r/emotionalaffair

I’ve been on a long journey with my husband. We’ve known each other since high school—we were best friends first and didn’t officially get together until we were 19. By that time, we had both already been through a lot individually.
He struggled with addiction and went through treatment for drugs, and I had a child. He has raised my oldest son as his own. Since then, we’ve had two more boys together.
We’ve both hurt each other in the past. In 2019, we separated and both of us were involved in relationships outside of our marriage. Before that separation, I also caught him texting other people on multiple occasions, though he always insisted it never went beyond texting.
We got back together in 2021, and things honestly felt better than they ever had. We’ve been in counseling, we don’t fight like we used to, and I truly believed we were in a healthier place.
Recently, though, things have changed again. I found that he has been looking at porn frequently, and it escalates into him visiting escort-related websites. I also saw messages that made it seem like he was communicating with someone from one of those sites. He told me it was an “escort,” but that nothing physical ever happened and he never paid. I’m not fully sure how those sites work, but I don’t feel confident in what he’s telling me.
I also strongly suspect he may have met up with someone in recent months, though I don’t have proof.
Yesterday, I caught him again looking at porn. Before I could go through his phone, he deleted a lot of things and told me he didn’t want me to see his browsing history. This is something he has done before.
Now he’s saying it’s a porn addiction and that he needs support and understanding while he works through it. I want to be supportive, but I also feel hurt, confused, and like trust is breaking again.
I’ve put so much time, energy, and effort into rebuilding this relationship, and right now I feel completely broken.
I guess I’m just looking for outside perspective—am I overreacting? How do you even navigate something like this in counseling when trust keeps getting broken?

I don’t know if this fits here, but I need an outsider’s perspective, because I’ve started doubting my own read of it.

My partner became very close to someone. A lot of fun, a lot of connection. Around the same time, whenever we had a disagreement, she seemed to have less energy to work through it with me. I also noticed she was copy-pasting things I’d said to her straight to him. Even, when I told her after our fight “I’d love to come visit if you miss me, but I don’t want to push myself into the situation,” she forwarded that to him too, which felt like something private between us, not something to hand to a friend. She was already relaying our other discussions to him in real time, but this was different, it was something tender and private between us, and she handed even that to him.

Later I found out more. He had been telling her things like: that he thinks about how she sleeps, that he’s deeply in love with the way she smiles, that he thinks about her around 80% of the time, that he wants to fall asleep next to her again, that being with her feels like a perfect bubble. And her replies weren’t her pulling back. She told him she feels the absolute same, that he’s making her melt and she has to remind herself to breathe, and she answered his “80% of my day” with “same.” She’s also told him she “misses him to the moon,” even though they see each other almost every day and she seems to be texting him constantly, online every few minutes. Once I started to pay more attention to her messaging she started to use bathroom times more for chatting times.

When I told her this feels like an emotional affair, she disagreed. Before that since I was internally feel bad I started to ask more questions and had more problems and she didnt like it and for some things she said I’m being controlling, that we have different values, and that it’s “just a very close friendship.” She never told me about any of this on her own. I found out. And when I asked her directly whether they have something, or whether he might feel something for her, she just called it a very close friendship and said she doesn’t know more, that she’d never even asked him. I even asked how much he misses her, hoping she’d at least hint at what he’d actually said, but she said she has no idea.

So here’s my question. I know I’m only telling my side. But am I being delusional for feeling this isn’t a friendship?

It might be cultural, or a real difference in values, I genuinely don’t know anymore. That’s why I want honest outside opinions.

Note: From the beginning of our relationship this is the second case like this, and at first she was also telling that they are just very close friends but that person later tried to kiss her, so she had sad times and had a breakup time with that “friend” and now this starts to happen, and I suspect the same thing. I really believe in her and sometimes I really suspect that she doesn’t see the signs and maybe she genuinely doesn’t see it coming, or maybe simply I am attributing falsely. But at the end of the day, maybe pre-judging is clouding me, but last time, ignoring my gut is what hurt me.

"My husband had two addictions (hid both) in 1 year, he started abusing benzos a year ago, he told me this past Dec, I kept it to myself and helped him safely taper down off. Les than 1 month from being clean off benzos he started using and abusing opiates and during this time he also started using porn more frequently as he was having ED due to the opiates and it was easier to self gratify then be intimate with his wife. We are still having sex since it all came to light 2 weeks ago. 1 week on meds. I also discovered while he was in a 3 day detox a couple of weeks ago that for the last 2 years he has literally had a completely secret identity online between Reddit and discord, the communities I found him following were absolutely disgusting and disturbing, the videos of "corn" he had saved!!!! my once sweet and extremely humble husband was posting pictures of himself and his transformation after losing a ton of weight with my help, asking if he was hot yet seeking attention from other women and seeking other women, even if to look at or gratify himself to through the communities that he was joining some of which were extremely upsetting and off putting to me, should I not be intimate with him right now and I feeding this "dopamine" tilt since he isn't actively using? Am I just his new and I guess previous addiction dopamine hit/fix or fascination??"

Undecided on what to do.

I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2 and we have a young baby.

I found text messages on his phone to a work colleague which were quite bad. He was calling her cutie, telling her how nice she looked (including her ass), saying he missed her, texting her asking how her day was whilst he was out with me, away for weekends with me. He was saying he couldnt wait to cuddle her again.

I have had the confirmation there was nothing physical from both sides as I messaged the woman too (minus the cuddles).

My husband is doing everything in his power to make this right which included showing me him ending it, blocking her, letting me look fully through his phone, let me read every single text message. Willing to quit his job.

He is so scared of losing me now.

I dont want to end my marriage. I love him, our daughter loves him and he has never did this before.

Has anyone ever recovered from something like this?

I just found out my husband of 20 years, has been having an affair with the girl he lost his virginity to in high school, he claimed they were just good friends, but when I just discovered their cheating, he revealed to me that they’ve been best friends, and he did have romantic feelings for her and considered acting on it years ago, but claims he didn’t. They’ve had multiple meetings over the years, all behind my back, going to the lake together, going on hikes, etc. Her mom was dying and he was able to tell her mom that he would always be there to look after her. He claims that she was in an abusive relationship, so he’s been helping her through that. Because he would go to her whenever she needed, behind my back, he told me she has a heart of gold. For some reason that really stings. I however have had a chronic illness for 10 years of our relationship, I needed him, his love and care, but now knowing why he wasn’t around sometimes, he was with her, because she needed him. He said they’re best friends, but he loves her, too. People tell me the same thing, that I have a heart of gold and am the sweetest most light hearted person, and so loving, how could the man I thought was my everything and forever love, been with his high school chick, this entire time. Meaning our marriage was a lie, all of it, he literally ruined my whole life. We met when I was 26, I’m 45 now. He told me she was on drugs, and hit rock bottom, so he had to be there for her. I hate her and him, I know it’s his fault, but she has been with him the whole time, a married man. I feel like such a fool and can’t believe I wasted 20 years of my life with him. 20 years of lies and deceit and betrayals I really can’t understand why he stayed married to me, if he really just wanted to be with her. His mom died last year, and he said they reconnected because their moms passed, and I wouldn’t understand, literally using it again at me because I can’t connect with him that way.But I am heartbroken and devastated. I’m shattered as a human. I’m questioning everything. I don’t know how I didn’t see it. I have some brain damage from an accident and so my emotional conscience is completely beyond its limits. I don’t know if my damaged mind will allow me to survive this trauma.

I am a male who found out his wife of 11 years was having an emotional affair.

So I found out back in October my wife was having an emotional affair / I don’t know if nowadays considered almost physical. It was long distance so no literal contact but pictures ( she only sent one topless) while he sent more. But like the sexy talk kind of affair

Anyway I’m currently as the betrayed really craving contact and intimacy ( I mean it has been a while).

She isn’t ready for that and needs time as she is ashamed of what she did and doesn’t feel ready yet. So it’s kind of me balancing not rushing or even if I should be wanting that right now or not. And her telling me she cares and needs to get herself mentally right first after doing such a thing. She is very remorseful , she despises him now because it was kind of manipulative at times and got played ( for lack of better term).

Has anyone dealt with this desire for physical intimacy to feel again after something like this? Or am I also supposed to slow down. I want to feel chosen which I see her trying in a lot of ways it’s just not with intimacy.

For context also she has some serious depression we battle even before this. I mean like on medications well before this as in why am I even here on earth if you get my drift. Again way way before this so sometimes when I bring it up I feel like I’m pushing her to hate herself more but at same time I’m just trying to find answers that aren’t even necessarily there because she despises him now and the person he is ( they fought too but would almost manipulate her to talk to him again, it was weird) and yes i read that type stuff

All that to back to my real question about me the man who was betrayed wanting physical contact now more than ever. Am I wrong for wanting that and supposed to just slowly rebuild and forget my need for that connection?

So my 30m boyfriend has been acting unusual lately, I suspected something is wrong but what I found was too much for me to handle. Our next door neighbor is 2months pregnant for and he haven't spoken to me about it.

I (36F) found out a few days ago my husband (42M) has been having a year long “emotional affair”. We have been together 10 years, married for 5, and have 2 kids together (5 and 2). It was an old friend from college that he kept in contact with (which I knew), but they started messaging regularly 2 years ago and it turned romantic/sexual a year ago. They messaged each other all day every day. Hell- they “sexted” while we were on a family vacation with our kids, my parents, and my brother/SIL. It’s so sick. To make matters worse, I’m having surgery on Thursday and will non weight bearing for 4/6 weeks so I’m going to have to rely on him. This will be my 7th surgery in 5 years. I’ve been struggling so much with my health while he’s busy with this.

Idk if this is something I can ever get over. I always told myself I would never stay in this situation. Now I feel guilty for not at least TRYING to salvage something, but I’m hoping therapy will give me some clarity one way or the other. We may even BOTH come to the realization that we aren’t right for each other. But I owe it to my kids to at least be cordial with their father so we can coparent effectively.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. My kids were gone all day yesterday with my parents, but they’re home now. Trying to act like everything is fine in front of them is so hard. I haven’t slept more than a couple hours since I found out. Barely ate. I am just SO wired with adrenaline, but I’m having trouble staying busy because I can’t concentrate.

I am okay and not in any danger to myself (or him lol). I sent a message to my psychiatrist for a work in apt this week, and sent a bunch of inquiries to therapist for myself that specialize in betrayal. But I feel so devastated. Advice? Well wishes? Love? Anything?

I wonder how much of this is happening that no one talks about. Often we feel so much shame when our partner has an emotional or physical affair, we don’t open up about it. I mean, unless there’s a break up involved. I wonder how many relationships have struggled and stayed together quietly behind the scenes.

I (37f) am currently in the process of rebuilding trust with my bf (31). All I hear is to leave him. I never get the story of people who stayed together and are possibly stronger in the end. There are so many days this feels impossible to do. Wondering if a happy ending is possible?

Me (33F) and bf (34M) have been having a “fresh start” after a work colleague told me he’d been messaging her inappropriately. He is a personal trainer and works in a gym. He had also been following hundreds of women on instagram and eventually admitted to messaging them.

I gave him another chance and he was adamant that all the messages were, were responses to stories and simply flirting on instagram. He promised me there were no other clients and no one he actually knows. He denied any sexting or sending/receiving photos.

At the time when I discovered all this he grabbed me by the throat when I confronted him, and another time he pushed me around like a rag doll. He’s a very muscular man and I’m petite in comparison.

He has since been to therapy and I’ve been with him too which has really helped. He also pulled out of all bodybuilding shows this year and stopped taking steroids. He has also come off
All Social media

We’ve just been on holiday which was very stressful and we had a big argument which led to me feeling really
On edge.
Since a few months ago he’s been very open with his phone and said I can go on it any time I want. I have checked it a few times and found nothing.

When we were out for dinner I’d had a lot to drink and I checked his phone in the bathroom.
I was horrified to find deleted text messages from 3 months ago with another client who he has since carried on working with. And these weren’t just flirty it was full on sexting. The worst part is the girl’s boyfriend is ALSO his client so that adds another layer. So she was cheating on her boyfriend with his and her coach!! It’s wild.

When we were away and arguing he pushed me into a wall
So I had a giant bruise on my bum the whole time. He also kicked me another time when we were arguing.

She was also texting him very submissive stuff and referenced his foot fetishis and long nails. When I asked about this he denied talking about this to her- how else did she know! That’s a hell of a stab in the dark.

Since he is apologetic but expects me to move past it, he just doesn’t understand that it’s the fact he’s lied to me about what actually happened and who with- and I feel this fresh start has beeen under false pretence.

It’s only
Fair that I’m honest in saying I can be a very difficult partner and I have a lot of emotional regulation problems which is very stressful for him. He is incredibly supportive
Of this and in general is very caring and loving.

Any advice? Am I being unfair given all the work he’s done?

Tl;dr partner dishonest about level of infidelity and found out that it was actually sexting with many people he’s in regular contact with still. I don’t
Believe he has done anything since but it’s the fact he has lied about the extent of it

I(35M) have cheated online on my wife(35F) 6 times in the past two years. We have been married for almost 2 years with anniversary falling on 11th July. I have a 15months old son. The first 2 months were really good. But after that I have done online infidelity multiple times and today was the 6th time when she caught me texting women intimately. I am a porn addict and I like watching porn where women strip. I have a kink for that. So much so, that I get instant pleasure in that than real sex. I lose erection sometimes while getting physical with my wife. I don’t feel the friction whenever I try to prolong it and thats why I don’t like real sex and therefore prefer having online sexting pleasurable with pic sharing and all. Is there a way to come out of this sin that I have been committing for so long now. I don’t want to lose my wife and I have hurt here beyond repair. She wants to go. I want to save my marriage. I am repenting. I want a way out. So I need help.

Chatgpt TLDR -

Met my wife through an arranged marriage setup. During our courtship, I believed we were exclusively choosing each other, but after marriage I discovered she was secretly in constant contact with her ex—meeting him the day after our roka, talking to him for hours late at night (even a week before the wedding), telling friends she loved him more than me just days before our marriage. She lied repeatedly, minimized their relationship, gaslit me, and only admitted things when confronted with evidence. She even invited the other ex to our wedding despite me expressing discomfort. She now says she loves me, was just stressed and confused, and begs me to move on, but the repeated lies and deception have shattered my trust. I still love her, but I feel betrayed, emotionally numb, and don't know if I can ever trust her again.

Edit- we've only been married 4 months

My wife and I met through an AM agency and hit it off really really well. We both lived in different cities. She introverted but opened up quickly and things were good, we even had things in common so there was no question of incompatibility.

After to and fro texting we decided to meet in person, i stayed in her city for 3 nights and met each other for each meal, her parents even invited me home for lunch one day. (We used to meet at cafes and restaurants). She was into me, so was I, and we conveyed the same to our parents.

Things move forward and to Roka-fy and her parents visit my city, came to our house to meet my family in person, and on the 2nd day mutually decided to Roka-fy (a ceremony where we commit ourselves to marry each other) us.

On the third day, (next day after roka ceremony), she went out to see a friend, a male friend, whom she apparently hadn't met in 6 months.

I obviously didn't mind, because it's not my business, and place to stop her from meeting a friend.

By then, she had told me she had been in a relationship, for 8 months with U. things didn't work out so they chose to remain friends, fair enough. He used to come over to her house, meet the family, eat out. It didn't bother me.

But when the wedding day came close, i find out that the ex U is coming, i was furious and felt humiliated that she would not keep the wedding clean, i spoke to her, voiced out my concerns, (didn't shout or yell) and let her know how i felt. Her first reaction was "who?? Him?? Noooo ewwwwww " and went on to explain how he was nothing more than a friend, she was not physically or emotionally involved with him.

Her past is her past, her being physically involved with another man was never an issue, she didn't minimize my concerns, and calmly explained that their relationship was just a situationship where nothing ever happened. I ate it, and yes he came to the wedding.

He met each other in approx 20 days, i used to visit for 3-4 days, and as we grew closer, i used to visit her without our parents knowing, we got physical, we had sex each time i visited..

Things roll by, we get married, things are amazing with her. One evening when drunk she tells me about another ex, he was the serious one, dated 1.5 years. She began telling me about him, with "i want to tell you something, but i don't know if i should or shouldn't, should i tell you??". I brushed it aside, again her past is her past.

One evening she asks me to block a number on her phone, i see 3 numbers blocked. He is one of them.

Another day a creep keeps harrassing her all day, she can't block him through Truecaller because he's maybe using modded app that doesn't let others block you. I block the creep's number on her phone app. And Lo and behold, her ex is unblocked.

My mind starts spiralling, it feels off. I never had any reason to think she'd try to contact her ex, i never had any reason to check her phone( we both had each other's fingerprints saved on each other's phones).

At first i search his name, whatsapp chat is empty. I scroll a little and find his name highlighted in other people's texts.

What i found-

1. He is the guy she met the day after our roka. When she first told me about her evening, she was soo happy spending time with him, the ate at the food court, went bowling, played games at the arcade.

2. She confessed to her friend, that she loved her ex more than me, she compared us, and how much better he made her feel. This is 4 days before the marriage. Her Friend replies, "poor guy, he's spending so much in his wedding and you still think about your ex more than him"

3. U, repeatedly advised her not to speak to him, someone said she's emotionally cheating on me, but she brushes it off by saying "bitch please we used to date"

This one reply triggers me, she lied to me about her past with him, but in the chats minimizes the cheating allegations and says the above. She dated him, but downplayed by issues about him coming to the wedding.

4. Her girl BFFs knew about the serious bf and everyone told her to cut ties with him but she didn't want to.

5. She tells U, that one night they were on the phone for 3 hours.

6. She tells her friends that despite a big nasty fight, she yearns to hear his voice, "accha lagta hain usse baat karna"

All this is 2 months before the wedding. This is just a brief jist of what i found out.

I told me brother about everything i knew, we confronted her and she broke down, sobbing. Telling me how much she loved me and how much i matter to her in her life, and all the cliched lines.

My brother wanted to speak to her ex bf because at that time we wanted to know what was going on, and if she was having an affair. She refused to give us his number, i went out for a walk to clear my head, 15 mins had passed only then does she send it to me. My brother was sure that she had spoken to him first. The bf was super calm, composed and very prepared.

He lied, he lied through his teeth and corroborated my wife's story. How do i know he lied, because his story didn't match what i knew through the chats.

I checked her phone logs through airtel, she was talking to him for hours, even a week before the wedding, late night calls. 10pm was the cutoff time for me, she was unavailable to me after 10 because she would go to sleep. She would speak to him allll night long. I find this through the call logs.

Her WhatsApp chats are deleted. Foolish girl didn't know she had to delete her Google pics and phone storage proofs too. They were active on Snapchat too.

I confronted her, she lied and minimized, i confront her with proof, she admits that piece but denies the rest, i figure she's lying again, confront her with evidence, she then admits that piece of evidence and the cycle repeats.

This never ending cycle of lying and admitting is driving me insane...

She gave me 2 different versions of why she was speaking to him for 3hrs.

She has deleted WhatsApp call logs after i saw them, which confirm the nasty fight story on the chats and then tried to gaslight me into believing that i didn't see them.

Her justification for keeping in touch with him was that she was stressed about money, family responsibilities, her quitting her old job and finding a new one, our marriage compatibility, she feared our marriage would turn toxic like her parents.

I buy that, i understand that. But i can't get out of this trip. The blatant dishonesty, gaslighting, contant lying has driven me mad.

I grieve the happy courtship period that i perceived in my mind, i thought my courtship period was both of us choosing each other, exclusivity, emotionally investing in each other, honesty.

I've grown emotionally numb, one minute I'm with her, happy, Joyous. Then my mind flips and i remember everything and i freeze her out.

I don't think i can trust her again.

She tries her best to get me to talk to her when I'm silent, but i just can't look past her actions. I can't bear to look at her face when I'm flipped. I don't yell or shout, i just stop talking to anyone and everyone.

I love my wife, but i don't know how to take things forward, I'm confused and feel betrayed. I realise this hot and cold behaviour is also taking a toll on her mental health, but I'm in the bad thoughts zone, i can't utter a word out of my mouth.

hi everyone. I just want to share my story and find some answers or just read what people say and think about it.

I am 30 year old woman, I have a newborn (2 months old almost) and a toddler 2,5 years old. Still married officially but… here’s the story:
We met in Dubai where I had a job, moved to his country in Europe where he invited me to live with him. I honestly thought this is it and fall in love with the man. He proposed after 6 months together. Life was beautiful and busy. He can’t sit still, big business, loves to travel, lots of people and fun. We traveled a lot. We became a family. My parents moved to his country because of war in my home.

we had our first daughter abroad and were constantly talking how we would move to Spain and live there, making future plans.

we both have siblings and we were dreaming that daughter has a sibling too, so we planned a baby. 2 months being pregnant with a second baby I discovered he has an affair. I was shocked, there was no doubt about us in my head. he was calling me the love of his life. He came back home in 2 days and talked to me, his parents, and he broke it with the AP.
He was with her just for 1,5 months when I discovered.
the AP is 4 years younger than me. She’s 26. I am now 30. He is 42.

He downgraded because she’s just a regular girl. She was following him to all events and places until she got him….
He made it look like he came back home for a month, I was devastated and asking lots of questions. Then I realized he is in touch with her and still seeing her. after a month from discovery he unsurely said that he wants to be just parents with me. Wtf?
I was shattered, I am pregnant, we have a toddler, I told him he is out of his mind. We agreed that we wont make major decisions in pregnancy. But I obviously knew he is with ap.
for half year it was functioning in a way that I know he is meeting her and talking to her, but he was home every day and sleeping on a sofa downstairs and helping and doing everything, but there was not a word about his affair. He was saying he helps me because I am pregnant, pregnancy was not easy and we have a toddler. I genuinely thought that he went mad and there is no chance they stay together and once the baby is born somehow he will wake up and do the work and try to bring it all back.
I was devastated, I had panic attack, crying, surviving pregnancy from day to day…. I was constantly worried, then I was sad, then angry, then I hoped, and so on. Lots of feelings. Until this day. After baby birth where he has the audacity to be there in birth room, which I did not reject because I truly hoped we will end up together… I thought he is so in love with the baby, so supportive, there is no way he can leave me alone in this…

then 7 days postpartum I just exploded and couldn’t handle this shit anymore. Is he here or is he there? What the fuck is going on? I kicked him out after he said “You wouldn’t want a guy who will stay just for the kids”.

the thing is that now it’s even worse. He wants to be Involved father and we have daily contact. He is still with the same bitch he cheated me on and he wants to take toddler for a walk/activity/etc. I have no clue if his bitch is there or not, how can I possibly know if he is a liar?? my babies don’t owe her a meeting even.

that the hardest part of all. The parenting part. With this person.

his parents won’t approve and say they will reject contact with ap. But that’s for now… we are still not officially divorced.

he is so weak he can’t even ask for divorce, I constantly have to talk to him to understand what’s going to happen and how things will be. I take care of two kids and he just blames me that he has little time with them. Like I am the one who did all this. He says he’d help all the time but “I won’t let him”. In fact, I am 24/7 around the kids, no time to shower. And he is fucking around, party, job, travels, gym , name it.

I can’t apply for divorce for another year until my documents here are done. I dont know how to survive this year. Once divorce is finalized I want to move abroad and I hope he gives Me permission to move with kids. He wants to be involved father because he can’t stand to be the bad guy in the story. He genuinely thinks “Life happened, I fall in love, I never meant to hurt you. And I will always be there for the kids, don’t make me loose contact with them”.

So the question is, am I crazy to feel furious? I think I am going crazy.
Do you have experience moving abroad with two kids to a totally new place (you visited but with one kid before)? With no Family or friends there.
what will be the custody plan for this case? He wants kids… let’s say they will be 5 and 3? Can he take them away for long?

please give advice on how to survive this and not break into pieces.

My boyfriend (m31) and I (f37) have been dating for two years. When I met him he was so stand up about being committed, loyal, stable and just incredible. Talked a lot about pride and had been with the same company a long time, had his same friends since childhood and showed so many high quality values. Since then, he violated my trust on a layover and I found out. We have been doing counselling and trying to rebuild trust because we are expecting a baby in February. Now because I have access to his phone, I found out he emotionally cheated on his ex of 5 years, one lasting months. Hanging out and taking these girls on dates but “nothing happened”

It’s been really hard emotionally for me. I can’t help but think if my life would be better as a single mother. How come men who don’t lust and have solid boundaries around commitment are hard to find. He really sold me a person who isn’t exactly who he is. If I do leave what are the signs of a good man- I feel blindsided.

Hi everyone,

My wife (K) and I have been together a long time. Over the past year or so, she developed a very close friendship with a former coworker (J). It started as a “work husband” thing but went beyond that even after he left the job.

Some of the things that stand out:

•  They text daily

•  She helps him with things like furniture for his new apartment

•  They’ve had long private lunches, store runs, and family holiday gatherings where they’re very chatty and affectionate with each other

•  She’s brought him food, given him rides, etc.

I’ve talked to her about it openly. I told her I noticed it felt like an emotional affair and encouraged her to be discreet if she wanted more.

This past Monday, she helped J move furniture to his apartment. They spent several hours together alone (I was home with the dog). She came home tired and we haven’t really talked about the day.

Any advice on how to navigate this?

Thanks.

Long post but I’ll try to include all the relevant information. I have been attending school out of state since Jan of this year. I (35m) and my wife (35f) agreed to this in order for me to get credentials for a higher paying job. It is a year long program and Mon-Friday I live out of state and commute home on the weekends. We have 5 children together, ages 8, 5, 3, and twin 1 year olds. We moved in with my In-laws to lower living costs and help with the children.

My wife met two friends a year or so before I started this program. Both women are single with no kids. They started helping quite a bit especially after I left for the program. They would hang out, help with dinners/bed times, etc. For privacy we will call them A and B. Often, about once or twice a month, before I started school, my wife would go out with them on the weekend, usually for a dinner and some hang time and usually only 4-5 hours or so. I was supportive of this because I knew how much she did with the kids and I wanted her to have breaks kid free.

Some further context that is relevant to the story: my wife and friend A have both been in previous marriages with a female partner (not each other.)

After I started school we still continued the 1-2 times a month of hangout time with A and B. Again, I was supportive of this, but it was hard for me since I was already gone during the week. I started struggling with depression, the pressure of school and needing to succeed. I know I should’ve sought help for it but I didn’t. I was hard on myself but convinced myself the only path forward was to finish the school. My wife said the same thing. So I hyper focused on it. It was wrong and I know it but it’s what happened.

As the year went on, my wife started doing these weekend hangouts more often, even after her time with the friends increased during the week. And the time she would be gone also increased. My MIL and my mom both came to me separately at different times telling me they didn’t like how often she was gone while I was home. I defended my wife, telling them it was fine, she deserved a break, etc. I did notice the increase as well and it did bother me. But I let my guilt of not being there during the week and my fear of failing the program convince me it was ok. I was wrong for that, I should’ve communicated what I was feeling.

Things started coming to a head in the beginning of June. The first weekend of June we planned a date on Saturday, we would hire a babysitter (in-laws were out of town on vacation) and go out. That Saturday she went to hang out with A and B. Told me she would leave by 4 to be home and get ready. I had the kids by myself until then. 4 comes and she’s not there, she texts a few minutes after 4 saying she’s just leaving from her friends and she “lost track of time”. Again, this greatly upset me. But I did not communicate that. That is my fault. When she did get there and we left I was so angry at this and it was obvious I was upset. We fought over where to go (I had already suggested a place days earlier) and it culminated when she asked me a two part question (something she frequently does). “Do me and the kids make you happy, can I do anything to make you happy”. I said no there is nothing you can do to make me happy. I again let my guilt keep me from expressing how upset I was. My answer was mostly that I felt the problems were all on me, so that there wasn’t anything my family did to cause them so there wasn’t anything they could do to solve them.

It has been downhill since then. The next weekend she went on a pre-planned beach trip with A and B from Friday until Sunday evening. I had been gone all week after the date night fight and didn’t see her until Sunday. We again had an argument and she asked me to go back to my apartment out of state.

By Father’s Day weekend she asked for space for 24 hours on the weekend to “think and process things” I agreed but asked that she tell me who she would be with, where she would be, and when she would come back. She said she would be with A and B, at A’s house, and home Saturday evening. So on Friday I come home, she wouldn’t hug me or kiss me, she bought a bunch of new dresses, which she took with her, she left without her wedding ring, and a bottle of tequila. We didn’t communicate much over that time, other than I sent her some pics of the kids and us eating out together.

When she came home that Saturday we put the kids to bed and had a long conversation. She was very upset and telling me she felt disconnected from me and tired of the doom and gloom and that I hadn’t pursued her for a long time. I told her I felt like she had been replacing me with her friend group and that we needed counseling. She refused. She went to bed that night with her phone hidden under pillow, something she has never done in our time of being married (we each have the others phone passwords). Since all this had been happening, I have had insomnia and not sleeping, so around 2 in the morning I was able to get her phone. I found pics of her and friend A out at a fancy restaurant. Texts from friend B confirming she would be at work over that weekend and would not be home. And her text thread with friend A had been deleted, except for one goodnight with a heart emoji that came in after she had went to bed. There were also pics of her trying on dresses that she hadn’t sent to me. I also found a screenshot of a FB thread talking about how to get maximum child support. I also confirmed friend A paid for my wife’s meal they didn’t split the bill.

I confronted her in the morning (on Father’s Day) about all these things. She told me she had the post because she thought it was “interesting”. And that she just forgot to tell me that friend B wasn’t home this weekend.

All these things point to at least an emotional affair. I know I have my issues to work on but she refuses to go to counseling together. We are currently separated, she has moved into A’s house.

So is this an emotional affair?

Welp much like the rest of us I guess many of us never saw ourselves posting here.

For context I’m 41(M) my wife 39(F). We have been married for 11 years. It started off great we have an 11 year old daughter.

Over the past several years I’m taking 4 or 5 years we have been living I would say more like roommates. I work and for much of that time I worked a 3rd shift. She is a SAHM and trying to now find work.

Often times I would go sleep in daughters room as it blocked most sunlight and while on 3rd shift she would kind of take over office and living room areas.

Fast forward I found out in October of last year (2025) that my wife was having a EA. I think distance kept it from becoming anymore but anyway a 50 year old man on the other side of the U.S. who is also married with kids! I found out when I went into her phone trying to figure out a password for my daughter’s school work. Welp instead I see a man labeled “hotness” in Facebook messenger. She was labeled total babe or something.

At first she tried to play it off but later was forthcoming. (and then I kind of steal the phone and go off). The mistake I feel I made was not dissecting more conversations but there were just too many. I’ve thought of messaging him, I’ve thought of telling his wife because I feel like he shouldn’t get off free. Meanwhile my mind runs everyday at some point.

I talk to her about it and what started off as friends grew to more to include him sending naked pictures and her sending one topless picture. The guy she was talking to was actually upset she didn’t send full frontal. I also saw messages on masturbation and make up sex and booking flights that kind of stuff. Statements like “always horny for the right man” They then kind of cut it off atleast the sexy flirting part by the time I found out but it still happened. If I had to guess they talked for a year and for probably 2 months or so it was more heated.

Now we were struggling we both were but I would never do that to her.

She finally saw it for what it was I said he groomed you, he doesn’t care about you etc. ( I have a background with sex offenders ). She is extremely remorseful, she wishes she could take it back, and she says she cares about me way more than him even when it was going on. He is blocked and deleted etc. so it’s not even a question of if she will message him again. She can’t stand him, she feels used and said he messaged other women too for validation.

She is on several medications to try to stabilize mood and has been for 6 or so years. If I bring it up it’s impossible because she has already said she is sorry and nothing more happened ( which didn’t the guy lives literally the other coast of the U.S.). So she isnt lying when she says me bringing it up pushes her further away and more isolated. She will talk about it but it’s really hard for me not to come off angry or stunned which I was. As she constantly talks about hating men who behave like he did. Which is kind of confusing.

Ok now I understand why everyone types so much on these it just flows. Well a big part is she shared a lot about us with this guy. I mean sex life etc that I trusted her with.

She said stuff to him she has never said to me sexually and I don’t necessarily want that if it’s fake. Sent videos to him often ( not intimate more how are you, just checking in and I even saw me and my daughter in a video sent to him from the beach.

Now she is sorry and hates that I carry the hurt. We are going on a vacation to the same spot some of the videos were sent( this was after it was no longer sexual but just hey are you messages). That’s video with me and daughter in it.

So a few things how do I reclaim this vacation as my spot or our spot? Does it ever get better or stop going through your head like a Rolodex? I have good days and bad days. My good days often are when I get messages from her because I am on her mind. By the way during this he got messages constantly and mine were often left unread.

Am I overreacting because it wasn’t physical? I did a therapist for a bit but stopped. I just want to feel chosen. So yes I do push towards her as my love language is more touch. But she pulls away because she says she can’t give me that reassurance yet. So I’m in a cycle of wanting physical closeness while she is trying to wrap her mind around what she did and slowly get back to that place with me.

Has anyone been in this loop? Did you ever get out??? I’m sorry for the long post and I’m new to this Reddit.

Take care all.