r/askapastor

I’m a co-pastor of a new church plant and have been in other planting teams. I’ve noticed that there’s usually two primary roles of pastors:

1. Teaching-only pastors
2. 1:1 counselor/coaching pastors

But there’s also those that do both — just not to the same degree. So which do you do more of? And what’s easiest or most fulfilling for you?

Hello pastors,

For context, I serve in the chuch as an elder.

I was just wondering your thoughts on a situation that happened in my church somewhat recently. We hosted a candidate weekend for a potential pastor, and overall, everything went great. I personally felt a great connection between myself and the pastoral candidate and my wife had a great connection with his wife.

We had a Q and A session which raised a few concerns for me but we were able to have a one on one conversation on this matters which provided some clarity.

However, the issue comes from the vote that was held after the candidate preached and left the church. The vote was held via ballots to keep it anonymous. When voting, I felt very uneasy and could not bring myself to vote yes. I felt God was telling me to say no. My wife also wanted to vote yes but she felt God told her to vote no. We were the only members that voted no for the candidate. My wife and I weren't sitting next to each other and were not influenced by each others decision to say no.

My question is...why did we both feel God told us to say no and the outcome was a unanimous yes besides us? What does this mean for me being elder in this situation?

I can give more details on the situation if needed in a DM. Trying to make this as anonymous as possible which is somewhat hard to do. I'd love some thoughts on the situation.

I’m looking for some biblical and married-Christian perspective because I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is.
My husband’s dad is a pastor and owns a church. For whatever reason, my husband never really wanted to attend his parents’ church. When we got married, we prayed together and searched for a church that we both felt led to, and we eventually found one that we’ve been attending for about two years.
This church has honestly been such a blessing to us. It’s very Spirit-filled, and we’ve both grown so much spiritually. There are amazing men and women of God there, and I genuinely love the leadership and the church community. My husband also started playing the drums there, and I was ushering, so we were both actively serving.
Recently, my husband suddenly decided that he wants to start attending his parents’ church because he feels that he needs to honor his parents. I understand the importance of honoring your parents, and I love and respect my in-laws. They have been great to me, so this is not coming from a place of disrespect toward them or their church.
But honestly, I feel crushed by the decision.
When I attend my in-laws’ church, I personally don’t feel the same spiritual connection that I feel at the church we’ve been attending. I don’t want to be rebellious or disrespect my husband’s leadership, but I also don’t want to ignore what I feel God has been doing in me through our current church.
My husband told me that if I decide to stay at our current church, I would have to find my own transportation there. He said he doesn’t care whether I attend his parents’ church or our current church, but at the same time, I feel like as a wife I should be following my husband’s lead, and I don’t want us to be divided spiritually or feel like our home isn’t in order.
So I’m really torn.
**Would you say that as a wife I should simply follow my husband’s decision and attend his parents’ church with him, even if I don’t feel spiritually connected there? Or is it okay for me to continue attending the church where I’ve been growing spiritually, while still respecting my husband and supporting him?**
I’m not looking for people to bash my husband or my in-laws. I’m genuinely asking other married Christians: **How would you handle this biblically and practically?** And if you’ve been through something similar, what did you do?

Here's a question I'm personally trying to sort through. I've been fortunate to have a career which has paid me well -- with a big jump over the last 7-8 years. In addition, we live a fairly simple life -- far under our means. High income and low expenses have combined to put us in a position where now, at age 49, we have far exceeded every financial goal we set, and I'm strongly considering walking away from the corporate world at the end of this calendar year.

What I'm struggling with is my responsibility to give. On one hand, if I worked another few years, that money could be completely given to charity. If I gave away $200k per year, that would be worth significantly more than the value that my occasional volunteer hours would be worth. So should I continue to work -- earning money to give it away (i.e. the "earn to give philosophy")?

However, on the other hand, I'm burned out. After 30 years in the software industry, I'm ready to be done. I want to spend time with my aging parents (especially my dad who is fading quickly), maximize the years remaining with my children while they are still under our roof, and do lots of things just for me (classes, exercise, travel, etc.)

So the question is how to find the balance between our responsibility to give to those less fortunate, and the desire to focus on our own lives and our own happiness. I believe part of happiness is selflessness -- but I'm also very ready (both mentally and financially) to turn the page.

Paul's letter to Timothy gives some advice here: 1 Timothy 6:

^(17) Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. ^(18) Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. ^(19) In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

What are your thoughts?

1. How do you pray for someone and remove your own wants from the equation? How do you pray for God's will and truly want it, and set aside your own wants?

2. How do you repent and seek forgiveness on something you're not sorry for?

If it's helpful, I'm Seventh-Day Adventist.

What does God say about divorcing someone who is emotionally abusive and does not believe

I’ve been dealing with intrusive, depressive thoughts for 20–25 years. The Lord faithfully delivered me from drug addiction about 20 years ago, and overall, my mental health has improved significantly since then. I’m happily married, have four kids, and served in ministry for about 13 years.

Most of the time, I am doing well. However, I keep hitting the same wall: I fall into a familiar trap of intrusive thoughts about myself and my life, which slides into deep self-loathing. It almost functions as a warped defense mechanism or false comfort.

When this happens, a heavy depressive spirit seems to rest on me, and I struggle intensely for days. The pattern only breaks when I pray with someone else to renounce and break that heavy spirit.

God has brought me through so much, but I haven't been able to fully break this specific cycle. How do I retrain my mind and break this habit of retreating into self-loathing before it opens the door to this oppression? Has anyone with a similar background found lasting freedom here?

Ok ladies and gentlemen, I have a question for you about helping people.

I have a person who I was friends with when I worked in a secular job before I got I to my calling. They went to the same church as I did and I talked with them quite often about life and faith. I haven’t seen this person in several years since we have moved out of county and now are across the state.

Starting about April of last year, his spouse started asking if I could help provide supper for her family. Out of compassion I ordered some pizza for them online and told her where she could get them. Then two months later she again messaged about an electric bill. Then more pizza and bills. I kept telling them it was taken care of and no need to repay.

Today really got to me. She messaged me and said the lady who she’s working for was having trouble paying her water bill and could I pay it. I politely said no. She said she would let her know. I have helped so many times and it seems like this has happened at several churches I have been at. Where is the “line in the sand”when it comes to giving to help others?

Being filled with the Spirit

I have a question.
I was asked what being filled with the spirit means since every believer is sealed with the Holy Spirit and some people were confused about what Paul was saying in Ephesians 5 and Colossians two. As we were going through it, we rightly understood that being filled with the spirit is Paul’s admonition towards believers that we ought to be under the dominating power and control of the Holy Spirit continuously in our lives and that that is not a command to be sealed with the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit is given to those who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sins.

As we were going through that somebody had a different understanding of being filled with the spirit according to ask chapter 2, chapter 8, chapter 10, and chapter 19. As I was reading them, I noticed something that others might’ve noticed and that’s that the book of acts doesn’t read like Romans or Ephesians or any of the pistols of Paul James, or the other apostles and it reads more like a historical narrative. Then when I go reading about how there was a delay when the Holy Spirit would fall on them and I began to wonder why is it that Paul even in acts and in the rest of his pistols claims that once you believe in the Holy Spirit that you were sealed with the Holy Spirit immediately upon belief in the Lord Jesus Christ, but in acts, there’s a delay for some reason.

I’m looking to see if anybody else picked this up but from what I’m understanding, the book of act is not to be read as a systematic theology like we see in Romans or in Ephesians or in Galatians, for example but it’s to be red as a historical narrative, where in the church, the apostles and God working through, both are legitimized before the Jews, in the instances where the Holy Spirit is delayed in being given to those who are baptized in the name of Jesus or being given to those who believe in him for the remission of sins. For example in chapter 8 of acts that pertain to the inclusion of the Samaritans those of which were enemies to the Jews, and in chapter 10 the same thing occurred before the presence of the Jews with the Gentiles, which would confirm that they two also share in the promises of God and the legitimacy of their conversion and finally, and chapter 19 with the apostles of John the Baptist, who were also filled with the Holy Spirit before the Jews again proving all three times to the Jews that God is now working through the church and that the apostles are legitimized before them. Pentecostal will use the extraordinary and very different ways.

The church first started to say that all who believe in Jesus must speak in tongues and if they do not, they are not true converts. But I think that they only believe in that error because they’re reading the book of acts like a systematic theology and not like a historical narrative, legitimizing the church and legitimizing the apostles. Then I went down a rabbit hole in Deuteronomy chapter 28 verse 49 and the reason why the Jews would believe that this church was legitimate through the speaking in tongues, either intelligible language or glossolia, was because in Deuteronomy chapter 28 verse 49 God is speaking of a time that will come when the Assyrians would enslave the Jews and they would not understand their language and so any Jew worth their salt at the time when the book of acts was being done before the people, they would hear those tongues and be reminded of what it says in Deuteronomy chapter 28 verse 49 essentially affirming the church before their eyes, and for telling upcoming judgment that would fall upon the nation of Israel, so that they would repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.

What is your take on this matter because I don’t know if that’s accurate?

Help! I (35F) have a big crush on my (single, similar age) pastor. While he is very handsome, the crush is based on deeper traits. We have had a lot of good and connected conversations, and I think it is possible there is mutual attraction.

I was trying to work up the nerve to ask him on a coffee date, but then I did some research and learned that there’s a very clear, strict policy in the church prohibiting sexual relationships with parishioners.

To be clear, I wasn’t trying to start something sexual — I just wanted to know if he would be open to getting to know each other better over coffee! But the policy makes even that seem really taboo.

I completely understand that these policies exist to prevent abuse. I also don’t feel that I’m particularly vulnerable, and the relationship feels like one of equals. I don’t often meet someone I connect with this well.

I know that this does come up, and have read that the pastor can navigate it by being really transparent with church leadership, asking permission, seeking guidance, and doing lots of discernment work. Meanwhile my understanding is that the parishioner has to attend a different church and receive pastoral care from someone else. So it seems technically possible to do, just really complicated and a lot of people advise against it?

But I don’t want to be inappropriate or make him uncomfortable.

Here are the options I am considering. Please tell me what you think I should do!

- Try to sublimate my feelings and stifle the crush, but enjoy the pastoral relationship. Potentially pine for a long time. When he eventually gets together with someone else, wail and gnash teeth.

- Ask him to coffee or lunch and let him decide if that’s something he’s willing to do. If things develop, leave the congregation while dating and join a different church.

- Do nothing. Just keep sitting in limbo, pray, and hope something becomes clearer.

- Tell him that I am wrestling with romantic feelings and that I’m aware it is problematic but don’t know what to do.

- Something else??

I’m of the world more than I am in Christ and I have no problem with it or living in the flesh and the moment and having a hardwired heart I have no issue , how do I care again

Maybe it’s religious trauma, but as a gay person growing up in the south, I would have been very grateful if offered a lifeline at one point in my life. Religion can mask many different forms of abuse or oppression.

I am sorry if this post comes across as weird, but this doubt is driving me crazy and I need some advice :(

For the longest time I have been struggling with pelvic issues and erectile issues.
Around two weeks ago, I made a vow to God that I would quit smoking once and for all, and to please heal my pelvic and erectile issues.

On day 9 of quitting I was going crazy but I stayed strong. Believe it or not I actually started to heal. No more pain, no more urinary urgency, and healthy erections.

On day 12 of quitting, After a huge fight with someone I love, while sobbing from the hurt, I asked God to forgive me but that I needed a cigarette to feel better.

I fought myself and almost just went back home, but in the end I bought a packet, I lit a cigarette, and after the second puff, I decided it was not worth breaking the vow. Even with my brain screaming for that nicotine relief, I threw away everything, and I went back home. I was completely devastated, I cried for hours between the guilt for having broken the vow and the hurt from the argument. I begged God to forgive me and not to take away my healing.

Here we are, where my erectile issues are back, and I feel like crap about breaking a vow that I made to God.

I am trying to understand if I am being punished, or if it’s all in my head, because God is Love and forgave me.

Just a 20 m guy. Any real pastor or youth pastor I can ask a question to?

Hi all, I built a Bible app called Shade & Shelter, and I'd genuinely value feedback from people who actually pastor a church, since I don't. Not selling anything here, just trying to figure out if what I'm building is actually useful before I go much further. Here's what it does:

• Three translations — KJV, Berean Standard, and ASV — with a compare view that shows you word-for-word where two of them differ on a given verse
• A plain-language "ask a question" search that finds passages by meaning rather than exact words. The idea is that somebody with no internet at all can ask a question and get the verses you, the pastor, would point them to in a time of need. When the question is a heavy one — grief, addiction, abuse, wanting to hurt themselves — the app doesn't trust the search with it; it shows curated verses I chose deliberately, and hotline numbers where they're warranted
• A parallel Gospel reader — 60 events laid out in order with Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John stacked side by side, so you can see at a glance which accounts cover what and where they differ
• Cross-references and study notes on every verse
• Historical background for every chapter — who wrote it, when, and roughly when the events themselves happened
• A character index — pick a figure and see every verse they appear in, including under all their other names

And the part I've put the most work into, which is everything around marking up your own Bible:

• Highlighting and bookmarks. Five highlight colors, and you can name them — so yellow means "promises" and blue means "for Sunday," whatever system you already keep in the margins. Then you can filter your whole Bible down to just one color
• Notes on any verse, kept alongside the highlights and searchable
• Sermon notes — write the sermon, link every passage you're preaching from, and export the whole thing as a PDF
• Notes that find you. Open a chapter and the app will tell you which of your own sermon notes touch it. Fifteen years of preaching becomes something you can actually pull from instead of a folder you'd have to remember to go looking in
• Search across everything you've written, by keyword or by meaning — so "the one where I talked about the prodigal's brother" finds it even if you never wrote that word
• Export it all as a PDF. Just your highlights and notes, or a single book, or the entire Bible with every highlight and note printed inline where it belongs. Your marked-up Bible, on paper, that you actually own

Plus the usual — reading plans, a prayer journal, a verse of the day, and read-aloud audio for the whole Bible.

All of it works with no signal and no account. Everything lives on the phone, and it never sends anything anywhere.

Where I'm taking it next is the part I'm posting here about specifically, because it's built around a church rather than a reader.

The idea is that a church gets its own space in the app. You hand out a code — in the bulletin, in a text, from the pulpit — people enter it once, and from then on you can put things directly in their hands. The week's reading. The passage for Sunday. An announcement about the workday or the funeral or the potluck, arriving as a notification instead of an email nobody opens.

It wouldn't have to be the whole congregation every time. The youth group, the women's Bible study, the men's group, the deacons, a small group walking through something hard together — each can be its own space inside the church, with its own leader posting to it and its own study going, separate from whatever the congregation is on Sunday morning. So the woman leading the Tuesday study can run her own thing without needing to come through you every week, and nobody gets notified about a meeting they were never part of. Same for a church with more than one campus — each campus its own space under the same roof, with its own pastor posting to it.

You'd be able to hand off pieces of it, too. Somebody on staff or a trusted volunteer can post announcements and look after the day-to-day without having the keys to everything.

Then there's the Sunday side of it, which is the piece I'm most interested in hearing your reaction to. Two parts:

One is the verses on the screen. Right now those live for 10 or 30 seconds and then they're gone unless somebody's fast with their thumbs. If the same passage lands in everyone's app as you preach it, the screen keeps doing what it does, and people still have it Tuesday morning — in their own Bible, where they can highlight it and write on it. A complement to the screen more than a replacement, though I suspect it'd quietly take over some of the work.

The other is the sermon itself. You'd post the passages you preached from, and the congregation could walk back through Sunday on their own time, at their own pace, with the text right there and room to add their own notes underneath. Your notes could go with it too — either the whole outline attached to the sermon, or a single thought attached to a single verse, the way you'd write in a margin. Entirely up to you, one note at a time, nothing shared unless you choose to share it. The people who want to go deeper get to, and nobody who doesn't is bothered by it.

The whole thing stays one-way, on purpose. You post, the congregation reads. There's no group chat to moderate and no comment section to referee — I've watched enough church Facebook pages to know that's a job nobody signed up for.

And it won't be iPhone-only. It'll run on Android, and on Windows and Mac too, so the congregation isn't split by what phone they carry and you're not stuck writing a sermon on a screen the size of your hand.

So my question is really just: does any of that sound like something you'd use, and what am I missing? Is there something obvious I haven't thought of that would matter more than any of it?

No rush, and no wrong answer — "I wouldn't use this" is as useful to me as "I would." Happy to answer anything in the comments/replies rather than DMs, in case the discussion is useful to others in the group too.

My wife has a habit of when she gets mad she will lie to me about what I have said and done. And the more I rely on the truth the worse her lies become. She will attack my character and morals but base her attacks on lies. I continuously forgive without her seeking it and do everything I can to preserve the marriage. But it is taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and now physically. She chose, against my wishes, to move out a few months ago. But we have been working the marriage. But the same thing keeps happening. We've had a really good few weeks, but that came crashing down over the silliest of misunderstandings, and rather than just accepting we misunderstood each other she went off on a tangent attacking me with lies about what I had said and done. Even though most of it was recorded in text messages. How do I deal with this as a Christian?

Edit: I really want to know how I live with it and show love through it. I am not looking to end my marriage. But I can't let it continue to tear me apart inside. How do I keep that from happening. I do not want to become who she makes me out to be when we argue. When we are getting along she makes me out to be a good man. When she is mad she makes me out to be some kind of horrible monster. It's like living with Jeckyl and Hyde

I’m 25F and grew up in a very conservative Christian/Baptist family. My father is deeply religious and is also a deacon in our church, so Christianity is a huge part of our family.
I’ve always believed in Christ and considered myself Christian. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started questioning some of the things I grew up believing. I’ve seen toxic behavior and culture within churches, and it has made me wonder which beliefs are genuinely mine and which ones I follow because I was raised that way.
My boyfriend is Buddhist.
He is genuinely a good man. He treats me well, he’s intelligent, logical and respectful, and we have a strong bond. I love him very much.
He was originally open to learning about Christianity. He has even told me that he wishes he could have the kind of genuine faith experience Christians describe.
Things became complicated once my family became involved.
My father once invited my boyfriend to have coffee with a pastor and another Christian. My boyfriend barely understood Christianity at the time, and during the meeting they started sharing their testimonies about how they were saved.
My boyfriend felt cornered and pressured.
More recently, I explained to him that my father believes Christians should only marry Christians because of the biblical teaching about being “unequally yoked.”
My boyfriend told me that he cannot simply become Christian to make my family happy. He is Buddhist, and converting without genuinely believing Christianity would feel like betraying his own beliefs.
Honestly, I respect him for that. I don’t want him pretending to be Christian just so we can stay together or so my father will accept him.
He has also told me that he can feel that my father doesn’t want him to be with me. Because of that, he has become uncomfortable accepting invitations to family gatherings.
I understand him.
I think he feels like he isn’t actually being welcomed as himself because there’s an underlying expectation that eventually he needs to change.
At the same time, I understand that my father genuinely believes he is following the Bible and trying to protect me spiritually.
And that leaves me stuck in the middle.
I feel incredibly guilty watching my boyfriend become stressed because of my family. Sometimes I think I should break up with him just so he can have his freedom back and doesn’t have to deal with any of this anymore.
But he has never told me he wants to break up.
He’s still good to me. We still love each other. We still bond. He is still choosing to be with me.
I’m the one who keeps becoming afraid that one day the pressure will become too much for him.
I’m also terrified that eventually my father will sit me down, quote Scripture and tell me directly that we shouldn’t be together.
Sometimes I imagine eventually breaking under the pressure and saying, “Fine, I’ll break up with him.”
But then I imagine him eventually marrying somebody else while I stay single for the rest of my life.
I know I’m only 25 and people will probably tell me that I could meet someone else. Logically I understand that.
But I don’t want “another Christian man.”
I love \*\*this man\*\*.
And if I gave him up primarily to make my father happy, I’m scared I would spend the rest of my life wondering whether I sacrificed my own happiness for somebody else’s beliefs.
At the same time, I’m questioning my own faith.
I still believe in Christ. I’m not trying to rebel against Christianity. But for the first time as an adult, I’m asking myself whether \*\*I personally believe\*\* that a Christian absolutely cannot marry someone of another faith, or whether I believe that because my father and church taught it to me.
I also feel pressure because my father is a deacon. Part of me worries that if people at church knew his daughter was seriously dating a Buddhist man, they might judge him or it could affect how people see him.
Honestly, I feel trapped.
What I actually want sounds incredibly simple: I wish everyone could accept each other as they are.
I wish my father could remain deeply Christian while accepting my boyfriend without needing him to convert.
I wish my boyfriend could explore Christianity if he genuinely wants to without feeling like conversion is a requirement for being accepted.
I wish I could figure out what \*\*I\*\* believe about Christianity as an adult.
And I wish I could love my family and my boyfriend without feeling like eventually somebody is going to make me choose.
I’m exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, and I’m looking into therapy because I realize I need help sorting through all of this.
Has anyone here been in a serious interfaith relationship with very religious parents?

\*\*Did your family eventually accept your partner? How did you establish boundaries without completely destroying your relationship with your parents?\*\*

And for Christians who have dealt with this: \*\*how did you personally work through the “unequally yoked” teaching and decide what\*\* \*\*\*you\*\*\* \*\*believed rather than simply following what your parents or church told you?\*\*

I’d also really appreciate hearing from people who were the Buddhist/non-Christian partner. What did you need from your Christian partner when their family didn’t approve?
I’m not really looking for “just break up” or “just cut off your family.” I’m trying to understand how people have navigated loving their partner, loving their family, and figuring out their own beliefs at the same time.

I’m trying to understand a church structure that I’m not familiar with, and I’d appreciate hearing from pastors or people who grew up in similar churches.

I knew someone whose family started their own church. His father is the pastor, and he says he is next in line to become the pastor. His brother is recognized as a prophet, and from what I observed, the family seems to consult the brother for major life decisions because they believe he receives direct guidance from God.

This made me wonder:
Is it common in these churches for the pastor to seek guidance through the prophet rather than praying and discerning God’s direction independently?

Is a pastor expected to accept a prophet’s words without questioning them, or is it acceptable to test or challenge prophetic messages?

If a prophet says, “God told me…” does the pastor have room to disagree, or would that be seen as disobeying God?

Are there biblical safeguards to prevent a prophet from having too much influence within a family or church?

In churches where leadership stays within one family, how are disagreements between a pastor and a prophet usually handled?

One thing that also surprised me was that this person said God had already revealed that one of his future children would become a pastor and another would become a prophet. Is this a common belief in some Pentecostal or charismatic churches, or is that unusual even within those traditions?

There is also a question I have about marriage in this kind of church setting. The pastor said that God would personally instruct him about what he should do, even if he and his future spouse had already made different plans together.

I’m trying to understand how this is viewed in Christian marriage:

In a marriage, if one spouse believes God has instructed them to do something that goes against a decision they previously made together, how is that usually handled?
Is one spouse expected to follow what the other believes is a word from God, or should major decisions always be discussed and agreed upon together?

How do churches that emphasize prophecy balance personal revelation with mutual submission, communication, and the equal value of both spouses?

Are there biblical teachings about testing personal revelations before making major life decisions, especially decisions that affect a spouse and family?

I’m genuinely trying to understand how these churches operate and what the biblical basis is for these practices. I’d especially appreciate responses from pastors, elders, or people who have firsthand experience in churches where prophetic ministry plays a major role.