Am l Wrong for walking out of a Mental Health Crisis Center?
Content warning for suicidal ideation and completion.
I (40s F) am a social worker with more than 20 years of experience. I had been crumbling for months (health issues, sleep deprivation, high stress events including the end of my 25 year marriage and a death of a close family member). I was having constant intrusive suicidal ideation. I had a plan and a timeline. I desperately wanted to stop feeling this way, so I drove myself to a specialty mental health crisis center, that offers 24/7 walk in care with 23h voluntary unit and an inpatient unit, to get help. Being in the field this facility was highly regarded and I've referred several people there.
I go into the room. I am sobbing. I am vulnerable. I tell the provider (on video) and the Case Manager everything. I am begging for help.
They tell me: "If you don't agree to a voluntary hold, we will have to involuntarily commit you."
That is the nuclear option. I agree to the voluntary hold and meds. I am trying to get better. I want help.
After the call ends, I see the chat log between the Provider and the Case Manager left open on the screen.
I see comments discussing my case:
"Why wait til Christmas..."
"Borderline" followed by a laughing crying emoji.
Yes. A laughing emoji next to a personality disorder label while I am sitting ten feet away planning my death. (I also saw details about the patient before me who apparently had bipolar.). These chats were before they had even spoken to me.
After the Provider logs off. The Case Manager tells me:
"You have to realize it's just not that big of a deal."
"You need to get away from everything, somewhere sunny, even just for a few days."
"With the way the weather is..."
I was stunned. I sat there reflecting on the emoji and the minimization. When a different worker came in with the admission paperwork, I refuse to sign. I tell her I am uncomfortable, and why, and that I want to leave.
The Case Manager comes rushing back in. He tries to "fix" it by telling me a story about his wife going to Louisiana for SAD.
I cut him off. I tell him: "I want to leave. If you need to commit me, then take me to a different facility. I will not stay here."
All of the sudden I wasn't too unsafe to release. They told me I was free to go. They provided me no resources. They did not offer to help me find another facility, or even give me a flyer for the suicide hotline. I drove myself home in a dissociated state, sobbing, with intrusive on thoughts of a recent suicide case I worked, specifically, the visual of the 48-year-old man's mangled corpse after he drove into a wall at 100mph. (I also work in tissue recovery for transplant) I was picturing that body while I was driving, and imagining the relief he must have felt. I was at imminent risk of replicating this event during the drive home. Although now writing this I suppose they were right, I survived. I'm still here. Maybe I do just need a vacation? /s
I really needed help, but I didn't feel like I was going to get it there anymore.
So, AIW?