u/800813S666

Wow.
So I stopped using 5 days ago and it has been decently bearable until today. I could tell some tenderness was brewing under the surface but DAMN.

Today has been really hard. I feel like I’m on fire and like I’m about to lose it at any moment.
I feel like I’m so dissatisfied with how I’ve been living, mainly my job, and weed allowed me to keep these feelings at bay. I’m a therapist and shit is FUCKED right now for everyone and the world at large and I used weed to cope after work and let go of all of the stuff I hold onto throughout the day.
It’s hard to make space for others feelings when I have big ones of my own and so weed was very effective.

I’m grateful for the anger because it means I’m seeing that things need to change and maybe this isn’t the right job for me if i can’t do it sober (to be quite clear, I only used it when I was done seeing clients for the day and on weekends). But that also deeply saddens me and I hope that this feeling will integrate and give way into maybe a less extreme approach.

I want to numb out but this is no longer a sustainable option. It is radical to feel, and it hurts very much.

Sending so much love to you all on this journey

Hi, all. I have been a long time reader of this sub in my many attempts at quitting weed.

Background:
I have been on and off using weed for 20 years. At the heaviest, I was a daily all day user.
I got into a relationship with the love of my life 2 years ago. I was daily using and it was ok at first until I realized it was making me act shady around them because I knew they didn’t like being around it. Their previous partner was a much heavier user than I have ever been, but this was the main reason they broke up and that has always been in the back of my head. (Weed= will be the death of the relationship).
So I stopped for 9 months in the first year of our relationship. I didn’t think about it much, but looking back- it didn’t necessarily make things “better”, just took away the tension around using.

Current:
Been back on for about a year now. Have taken a month or two off in this period, which has unfortunately led me to express resentment toward
Them for “being controlling” even though I have fully been on board and agree that I want to moderate. This has been a topic of many couples therapy sessions, in which we set boundaries around my
Use (some have been: 2 times a week, 3-4 times a week, etc) and I always fail after a time.
I don’t do well under perceived pressure, even if at first I am compliant.

Recently, my partner made it clear they don’t necessarily want me to fully quit but cannot be around it as frequently or maybe not at all.
They have triggers from their childhood, their parent is an alcoholic and the changes in my voice/being make these triggers inevitable.
I feel judged and misunderstood because weed has been a medicine and a friend for me and calms my brain. They are seeing this more and more but the guilt and shame and feelings of being judged keep exploding out of me.

I want this cycle to be over. I want to quit for me and for the relationship.

How can I shift my perspective? Any advice or experiences welcome