I was so happy for a bit and now I have anxiety attacks over this bullshit
Yeah so this is an honest call for help.
I figured out I am most likely transfem at the start of this year (after another tgirl looked me in the eye and after we'd made out and asked me whether I had ever considered taking estrogen, which, of course I have). Now here we are, a month and a half into HRT, boymoding to hell and back until I move out later this year, though my irl friends are well aware and are supportive.
There are plenty of valid reasons for me to believe I am trans, hell I already identified as nonbinary for years before knowing, I have dysphoria (though it comes and goes, and I am pretty blessed with a lot of feminine traits), I even have the "I played with dolls and painted my nails as a kid" stereotype and plenty of other things from my childhood/pre-teens. But there's a catch, around the time puberty hit I did, in fact, develop a massive fetish for TGTF/forcefem content, without even knowing what it was at the time, though I had always understood it to be in the context of a larger transformation kink, until I finally noticed how badly I was repressing all of the gender aspects of it, how much it pained me to even consider I was trans, like I was *deep* in the closet and figured it might be more than just a kink.
The thing is I have developed an almost pavlovian arousal response to almost anything related to gender euphoria, to the point where when people reaffirm me I get stupidly and embarrassingly horny instead of just happy, and I feel like a pervert who's only doing it for their own hedonistic pleasure and not...just a girl, y'know? And now I've been exposed to the whole autogynephilia discourse and how that's not being "really trans"...I'm scared, honestly, that I'm essentially just larping and trying to "usurp the position of woman" (which is even a bit contradictory because I'm still nonbinary).
It's making me anxious every time I see anything related to the subject (which is often) and my already bad impostor syndrome only gets worse (me accepting I'm trans was more of a rational conclusion of evidence lining up rather than some sudden awakening). And in my worst moments I see myself as a predator who is only using this label to victimize themselves or to take advantage of others, that I'm a fucking chaser or something equally awful (and people have had that impression of me before despite barely knowing me based solely on the fact I've been with a handful of trans people).
And I don't know, am I still trans if the idea of taking HRT and being treated like a girl shows up more often when I am horny or sleepy or vulnerable? I don't know anymore! I thought it made sense! Like "Hey I repressed my desire to be feminine so hard it became a fetish, doesn't mean it's just that" but...what if it is?
Anyhow, if you've made this far, thank you. I should really get the fuck off twitter, but I really need external opinions to try and figure out this mess. I'm glad to answer any questions.
Edit: Thank you so very much for all the kind words folks! It's helped me calm down a bit, and yeah, I'm uninstalling twitter now. I think soon enough the feeling will pass.