woman. For me, I’ve been giving him grace. Whenever he crossed “other” boundaries he struggled with, I never told him to cut those people off immediately. Instead, I helped keep him accountable. He stumbled many times, but I never said, “You’re getting worse, so you can’t do that anymore.”

But when it comes to me, it’s different. The only time I asked him a lot of questions about this one woman, he changed all of his passwords without even discussing it with me.

Every time he makes a mistake, he asks me for grace, patience, and another chance. But when I’m the one struggling because of the hurt he caused, he doesn’t extend that same grace to me.

Sharing his passwords was one of the supports to helped me feel safe enough to rebuild trust and continue toward marriage. Now he’s taking that away without any conversation, and that makes me feel like the commitment he made to restore my sense of security no longer matters.

u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 1 r/ChristianMarriageHelp

Emotionally draining in my marriage

im so struggling with this over a month. 😔
This woman is one of my husband’s regular customers. She often comes to his coffee shop. She is single, has many male friends, and has also become quite close to my husband.

I know my husband is very friendly with everyone. However, the way he texts other women has become a very sensitive issue for me ever because while we were dating, he had an emotional affair. He was texting many women, flirting with them, hungout 1:1 and so on. So since that time we made boundaries and he gave me all his social media’s passwords. But , I now find myself becoming paranoid whenever I see him texting women in a way that seems overly friendly, even if it may be innocent.

During our counseling with our pastor, who has known my husband since he was a child, the pastor said that this is simply my husband’s personality and that this is also part of Western culture.
After our recent counseling session, however, it seems like he wants to change those boundaries.

there was a moment in the past that this girl was telling about her dating life to my husband. And when i said to my husband “she seems not respecting our marriage, she doesnt supposed to talk about her dating life to a married man, she should talk it to other girls or single man, that’s a start emotional connectiong being build, for you its okay to tell about our marriage problem to my male friend?”

And my husband said “it wasnt a big deal, i dont think that is inappropriate, its okay for me if she talks about her dating life depends why she wants to bring it, and if you want to talk about our marriage problem to your male friend its okay, but it depends on what kind of problem”
While for me its not necessary talk about your problem to opposite sex friend.

Every Saturday, he hosts karaoke nights at his shop. The idea originally came from this woman, although there are several other regular customers who usually attend as well. What bothers me is that he only messages her to ask whether she’s coming or not. Almost every week he asks her.

Today, during our video call, I asked him, “Why don’t you ask Erick? He comes every week.” He replied, “I asked him by text,” or “He usually comes early, so I asked him in person.” Then I asked why he also didn’t ask John, and he said, “I know he’s probably busking on the street.”
He also told me that he always asks this woman because she was the one who suggested starting the karaoke nights in the first place so she has responsibility to come.

Also He used to mute the stories of women who weren’t related to his work.

But I noticed that he often viewed this regular woman’s stories, even though he had already muted her. He said that staying updated on his regular customer’s life is “very important” to him.

There was also a time when he had decided to cancel karaoke but later changed his mind. Instead of simply announcing it publicly on story, he specifically messaged her to let her know that karaoke was back on. Only to her.
I told him that if he wanted to inform everyone, he could have just posted it on his Instagram Story, like he normally does when announcing events.

Instead, he became angry and said, “You’re always too much. This is just jealousy and a lack of trust.” Then he hung up the call.
Afterward, he texted me, “I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you again. I’m sick of this.”

We are currently in a long-distance marriage because of ongoing visa issues.
After that argument, I discovered that he had changed all of his passwords, so I no longer have access to his accounts.

I feel like I’m always made to feel that I’m the one who’s wrong whenever I bring up something that genuinely concerns me. I wasn’t asking him to stop talking to her completely. I simply hoped he communicates with her in the same group setting as the other regular karaoke attendees instead of giving her individual attention.

He doesnt wants to share his social media’s passwords anymore. He said i never have improvement in trust just because i asked a lot about this woman. For me, I’ve been giving him grace. Whenever he crossed “other” boundaries he struggled with, I never told him to cut those people off immediately. Instead, I helped keep him accountable. He stumbled many times, but I never said, “You’re getting worse, so you can’t do that anymore.”

But when it comes to me, it’s different. The only time I asked him a lot of questions about this one woman, he changed all of his passwords without even discussing it with me.

Every time he makes a mistake, he asks me for grace, patience, and another chance. But when I’m the one struggling because of the hurt he caused, he doesn’t extend that same grace to me.

Sharing his passwords was one of the supports to helped me feel safe enough to rebuild trust and continue toward marriage. Now he’s taking that away without any conversation, and that makes me feel like the commitment he made to restore my sense of security no longer matters.

u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 10 r/Christianity

Emotionally exhausted in my marriage

This woman is one of my husband’s regular customers. She often comes to his coffee shop. She is single, has many male friends, and has also become quite close to my husband.

I know my husband is very friendly with everyone. However, the way he texts other women has become a very sensitive issue for me ever because while we were dating, he had an emotional affair. He was texting many women, flirting with them, hungout 1:1 and so on. So since that time we made boundaries and he gave me all his social media’s passwords. But , I now find myself becoming paranoid whenever I see him texting women in a way that seems overly friendly, even if it may be innocent.

During our counseling with our pastor, who has known my husband since he was a child, the pastor said that this is simply my husband’s personality and that this is also part of Western culture.
After our recent counseling session, however, it seems like he wants to change those boundaries.

there was a moment in the past that this girl was telling about her dating life to my husband. And when i said to my husband “she seems not respecting our marriage, she doesnt supposed to talk about her dating life to a married man, she should talk it to other girls or single man, that’s a start emotional connectiong being build, for you its okay to tell about our marriage problem to my male friend?”

And my husband said “it wasnt a big deal, i dont think that is inappropriate, its okay for me if she talks about her dating life depends why she wants to bring it, and if you want to talk about our marriage problem to your male friend its okay, but it depends on what kind of problem”
While for me its not necessary talk about your problem to opposite sex friend.

Every Saturday, he hosts karaoke nights at his shop. The idea originally came from this woman, although there are several other regular customers who usually attend as well. What bothers me is that he only messages her to ask whether she’s coming or not. Almost every week he asks her.

Today, during our video call, I asked him, “Why don’t you ask Erick? He comes every week.” He replied, “I asked him by text,” or “He usually comes early, so I asked him in person.” Then I asked why he also didn’t ask John, and he said, “I know he’s probably busking on the street.”
He also told me that he always asks this woman because she was the one who suggested starting the karaoke nights in the first place so she has responsibility to come.

Also He used to mute the stories of women who weren’t related to his work.
But I noticed that he often viewed this regular woman’s stories, even though he had already muted her. He said that staying updated on his regular customer’s life is “very important” to him.

There was also a time when he had decided to cancel karaoke but later changed his mind. Instead of simply announcing it publicly on story, he specifically messaged her to let her know that karaoke was back on. Only to her.
I told him that if he wanted to inform everyone, he could have just posted it on his Instagram Story, like he normally does when announcing events.

Instead, he became angry and said, “You’re always too much. This is just jealousy and a lack of trust.” Then he hung up the call.
Afterward, he texted me, “I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you again. I’m sick of this.”

We are currently in a long-distance marriage because of ongoing visa issues.
After that argument, I discovered that he had changed all of his passwords, so I no longer have access to his accounts.

I feel like I’m always made to feel that I’m the one who’s wrong whenever I bring up something that genuinely concerns me. I wasn’t asking him to stop talking to her completely. I simply hoped he communicates with her in the same group setting as the other regular karaoke attendees instead of giving her individual attention.

If he wants me to trust him again, I believe he also has a responsibility to avoid behaviors that understandably make me feel anxious, especially considering what happened in the past.

Sometimes I feel like he only did everything I needed before we got married so that I would continue the relationship. Now that we’re married, it feels like those promises and boundaries no longer matter. Looking back, I regret being so naive.

u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 10 r/emotionalaffair

Emotionally Exhausted

This woman is one of my husband’s regular customers. She often comes to his coffee shop. She is single, has many male friends, and has also become quite close to my husband.

I know my husband is very friendly with everyone. However, the way he texts other women has become a very sensitive issue for me ever because while we were dating, he had an emotional affair. He was texting many women, flirting with them, hungout 1:1 and so on. So thats why since that time we made boundaries. And he gave all his social media’s passwords. Because of that, I now find myself becoming paranoid whenever I see him texting women in a way that seems overly friendly, even if it may be innocent.

During our counseling with our pastor, who has known my husband since he was a child, the pastor said that this is simply my husband’s personality and that this is also part of Western culture.
After our recent counseling session, however, it seems like he wants to change those boundaries.

there was a moment in the past that this girl was telling about her dating life to my husband. And when i said to my husband “she seems not respecting our marriage, she doesnt supposed to talk about her dating life to a married man, she should talk it to other girls or single man, that’s a start emotional connectiong being build, for you its okay to tell about our marriage problem to my male friend?”

And my husband said “it wasnt a big deal, i dont think that is inappropriate, its okay for me if she talks about her dating life depends why she wants to bring it, and if you want to talk about our marriage problem to your male friend its okay, but it depends on what kind of problem”
While for me its not necessary talk about your problem to opposite sex friend.

Every Saturday, he hosts karaoke nights at his shop. The idea originally came from this woman, although there are several other regular customers who usually attend as well. What bothers me is that he only messages her to ask whether she’s coming or not. Almost every week he asks her.

Today, during our video call, I asked him, “Why don’t you ask Erick? He comes every week.” He replied, “I asked him by text,” or “He usually comes early, so I asked him in person.” Then I asked why he also didn’t ask John, and he said, “I know he’s probably busking on the street.”
He also told me that he always asks this woman because she was the one who suggested starting the karaoke nights in the first place so she has responsibility to come.

Also He used to mute the stories of women who weren’t related to his work.
But I noticed that he often viewed this regular woman’s stories, even though he had already muted her. He said that staying updated on his regular customer’s life is “very important” to him.

There was also a time when he had decided to cancel karaoke but later changed his mind. Instead of simply announcing it publicly on story, he specifically messaged her to let her know that karaoke was back on. Only to her.
I told him that if he wanted to inform everyone, he could have just posted it on his Instagram Story, like he normally does when announcing events.

Instead, he became angry and said, “You’re always too much. This is just jealousy and a lack of trust.” Then he hung up the call.
Afterward, he texted me, “I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you again. I’m sick of this.”

We are currently in a long-distance marriage because of ongoing visa issues.
After that argument, I discovered that he had changed all of his passwords, so I no longer have access to his accounts.

I feel like I’m always made to feel that I’m the one who’s wrong whenever I bring up something that genuinely concerns me. I wasn’t asking him to stop talking to her completely. I simply hoped he communicates with her in the same group setting as the other regular karaoke attendees instead of giving her individual attention.
If he wants me to trust him again, I believe he also has a responsibility to avoid behaviors that understandably make me feel anxious, especially considering what happened in the past.

Sometimes I feel like he only did everything I needed before we got married so that I would continue the relationship. Now that we’re married, it feels like those promises and boundaries no longer matter. Looking back, I regret being so naive.

u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 3 r/Christianmarriage

Update + emotionally exhausted

Please read my last post before read this one by clicking the link 🙏🏻

after I found out that my husband had emotionally cheated on me (during dating), he gave me the passwords to all of his social media accounts, and together we agreed on boundaries regarding communication with the opposite sex.

After our recent counseling session, however, it seems like he wants to change those boundaries.

Every Saturday, he hosts karaoke nights at his shop. The idea originally came from this woman, although there are several other regular customers who usually attend as well. What bothers me is that he only messages her to ask whether she’s coming or not. Almost every week he asks her.

Today, during our video call, I asked him, “Why don’t you ask Erick? He comes every week.” He replied, “I asked him by text,” or “He usually comes early, so I asked him in person.” Then I asked why he also didn’t ask John, and he said, “I know he’s probably busking on the street.”
He also told me that he always asks this woman because she was the one who suggested starting the karaoke nights in the first place so she has responsibility to come.

Also He used to mute the stories of women who weren’t related to his work.

But I noticed that he often viewed this regular woman’s stories, even though he had already muted her. He said that staying updated on his regular customer’s life is “very important” to him.

There was also a time when he had decided to cancel karaoke but later changed his mind. Instead of simply announcing it publicly on story, he specifically messaged her to let her know that karaoke was back on. Only to her.
I told him that if he wanted to inform everyone, he could have just posted it on his Instagram Story, like he normally does when announcing events.

Instead, he became angry and said, “You’re always too much. This is just jealousy and a lack of trust.” Then he hung up the call.
Afterward, he texted me, “I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you again. I’m sick of this.”

We are currently in a long-distance marriage because of ongoing visa issues.
After that argument, I discovered that he had changed all of his passwords, so I no longer have access to his accounts.

I feel like I’m always made to feel that I’m the one who’s wrong whenever I bring up something that genuinely concerns me. I wasn’t asking him to stop talking to her completely. I simply hoped he communicates with her in the same group setting as the other regular karaoke attendees instead of giving her individual attention.

If he wants me to trust him again, I believe he also has a responsibility to avoid behaviors that understandably make me feel anxious, especially considering what happened in the past.

Sometimes I feel like he only did everything I needed before we got married so that I would continue the relationship. Now that we’re married, it feels like those promises and boundaries no longer matter. Looking back, I regret being so naive.

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 1 r/Christianmarriage

New Update (emotionally exhausted)

Please read my post before comment this post 🙏🏻

after I found out that he had emotionally cheated on me (during dating), he gave me the passwords to all of his social media accounts, and together we agreed on boundaries regarding communication with the opposite sex.

After our recent counseling session, however, it seems like he wants to change those boundaries.

Every Saturday, he hosts karaoke nights at his shop. The idea originally came from this woman, although there are several other regular customers who usually attend as well. What bothers me is that he only messages her to ask whether she’s coming or not.

Today, during our video call, I asked him, “Why don’t you ask Erick? He comes every week.” He replied, “I asked him by text,” or “He usually comes early, so I asked him in person.” Then I asked why he didn’t also John, and he said, “I know he’s probably busking on the street.”

He also told me that he always asks this woman because she was the one who suggested starting the karaoke nights in the first place so she has responsibility to come.

There was also a time when he had decided to cancel karaoke but later changed his mind. Instead of simply announcing it publicly, he specifically messaged her to let her know that karaoke was back on.

I told him that if he wanted to inform everyone, he could have just posted it on his Instagram Story, like he normally does when announcing events.

Instead, he became angry and said, “You’re always too much. This is just jealousy and a lack of trust.” Then he hung up the call.

Afterward, he texted me, “I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you again. I’m sick of this.”

We are currently in a long-distance marriage because of ongoing visa issues.

After that argument, I discovered that he had changed all of his passwords, so I no longer have access to his accounts.

I feel like I’m always made to feel that I’m the one who’s wrong whenever I bring up something that genuinely concerns me. I wasn’t asking him to stop talking to her completely. I simply hoped he communicates with her in the same group setting as the other regular karaoke attendees instead of giving her individual attention.

If he wants me to trust him again, I believe he also has a responsibility to avoid behaviors that understandably make me feel anxious, especially considering what happened in the past.

Sometimes I feel like he only did everything I needed before we got married so that I would continue the relationship. Now that we’re married, it feels like those promises and boundaries no longer matter. Looking back, I regret being so naive.

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 5 r/Christianmarriage

I feel i became paranoid

I would like to ask whether conversations like these are considered normal.
This woman is one of my husband’s regular customers. She often comes to his coffee shop. She is single, has many male friends, and has also become quite close to my husband.
I know my husband is very friendly with everyone. However, the way he texts other women has become a very sensitive issue for me ever since I found out that, while we were dating, he had an emotional affair. He was texting many women, flirting with them, and so on. Because of that, I now find myself becoming paranoid whenever I see him texting women in a way that seems overly friendly, even if it may be innocent.
During our counseling with our pastor, who has known my husband since he was a child, the pastor said that this is simply my husband’s personality and that this is also part of Western culture.
So now I’m wondering… is this really considered normal…

Edit: there was a momen in the past this girl was telling about her dating life to my husband. And when i said to my husband “she seems not respecting our marriage, she doesnt supposed to talk about her dating life to a married man, she should talk it to other girls or single man, that’s a start of emotional connection being build, for you its okay to tell about our marriage problem to my male friend?”

And my husband said “it wasnt a big deal, i dont think that is inappropriate, its okay for me if she talks about her dating life depends why she wants to bring it, and if you want to talk about our marriage problem to your male friend its okay, but it depends on what kind of problem”

While for me its not necessary talk about your problem to opposite sex friend.
I think we have really different values about marriage…

u/Ok_Point_620 — 1 month ago
▲ 6 r/Christianmarriage

Husband wants to change boundaries

I have shared the background of my situation in a previous post. Please click the link and read that post before commenting on this one.
Before my husband and I got married, he emotionally cheated on me. Because of that, we agreed on boundaries regarding interactions with the opposite sex. I told him that I couldn’t continue dating or marry him unless we had those boundaries in place.

However, after we got married and started counseling, he asked our pastor whether those boundaries were biblical and whether they were good or bad. He said that if the pastor thought they weren’t good, he wanted to change them.
That left me wondering, why does he want to change them only after we’re married?

Those boundaries were a big part of what made me feel safe enough to enter into marriage. Now I can’t help but feel like he only agreed to them because he didn’t want to lose me or have the relationship end. After we got married, it feels like he wants to change everything we had agreed on.
I’m feeling confused, hurt, and disconnected. I’m struggling to understand whether it’s reasonable for me to feel this way or whether I’m looking at this the wrong way.

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 2 months ago
▲ 12 r/Christianmarriage

Is it okay to seek a different marriage counselor after feeling unheard?

We recently had marriage counseling with a pastor whom my husband has known since he was a child.

During our dating relationship, my boyfriend (now husband) emotionally betrayed me with a woman from his church. He texted her in a flirtatious way, they exchanged photos, he bought her gifts, and they met one-on-one. At that point, I wanted to end the relationship, but he didn’t want to break up and promised he wanted to change and become a better man.

After that, we established boundaries regarding friendships with the opposite sex, especially texting. We agreed that communication with other women should be limited to work-related matters, discussing or informing important things, saying happy birthday, or other necessary conversations not casual chatting or conversations simply for companionship. These boundaries were not only for my comfort, but also to help my husband be accountable and prevent the same issues from happening again.

Recently, however, I started noticing similar patterns. The way he interacted with one of his female customers reminded me of the past. He likes to joke around, be playful, and text outside the boundaries we had agreed on. When I brought it up, he didn’t think he had crossed any boundaries. He said he was only being nice and friendly. Since we couldn’t resolve it ourselves, we brought the issue to this pastor.

I genuinely respect this pastor because my husband has always spoken highly of him, and from what I have seen, he and his wife have a strong marriage and good leadership. I appreciated that he was willing to point out unhealthy behaviors in both me and my husband rather than taking sides.

However, there were several things that left me feeling unheard.

First, when I explained the emotional betrayal and the details of what had happened in the past, he said they didn’t necessarily know all those details and seemed to view the boundaries we created as simply things that I wanted. But from my perspective, those boundaries were something my husband and I agreed on together so that he could rebuild trust and be accountable after breaking it.

Second, before we got married, I told my husband that I couldn’t continue the relationship if we were only going to have a civil marriage for immigration purposes. My parents would only bless our marriage if we were married before God. I discussed this with my husband because I genuinely wanted to know what he thought. I loved him, but I also didn’t want to remain in a dating relationship indefinitely without certainty. If we couldn’t move toward the kind of marriage I believed was right, I felt it would be better to move on.

The pastor interpreted this as manipulation and said I had threatened my husband into marrying me. That was very difficult to hear because it wasn’t my intention at all.

Third, after everything that had happened, I no longer felt emotionally safe in the relationship. During one of our arguments, my husband showed the pastor messages where I said that this was one of the reasons I didn’t feel ready to move to his country. I said that if nothing changed, I might not want to move because I didn’t feel emotionally safe in our marriage.

Looking back, I recognize that saying it that way wasn’t wise, and I shouldn’t have expressed it like that. I said it out of hurt and emotion. My deeper hope was that my husband might consider moving to my country so we could be together sooner instead of spending years apart because of immigration. I just didn’t communicate that well.

Another thing that hurt me was when I tried to explain how deeply the betrayal had affected me. I felt like my pain was minimized. The pastor compared my experience to couples they had counseled who had gone through repeated physical affairs and suggested that my reaction was exaggerated in comparison.

I understand that physical affairs can be devastating, but hearing my experience compared that way made me feel like my pain wasn’t taken seriously.

I think what I longed for was to be asked questions before conclusions were made. Questions like:

* “Why do you feel you can’t move to here right now?”
* “What specific behaviors have made you feel emotionally unsafe?”
* “Can you help me understand why you said that?”

Instead, I often felt that the conclusions came first:

* “You’re leveraging your husband.”
* “You threatened him into marriage.”
* “That’s just your husband’s personality.”
* “That’s how Western culture is.”
* “you are the one here who doesnt want to understand”

There was also one moment that particularly stayed with me. I had canceled a call with the pastor’s wife because I suddenly became sick. During counseling, the pastor said that after he had told my husband I seemed manipulative before marriage, I had never contacted his wife again, and that this was proof of my behavior. His wife immediately corrected him and reminded him that I had continued messaging her, it was simply that she hadn’t replied.

That moment made me feel like assumptions had been made about me before checking the facts.

I’m not looking for a counselor who only tells me what I want to hear. In fact, I appreciate being told about my own blind spots and unhealthy patterns. I know I have areas where I need to grow.

What I struggle with is feeling judged before I have the opportunity to explain where I’m coming from. I wanted to feel understood before being corrected.

Because of that, I’ve been wondering whether it would be healthier for us to see a licensed marriage therapist, someone whose role is to carefully listen to both sides before drawing conclusions.

At the same time, I don’t want this pastor and his wife to think that I’m seeking professional counseling because I dislike them or reject their guidance. I genuinely respect them and appreciate their desire to help us.

I simply feel that, in addition to pastoral guidance, I would benefit from counseling with someone who is trained to explore both perspectives thoroughly before reaching conclusions.

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 2 months ago
▲ 3 r/Christianmarriage

What do you all thinking about christian couple that having long distance marriage due to their visa issue?
How do you think should communication while living apart? Is it texting and call throughout the day is important?

reddit.com
u/Ok_Point_620 — 4 months ago