The Coming Weeks Are Going To Be Hard
I was super glad to find this (and the WW equivalent) subreddit. I could use some help that I could likely search for, but I also kind of just want a little support.
I found out last night she'd been having an EA for at least a few months. Part of what tipped me off were recent requests to do things and become a person I'd never been, ever, things she'd never previously asked for or wanted. I also noticed a subtle shift in the trust boundary. Then came the whammy, a completely unprompted question about separation during a fairly deep conversation. So I started asking some pointed questions. Kudos to her, at least, she confessed without too much prodding.
I'm quite devastated as I know enough to know we need to end our 15 years together. We didn't have a lot of structural or communication issues in our marriage, at least that were communicated. (Which is making it worse for me.) The "reasons" given were pretty hollow, excuses really. I know these things are usually mental health related, like an unmet need for validation/attention the AP provides that doesn't happen as much in mature relationships. I'm hoping the break won't be super messy, we're super entangled of course...but fortunately no kids, separate finances and no co-owned property.
Here's where I'm struggling:
- She really doesn't "appear" to feel guilty, saying things like "nothing happened" in the EA (Uh? The obvious implosion of a marriage? Me?) Is this a defense mechanism? Do WP's often develop any sense of guilt or regret, like after the honeymoon/unmasking phase of the AP's relationship? This bothers me, a lot.
- Any tips for getting through the detangling stages where contact is necessary. I want to go NC ASAP so I can start healing, but I likely have to deal with weeks of daily interaction until we're physically separated.
- In my younger years, I'd experienced an incident of cheating. It was rough, but doable. I'm kind of terrified of the emotional roller coaster I have ahead of me after a 15 year relationship span. Am I looking at months, years, decades, never to just feel OK and like I'm worth something again?
Thanks for any insight (or even general support) you can provide. I'm hurting pretty bad here and my STBX was my deepest well for comfort and emotional support.