u/ADHDbutgoodvibes

Hello, I'm typing this with shaking hands and tears in my eyes, I don't know what to do. I'm with my girlfriend for about a year now and everything has been great.

We both come from toxic relationships with trauma, struggles, etc. but openly talk about it and made adjustments to each other to better accommodate what we need. She specifically comes from a relationship where she immensely struggled to get out and in which her "No" wasn't being respected (so SA took place).

Now, my biggest fear is having my partner be scared of me. I have different trauma from her and a complicated upbringing which makes me very timid and yet very sensitive to rejection.

Anyways, the other day we were chilling on the couch, watching a show and after the episode I leaned over and went in for a kiss. She gave me one and I wanted more kisses and went in for the next and the next again. She pulled back and I followed making teasing sounds until I leaned on her arm and she said "Ouch" and I stopped. I checked in with her and I didn't hurt her just leaned on her a bit and the weight pressed on her forearm.

After that the evening shifted and she got moody, distant, a bit cold and we had little fight about it later which got me scared (intense fear or rejection and being left).

The next day the messages were sparse and cold and I reflected on what could have been the problem. I then realized that the way I followed her kissing must have triggered her because her ex probably did similar things, following her with kisses, making it seem like he demands more, etc.

Now, I see this differently, this all happened in the span of maybe 6 seconds and I truly just wanted to fool around in a lovey dovey way. I had zero intention of forcing myself on her. But I also realize that my intention and how she received it are different. She is triggered because of her trauma and I am so deeply sorry that it hurts.

I brought this up and we talked, I explained my side and told her to take the time she needs but asked her to please give me another chance. She said she still loves me but wants to think about it and talk it over with her therapist to which I replied that she should of course do that and whatever she feels is right. I'll be here if she needs me. I also reassured her that if she feels that she needs to leave the relationship that she can do that and I won't and can't force her to stay with me. I can simply try to not do things like that in the future. The reason I said this is because she had difficulties leaving her partner for various reasons but the affirmation that it is her right to leave for any reason is calming to her.

She also mentioned that she said "No, no, no" when pulling away and got triggered because I didn't respect her "No". Mind you, English is not our first language and usually we talk in English when we aren't serious or play around. But apparently to her it comes easier to say "No" in English since she still struggles to openly say no to me (which is why I usually ask a lot and often for consent).

This obviously makes this so much worse. I feel awful and disgusting but can't make this right. I need to wait and give her time because if I fight too hard or over explain I'm afraid she'll read it as manipulation. I feel helpless. I messed up and can't clean up the mess without making it messier.

So, people who were in similar situations, who accidentally triggered their partner's trauma, what did you do to mend things? Is there even anything I can do apart from open communication and honesty? I'm so deathly afraid of losing her but at the same time don't want her to be with me if she's afraid of me. I don't know what to do.