r/ChristianMarriageHelp

I honestly don’t know if I’m fighting for my marriage, holding onto false hope, or just slowly breaking my own heart. My husband and I have been together for years and have two children together. About 11 months ago, everything shifted. During one of our conversations about our marriage, he told me that sometimes it feels easier to just stay married than go through a divorce. Since then, we’ve been living in this painful in-between where nothing is fully over, yet nothing feels whole either.

He is currently deployed in a combat zone, but he only deployed about three months ago, so a lot of these struggles started long before the deployment itself. Still, I know deployment changes people. I know survival mode, exhaustion, emotional shutdown, and distance are real. But I also don’t know how much of what I’m experiencing is deployment… and how much is simply that he no longer wants me. There is no adultery. Because honestly I don’t think I would be typing this if there was. There is no abuse. Which honestly makes this even harder for me as a Christian because I don’t fully understand how a marriage gets here without some major event. It feels like emotional disconnection slowly grew until one day I looked up and barely recognized our relationship anymore.

Communication became more inconsistent over time. Sometimes days go by without hearing from him unless it’s about logistics or the kids. Most conversations feel surface level now. I feel like I’m grieving someone who is technically still my husband.

But what makes this so confusing is that mixed into all the distance are moments that feel loving. He kissed me goodbye before leaving, said “love you too,” occasionally sends thoughtful gestures, and still reaches out at times in ways that don’t fully align with someone completely done. Valentine’s Day flowers and Mother’s Day flowers. Lots of bringing coffee to me at work without asking. The big love you before he left and kiss was hard bc the love you hasn’t been said in whole. I feel like maybe nerves but also in the moment he felt it? So it’s not completely gone. And I know people say “actions tell you everything,” but that’s why I’m struggling. His actions feel mixed. Emotionally he feels distant, guarded, and unreachable. Yet every so often there’s something that softens me all over again and makes me wonder if there’s still something here.

I’ve spent months trying to figure out if I should keep showing grace and patience, emotionally detach, stop reaching out completely, keep praying and standing for my marriage, let go and let God, accept that his actions are my answer, or believe God may still be working even when I cannot see it. I’ve prayed more this past year than I ever have in my life. Some days I feel peace and surrender. Other days I feel deep hope that God is not done with our marriage yet. And honestly, that’s what I’m struggling with most: I genuinely cannot tell the difference between God asking me to remain faithful and patient versus me simply being unable to let go.

I’ve asked God so many questions. Am I standing in faith or standing in denial? Is this a season that can be restored, or is this the ending? Why do I still feel hope after so much hurt? Why won’t God remove my desire for him if this marriage is truly over? I know I cannot force someone to love me. I know I cannot beg someone to choose me. But I also know marriages sometimes survive seasons that look impossible from the outside.

I have spent the last 11 months searching inside for things to work on. I got some severe daddy’s issues which has lead to some anxious attachment and hasn’t helped this at all.

I guess I’m asking: Has anyone experienced emotional withdrawal like this during deployment and later seen restoration? How did you discern between faith-filled hope and emotional attachment? At what point do you stop fighting for a marriage? And if you are a believer, how did you know whether God was asking you to keep standing or finally release it completely?

My husband likes to workout 2-3 times a week. We have little kids, so it's usually 2. He always asks me the day-of if he can go to the gym that day after work. When he goes to the gym, he usually gets home about 6:30. Without gym, it's about 5:30. This has been a long-standing argument between us. That is squarely in the middle of the hardest time of day for the rest of us. I'm usually trying to get dinner accomplished, the kids are losing their shit by then, and so am I. Even on the days he comes home at 5:30, I'm counting down the minutes until he walks in the door because I'm fried. I've asked him SO MANY times to go to the gym before work like everybody else. He tried it like 3 times after we had a newborn, and then told me he can't do it then because it makes him not feel good. Something about his stomach issues (he has some minor issues that he manages fine with some supplements, but he's very cagey and weird about it). He never goes into detail about it when I press him for more info and says he can't explain it and I won't understand. It feels like a huge sacrifice on my part, and I resent him for it on the really hard days. I feel bad if I say no (if I do say no, he doesn't give me a hard time about it at all, but I know he's disappointed), but I also usually hate him going after work. Feels like a lose/lose. He could theoretically go after the kids are in bed, but that's also really hard because it's the only window of time we have together and we usually try to straighten up the house then or just accomplish other things or hang out a bit. It also takes longer to do it that way because he has to go all the way there and back instead of him just pulling into the gym on his way home. Does anyone have some advice on how I should handle this? There must be some kind of compromise or something that I'm missing?

Tl;dr My husband insists on going to the gym at the time of day when I need him home the most and says he can't go before work because it makes him not feel good. I want him to be healthy and have the opportunity to go, but I resent him for it on the really tough days when I'm wrangling the kids alone.

Hi, I really need advice and pastoral guidance because I feel heartbroken, confused, and overwhelmed.

I’ve been married for many years to a man who has never been Christian and still is not. I later came to faith myself. He also participates in witchcraft/occult things, which has become very distressing to me spiritually after becoming a believer. Before we married, we already had a child together. During the relationship he left me while I was pregnant, which hurt deeply and has affected me ever since. Throughout the relationship he has often been selfish, emotionally difficult, a poor communicator, emotionally unstable at times, and I often feel emotionally abandoned and lonely in the marriage. His family has also treated me badly for years, and I have rarely felt protected or supported by him in relation to them.

At the same time, he is not an evil person. He can be kind, funny, and he provides for us financially. I do think he mostly has good intentions. That is part of why this is so confusing and painful for me. But despite those good sides, I often feel that he does not truly respect me deeply as a person, emotionally or spiritually.

I have compassion for the fact that he didn't enter into this marriage that thinking I would become a follower of Christ, but that's the course my life has taken, and it is the greatest blessing of my life. I have since turned from my life of sin and desire a traditional household, as a stay at home mother - which he initially agreed with and supported but recently I had a miscarriage after we had been trying for another child, and now... Cue the twist of fate... Let me explain; Years after marriage we talked about trying for another child, and at one point he agreed to try. But now, after many years, he has said definitively that he does not want any more children and that the decision is final. This has broken my heart deeply, not only because of the child issue itself, but because it feels like another expression of the lack of unity, sacrifice, and mutual understanding that has existed throughout much of the marriage. We have had a difficult situation with our house, which has taken a great toll on both of our mental healths the past two years. It's coming to a halt, and I finally thought we would have time to breathe and enjoy our family life, but at this point he thinks he needs more freedom in his life. He fervently consults with occultism like Tarot readings to help him process his perceived lack of personal freedom.

I am trying to understand this situation both spiritually and practically. I don’t know what is right anymore. I feel torn between wanting to honor marriage and feeling crushed, spiritually lonely, emotionally exhausted, and unsure whether this relationship is healthy or sustainable long term. I have been a student for four years and almost done with my studies. If I left the marriage, I would be left financially in debt and destitute, since he has been the willing breadwinner for a decade.

I would really appreciate honest Christian guidance on this whole situation, including the spiritual aspects, the occult involvement, the marriage itself, and whether separation, counseling, or deeper discernment should be considered.

Me and my husband are both Christians and he has recently told me he will never give me the password to his phone. He always has his phone in his pocket, never leaves it laying around. Is this normal? because I know if he asked me to see my phone or for my phone password I would gladly give it to him. Any advice would be helpful