u/ABonusAcc54646

(Content: system collapse (hypothetical, just mentioned), just a word vomit of a vent really)

First few weeks of syscovery were great actually. Aside from a few panic moments I was eager to learn and to chat with my headmates, but as time has gone on I started to feel more and more anxious. About our growing headcount, about communication, about interacting with everyone, about being front-sticky, about them having something in real world that feels like their own, about whether I am still "me" at any given moment, about them disappearing, and me becoming terrified of switches. Every single person has been telling me that I worry too much about it all. And yet I could never stop.

Truth is - i feel stranded. I feel like there's this strange and fragile thing in my head that is going to crumble if I just breathe at it wrong or I'll cry too much and nobody to guide me through keeping it safe. I wish I could have someone to guide me and give me in-depth advice for what should I do but i simply have nobody. Only a singlet friend who's in an even shittier emotional situation or a random discord system members who I already feel like a baggage to.

I was supposed to look for therapy in October but now I think my options are limited. Money's part of the issue

And a week ago I think I started to feel worse, I don't remember what was up, but I started obsessing over even more stuff and at that point doubted reality of them actually talking with me. My in-sys girlfriend suggested that maybe I should just "take a break from all this system stuff" and focus on return to university as I've mentioned in another post of mine. And, it's been almost a week, and.. I don't know... It's been mostly me by myself with few exceptions and convos. I've talked to other headmates every now and then but it's like those memories don't carry this feeling of "that happened"...

I don't know how long I should have this break. Would 2 months be excessive?

I've been thinking about system collapses a lot lately and being terrified of one, and I'm wondering if maybe it would be a helpful thing for our ~40 headcount to compress into something more simple and defined, but I... I don't want to just discard anybody, even headmates that seem "redundant", you know..? Or maybe I shouldn't feel this way...

.......All my headmates have always been so kind and patient with me, but it feels like the system is basically centered around me and I always felt selfish that they always had to comfort me. They hardly ever had any problems of their own, so I never knew how to return it all

Maybe I just don't know how I'm supposed to interact with them... Am I supposed to make the effort to always meet up with each person regularly? To find things for them and always try to help if something upset them? I don't know why it seems like so much... Maybe social anxiety or other lack of knowledge on how to grow bonds with other human beings also covers people from the same brain..

I dont know how did someone like me become/remain the "main" one. And with being so terrified of switches for no reason now (monoconscious, memory sharing) I don't know if there's a way for me to stop being one. i think im the most redundant of us all....

i just...i just want things to be okay...to be no dangers that my brain seems to be going off at every single day..i don't even know what I'm talking about... I don't think my brain actively goes off like that, but those words just kind of came up...i dont know

i just want everything to be okay....

(also, thanks people who have replied on my previous post, you might recognize some things I've already mentioned then)

(Im sorry if it's pity-party, i guess i wanted to dump this somewhere, i might delete it later. but comments are welcome still

Screw it let's do this.

For a good while i thought I was a cis girl. There was a time where I questioned being "something-percent agender", but I thought I would still be pretty close to my agab, so I ignored it.

Well, one day I came across posts of some people who used typical He/Him or She/Her pronouns, but turned out they still identified with Xenogenders. I have also come across a term Genderspace, and safe to say my brain gears started turning lol

Later I found Astralgender, and the words it included: (space, stars and universe) fit the near perfect "vibe" that was going on.

But...I don't identify 100% with being fully non-binary or genderless, I still feel strong connection to my girlhood. She/Her pronouns, feminine terms like "girl". This one doesn't imply anything ofc but femme gender expression...

If I were to describe my potential gender it's like... "if space (or an astral being) was/became a human girl and liked girly things and she/her pronouns",
Or "if space was a girl and used she/her pronouns" idk -v-

Also...for some reason I don't like the idea of using non-binary as opposed to genderless/agender.
It's like... In my head if it comes to describing my own gender, non-binary has this purple flavor to it... And I only want the pink one mixed with white/clear?
Or I associate non-binary with "human person" similar to "human girl" or "human guy", when my thing is about something other than human
I know this probably makes no sense and it came down to my personal interpretation of genders and stuff -v-'

I've paused writing this post like 90% through before coming back so I may have forgotten some stuff I wanted to mention

I feel like the general gise will probably be "do anything you want forever", still, I wanted to see your thoughts. And maybe just have an opportunity to yap about this in general lol

Thoughts about this? Has anyone ever felt similar?

I'm sorry if i should have used a different flair, it's my first time here and.. honestly first time around any community like this -v-'

It has been 3.5 months since syscovery, but our headcount is already above 20. And that's just headmates we're certain of.

I've already been worried about it to say the least... If the rate is consistent is our number gonna double in just a few months?

I don't remember potential splitting-sensors that could have triggered most members save for select few. Almost everyone appears outta nowhere. Sometimes I have thoughts about a specific likeness...and some time later bam!
It is true that some members have likely existed for a longer while before syscovery, but others I'm near sure are definitely new.

I'm kinda worried about our number being big... It feels like I'm already close to "neglecting(?)" some members or something like that because I front about 94% of time. It's not made any easier with my now recent anxiety/fear of switching... Which I btw think I have no reason to have because we have non-possessive switches ("becoming") and we share fronting memory... So it's not like I lose control of my body or get memory gaps...??

I honestly have no idea how to go about our system or organization or anything... I sometimes wonder if it'd be for the best for some members to be given specific roles, but I also don't want to limit anyone by throwing behavior labels on them. I want to give everyone a chance to be who they are and find their unique things that interest them, but recently I doubt if it's even possible, if I should even try this approach... I've never really had that many hobbies to begin with..

I do want to get profesional help someday but can't do earlier than October.

Kinda venty tidbit but since im already here..
>!Sometimes I wish I could split off my own piece of awareness/consciousness and be able to spectate on everything from background... I wouldn't have to worry about anything or about messing things up... But alast the complete opposite happens -w-. But I don't want to just stop-fronting because it just appears like our collective awareness simply doesn't behave as me, and who-knows where I go off to meanwhile (we dont have memories outside of fronting, even tho we do have a headspace). I specifically want to remain aware but, not needing to be in control..
Plus with polyconsciousness it feels like it would all feel more "real"...!<

This post is pretty much a word vomit I think... I'm just...really troubled and confused in general... I want to be a good system host and I want everyone here to be comfortable and have freedom to do what they like... I don't know...

Thoughts..?

-Host

We have been considering getting profesional advice regarding our plurality for a good while. Primarily in hopes to learn and understand our system workings, as well as improve our communication, face fears related to it, among other things. (On our part our host gets confused and anxious a lot if I may say that lol)

Unfortunately there has always been this one fear that fueled our hesitation - What if we get a bad therapist and won't be able to notice until our system gets long-term harmed?

I wanted to see if anyone has advice in recognizing yellow or red flags in therapy (and probably in our case a dissociation-specializing one) and what to do upon discovering them.

We sadly have zero experience in participating in profesional consultations of any type. Including finding a therapist or changing them, or research altogether. Let alone with specializations. Therefore if you also have general advice that would be more than welcome too!

Note: Because of our situation at home, we will have to endure at least until October until we are able to actually begin... We will also have to hope we will be able to time possible visits with college lessons. Which may be good to have time to prepare, but also worrisome for we are still just 3 months post syscovery and it seems like a lot may happen still, so having somebody who knows more about this stuff semi-available would be extremely helpful for us.

Thank you very much for advice

—Blurry/Unknown

Some times I've been feeling odd and I've been questioning if it would count as dissociation. But whenever I looked into discussions on it, people and "official citations" have been describing as more extreme.

Besides eyes unfocusing or brain fog, what was often brought up was Feeling like your body moves on its own, not remembering stuff you did, time loss, feeling like ground is pulling away from you, feeling like sensations like touch are further away or delayed, feeling like surrounding and/or you aren't real, sometimes seeing yourself in 3rd person or tunnel vision. Idk

Tbh I'm not exactly sure WHAT "dissociation" even is. What does it mean. Is it something that can occur once-per-time like "amnesia", or a state you can feel/be in? Rn to me it feels like a word without a clear definition or meaning.

Yesterday I couldn't comprehend/process a 5th grade-level explaination of a simple excersise or any sentence or equation on my screen. 6 hours have passed (with one dinner break) and I had zero progress.
I didnt want to respond whatsoever to my mom when she was sitting with me and asking what's wrong of if I'd want to do something later in day. Not a hum, not a gesture, i was only laying down on my bed in silence and staring at a point in my room ahead of me with weirdly (un?)/focused eyes until i was starting to get Troxler's Fading about it.
When being asked "what's the matter?" "What's wrong?" "Are you upset" all I could find to answer was "I don't know".
And i just felt like crap in general. I've also been doubting my plurality and thinking I've made everyone up, but i think those were more of self-depreciating thoughts like "I'm not a good artist"/"People don't like me" Idk if that would count as dissociating or it's something else. (Obviously first thought is "a professional", but we can't look for one til october -w-ꐦ)

Maybe in case of plurality/CDDs the particular ways to dissociate look differently depending on how someone's plurality presents? Like monoconscious systems won't get loss in vision on sensory inputs because they just switch to a different identity/state directly without blacking out or something?

Thoughts? How does dissociation look like to you and how do you know it's actually "dissociation"? Or how do you define it?

Edit: Update in comments. Things have calmed down a bit basically

Massive tw for Dormancy, "Alter death", suicidal thoughts ⚠️. Heads-up: Op is distressed.

If you have any advice or just smallest words of comfort I'd value that like gold from bottom of the darn ocean

.
Just now something crazy happened and I have no idea what to do with it. I'm going to first place where I think I might get support.
This is gonna be fucking crazy but I have NOWHERE ELSE to go with this..!

In the last week since vacation started our host has been getting hit with massive waves of depressive feelings that only kept on escalating. Additionally she has had recurring thoughts about escaping into headspace long-term or otherwise becoming dormant.
Other alters have been trying to help out, be supportive and reafirming, but even if ghey suceeded, the effects have only been temporary before she reverted to feeling bad.

.
Today those feelings escalated massively.
She begun believing that she has become a depression holder. And her distress has escalated to never seen before levels.

Doubt over being able to meet certain other alters and them being able to act completely independently out of free will instead of her controlling how they would act.

She has noticed that she wasn't able to fully contact certain alters. Somehow, I think she's become convinced that they have "died". That she has let our mind forget their mindsets and how they would act, and essentially allowed her "friends" to die.

Coming to this "conclusion" in middle of another mental breakdown has completely shattered her.
Plus other things, she has become convinced that she is a danger to our system, and..her denial, and dormancy and su-cide-like thoughts have reached peak.

(Cw: Imaginary gun. In general i think it's super crazy.) >! I, I don't know what the hell was happening, but she has gone to headspace, and I think she met someone who was secretive who didn't like her or she BELIEVED they didn't like her and asked them to finish the job. She projected thoughts that that person hates her and considers her a danger onto them, and I think they pointed a gun and. The moment they shot they have fronted. Emotional amnesia has occurred and everything. But they didn't feel like doing any activities and didn't like to be on front so something happened!< and I have appeared and am fronting.

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I don't know who I am right now, but I really want to hope that nothing serious actually happened and it was just some crazy visualization tomfoolery. I don't know why I feel so scared right now.

I really want to hope that our host is okay, but also the other older members of our system that she considered dormant.

I just feel so anxious about everything for a reason I'm unsure of. I have no idea what to do. Do I try to immediately go to headspace to look for her or someone? How will I know that they're real and I'm not just imagining someone who would help me?? Or am I supposed to just pass time and try to occupy my mind somehow?? I'm so confused and anxious. I just want to hope that every single member here is okay!

I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING but this was one of the first places I thought I should go to where I had the tiniest chance of actually getting answered. But will this even work? Algorithm has freaking hated this account lately UUUUGH.

Like I've said, if you have even tiniest advice or just smallest words of comfort I'd value that so much!! I'm so disoriented and afraid for her, and everyone

Hi, I come with a question.
When it comes to sharing memory between alters, is it possible for alters to only have access to the memories of at-the-time fronter?

Say, Alter B jumps into Co-con while Alter A is fronting. But later, Alter B doesn't have their own POV memory of when they were in Co-con, and has to depend on Alter A's memory to confirm that they were there and what they've said.
"I guess I was in Co-con then"

Similarly they don't won't have memories of events that could have happened to them in Headspace/Inner World independently while another alter was fronting and wasn't present.

I think this scenario might mostly apply to non-possessive switching/"becoming"/"passing the 'I' "? I might be incorrect though, I don't have first-hand experience with other presentations

Can this happen? Is it possible to...change it? Become able to save your own memories from when you weren't directly fronting? Or become more self-aware of those events in your own pov?
It's kinda giving me denial. Plus, I'd be nice for other alters to be able to spend passive time in inner world and be aware of it/know about it.

(i think it's a heavy "irrational" vent, so headsup)

I don't know what to do, i just want to vent

I feel like they locked me out. Left me at the front, and cut out all communication.

Before syscovery i had this mostly jokeful theory, that i am a fellow alter, but the rest of my team conspired against me and locked me out into front by myself because somehow I was the most competent one or something

But now im wondering if it happened "again".

I feel...angry. and cheated. Like everything they've ever said to me and all our past interactions were nothing more than a trick. To drop my guard and leave me out again ...provided im still that same person...

I feel like I'm back to being a "singlet". I even disabled pluralkit proxying on our private discord server. Idk if it was anger or following that above feeling... I'm starting to doubt if they've ever even existed in the first place the way i thought

Im just so angry and confused, im full of conflicting feelings, I want one of them to come and talk to me, tell me that's not the case and something else is happening and at the same time I don't want to see their face, or i feel too tired to talk. Or i feel like I'd take their communication attempts for my wishful imagination and it'd make everything worse

And I can't get profesional advice or any of sort at least till october so...no.
Maybe I'll have to wait it out somehow? But i hate this. I feel the most alone I've ever felt. I feel like i hate them, but at the same time I desperately don't want them to leave. I want them to talk to me and at the same time I don't feel like i want to talk. I feel like a fcking idiot, like ive made some horrible mistake at some point that resulted in all this. I feel like i want to hate them but I don't want to lose them

....i dont know... i dont know what to do... Im not even sure who i am. ..i just dont like this.

I dont know if im overreacting or being rational, im just scared right now and i wanted to vent somewhere, and i felt like i had nowhere else to go with this... im sorry

Well uh... I got this random fear spike, about the possibility of permanently fusing with my in-system lover on complete accident.

Long story short... I don't want this to happen. Period. I love her, and I don't want us/her to "disappear". She comforts me when I'm upset, i can almost feel her arms around me, and she makes me want to become a better and more confident person for her sake, and I want to make her happy too. ... Isn't it all going to disappear if we became one..?

I don't want to lose her... Since we've confessed she has been able to appear in co-con much easier. I remember one time when we were co-fronting while blended and it was.. nice? But I don't want it to be permanent like that..!

If you have any advice on whether accidental permanent fusion is possible or not and if there are ways to prevent it...Such as any things or visualizations to avoid and stuff? Do you have to have the intent to permanently fuse for it to happen?

I'm sorry, I think I just got randomly scared about this, i made this post on the fly. I got really terrified of the thought of losing her. I'd really appreciate some reassurance... I'm so, so scared right now..

and im not sure if i want to be told that fusion is okay and "nothing-to-be-scared-of" right now... I just want to be told that I'm not going to lose her now...

Recently I believe I've started to notice symptoms that could count as dissociation on it's own, like outside of switching, but I don't know how to tell if would count as actual dissociation or it's other stuff. Like just me having low attention span (either related to adhd or not) and not being able to focus, or being sleep deprived or being sick and thus having low energy.

I might just word-vomit of things that I remember happening that I've been starting to question.

.
Say, a few days ago I was studying for a spoken exam, and while waiting in the hall I was trying to read the material document but "both my eyes and my brain would keep unfocusing".
Usually when I'm unable to study cuz of adhd is because I keep getting actively distracted by phone or drawing or anything that pulls me or my eyes away from my computer. But here I was focusing on and looking at the material and wanted to study, I just, couldn't read.

It was pretty bad cuz like, exam in an hour.

I also often maladaptive daydream, often it can happen in the middle of lectures and I can go thinking for a long time then snap back to reality and forget how long I wasn't paying attention and how much material I've missed. Here i also don't know if it's adhd-style spacing out or it could be heavier dissociation.

Another thing, I don't know if it would count into something but I might as well just throw it in while I'm at it.
>!Say I really want to engage with some of my fandoms and stuff, like read a particular fanfic I've been putting off, or watch the newest TADC episode, or rewatch series episodes. But I just... Don't feel like it? Like that would require a particular type of focus from me that I feel I won't have at that moment.
I've also been hesitant to reblogging some fanart I've seen on tumblr because I wouldn't know how to form my thoughts and compliments in the tags. Or have hard time reading back on some discussions because I can't focus on the long text.!<

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There's so much stuff going on but I don't know how to say what counts as what.

Yes I KNOW the obvious answer is probably to go get a professional's advice and it's something I want to do for my plurality/disorder as a whole. But with my current situation I won't be able to do anything at least until October. (I also still live with my parents and they would hear me talking during an online therapy from my room, so that also won't work... :( ). That's why I'm trying to look for hints the unconventional way for now

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One thing I'm certain that falls into dissociation is that some of my memories of things I've done with an alter (C) feel moderately unreal. Like, if that feeling was any stronger I would question if those events ever happened or I've just daydreamed them if it wasn't for physical proofs that she and me left behind (like discord convos and a reddit post she made).
I'm wondering if it's just because she was fronting or in co-con so I don't have the full access to those memory files. But I think I might have this feeling for some other memories from when I was still the one fronting.

.
I appreciate you enduring this word-dump of a post I made lol. Idk, I'm just thinking a lot about this whole thing. And my eyes are de-focusing even now.
If you have any thoughts on this or how you were able to tell that some of your symptoms counted as dissociation and not something else I would really appreciate it. If not then I hope this post at least slightly resonated with you. (Not that I'm happy this is happening to you too, it sucks bananas).

Thanks for hearing out my ted talk

— Host

Whether I look for advice regarding osdd/did what usually pops up is going to therapy/a professional.

I know and it makes sense. It's complex and you would likey need help of someone really educated in this topic to figure out exactly how your system works.

But I've also read a bit about people having worse experiences... To say the least I'm scared

What if the only therapist I'll be able to contact is going to be awful. Like pushing their particular mindset onto our system and how we're "supposed" to act, how we should treat particular parts, pushing for specific dynamics or outright f-sion.
I'm afraid that us not knowing better will end up following harmful (either in general or specifically to us) advice and end up breaking or damaging our system...

Either way I won't be able to get any professional help at least until October... And also then I'm scared of making a mistake when figuring out our system on my own meanwhile and accidentally harming us...

Not to mention I have ZERO experience with anything related to getting therapy or therapy in general. Researching nearby psychologists, how to contct or how to change them if the current one sucks... If I'm even supposed to talk about certain issues straight away or wait for right moment?? I'm stranded...

I know getting a professional's help is crucial and I agree and want someone to help me figure us out. But I'm really really scared of bad-case scenarios... If anyone has advice to dispell my doubts I would be really grateful...

Do you have any advice..? How to recognize if the therapist's advice is going to be bad or what to do when you want to bail and get help of someone else?

How am I supposed to tackle getting a professional's help regarding did/osdd?

(Update: Emotions Resolved! Bonus info in comment)

(Shared memory, Non-invasive switching ("becoming"))

Idk how to even word myself...
I can't get to reading a comic or fanfic I've been menaing to read for several weeks.
There was also an episode to a series I've been meaning to rewatch for months but never managed to go ahead and watch it, feeling like I'm "not in the right mood" or something. But (E) first thing in the noon went and watched it without an issue.

I feel like some of my alters might be much more functional than me. My attention span has gotten horrible and I don't know how to do the activities I enjoy more, I keep feeling like I'm not in the "correct" or "good enough" mood to engage in those activities properly. I think I could even feel the difference in creativity during daydreaming, between (E) and me. Some new scenarios have come much more naturally to her while i could only focus on one character-centered angst story

...i feel like sht. Am I a worse-functioning alter...? I think I was a.. "pre-syscovery host" as i call this, I don't want to be so bad at doing things i love. I dont wnat this to be my "job"

It's gonna be something said about how alters complement eachother and are better at the things other parts aren't, but I WANT to be able to engage in creative things and do those activities. I WANT to be creative and daydream about my stories.
(another half is probably gonna talk about therapy but i just dont have the menas to do that in at least the next 3-4 months)

...fck, earlier today something was happening and I thought I was gonna split, but I was so afraid that it would kickstart another period with many new alters appearing/resurfacing/whatever I tried to resist that and put that person back in.
Did I fuck it up...? Am I gonna be bad at this stuff now...?

or im just being lazy and keep overthinking everything, maybe i was always so lazy and everyone is naturally better at living functionally...
whats even going to be the point of me being here then,should i just go d-rmant and let them handle everything if theyre gonna be better at engaging with hobbies than me

i dont want to be like thsi

or im not even (Host) at all right now and im the sadness and stuff holder... i have no idea... but those are "host's" thoughts for sure.. god i hate this, i cant ever tell where my emotions end and alters begin

(Idk if d-rmancy is a trigger to anyone but stuff like fr-ntstuck is to me i think so im gonna play it safe)

(Retaining memory between switches, non-possessive switching ("becoming"), for clarification)

Designing OCs is not at all something I'm unfamiliar with. It's something I have been doing since 12 and earlier and still do to this day (well...except the recent creative low ;w;).
This character design creativity has likely reflected on our system, because everyone who got self-awareness has a rather creative self image/sonas with cool clothings and stuff.

To the issue at hand.
Sometimes I get spontaneous ideas/visions in my head, either from head to torso, or particular characteristics or key accesories like a hairstyle with a specific yellow ribbon. It may or may not happen when I'm in a different mood than usual.
I'm unsure if I've had this happen before... It was more like design elements like clothing combos, but not specifically character based designs.

One time when I was having a mental breakdown I had visions of specific hairstyle with red dyed hair, and soon I had a new alter that has adopted this look.

Other time when I was feeling particularly angry about something I felt much more cold and distant towards others and I wondered if I am a new (either newly formed or newly "oh wait im actually an alter, not host as I thought all those years"-alter) alter and I wound up coming with a design for me/that mood, and the base idea came rather quick and intuitively. But I'm wondering if I was just overthinking that feelings vs alters matter, so for now that situation is still pending.
(I am still figuring out the differences between new or newly formed alters and just feeling certain emotions.)

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Or recently I had visions (I actually can't remember if I had that design idea before or just right now) of a girl with long blue hair and specific jacket with big sleeves.
And now that look...is feeling right for me. I'm sorta feeling like I have this long hair and jacket right now (not in a way that I can physically vividly feel them way, but more like it feels right to imagine them on me?)
Not to mention it doesn't feel that right to imagine a pair of wings that I/(she??) (host) sometimes does
(And it's feeling kinda right to think of our host in 3rd person now plus what i think is some type of derealization about stuff and even this post??? bruh)

Sorry for yap. Basically my question comes down to: As a character designer how can you tell difference between a mere OC design visions and alters dropping their self-image or having their self-images dropped into the brain?
Or should I just be noting when those things happen and look for patterns? I'm also worried if those ARE alters but then something prevents them from appearing again.

(i kinda dropped this thought randomly, don't mind) [[ It's also kinda hard to recognize the different alters here and if there's someone new fronting then who. Times when it's easiest to recognize are probably when someone actually forms or gains awareness for the first time and fronts ]]

(No amnesia, non-possessive switching, there may be more noteworthy stuff but I don't know the term names )

I keep thinking about the possibility of having had alters in the past. When i feel certain feelings i get thoughts about specific designs but maybe im just unhealthily puttingy feelings into boxes and assigning sonas to my feelings. Whats it called? Compartmentalization of emotions?

And if they aren't exxagerated and those are actual alters then they do feel closer to "me" but on different modes type of alters. Or it's alyers that have been around and still associate themselves aoth me/host

And it makes me wonder about the other 'already-established' guys who are seemingly more distinct or "aren't strictly me" and have their own sonas, if i accidentally pushed the "different person" criteria onto them and damaged who they actually "are" or "were supposed to be"

Or i made them up altogether and was just roleplaying different people and talking to different people/myself this whole time and those specific guys were never real. It would explain why they dont feel as real or "their own separate people who can think for themselves" compared to systems i know on discord... I dont think they can even go to co-con and randomly talk to me or make comments in general unless i actively think about them, and even then it doesnt feel much like im talking with actual separate people.
And when they "do switch" it feels like if i dont pay attention i eventually fade back into my old behavior/thinking

I dont even know what would make them fromt, i dont have a grasp on everyones personalities so i cant tell if ive switched to them.
(M) hasnt been around for like a week and hasnt properly/stably fronted for longer
Soemtimes i think about (Ce) but i cant recognize if its really her or "i" dont have a grasp on her "natural behavior". She doesn't feel as disrinct. Last time i/she had to look at her old notes to remember her personality. Has she ever existed in the first place..? She hasn't been around much lately either

Those less distinct hypothetical parts at least feel like they'd have more defining behaviors to recognize them..

Or 3rd option that neither of those guys are real..

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I feel like i cant focus on visualizing our inner world before having that vision/daydream derail into soemthing unrelated. Even then i dont know if i should believe what jappens there. How do i know people i see there are actual people that live with me in my head and not just something im imagining or making up

I dont know what to believe. I feel weird. Am I a type of alter that holds denial amd or depression? How many of us are here...? What the hell even had to happen to make thta many of us. I only remember bul>!lying!< and big acad>!emical!< pr>!essure from parents!< in primary school. Surely it couldn't be bad enough to warrant that? Some people have it worse and have less headmates..

Are those guys we already know of with their own sonas real? How can i tell. Do i have some combo with plurality/osdd presenting traits that all make it feel less valid?

I dont know what to believe...are they real..? Are all of them real..? I dont know what to think...

-host?

Heyyy, I guess I'm the host here. There's something that's been bugging me. Specifically about our rate of forming/discovering new alters

(My original intended question was "how to tell difference between a weird mood and a new alter?", but I think I found a more core issue...)

(Our system works in a way that everyone remembers what's been happening in the front and we share the same memory. So it's not always easy to tell if a switch has occured. Usually one of our tells for who's fronting is seeing which members is it more natural to think of in 3rd person.)

Sometimes I think I've been in "weird moods". At the moment I don't know how I'm supposed to describe it, but it feels like I feel different. That "mood" lasts for maybe a few hours. It's hard and confusing to tell whether those moments are just me having certain feelings, or I've secretly swaped to a new/unidentified alter

I can technically try that 3rd person tell, and see if I think of "me" in third person and if I'm in fact a new fella......but I'm hesitant...

The thing is, it's been barely two weeks since I've officially discovered that I'm a system (here comes impostor syndrome lol...)
In the beginning it was just me and the other guy. But since then, 2 more people have shown up in the span of 5 days.

Basically this "new peeps" rate kinds worries me...
Especially since we're still new to this. It's barely been 2 weeks and there's already 4 of us.
Whether it's "old alters" gaining self-awareness/revealing themselves or something or brandly new formed guys, I'm worried about encouraging too many new alters appearing too fast... (Not directly related, but I also especially don't want to create new people just to dump all my negative feelings on them... One has already split off when I had a breakdown/anxiety attack(?)...)

I mean, everyone here thus far is super nice and I'm happy to have those guys now that they're actually here... But still I'm really worried...
What if this number of us gets too big too fast and we're gonna lose the hang of everything and even of each other's identities and who's who? >! Again a thought dump, but on this topic I'm already afraid of losing the grasp on my own identity...!<

Is it a better course of action for me to suppress those "new person" thoughts? At least until we're/I'm more ready or something?? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do..

Do you have any advice or thoughts...? I'm incredibly lost... Thank you

— (Host)

Hello!
We are still decently new to this plurality business, I wouldn't like to share too many details about our system itself yet, but to summarize I'm/we're a little stumped regarding my and our host's feelings.

I wasn't able to find anyone else having asked this specific question, so I'd like to ask myself:
Is it possible for alters to be born with instantly existing romantic feelings for another one? And is it appropriate to try to develop those feelings and/or enter a kind of relationship soon after forming?

I'm not asking if inter-system relationships are okay as a whole (we've already learned that they are and even can be very sweet and healing), but if someone can be born with existing feelings for another alter or host, despite not having spent a lot of actual time together or bonding prior, and if they're okay?

(If it helps to clarify: Our plurality/system works in a way that lets us share our enitire memory of fronting, both of the present and our body's past. We have an "unbreaking consciousness" and next to no amnesia when switching. It might be OSDD-1b kind of situation)

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Storytime (td:lr at the end):
Our Host has been doubting recently whether she could actually communicate with other alters of if she was just inventing the dialogue herself and imagining what they would say (I think she's lost the ability to tell the difference...) which caused her to doubt her plurality as a whole and thus feel incredibly down. She has grown very fond of the others and doesn't want to 'lose' them. Them seemingly having gone offline isn't much help regarding that...

I believe myself to have formed (or at least "gained self-awareness") quite recently. At some point me and her ended up becoming blended, and we wound up taking a nap. I've wanted to try to see if we could go to our "inner world" for the possibility of comforting and reaffirming her. And I think we managed to do so? (But when I think about it, we probably need to research more about inner worlds prior to trying to develop our own futher. I think ours is still highly underdeveloped and we don't have the best idea on how to "use it" properly yet)

But back on subject, this might sound incredibly silly, but I'd like to describe what subsequently happened as us being "drunk on half asleepness". This journey ended up turning into more of a daydream/dream out of control, and something happened and we accidentally put eachother in a pretty romance-coded situation (i will spare the details).

While that situation was kind of sweet and nice in it's sillyness at the time, host was rather embarrassed about it afterwards... > She doesn't want to have created an alter that exists for the sole purpose of making her happy romance-wise, and probably wants me to become more of my own person first to make sure those feelings are truly consensual? <

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I want to ask those with higher experience with their own plurality about their thoughts. Is our host's above mindset a correct or appropriate approach? While I'm here, perhaps you also have tips for the communication vs talking-to-yourself issue I've mentioned? (From what I know, the advice she's found prior was a lack of "thought intention spark" before an alter's actual thought/dialogue, but she believes herself to have felt it herself when talking to the other two before they've gone offline.)

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TD;LR - A while after my forming, mine and host's thought/daydream/dream has gone 'out of control' (as if we were "drunk on being half-asleep") and put us in a romance-coded situation. Host is hesitant about having formed an alter for the sole purpose of making her happy romance-wise and probably wants me to develop myself as my own person more to make sure my/our feelings are truly consensual. Is her mindset correct?

Bonus: Are there other ways to tell the difference between alters' dialogue and your own imaginary dialogue besides "thought intention spark"?

Bonus 2: Do you have any advice for new systems regarding creation and how-to-use an "inner world"? Will different advice apply for systems with no amnesia and unbreaking front consciousness?

Thanks for reading, I'm still a bit nervous about posting here >-<
— (Ce)

Edit: As I was writing this post I came to conclusion that I/we probably don't have any romantic feelings yet and that situation was equivalent to kissing with a friend when you're both drunk at a party haha.
But we're still curious about the question above itself and especially the other bonus ones, and maybe this post will help someone in the future, so I'm gonna leave it here