Would you consider secretly using an AI dating/companion app while married a form of cheating or a serious boundary violation?
I’m curious how other people, especially married people, would view this because I’m having a hard time figuring out where the reasonable line is with AI.
My wife and I have been dealing with an issue involving an AI dating/companion app. This isn’t just ChatGPT or writing a fictional romance story. The app has male AI characters who interact directly with the user in second person, and the conversations can become romantic and sexual.
I discovered my wife had been using one privately. She had also purchased an “MVP” membership. I didn’t know she had the app or that she had paid for a membership until I happened to see it.
I later became aware that some of her interactions were romantic and sexually explicit. There were specific sexual things being said back and forth, and the AI characters also sent her pictures.
We finally had a long conversation about it.
I asked her directly: What is the fantasy? What are you getting from these guys? Is it the newness? The attention? Having someone completely focused on you? Is there something you’re getting there that you’re not getting from me?
Her answer is basically that there is no personal or sexual fantasy involving these characters.
She says she views them as AI and the whole thing as interactive entertainment. She enjoys seeing how the characters develop and how the AI responds. She says the interesting part is watching the characters overcome whatever obstacle exists and eventually “allow themselves to love” or get together.
She says the sexual scenes are usually just the “climax” of that story progression.
I also asked why some of her responses were so sexually specific. She said that if she doesn’t give the AI specifics, it generates basically the same generic sexual scene over and over, so adding details makes the interaction/story less repetitive.
She says their looks aren’t important to her, she’s not comparing them to me, and she’s not thinking, “This AI guy has something my husband doesn’t.”
I directly asked whether she ever thinks about these characters when we’re having sex. She strongly said no.
I asked whether she thinks about them when she’s alone sexually. Again, no.
She has also acknowledged that she was dismissive of my concerns because she personally didn’t think this was something I needed to worry about. She apologized and said she would stop using the app because it bothers me.
Here’s where I’m stuck:
I can understand intellectually how someone could treat an AI character as fictional entertainment. I don’t believe interacting with an AI is automatically the same thing as having an affair with an actual person.
But I also have trouble accepting that personally participating in romantic and explicit sexual interactions with an AI “dating” character is exactly the same as simply reading a book or writing a fictional story, especially when your spouse doesn’t know you’re doing it.
There’s also a relationship issue for me because I’ve tried to share fantasies and explore things with my wife. So it hurts that interacting sexually with these characters seemed to happen voluntarily, while I’ve sometimes felt like I’ve had to work to get that kind of exploration or enthusiasm within our marriage.
At the same time, I don’t want to turn this into “my wife must secretly want these AI men” when she’s repeatedly telling me that’s not how she experiences it.
So I’m genuinely interested in other people’s perspectives.
Where would you draw the line?
Is this basically interactive fiction/porn and the real problem is that it was hidden?
Would the romantic interaction bother you more than ordinary porn?
Would the sexual conversations bother you even though there’s no real person on the other end?
Does paying for a membership change anything?
And if your spouse gave you the explanation mine gave me, would you consider that a reasonable explanation, or would you still feel like something wasn’t adding up?
I’m not looking for “divorce her” or “you’re insecure” drive-by answers. I’m genuinely interested in how other people define boundaries around this because AI creates a situation that didn’t really exist in this form until recently.