Could I be TransMasc/Nonbinary?
Okay hello everyone, sorry in advance for the long post and thank you for reading. So you know that joke that goes something along the lines of “I’m probably nonbinary but I have a job”?
I think that’s me. I’ve been a mentally ill workaholic but I’ve slowed down recently to think about some stuff.
Back story: I’m AFAB. I remember as early as the age of 4, I already had more traditionally masculine interests. I was born in 1997, so I was like 4 or 5 when my dad gave me his original PlayStation in favor of a new PS2. Loved playing fighting games as male characters, and only one female character who depressed like a male (King from King of Fighters). Those are my earliest memories but I stayed like that for the entirety of my childhood. I have a sister who is 3 years younger and we were raised pretty much the same with both parents, but she is extremely feminine. So I know it’s not a difference of how I was raised.
My dad bought me Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 for my 7th birthday. I became so obsessed with his games, making boy skaters in every game that allowed. I remember also being terribly upset when my mom tried to make me wear a dress and earrings. As a teen she would ask the slightly homophobic question’ “do you have something to tell me”. Idk I never understood what she was getting at but I always just considered myself to be like my boy friends as I was one of them. Never wanted girl toys, girl colors, none of that. Could chalk it up to being a tomboy (or having internalized misogyny lol).
Fast forward a little to teen years, started realizing I might be gay around 15/16. Oddly enough, my gender expression had nothing to do with that, it just worked out that I slowly started dressing more masculine on my own turns and eventually realized I was a lesbian (after considering being bi and ace for a while). So most people just considered I was masc presenting to get women, but I would be regardless of sexuality tbh.
Growing up, I used to do some pretty odd things for a girl. Standing in the mirror with my collarbones flexed pretending I was a muscular dude with no chest, daydreaming about a male alter ego, introducing myself as my last name (as it can pass for a cool guy name. Just never felt connected to girlhood.
As an adult, I’ve presented as a stud (masculine presenting Black lesbian) this whole time. Men’s clothing, short hair. I’ve never really fit in though. Most people think of sexy, tall, skinny, super masculine, nonchalant dread heads (no hate to them of course). I’m 5’3, extremely nerdy, neurodivergent, chubby (with an unfortunately voluptuous body), with a soft personality. Not feminine, just soft if that makes sense. Think of a super friendly and nerdy guy if he was a lesbian I guess. By default, I’ve always been insecure over how not super masculine I look and sound compared to the cool studs. My voice isn’t high pitched, but kinda nasally and somewhat deep? Idk
I’ve always been so insecure about my body. Hate having big boobs, hate how soft my face looks, hate how my clothes fit so I buy them bigger. I see people with straight body lines and flat chests all the time, wishing I can be them. I even catch myself looking at how masculine bodies look when sitting down in pants and get said over my large thighs touching each other.
Somehow, I do get mistaken as a cis male sometimes. I get called sir a lot, and it feels energizing like a cool little secret. I’m okay with being called she/her I guess, but it’s more because that’s what I’m used to in my lived experience. I never feel like one of the girls, even if a room full of masculine women. I did meet some trans guys though, but I don’t quite think I’m one of the either? Unless I have internalized transphobia in the sense that it’s good for them but that’s not me kind of mentality. I don’t know! I never considered being nonbinary until now because I thought being referred to as they/them didn’t quite fit me, though it doesn’t bother me coming from strangers trying to be respectful.
I have come to terms that I look in the mirror and wish I had a masculine body. I’ve never liked looking at myself ever. Straight body, no chest, chiseled face. It’s got me curious about top surgery and testosterone. Truthfully, I would fine with a deeper voice, bottom growth, hair (I can shave if I don’t like it), fat redistribution. My only hang up would be not going bald (cuz I’m already not that cute lol).
I would love to be slightly muscular (I know I would have to hit the gym), and be coded as a masculine looking person. But do I want to be a man completely? If I was born a cis male, I don’t think I’d be feeling this way though (but that’s also hard to compare with lives experience I think). Am I just too scared to be FTM? Or am I in the middle? Idk.I don’t have any hang ups about being short and masculine, and I’m okay with my bottom genitalia. Just not my chest and how soft my body is.
I also live in the rural south. I used to fantasize about presenting completely as a guy and living in another city for a week just to see how it is. I don’t know if I would fit in with trans guys, I already don’t fit in with cis masc women. The dysphoria experiences I read about don’t make me feel like I experience enough to be FTM, but I feel “othered” with women. I do feel quite upset if anything makes me feel and look like a woman….and I don’t like attributing those qualities to me. If a shirt is too tight around my chest or if my pants are too tight showing my thighs I feel dramatic and frantic wanting the off. I absolutely can’t wear any woman’s clothing item besides a sports bra at the most….I just want to exist as a cool masculine person inside and out. Like my own little video game character I’ve created. Do I even have to pick a side?
Also sexuality wise: I’m into femininity. Cis women, trans women, transfem/nonbinary. Funny enough though, I don’t have much experience cuz I’ve always been shy nerdy and awkward. I did make remake my Hinge profile and list myself as nonbinary the other day, I feel like I’ve unlocked a new level of queer for myself. Haven’t been on a date yet though. Don’t think I’ll ever like men. But hypothetically if I HAD to, I rather be a dude that likes men rather than a woman that does. The few times I have had sex with women, I’ve felt insecure about the way I look because I know I’m hiding my feminine body under the illusion of my clothes. I’ve never been in a relationship so I wouldn’t even know how to address this with a partner.
I hope all of this makes sense. Thanks for listening to the ramble. Also I have a therapist who is LGBTQ friendly, but she is a cishet middle aged woman so the thought of even trying to explain the mess inside my head feels like a lot of work lol