r/emotionalaffair

All year, I was so excited to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve never done anything extravagant, and because I know money is tight, I didn’t ask for an expensive celebration. I simply told my husband that this year I wanted to feel loved, appreciated, and pampered by him.
We both work and contribute to the bills. I earn more, so when he struggles, I often take on more of the financial responsibility. Our marriage has never been perfect. He has cheated on me more than once. The last time, I discovered he had met someone through Reddit—and later found out that person was a man. This happened only two months after I gave birth to our second child.
Somehow, we “worked through it.” We went to therapy, and during that process, he confessed to other things. Since then, I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, and some very dark thoughts. Still, I tried to stay positive about our anniversary because he told me he was going to take me out and make me feel special.
On the morning of our anniversary, he looked at me, said, “Happy anniversary,” and left for work. He didn’t call or text me the entire day. When he came home, he brought me flowers from Walmart and a card. I love personalized cards because the words mean so much to me. All he wrote was, “I will always love you.”
Meanwhile, because this was our 10th anniversary, I spent $500 on something he had always wanted.
I feel so foolish, disappointed, and trapped. I’ve already told him that I don’t love him the same way anymore. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and erase the day we met in high school. I gave so much of myself to this relationship, and all I wanted was to feel genuinely loved for one day.

About ten years ago I discovered that my wife was texting with a male coworker one evening. We had been married for about 10 years at that point and had two young children. I was in denial about the state of our marriage. I was putting my career ahead of her and the kids and she was carrying the burden of her career and our young children. At the time, neither of us realized that I was also suffering from severe depression (it runs rampant in my family) and had not come to terms with how that was impacting me. In short, I had no bandwith to be a husband and parent on top of my work commitments which took everything out of me.

About a year prior to my discovery of this texting situation, I had received a wakeup call in the form of a letter that my wife had written me, explaining how my lack of partnership in our marriage was leading to our marriage's demise if I didn't change. During this time period, I had just taken a major advancement in my career that would require me to be on the road for half of each month. This time away, only added to my wifes burden. I also noticed that my wife was hanging out with her coworker outside the office. He was also married with two boys the same ages as ours and on two occasions she would take our boys on play dates with her coworker.

It should be noted that my wife has always had more male friends than female friends. In fact when we first met, her best friend was gay and I never once had a problem with it, though I did admit it was difficult to take early on but I never wanted to seem jealous of a situation that wasn't worth worrying about.

The night I confronted her about the texting, she claimed that they were just friends but she understood that I was not comfortable with them texting in the evening and she promised not to do it again. Fast forward six months later and while we were at our sons little league game, I caught her texting him again. I was furious. I held my anger until we got home so as not to make a scene in public.

At home, I confronted her as to why she continued texting him even after she agreed not to. She was very apologetic and claimed that she didn't realize how much it had hurt me. I asked her what they talked about and she stated they mostly talked about their kids and their respective spouses. She claimed that his wife also suffered from depression so they obviously had a lot in common. She denied having any feelings for him and that nothing physical ever occured between them. I asked to see her phone to read the texts but she "didn't want to violate his privacy." I ended up storming off and headed to a local bar to cool off and drown my sorrows. She texted me pleading to come home and talk which I eventually did.

When I got home, I again stated my case to see her phone but she continued to refuse. I took off my wedding ring and threw it across the room. I was so upset I threatened to call his wife but she pleaded that I not as it was a non issue and there was no reason to get her involved. She was extremely apologetic and continued to deny that anything was going on between them other than a friendship based on two individuals going thru similar struggles at home. She promised to not communicate with him outside of work and she even ended up taking another job so as to end their communication alltogether.

I am not sure exactly when we stopped having sex but we ended up going seven years without any sex or intimacy. I had lost a lot of my desire to have sex with her and found myself preferring masturbation. I also stopped contributing around the house even more than normal as I didn't feel like now was the time for me to be going out of my way to help her after what she had done. She steadfastly denied anything but at this point I felt we had just become housemates. I would ask for sex when masturbation had lost its fun but she always had an excuse. After years 5 of no sex, I brought up the idea of couples therapy. I felt like the last 5 years had become a game of chicken. Neither one of us wanted to make the first move to repair the marriage but I was the first to blink.

In addition to realizing how bad my depression had become I also found out I had been dealing with low testosterone. Once I started taking weekly testosterone injections I immediately had a physical awakening as I realized how badly I missed intimacy. I started working out and getting into shape and began doing individual therapy. My wife had admitted that she had completely shut down her sexual side of herself. Between her career, our children and our household, she had no desire for sex anymore. She had been too hurt by my rebuffing of her sexually despite the fact that she didn't do anything wrong. She certainly understood how I could feel betrayed but my years of not contributing around the house had left her in survival mode and there was no time for a sexual outlet.

As we both sought individual therapy, we both wanted to repair what we had lost. She was afraid to open herself to me sexually for fear of getting hurt again. In her words she had mourned our marriage long ago so it was going to take time to heal those wounds and for her to open herself up to me again.

It took nearly two years of us going thru individual therapy before we finally had sex after the seven year drought. There was one big problem. For the last seven years, I was torn between whether or not I truly believed that nothing had happened between them. I didn't tell her that the night after I caught her texting him the second time, I found myself masturbating to the thought of them together. And not only that, all of my masturbation fantasies involved the thought of them together. I couldn't finish unless I was thinking about them.

The hardest thing I ever did was when I admitted this to her last year. It was so difficult for me to believe her and my thoughts were consumed with all the signs that something could have happened. I basically told her that for the last seven years, I was so hurt by what she had done that the only way I could cope was to turn my pain into comfort.

She completely understood where I was coming from and promised to stand by my side as I worked thru this addiction. I truly felt that the only way for me to get over it would be for her to embrace it by reaching out to him and reconnecting. I told her that I felt bad that I had abandoned her and that she had every reason to be with him. I couldn't go on without her at least reaching out to him to let him know how badly I wanted to see them together. I needed them to fuck and that was the only way I could move on.

She again claimed that she never had feelings for him and that she didn't think he had feelings for her. I told her that I don't believe that he couldn't have feelings for her. She was more attractive than his wife and of course with their friendship, he had to have had feelings for her. I needed her to find out. She steadfastly declined to do such a thing as he was still married and she wasn't willing to interfere and at this point it had been nearly 10 years since they last communicated and it would be very uncomfortable.

As I continued with a new therapist who specialized in sexual issues, I told her everything. I was steadfast in my belief that I couldn't get over this trauma unless she turned the friendship into something more. I had begun introducing toys to my wife for the first time. One night I brought out a dildo and told my wife to pretend that this was his cock. She refused to partake but didn't stop me from giving play by play as I pretended that the dildo was his penis. I had never seen my wife get so aroused as she did that night. This then became a regular thing and I began to ask my wife to partake and roleplay with me. She wanted to meet with my therapist to get her opinion (my therapist was in favor of it as long as my wife was as well) but she has continued to kick the can as far as that goes.

I have gone back and forth on trying to move on from this but I cannot cum unless I am masturbating about them. I truly feel that if my wife will partake in the roleplaying than I can finally orgasm during penetration and have closure on this.

Has anyone else been thru a similar situation or is this a first? lol

"tl;dr"

My wife had an emotional affair and years later I am asking her to "cuck" me in order to get over the trauma.

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My now separated wife was talking to her ex from high school for months. I only went back as far as the phone bills were available so who knows. I had a suspicion of cheating when she got home surprisingly early from visiting her family and thought that was strange. She never wakes up early to get on the road. Turn out her ex lived half the distance to her mom’s. That’s when I I pulled up phone bills and saw a reoccurring number that she was talking to for hours. My question is, now that I’m divorcing her, how much should I dig? Will it help the divorce?

Whats happening? This summer whats very weird at home. My husband has been secretive, withdrawing money and being late afyer work. I notice he took $500 from some money I had in a joint savings account. When I asked about he got very irritated. A couple of days after I discovered, by accident" a new wedding ring in his backpack. He got very nervous when I mentioned it and told I rui ed the surprise. He just threw on a table and told me to try it on. It was a bit smaller than my size but I kept it on. Some days later I noticed, again, a bank transaction for a online store that sells wedding rings. The package arrived to our address and when I asked he said it was for a friend at work that asked for a favor and didnt have an address, but he paid for it. Several days later I asked him if his friend liked the ring and he answered YES!!! And theirs way more to this story. Fyi hes I found out a yesr ago that he is bipolar schizo, what do you think is going on here?

My worst nightmare has manifested right before my eyes, and it feels all too real, even in this moment. The pain of betrayal is palpable, and I can hardly comprehend how deeply I’ve been hurt.

I was not only deceived and misled, but I was also subjected to gaslighting and treated with a shocking lack of respect. The gravity of the situation is compounded by the fact that there is actual footage of the infidelity occurring in her car, parked directly in my designated spot, just outside my front door. It’s a surreal and painful reality to confront, and I find myself shaking my head in disbelief.

It’s truly disheartening to reflect on the sad and desperate situation she has created for herself and for our family. To think that she believed this behavior was somehow appropriate or acceptable is beyond comprehension. As a parent, one is expected to uphold certain values and carry oneself with dignity. We have a daughter who looks up to us, and it is vital that she learns from our actions. I refuse to allow her to grow up thinking that filming inappropriate acts in the parking lot of her mother’s long-term boyfriend’s residence is a normal or healthy way to navigate relationships, let alone life itself.

Her judgment is seriously flawed, and it leaves me questioning whether the maternal instincts I once believed she possessed can outweigh the reckless decisions she has made. What on earth could have led her to think that this was acceptable? What part of her reasoning allowed her to justify such actions? I am left grappling with the questions of where, when, and how this all unfolded.

The situation did not end there, either. She continued to make questionable choices, frequenting hotels and storage facilities in a manner that raises further concern. At this point, I find myself questioning whether I want our daughter to be around her at all. The weight of this revelation is heavy, and it's hard to process.

I wish I could say that at least she received some form of compensation for the humiliation she has endured. Perhaps a small consolation prize for the degrading experience of being filmed in a car at nearly 30 years old. But honestly, I doubt that she did. What she seems to have gained instead is attention and a lifetime of potential blackmail. Allowing strangers to film intimate moments with her during the first hour of meeting them speaks volumes about her character—not just as a girlfriend or a wife, but as a mother as well.

I hope she feels a profound sense of shame and takes time to reflect on her choices. If nothing else, I would like to think that she has moments of clarity that remind her she is human. I wish that these reflections might lead her to reconsider the path she has chosen, as it is one that is far from dignified. I cannot help but feel a deep sense of sorrow for the person she has become, and the impact her actions will have on our daughter’s future.

I’ll preface all this by saying that I haven’t been the greatest partner. While I’ve been trying my best, she’s mentioned that I’ve been emotionally neglecting her.

My wife came home one night in tears. She said she was having stress about an upcoming trip and about our attempts at pregnancy. She said she had to go see her friend in order to talk about it. She couldn’t talk about it with me. I grew worried after she left. I did a super shitty thing and went through her messages.

Turns out she was going to see her friend to talk through her break up with her affair partner in an online game. I read all the shitty sext messages and how her friend helped her craft them. It’s really not the sexts that tear me up, although they’re still cuts to my soul. It’s more so that she was crying over terrible people who betrayed her.

She kept telling all her people online that she was separated and her marriage was falling apart. I think what really hurts the most is that she didn’t think about our relationship throughout all this. It hurts that she’s crying over a breakup with her online boyfriend. Amongst others. Even her friend said a little something about coming clean to me. She came home later, and she knew I had read everything. We cried a little bit. I was upset, she was upset. Over the course of a week, I asked her to please stop playing this game. Please stop talking to these people. She hasn’t stopped talking with them. She says she cannot let go of her game because it will destroy her friendships. I asked her if she can at least tell all the people in her game and discord servers that she’s married. She says they know, but I think it’s only in the context of her saying that we’re separated.

I feel shitty for asking for ultimatums and requests. I feel like I’m painted as a bad guy because I was neglectful. This feels like a punishment. She says she wants to work through things and get our marriage back on track. I just don’t know if I can do it when I can’t trust her.

I’ve known this person for around 7 years where we used to work together. We’d often get coffee or lunch together and chat daily on snap… my partner had met them early on in our relationship although we both had moved away and I still remain in contact with this person. We still talk daily and get into deep conversations on just about anything.

My partner knows that we talk as they’ve seen messages pop up from them and we’ve talked about it since we’re just friends and they had previously met before. My partner has mentioned before that they get annoyed that I talk to the other person although hasn’t stated to stop the contact.. although they’re aware that we chat, they’re not away at how often and how deep our conversations get. I’m happy with my current relationship but since moving to a new place found it hard to meet someone as close as I am with this person. Sometimes when I’m in an argument with my partner I often find myself venting to them and just get ideas on how to better my relationship. Nothing sexual has been changed between us two although at times the conversation may get flirty.

Today, they mentioned to bring it up to my partner to see how they actually feel about our friendship and if there was any jealousy that maybe we should tone down how often we chat.. since none of our conversations really go beyond genuine friendship, is this considered emotional cheating?

Thanks in advance

I’m two weeks into a breakup after finding out about an affair in my 6-year relationship, and I honestly feel completely blindsided. He has feelings for the other girl and tries to pursue her.

I never saw this coming, and I’m struggling to process how quickly my life changed. I’m currently staying with my parents, which I’m grateful for, but everything still feels awful and unreal.
We also have a lot of mutual friends, and no one is really taking sides, which I completely understand, but it makes the whole situation even harder.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you get through the first few weeks/months?

What actually helped you cope, accept what happened, and eventually start feeling like yourself again?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through a long-term breakup after infidelity. Right now, I’m just trying to get through one day at a time.

I didn’t realize until years into our relationship that she had a pattern of obsessing over other guys and trying to get their attention. It’s happened enough over the years that it has seriously affected how much I trust her.
At one point I finally told her I was exhausted and didn’t want to be with someone who constantly needed attention from other men. Things seemed to stop for a while.
Then about 3 months ago, something started feeling off again.
A guy popped up on my Instagram under “people you may know” because they were mutuals. I clicked his profile out of curiosity and noticed my wife had been liking a bunch of his boxing videos. Normally I wouldn’t think much of someone liking posts, except she doesn’t even like boxing, and because of our history it immediately caught my attention.
When I confronted her, she got really defensive and said he was an old friend. The problem is she has used the “he’s just an old friend” explanation before, and I later found out the guy wasn’t actually just a friend—he was someone she had been interested in.
She eventually told me she blocked this guy.
Recently she started acting distant and weird again. I kept telling myself I was probably overthinking it because I don’t want to assume the worst every time something feels off.
Then she happened to be sitting beside me while she was on Threads. She went to the search bar, and his username showed up in her recent searches.
So even after telling me she blocked him, she’s apparently still looking him up.
There are some other things bothering me too. She knows I have Threads but doesn’t follow me there. She also used to have a ring in her bio that made it obvious she was married, and recently removed it. By themselves, I know those things could mean absolutely nothing. Combined with everything else, though, they’re getting harder for me to ignore.
Part of me wants to message the guy and simply ask if they were actually ever friends. Not to start drama or threaten him. I just want to know whether she lied to me about that because at this point I don’t know what information from her I can trust.
The other part of me thinks I shouldn’t have to investigate my own marriage like this. If I have to contact another man to figure out whether my wife is telling me the truth, maybe the trust is already too damaged.
What makes this harder is that I’m exhausted. I do most of the stuff around the house and genuinely try to make her happy, but I constantly feel like whatever I give isn’t enough and she still needs attention somewhere else.
I also feel almost indifferent at this point. Part of me wants to say screw it, I’m done. But then I wonder: what if absolutely nothing happened between them? What if I end a 9-year relationship because her past behavior has made me suspicious of something that wasn’t actually happening?
I’m not looking to be called childish or told that liking someone’s posts automatically means she’s cheating. I’m trying to figure out whether the **pattern** is the red flag here.
If your spouse had a history of seeking attention from other people, told you they blocked someone after you expressed concern, and then you found out they were still repeatedly searching for that person, would you consider that a legitimate trust issue?
Am I seeing genuine red flags and asking reasonable questions, or am I so used to this happening that I’m trying to protect myself from getting blindsided again?

I found out two weeks ago that my husband of 9 years had been messaging his ex-girlfriend from high school and college for the last three years in secret. She was not an active participant, but he kept escalating the affection in his messages. He has been insistent that it was nothing and that he was just conflicted about his feelings. Today I found this on a secret Reddit account he had on his phone. He swears he didn’t mean it, but I can’t believe anything he says. I just don’t know what to do.

My husband [41M] plays golf 2-3 times a week.
He has always messaged me when he’s halfway done, when he is finished, when he’s on his way home etc.
Recently, he has been leaving for golf earlier than usual, (tee time at 5 but leaves at 3 even though it only takes 20 minutes to get there) or comes home early, (18 holes should take 4-5 hours but comes home after 6-7 hours)
I [35F] asked him about this recently and he got weirdly aggressive about it, calling me disrespectful and argumentative and that it’s never been a problem in the past.
That night I went through his phone (terrible I know! I already regret it!) no evidence of cheating, no strange messages, no messaging apps, no locks on any apps, no negative messages to friends about me. Everything seemed normal. Boring even.
One message from a golf buddy asking to play at a course. His reply “I don’t really like the course, but I like the cart girl.”
My heart dropped.
Went to his picture folder, no inappropriate pictures. Went in the recently deleted, there was a video that looked like he was hiding his phone to try and get a video of the cart girl without her noticing, as well as a screenshot of the video.
She looks young, not like illegal young, but young for a 40 year old. Maybe early 20’s.
Still no evidence of anything more than the video and saying to a friend he likes her, but still made me sick.
He apologized for how he reacted, but I didn’t say anything about going through his phone.
I never thought my husband could be capable of creep behaviour.
I cant even look him in the eye anymore.
I know crushes and finding people attractive is pretty normal and part of human nature, I’ve thought men were attractive too! But to take a video of someone without their knowledge or consent is what’s bothering me.
I weirdly feel more sorry for this girl than I am mad or disappointed at him.
How do I move on from this?

She F/23 cheated on me M/25 I found out after our immigration interview. She’s still waiting for her green card stuff to come in and it’s been an 8 month wait. It still hurts me to see her or think about her. Me divorcing her could possibly jeopardize her immigration status. What would the repercussions be if any?

I don’t think she deserves my help because it still hurts me and I’ve been helping her with this process for years I just don’t know what to do atp. I don’t hate her I’m not seeking revenge or being petty it just hurts to know that I’m blindly helping her still when she did me so dirty. I was dumb and still had sex and conversations with her after the fact and now that I just want to let go and forget about her idk what to do with this situation. Seeing and thinking about her hurts I have t been able to sleep for a few nights now. Location: Queens, New York

I found out a few days ago that my husband of over 10 years has been texting his female colleague daily, including outside of normal working hours.

I confronted him and asked him to please explain what is going on?

He stated that they were good friends but, he had recently developed feelings for her.

I just feel like my trust has been broken. We were always such a good team together.

Im not to sure where things went wrong or what happened to us.

Yes, we have children.

Anyone been through something similiar?

Is sharing/recommending perfumes with a male coworker an intimate thing, or am I reading too much into it?

Hey all, my girlfriend [35F] recently told me that she and a male coworker share perfume/fragrance Instagram pages and recommend fragrances to each other.

Normally, I probably wouldn't think much of that on its own, but there have been a few other things that have made me suspicious that there could be an emotional affair or some kind of attraction developing.

I've noticed she's started putting a lot more effort into her appearance on days when she's working with him. I've also found out that she hasn't always been truthful with me about when they're on shift together. They message each other quite a lot on Instagram as well, and I've noticed her taking her phone into the bathroom and spending time in there.

Recently, I brought up my concerns with her without directly accusing her of cheating. She reassured me that there was nothing going on and said they mostly just send each other cat videos, perfume/fragrance stuff, etc.

There was also a work party coming up with an animal theme. She wanted to go as a leopard and bought some very tight, figure-hugging pants along with quite a few other things for the costume. When I was shopping with her, there were a couple of moments where she seemed bothered by me being there, and it looked like she was considering buying two of certain things, like masks. It made me wonder whether she and this coworker had planned some kind of matching costume, although I obviously can't know that for sure.

The morning of the party, I brought up my concerns again. She then decided not to go to the party at all, which I found a little strange given how much effort and money she'd already put into the costume.

The perfume thing particularly sticks in my mind because fragrance can feel quite personal. You're talking about how someone smells, what scents suit them, what you find attractive, etc. But I also realise that people can just be really into fragrances and share recommendations with friends without it meaning anything romantic.

So I'm curious what other people think: is sharing and recommending perfumes/fragrances with a coworker potentially an intimate or flirty thing, especially alongside the other behaviour? Or am I giving the perfume aspect too much significance?

I'm less concerned about the perfume recommendations in isolation and more about the combination of that, the frequent Instagram messaging, increased effort with her appearance, and not being truthful about when they're working together.

Shaken by this whole ordeal. In disbelief that such people exist. A married, covert narcissist partner poacher relentlessly pursued my bf. I have since come to learn that it's a pattern and she's constantly hitting on/or trying to poach taken men and is a huge advocate for cheating. I found out after my bf came clean cos she was getting psycho. He showed me all the text exchanges between them and clued me in on all that I was blissfully unaware of, was happening in my own relationship.

She was married and knew my bf was in a committed relationship too. They met through mutual friends and she portrayed herself to be harmless and shared that she was newly married, thus "safe" for my bf to platonically chat to when their paths crossed.

She saw all of our social media content in which bf publicly posted about our joint lives together and how much he treasured our relationship and on hindsight, I suspect that was the hook that got her determined to partner poach. She slowly but surely inserted herself into his life, despite him not being attracted to her at all but she was relentless in her pursuit.

She was sly - initially, she kept telling him how good i looked and how happy we looked together and that he and I were great together. This was a plot to get him to trust her and establish that she was "safe". When that was achieved, she switched her focus to him: she piled on the compliments about how great a partner he was, how handsome he was, etc., and how she wished her husband loved her the way that my bf loved me and how lucky I was. She then started to devalue me, insinuating that I likely was not appreciative of my bf enough and that I took him for granted. She said she'd never do that to him and if she were with him, she'd totally dote on him and love him better than I ever could.

While he had no attraction to her and didn't plan on nor ever wanted to end things with me, he was enjoying the attention and validation he got from her (I know.. and trust me, he's paying for that now but also working on fixing his issues). However, he was not keen on her being so enmeshed in his life. For him, her sole purpose was to boost his ego but hers seemed to be to isolate him from friends and family and get him to choose her over me. It was a one sided competition which I didn't even know I was a part of and her prize was to break us up.

When she started showing signs of possessiveness and intense jealousy, he snapped out of his stupor and tried to cut her off. But she'd turn up where he worked or if she knew he was gonna be some where by stalking his socials, she'd turn up there and act like it was a "coincidence". She kept giving him explicit signs that she wanted him. She'd keep acting like a damsel in distress and cried at the drop of a hat whenever he talked about me or how happy he was with me. She tried to play the victim card, position herself as being neglected by her husband "despite being a wonderful wife", and she also accused me of cheating my bf and made up lies about me to make him dislike me and doubt me.

That's when shit really hit the fan. He realised she was devious and desperately trying to split us up. He saw through her damsel act. He finally grew a pair and some brains and told her to get the eff out of our lives and she was not welcome and there was no room for her and her craziness. The covert narcissism showed up instantly with this rejection - she instantly lost interest, presented an unbothered, strong front, blamed him for "making use of her" and walked away with a certain coldness. No tears and no damsel in distress act this time as she realised it was not effective anymore. DARVO through and through.

The thrill of the chase of a taken person is what these partner poaching, homewrecker-wannabe narcs are after. When it becomes apparent that their attempts are futile, they move on to other supplies. The level of emotional manipulation we experienced was unbelievable... I'd never wanna cross paths with a covert narc ever again but if I do, I know the signs to look out for.

Edit: Btw, I'm not at all absolving my bf of his own mistakes and stupidity and need for validation. He's working on those issues in therapy. This post is more to highlight the woman who thrives on destroying another woman's peace.

This is something I genuinely don’t understand, so I wanted to hear different perspectives.
I know of a guy who, from the outside, seemed like a very loving husband. He and his wife have a child, they spend time together, travel, laugh, and generally look like a really happy family. He also appeared to genuinely care about his wife.
But later, I came to know that he had another relationship outside the marriage.
That completely confused me.
I can somewhat understand why someone in a very unhappy, toxic, or emotionally disconnected marriage might start looking outside the relationship — not saying it’s right, but at least you can understand where the temptation might come from.
But what about someone who is apparently happy with their spouse?
Veettil loving wife/husband undu, kutti undu, family life happy aanu… pinne enthina vere oru relationship?
സന്തോഷമുള്ള ഒരു marriage ഉണ്ടായിട്ടും ചിലർക്ക് എന്തുകൊണ്ടാണ് പുറത്തൊരു relationship വേണമെന്ന് തോന്നുന്നത്?
Is it excitement?
Validation?
Physical attraction?
Boredom?
Ego?
The thrill of doing something secret?
Or can somebody genuinely love their spouse and still cheat on them?
എനിക്ക് ഏറ്റവും മനസ്സിലാകാത്തത് അതാണ് — സ്വന്തം partner-ne genuinely love ചെയ്യുന്ന ഒരാൾക്ക് എങ്ങനെ മറ്റൊരാളുമായി ഒരു relationship maintain ചെയ്യാൻ പറ്റും?
And sometimes the spouse has absolutely no idea because everything at home continues normally. 😐
Have you ever seen something like this happen? What do you think is actually going on psychologically when a person in an apparently happy marriage cheats?
Judgement വേണ്ട, genuinely curious to hear different perspectives. 👀

I’m curious how other people, especially married people, would view this because I’m having a hard time figuring out where the reasonable line is with AI.
My wife and I have been dealing with an issue involving an AI dating/companion app. This isn’t just ChatGPT or writing a fictional romance story. The app has male AI characters who interact directly with the user in second person, and the conversations can become romantic and sexual.
I discovered my wife had been using one privately. She had also purchased an “MVP” membership. I didn’t know she had the app or that she had paid for a membership until I happened to see it.
I later became aware that some of her interactions were romantic and sexually explicit. There were specific sexual things being said back and forth, and the AI characters also sent her pictures.
We finally had a long conversation about it.
I asked her directly: What is the fantasy? What are you getting from these guys? Is it the newness? The attention? Having someone completely focused on you? Is there something you’re getting there that you’re not getting from me?
Her answer is basically that there is no personal or sexual fantasy involving these characters.
She says she views them as AI and the whole thing as interactive entertainment. She enjoys seeing how the characters develop and how the AI responds. She says the interesting part is watching the characters overcome whatever obstacle exists and eventually “allow themselves to love” or get together.
She says the sexual scenes are usually just the “climax” of that story progression.
I also asked why some of her responses were so sexually specific. She said that if she doesn’t give the AI specifics, it generates basically the same generic sexual scene over and over, so adding details makes the interaction/story less repetitive.
She says their looks aren’t important to her, she’s not comparing them to me, and she’s not thinking, “This AI guy has something my husband doesn’t.”
I directly asked whether she ever thinks about these characters when we’re having sex. She strongly said no.
I asked whether she thinks about them when she’s alone sexually. Again, no.
She has also acknowledged that she was dismissive of my concerns because she personally didn’t think this was something I needed to worry about. She apologized and said she would stop using the app because it bothers me.
Here’s where I’m stuck:
I can understand intellectually how someone could treat an AI character as fictional entertainment. I don’t believe interacting with an AI is automatically the same thing as having an affair with an actual person.
But I also have trouble accepting that personally participating in romantic and explicit sexual interactions with an AI “dating” character is exactly the same as simply reading a book or writing a fictional story, especially when your spouse doesn’t know you’re doing it.
There’s also a relationship issue for me because I’ve tried to share fantasies and explore things with my wife. So it hurts that interacting sexually with these characters seemed to happen voluntarily, while I’ve sometimes felt like I’ve had to work to get that kind of exploration or enthusiasm within our marriage.
At the same time, I don’t want to turn this into “my wife must secretly want these AI men” when she’s repeatedly telling me that’s not how she experiences it.
So I’m genuinely interested in other people’s perspectives.
Where would you draw the line?
Is this basically interactive fiction/porn and the real problem is that it was hidden?
Would the romantic interaction bother you more than ordinary porn?
Would the sexual conversations bother you even though there’s no real person on the other end?
Does paying for a membership change anything?
And if your spouse gave you the explanation mine gave me, would you consider that a reasonable explanation, or would you still feel like something wasn’t adding up?
I’m not looking for “divorce her” or “you’re insecure” drive-by answers. I’m genuinely interested in how other people define boundaries around this because AI creates a situation that didn’t really exist in this form until recently.

Chapter One: How It Started

I knew he was married.

That wasn’t a secret. I knew from the beginning, and somehow, I still had no idea what I was walking into.

When we first met, I never imagined he would become such a huge part of my life. I thought I understood the situation. I thought I knew the boundaries. I thought I could keep my feelings separate from it.

I was wrong.

Because what started as something I told myself would be simple slowly became something I couldn’t walk away from.

And if I’m being honest, that was only the beginning.

I (28F) need outside perspective because I can't tell anymore if I'm being insecure or if something is actually wrong. My husband (32M) works at a big tech company with a coworker (23F), and the dynamic between them has been bothering me for a while.

At work (per him and a mutual coworker friend):

She sits at his cubicle and cuddles up next to him while they work all the time

She follows him around the office when he gets up

His desk is covered in gifts from her

He uses a pink keyboard that's actually hers

They play pickleball together and he keeps her gear at the courts; she's pouted about not getting to wear his hat

At lunch, they joke that they're each other's "number one priority" and that no one else at work "gets" them like they get each other. When they are not having lunch, I see him intensely looking and checking his phone to see what this girl has eaten for lunch.

They have daily "walks" together and recently I have learned this girl does not go do this with anyone else but him because she hates walking around places. She has stated she hates doing a lot of activities unless my husband does it with her.

Texting:

He texts her constantly, including while I'm mid-conversation with him or when we're out with friends

He hides his phone when texting her

He's taken his phone "to the bathroom" multiple times without actually needing to go

I asked to see his messages with her. He's only shown me once, briefly, and wouldn't let me scroll through them

When I did finally see some of the messages myself, he'd written her paragraphs about his "platonic" love for her, called her his "number one bestie," said she's "an angel he needed in this life," said he's "living for her," and described her as an "adorable cute pet" when she acts babyish with him over text. He said he likes it when she's soft and clingy like that.

Boundaries I've tried to set:

I told him this friendship crossed lines for me and asked for more transparency

He got angry that I "accused him of emotionally cheating" and has now told me I'm no longer allowed to look at their texts at all, and that I need to "back off"

The first few arguments I told him he needs to spend less time with her and less time on the phone. I noticed that he went into work earlier and has been staying at work longer. Mutual friends see them leaving at the same time.

I told him I don't like that she picks him up and they go to work together but he insists it's to save gas. (We have no money issues)

Other patterns:**

When they fight, he gets noticeably more depressed and shuts down, doesn't want to talk to me or do anything

When we hang out as a group, he barely acknowledges me and talks to her the whole time

I don't work right now and financially depend on him, which makes this feel even harder to sit with

I love him and I don't want to blow this up over nothing, but the language he's using with her doesn't feel "platonic" to me, and now he's shutting down any attempt I make to address it. My closest friend basically thinks I'm stuck and there's not much I can do about it right now.

Are my feelings valid here? Would you call this emotional cheating, or am I reading too much into it? He has worked at this company for 5+ years and the girl only for a couple years. He has never done this before with anyone until she came along to talk to him this year a few months ago. Note: I am not good at english, I shared this information with a friend and had them write my thoughts down in a coherent way. To be honest, there is too much I am not okay with and I feel hurt over everything. I have been secretly saving some messages to show to my close friends. I am hearing a lot of affectionate acts from mutual coworkers that my husband has been displaying but everyone tries to convince me it is natural. Our friend group talks about it but no one really says anything or wants to get involved nor stand by my side because he’s the breadwinner.

I am from a conservative religious family and both me and my wife were virgins when we got married. Neither of us had any relationships previous to our marriage. Heck, I didn’t even know what the difference between a crush, an infatuation, and love was. We had a largely peaceful marriage until our first kid. Since then, the marriage has gone downhill. I won’t go into details since it’s not the focus of this post. Suffice to say that we have been glorified roommates for the past 3+ years.

I didn’t go out looking to cheat on my wife. I pretty much resigned to my fate, living only as a shell of a man.

I am a regular Twitter user and have had a mutual for about 6 months now. Same age as me. What started off as a casual conversation has now blossomed into something much more. We text all the time and talk almost daily while I am at work. But that’s about it. We have not met in person or video called or done any NSFW stuff on text. I am not even sure if she feels the same way about me.

The post is more of an “off my chest” thing.