u/ThrowRATricky-Int

I didn’t realize until years into our relationship that she had a pattern of obsessing over other guys and trying to get their attention. It’s happened enough over the years that it has seriously affected how much I trust her.
At one point I finally told her I was exhausted and didn’t want to be with someone who constantly needed attention from other men. Things seemed to stop for a while.
Then about 3 months ago, something started feeling off again.
A guy popped up on my Instagram under “people you may know” because they were mutuals. I clicked his profile out of curiosity and noticed my wife had been liking a bunch of his boxing videos. Normally I wouldn’t think much of someone liking posts, except she doesn’t even like boxing, and because of our history it immediately caught my attention.
When I confronted her, she got really defensive and said he was an old friend. The problem is she has used the “he’s just an old friend” explanation before, and I later found out the guy wasn’t actually just a friend—he was someone she had been interested in.
She eventually told me she blocked this guy.
Recently she started acting distant and weird again. I kept telling myself I was probably overthinking it because I don’t want to assume the worst every time something feels off.
Then she happened to be sitting beside me while she was on Threads. She went to the search bar, and his username showed up in her recent searches.
So even after telling me she blocked him, she’s apparently still looking him up.
There are some other things bothering me too. She knows I have Threads but doesn’t follow me there. She also used to have a ring in her bio that made it obvious she was married, and recently removed it. By themselves, I know those things could mean absolutely nothing. Combined with everything else, though, they’re getting harder for me to ignore.
Part of me wants to message the guy and simply ask if they were actually ever friends. Not to start drama or threaten him. I just want to know whether she lied to me about that because at this point I don’t know what information from her I can trust.
The other part of me thinks I shouldn’t have to investigate my own marriage like this. If I have to contact another man to figure out whether my wife is telling me the truth, maybe the trust is already too damaged.
What makes this harder is that I’m exhausted. I do most of the stuff around the house and genuinely try to make her happy, but I constantly feel like whatever I give isn’t enough and she still needs attention somewhere else.
I also feel almost indifferent at this point. Part of me wants to say screw it, I’m done. But then I wonder: what if absolutely nothing happened between them? What if I end a 9-year relationship because her past behavior has made me suspicious of something that wasn’t actually happening?
I’m not looking to be called childish or told that liking someone’s posts automatically means she’s cheating. I’m trying to figure out whether the **pattern** is the red flag here.
If your spouse had a history of seeking attention from other people, told you they blocked someone after you expressed concern, and then you found out they were still repeatedly searching for that person, would you consider that a legitimate trust issue?
Am I seeing genuine red flags and asking reasonable questions, or am I so used to this happening that I’m trying to protect myself from getting blindsided again?

Over the years, there have been multiple times where she’s entertained guys on Instagram. By “entertained,” I mean she’d message them regularly, give them a lot of attention, and tell me they were “just old friends.” I never saw any proof they were actually old friends. One of them was someone she’d matched with on Tinder before we got together. According to her, they never met in person.
I used to trust her 100%. I wasn’t the type to check her phone or social media. The first time I ever did it was because I had a gut feeling that something was off, and unfortunately, I found exactly what I was worried about.
Recently, I started getting that same feeling again. I noticed on social media that she seemed to be giving one particular guy a lot of attention. I know what I did next wasn’t right, and I’m not proud of it, but I wanted to see if I was imagining things or if she was actually fixated on this guy.
I removed him from her Instagram.
She noticed almost immediately.
After that, she changed the passcode to everything, deleted Instagram off her iPad, and even disabled message notifications on her Apple Watch. When I asked how she noticed so quickly if he wasn’t a big deal, she said she realized because he stopped viewing her Instagram stories.
That answer confused me. I asked, “How would you even know he stopped looking unless you were paying close attention?” She also said he hadn’t liked her stories, but when I checked before everything got locked down, I noticed the message history with him had been deleted.
I fully admit deleting him from her account was wrong. I’m not trying to justify that. But after years of similar situations, I wanted to know whether my gut was actually picking up on something or if I was just becoming paranoid.
I’m also not really looking for “just leave.” I know that’s the obvious Reddit answer, and I’ve already told her this is the last chance I’m willing to give.
My question is this:
Does her reaction seem odd to you? Specifically noticing one person’s absence almost immediately, locking everything down afterward, deleting Instagram from one device, turning off Apple Watch messages, and changing every passcode. Does that seem like someone protecting their privacy after I crossed a line, or someone trying to hide something?
I’m genuinely looking for objective opinions because after 7 years, I don’t know if I’m seeing things clearly anymore.