How do I (25f) address my boyfriend’s (26m) lack of hygiene?
Edit to UPDATE: Tl;Dr - Had the talk, he listened to what I had to say and he will be seeing a dentist first and we are also going to get a new ph balanced soap tonight. Thank you everyone for your time.
So as soon as I got home, I found him and we talked. I started by asking when his last dr visit was because I felt that was the best Segway into it. I told him I’m concerned about his breath and that after doing some digging (I did NOT tell him I posted here in Reddit but I also did do more googling into the conditions you all listed below) I’m concerned he may be having a medical issue we just don’t know about. He promised me he’d check tonight if he still has dental insurance and that he’d check with the dentist first bc apparently he’s had a lot of tonsil issues in the past. Then I asked him if we can use a different body soap. I said it as gently as I could that even after washing on occasion there’s a weird smell. He wasn’t happy but he kept listening and asked what kind of soap we should try, so I suggested a Ph balanced soap like some of you suggested in the comments. We’re gonna see if a local store has a better body wash and test it tonight.
I did also apologize to him for not saying anything sooner. As his partner this is something we should have talked about forever ago especially since it’s been impacting our relationship and his image of himself. I reminded him that I love him because I do, and he seems to be digesting what I spoke with him about.
Thank you all for commenting and taking the time to read all of this. And thank you for giving me courage to say this to him out loud it feels like a massive weight is off our shoulders.
Tl;Dr: Boyfriends downstairs gets smelly even after showering and his breath actually smells like poop on occasion even after brushing, how can I convince him to take care of himself without coming off as a bitch?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. He’s very intelligent, he’s kind, he’s always willing to go with the flow. He’s very mellow and I feel that we balance each other out well. He’s an absolute goober and my favorite person. I want to have more sex with him as our bedroom has been almost extinct for a year however there are some hygiene issues I’ve been repeatedly noticing that just aren’t being corrected.
Occasionally, his downstairs smells like he hasn’t properly washed in days even AFTER he takes a shower. How it happens I have no idea. And for months his breath will on and off smell like shit. Literal poop. As if he grabbed a dookie out the toilet and chomped on it right before kissing me.
It’s these two things that have made it difficult for me to pursue intimacy with him. If it was happening at the beginning of our relationship I literally did not notice. But over time I noticed his downstairs gets smelly (he doesn’t work out, he doesn’t do anything strenuous for his job on a regular basis it’s just when the occasional project pops up, he’s mostly stationary at a desk or at his computer here at home), and randomly his breath will go from smelling perfectly normal one day to the next day like poop. I was direct the first time I spoke to him about his downstairs smell. I told him he smelled like he didn’t wash properly. He got really defensive and, understandably, self conscious. He did go and scrub the area better but the smell just comes back sometimes. So then I tried taking others advice and changing tactics, like cheekily asking him to shower with me and then helping him scrub (which I learned quickly he does NOT like). I’ve watched him use a rag to scrub his ass clean, and then after we get out of the shower he smells STILL as if there’s still poop between his cheeks. I don’t understand. I’ve WATCHED him scrub, floss, and rinse with mouthwash and then as soon as he’s done I go to kiss him and his mouth still smells like poop I don’t understand.
Anytime we talk about hygiene he gets defensive and quieter than he usually is. It makes me sad and frustrated because I want to help him fix whatever is going on so I can ride him like a screen door in a hurricane but rather than coming up with a plan to fix anything or even asking for advice or anything he mopes instead. We’re ad the point I’ve been using my IUD as an excuse to not have sex (I have an appointment to get it replaced in two weeks because it expires in June but I’ve just been saying it’s already expired and we have to abstain). He’s been bringing up doing other forms of intimacy but I know us too well and we go from 0-100 every time.
And again, it’s not constant that his downstairs and his breath smells so awful to the point I have to choke back Gags but it’s enough times that we have only been having sex maybe once or twice every other month for the past year and a half.
I’m frustrated sexually and emotionally. This is my man and I want our bedroom to come back to life, it’s just difficult for me to want to put out when he literally smells and shuts down when I try different approaches when discussing his hygiene. He keeps asking if there’s anything he can do for me sexually, and I keep telling him no because sexually he does great but his smell is just awful sometimes and I don’t know how else to put it in a way that won’t embarrass him or make him shut down and not even want to have sex anyway.
How do I get past the defensiveness and help him work to fix the problem without nagging or momming him??? He’s my partner, not my child. I’m tired of tip toeing around it but if I try to approach it head on he shuts down.