My (28F) ex-boyfriend (29M) said religion wasn't an issue... until it was
We started dating in early June and things moved fast, in a good way. Within the first few weeks we were already talking about kids, marriage, the whole future. The first week we were together, I asked him directly if my not being religious was a non-negotiable for him. He told me it wasn't a problem. We agreed on everything else (politics, wanting children, etc).
Fast forward to today. He broke up with me over text, saying he's had a "conviction in his faith" and that he can't be with someone who doesn't have "a fear and love of God" at the center of her life. He said my worldview (I lean more toward nature/the universe than organized religion) isn't compatible with the family he wants to build.
Some context that's been sitting weird with me:
- He only started actually going back to church last Sunday, and broke up with me the following week.
- I still have a letter he wrote me in late June, saying he wanted to be my "safe home." He wrote that knowing exactly where I stood on religion. (attached below)
- In the entire time we dated, religion came up maybe 3 times, and he never once tried to have a real conversation with me about it, invite me into it, or ask what my spirituality actually looked like. I'd told him before I genuinely enjoy going to church with friends, and learning from it. He never brought it up again after that.
- I also told him I'd be completely open to raising our future kids in church if it mattered to him. I'm not anti-religion or anti-belief at all, I'm just not locked into anything specific myself, as I'm still learning and exploring before "committing my life". That openness didn't seem to register or change anything for him.
- Outside of this, our values lined up on basically everything else — partnership, honesty, family, humor, etc.
- He ended it over text. I wasn't even given the chance for a real conversation. (we talk on facetime everyday)
I keep going back and forth between being angry and just sad. Part of me feels like this was less about religion itself and more about him not being honest with me (or maybe himself) from the start. Another part of me wonders if I'm being unfair, since people are allowed to change their minds about what they need. I just wish this was a discussion.
TL;DR: Boyfriend told me week one that my not being religious wasn't a non-negotiable. Months later, after writing me a letter saying he wanted to be my "safe home" (knowing I wasn't religious), he broke up with me over text saying his faith has to be the center of his life and I'm not compatible with that. He'd only gone back to church the Sunday before. We never actually talked it through, and I'd told him I was open to learning about it and raising future kids in church if that mattered to him.
For those who've dated someone with strong religious convictions, how much should someone's early answers about 'non-negotiables' be trusted if they can change later?
