r/christiandatingadvice

VERY Long Post Alert. TIA to everyone who reads this and replies!

I am a 28 year old black woman and I live at home. My boyfriend is a 30 year old white man (Unfortunately this matters 🤦🏽‍♀️). We have been dating since September 2025, and I am in desperate need of advice from fellow Christians. I want to honor God in my relationship with my boyfriend and my family.

For story context: -Boyfriend: John -Boyfriend’s ex: Molly -My mother: 56 year old black woman -My father: 65 year old black man -My brother: 26 year old black man

2021-2022 School year: John and Molly are dating, and they are both educators at the same school. My mother is their principal for this school year only. John and Molly get engaged during Christmas break.

December 2022: John and Molly break up (unbeknownst to my mother because she no longer works at their school).

August 2025: John begins working at my school (I am also an educator). He asks me if my mom and I are related, says he loved her as his principal years ago, and then he asks me to tell her hello. I tell her, and she asks “Did he get married?”. Of course I have no idea because I just met him. She then proceeds to tell me to watch what I say around him because he gossips and likes to stir the pot. About a week later, John expressed that he would like to get to know me better (that answers the question about being married). John caught my eye on day one, so I was interested. However, I turned him down for two reasons. 1) My mom was actively trying to set me up with someone else, and I was open to it. 2) My mom said that John was troublemaker and gossiper. Reason #1 is what I told John when I turned him down. He was very respectful despite being rejected. Since we were hallway neighbors, we saw each other frequently throughout the day and would have conversation.

Early September 2025: The man my mom tried to set me up with was not interested, so nothing came about with that. Hallway conversations with John continued and flowed so easily. He eventually questioned if I was seeing the man that I turned him down for, and I told him that I was not. He told me that he was still interested in getting to know me, and I told him that I would love to get to know him too.

Late September 2025: John and I have our first date. He picks me up (remember, I live at home) and we go to his nephew’s peewee football games. After that, we went to eat and then took a walk in the park. While at the park, we discussed many things, God being one of them. Our date lasted from 11-7 and went amazingly until my parents ruined it. Although I am 28 years old, I cannot leave the house without telling my parents where I am going and who I am going with. When John picked me up, my parents were still in bed, so I left without saying anything to them. During the football games my mom texted me to ask where I was, and I told her. She then asked who I was with, and I told her I was with John. She texted me back and said that she was disappointed in me and that John is the devil in disguise. I later found out that she expected me to cut the date short and come home. I did not do that. At the end of the date she told my dad that I was out with John.

1st Date Aftermath: As John was driving me home, my texted me a string of prejudiced and hateful texts, and he threatened to confront John in our driveway( I will include screenshots if possible). John had not done anything to deserve that, so I texted my friend, Ann and told her to pick me up at Walmart. I then told John to drop me off a Walmart because Annwanted me to shop her. I felt terrible for lying to him, but I was too embarrassed to tell him what was actually going on. When Ann picked me up, I told her what happened. When we got to my driveway, my dad started yelling at me right in front of Ann. I went inside were I got yelled at for another hour. During this time, my other friend Sarah, was informed of the situation. She called me but I couldn’t answer because I was being yelled at. In fear of my safety, Sarah drove to my house to pick me up. When I got in the car with her, she tried to book a hotel room for me but I stopped her for fear that things may get worse if I didn’t go back home. So instead we went to Waffle House and Ann met us there to talk. Because of how emotional I was feeling, I didn’t want to go inside. So we sat in Sarah’s car. While I’m at Waffle House with my friends, my dad is at home raging about me going on a date with a white man, which gets the attention of my brother. My brother is mentally ill and lacks the ability to regulate his anger. He is also very prejudiced against white people. As Sarah is driving me back home from Waffle House, my brother calls me and angrily asks me where I am. I told him that I went to Waffle House. He then asks “what is this that mom and dad are saying about a white man?” and I refuse to answer him and hung up. He immediately called me back and I ignored him. As Sarah and I get into my neighborhood, my brother speeds past us, on his way to Waffle House because my dad told him that I was there with a white man. When I walk inside my house, my dad proceeds to yell and scream at me more. As this is happening, my brother calls my dad to let him know that he made it to Waffle House and I was not there. My brother went inside Waffle House and asked the employees if they had seen me, and they had not (because my friends and I never went inside). My dad then calls me a liar and continues to yell at me. My dad accused me of being sexually active and secretly traveling to Atlanta with John (I went to Atlanta with my cousins for a concert in August 2025). When my brother got home, he said “I’m not going to yell at you like dad is, but just know that if you ever bring a white man home, there will be a fight”. The next day, I told my mom that I am not prejudiced against white people, and that I will not live my live according to their prejudices. Therefore, I would continue seeing John until I saw a valid reason to stop. My mom then said that “a person is not just dating you, they are dating your family too. If your family disapproves of someone, let that person go”. In this conversation, she accused John of being a cheater/womanizer and she questioned why I would ever go out with him when she told me he was a bad person a month ago. She also said that his family was racist and that they would never accept him being with me. I reminded her that the only thing she previously told me was that he gossips. Then I asked her to tell me everything she knows about him, and she refused. She said “I am not about to sit here and try to remember everything about him from 4 years ago when I worked with him. Just take my word that he is no good”. I know mother loves me and wants the best for me, but something inside of me just couldn’t accept what she was saying.

October 2025: I continue to get to know John. I didn’t tell him the full extent of events involving my family, but I did tell him that they don’t trust white people because of their past experiences, and therefore the didn’t approve of me seeing him. To that, John said “Well I look forward to getting know them and showing them that I am a good person”. Again, I cannot leave hom without telling my parents where I am going and who I am going with. So to continue to see John, I began omitting information. For example, if I went to eat with Sarah, Ann, and John, I would only tell my parents that I was eating with Sarah and Ann. I know that omission is lying, and I feel terrible about it, but I also did not know how I could keep John and myself safe while being truthful.

2nd Family Blowup: One Saturday night after I got home from being with John and my friends, my dad checked my text and call logs (I am still on my parent’s AT&T phone plan). He sent me long and threatening text (I will include screenshots if I can). He threated for him and my brother to come to my job to confront John, even if they end up going to jail. He also said threatened to expose me to our extended family. I texted John on Facebook messenger and told him that I was going to bed and would explain what’s going on tomorrow. The next day was Sunday. I drove myself to church (normally I ride with my parents) and I arrived early to talk with the preacher about the situation. There wasn’t enough time before service, so he told me we could talk after church, which we did. I told him everything and showed him my dad’s texts. He said that my parents were 100% wrong and he wanted to speak with them about their behavior (because my parents have been quoting scripture to justify their behavior and condemn mine). The conversation with the preacher lasted 30 minutes and it left me feeling hopeful. When I stepped outside to the empty church parking lot, there was one car left besides mine and the preacher’s….my parents. They stayed there waiting to see how long it would take me to come out. I got in my car, went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and went home. As soon as I stepped inside, I was met with my dad yelling at me. He demanded to know what I was talking to the preacher about for 30 minutes. So once again, I had to omit. I felt like my dad had no right to ask me that, because my talk with the preacher should be confidential. Coupled with the fact that he was very angry and I was scared. I make it to my room and lock my door, but my continues yelling and raging to my mom. My brother comes home from the gym (that’s where he goes every Sunday instead of church) and asks what’s going on. My dad says “Your sister has been lying and sneaking around continuing to see this white boy!” So my dad and brother then begin feeding off of each other and conspiring on what to do to John since I won’t stop dating him. My brother then walked to my door (which was locked) and demanded that I come out and face them. Of course I refused. He then threatened to break down my door if I didn’t come out. Then he walked away to get the master key that unlocks all the doors in the house. I took that opportunity to grab my keys and run for the door. I felt threatened and just wanted to get away. When I reached the garage door, my brother blocked me from opening it. Then I ran to the front door and dad blocked it. So I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there for about 2 hours. While I was in the bathroom, my mom texted me to “Just come to the living to hear what they have to say”. I refused. Once it became clear that I was not coming out, they continued to conspire about how to harm John. They also said they would rather see me be a promiscouos woman than see me date a white man. After they were done raging with each other, my brother came to the bathroom door and told me that I am disgusting and that I am retarded. Then he said that he will do what he can to hurt John. At this point, I am terrified. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I was shaking uncontrollably. When I finally left the bathroom, I was so upset and in tears, but I went to the kitchen and I told my mother that they got what they wanted and that I was no longer going to see John. I should not have done this though because I jumped the gun a little bit. I knew that I would have to tell John what happened and I assumed that when I did, he would be done with me. However, when I did reach out to him later that afternoon, he did not want to end things with me. Again, I did not tell him everything that happened, but I did tell him that threats were being made against him. Although he did not want to stop seeing me, he was confused and hurt that he was hated by people who did not truly know him. John asked me “Why can’t they just get to know me?” He and I cried together. Of course I cried for my pain and he cried for his pain. Even though I told them that I was done with John, and they believed me, I was so scared of the threats that I told John to start parking somewhere else at work.

November 2025- December 2025: so John and I continue seeing each other and to say that our relationship is nontraditional would be an understatement. Again that 28 years old, I cannot leave the house without saying where I’m going and who I’m going with. So whenever I want to see John, I have to try to coordinate with my friends for us to go somewhere or I have to come up with some kind of other excuse of where I’m going. We also don’t get to spend very long periods of time together. Usually at most it’s for about two hours at a time. This alone has taken a huge toll on our relationship because in a way we basically have a virtual relationship on the weekends and a work relationship during the week because we get to see each other at work. And again, I understand that omission is a form of lying, and that has eaten me up because I am not a liar. I do not like lying and I just feel terrible about it. In an effort to hopefully be able to be honest, I told my mom that I was attending the state championship football game with John. She angrily asked me why am I still seeing him. And she also stated that during the year that she worked with him, he was cheating on his girlfriend at the time, Molly, with three other women that were also teachers in the same building. And she stated once again that his family was racist, and that they would not accept me.When she said this, I asked her again to tell me everything that she knew about him. She once again refused to try to remember everything from four years ago. And as I said before, something about what she was accusing him of just did not seem right in my spirit. So in an effort to mitigate things, I decided that I was going to move out. During Christmas break I applied for an apartment and I was approved.

January 2026: My moveout date was scheduled for February 7. In January, I decided to inform my mom that I was moving out. Initially, she said that I’m an adult and I have the right to make a decision that she supports me. I asked her to tell my dad because I did not have the courage to tell him myself. When she did tell him, he of course, took it very badly. And he managed to convince her that I did not need to move out and that this was the wrong decision. So then they both started pressuring me to not move out. They tried to tell me that I’m being influenced to do this and that this is not what I actually want to do, which is not the case. My time at home have been miserable. Every day, I secluded myself in my bedroom, I barely eat, and I’m constantly in a state of hypervigilance. I literally slept with my door, locked every single night since October, I turned off my location sharing, and anytime I go anywhere I’m checking over my shoulder to see if they possibly followed me. So moving out was just for me to have some kind of peace of mind. My mother also took it upon herself to inform my grandmother that I was planning to move out, knowing that my grandmother is the biggest warrior on the planet. My grandmother began calling me, and pressuring me to not move out as well. I was told that I would be lonely, If I moved out that I would not have any support, I would burn through all of my savings that I have worked hard for, and that I would devastatemy family. This caused me to have a lot of inner turmoil because I have always strive to please my parents and make them happy with what I do in my life. The thought of disappointing them in any way crushes me and they know this.

February 2026: So ultimately, despite what I wanted, I decided not to move out. My grandmother called to tell me that she was so proud of my decision, my parents told me that they were proud of my decision, but I always felt that I didn’t make the right decision by staying. My friends, John, and a couple of my cousins that are aware of situation, all felt that I made the wrong choice by staying. My mother promised that if I stayed that as a family, we will work on our relationships and work on creating boundaries, but that has not happened. However, more allegations against John came up. My mother claimed that he and his ex fiancée Molly, lived together and that he cheated on her multiple times. She said that he would do big apology gestures every time he got caught cheating. She even said that he reproposed to her in front of everyone at school. This is in direct contradiction to everything John has told me about his past relationship. He said that Molly was so secretive that she did not want anyone to ever know that they were dating or that they were engaged. So much so that she refused to wear her engagement ring, which caused an argument between them.

March-May 2026: My relationship with John continued as it had been with us seeing each other for short periods of time here and there as we can. With the knowledge that summer break is coming up, he began to question how often he would be able to see me being that we would not be at work every day. The concern was valid, and I was stumped for an answer, but despite this he still has chosen to stay with me, John and I had a trip to New York City plan during the first week of June. When we initially planned this trip back in December, I thought that I would be in my own apartment and that things would be different. In an attempt to still make the trip happen, I begged my mom to sit down with me in the preacher to talk about everything (my preacher said he wanted to talk to my parents back in October but it just had not happened yet). She reluctantly agreed and at the end of May we went over to his house and we had the conversation about my relationship with John and how my parents treatment makes me feel. Although the preacher originally condemned my parents behavior, he did agree with my mother’s sentiment that a good man would not stick around knowing that my family hated him and that our relationship was causing strife in the family. My mom insisted to the preacher that her issue was not with John’s race, but instead with his character. And she said that my dad and brothers issues were with his character as well and also a little bit with his race. I’ve been woke up and I told the preacher that I think it is mostly racial. When we started talking about all of the allegations my mother made about John, I brought up the fact that she said his family was racist and would never accept me. When I said this, she said, “I don’t remember ever saying that. I’ve never met his family so I don’t know if they’re racist or not.” This completely floored me because she told me not once, not twice, but multiple times over the months that his family were racist people and would not accept me. So for her to say now that she does not recall saying that really makes me question the validity of everything else she said. She also made another allegation that I heard for the first time. She said that during a football game back in October, John gave her a death stare.She claims that all of her other allegations against John come directly from his ex fiancée, Molly. My mom says that Molly would come to her office frequently throughout the 21-22 school year and vent to her about the problems that she was having with John. We ended the conversation with the preacher asking us to come back in a few days to continue, which did not happen.

June 2026: As our New York trip date was approaching, my mother was pressuring me to tell my dad about the trip. Her words were, “If you are going to blow up our family just go ahead and do it stop waiting.” I do not have the courage to tell my dad so I didn’t tell him. My mom then threatened that if I didn’t tell him, she would have to tell him herself. So in anticipation of her telling my dad and it going very badly, I packed some of my clothes in my car just in case I would need to make a run for it. My parents were away from home when I did this, but they saw me on camera. Oh, I forgot to mention that we have cameras all around the house, a ring doorbell with a camera, and a garage camera that sends an alert to my dad‘s phone anytime the garage door is opened or closed. So she watched me putting clothes in my car and assumed that I was “running away.” I was actually on my way to my best friends engagement ceremony, but I took that opportunity to put the clothes in my car since my parents were away from home. I was in the ceremony slide did not have my phone on me. My mom began texting and calling me because she thought I was running away. Again, I did not have my phone on me, so I did not answer her. She then panicked and told my dad all about the conversation with the preacher and that I was still seeing John. Thankfully, she did not tell him about the New York City trip. When I finally did check my phone after the ceremony, I saw that she accused me of lying about the ceremony and she was threatening to call the police to find me. I called her back and explained to her that I was not running away, and that I only put the clothes in my car because I anticipated the conversation with my dad that she was pushing for would go badly. When I got home, I called her and I told her that I would not come inside unless she can guarantee that I was not going to be yelled at by my father. I sat in the car for four hours because that’s how long he was inside raging and yelling. During my four hour stay in the car, my brother came out twice to inform me that he would kill John for giving our mom a death stare. Ultimately, I decided to cancel the New York trip for fear of John safety. I told him the reason for canceling the trip was for his safety, however, this was absolutely devastating. He and I both have been looking forward to this trip for six months. This would’ve been his first time on a plane and his first time in New York City. We have tickets to see his favorite team, the Yankees. And he was so excited and looking forward to it and so was I. I was convinced that truly this time he will break up with me because this was all too much. Even though he was very, very upset, he still chose to remain in a relationship with me. Emotionally and mentally I’m at my wits end. So once again, I have applied for an apartment and I have been approved. My move out date is scheduled for July 10. I have not told my parents that I plan to move out, but I know that they are on to me. My mother has access to my bank accounts and I know that she saw the transaction for the apartment application fee. Last week she asked me if I was planning to move out, and I told her that I was considering it. My dad then told me that if I do move out, he would tell all of our extended family that I blew up our household to be with a no good white man. He also said that I would be depressed, poor, and without any family to call for support because I would be cut off completely.

Additional info: I know that my parents love me and want the best for me, but I just have a very hard time believing all of the allegations that my mom is saying against John. When they ask me why I don’t believe what she is saying about him, I say that it’s because I have not seen that type of behavior from him, nor have I experienced anything concerning. And to that my mom always says that I won’t see it because he is good at what he does. She also says that she knows him better than I do, which I have a hard time accepting. I have spent a lot more time with John and my parents realize. Even though we do not get to spend much time with each other in person, we are constantly on the phone and video call with each other. As I mentioned before, all of my free time is spent locked up in my bedroom. And while I’m in my bedroom, I am on the phone/video call with John. They don’t know this because I’ve been using Facebook messenger for the past several months to communicate with John. So every moment that I am not physically with him, I am still talking to him on the phone, not text messaging. So I have learned his habits and behaviors. I know where he is at all times I know who he is with at all times. I know that I care for him deeply and I’m convinced that he cares for me deeply as well. His level of patience is out of this world. I know most men would not stick around and put up with the situation like John has. Again, I know that my mother wants the best for me. So I believe that she believes all of the bad things she is saying about John. However, I believe that she is mistaken. I think that his ex Molly lied to my mother about John. In an effort to get a definitive answer, I reached out to Molly, but she did not want to talk to me. My friend Anne also reached out to Molly, but she ignored her also. Just last week John reached out to Molly and she ignored him as well. I then decided to reach out to the next best sources, John’s mom, Molly’s mom, Molly’s sisters, and coworkers from the 2021-2022 school year. They all denied any wrongdoing on John’s part. I expected that from his mother, of course, but Molly’s family has no reason to lie about his behavior. Molly’s mother and her sister’s all begged her to reconsider when she broke up with John. They all thought she was making the wrong decision and could not understand why she decided to do that. If John cheated on her multiple times, and if she shared this with my mother, I have to believe that she also would’ve shared this information with her mother and sisters as well. So the fact that all of them say that he never cheated on her makes me question the validity of my mother‘s claims. Molly‘s mom actually said that she does not believe Molly said any of that to my mother. She said that she knows that none of those things happened and that she knows her daughter is not a liar and so she does not think my mom and Molli ever spoke about this. The coworkers that I reached out to also informed me that Molly actually did not like my mother along with the majority of the staff that school year. Finally, John’s mom told me that Molly is likely the one that cheated in the relationship, which is the same thing that John told me. John said that he cannot prove that Molly cheated, but he did catch her in the company of an unknown man twice. The first time, he went to her house unannounced and found a guy in the living room with her. She told him that the guy was just a friend of hers, however, they were engaged at this point, and he knew all of her friends. The second time came a few months later when she took a girls trip for her birthday and John was not allowed to join. However, the same guy that was at her house before was allowed to come on the girls trip, but Molly never told John that he was coming. John found out that the guy was there from pictures on Instagram. Molly pushed back their wedding date three times and when she broke up with him, she never gave him a direct answer on why. Molly’s sisters eventually told John that Molly was fearful of marriage and she got cold feet because she was raised in a home where her father was not present.

I want to honor God. I want to resist the devil. This entire situation has me confused. I have prayed to God more than I probably have ever prayed throughout my life. This situation has definitely brought me closer to God and has caused me to spend more time reading the Bible. I would just like the advice of fellow Christians because the last thing I want to do is ruin my family for an agent of the devil. That is what my family claims that John is. Throughout this entire time my family has quoted various scriptures to say that I am making the wrong decision by being with John and that he is the devil. I am not well-versed enough to rebuttal whenever they make these claims unfortunately. I have prayed many times over for a sign that I should not be with him and that my parents are correct. I don’t know what more I can do, but July 10 is approaching quickly, and I would appreciate the prayers of all of you. Thank you for reading.

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