How could my girlfriend (24F) and I (26F) compromise on what feels like such a big difference in what we want?
My partner and I have been dating for about a year long-distance, though we did meet up IRL for a bit a few months ago. I think it's mostly been really good, all things considered. We're both a little fucked in the head in ways that makes us both feel like we need to tiptoe around each other sometimes (we both have severe rejection sensitivity and maybe abandonment issues, she has BPD, I tend to respond to perceived negativity by shutting down/avoiding it/taking all the blame). Basically it's rough whenever we do get into little spats, but I wanna say we've gotten at least a bit better at understanding how to deal with each other with every month, and we are both willing and dedicated to getting even better at it. Other than this, it's really nice. She's really nice. We're nice. We get along very well, we're constantly talking to or texting each other, we do a lot of stuff together (play games, watch movies and shows, hang out with mutual friends, talk about our days, draw, write, listen to podcasts, share music, get kinda freaky on call, say we're gonna have a book club but then both get too busy to consistently read the book, etc)
Recently though, we've been having some reoccurring problems... She's been kind of leaning into using some substances that make me uncomfortable, but I don't wanna stop her from doing what she wants or shaming her, so I sort of end up wanting to avoid her whenever she's doing that stuff. More notably though, we've been having a lot of emotional conversations about being mono vs. being poly. She's poly, but told me at the start of the relationship that she's fine with just being with me. I did also say I would maybe possibly be open to a poly relationship in the future, but not at all any time soon. I struggle enough already with battling my insecurities in my relationship, and with people in general, as is.
Maybe a month ago, she came to me and told me she did think she'd be fine in a mono relationship, but it feels like she really would be happier in something bigger, more open. I reacted very poorly and sobbed my eyes out for two days because it felt like I was being told I wasn't enough anymore (which mirrors how my last relationship ended like 5 years ago and left me pretty much locked into a shell for most of that time and kinda obliterated my self-worth, so I DO know I should have handled that convo better.) I know that's not exactly the case, and that my partner does still love me, but... despite her saying things are fine the way they are, it really isn't, right? Once that's out there, I can't just ignore it, y'know? I am so acutely aware that I am holding her back from the kind of relationship she really wants, and I don't know how to process it and feel safe with her again.
We've had several conversations that have basically lead to: okay, there's not really any solution to this, but we also don't want to leave each other. She insists she wants to stay with me, wants to fight for us, but I keep feeling like it isn't worth it, especially on her end... And it's not even like that's necessarily a bad thing. I just want her to be happy, and I can accept if it's an incompatibility thing, even if it hurts me. However, when I do start suggesting maybe we'd be better off breaking up, she kind of... I don't think she's purposely trying to guilt trip me or anything, but she does start saying stuff like me hinting at a break-up is me giving up, is me not loving her, me not caring about the relationship, me not thinking she's worth it. Which is not true at all, but I do completely acknowledge why she feels like that.
She says if I wanted to date someone else in a poly setting (a hypothetical Person C), she would simply do everything it takes to love them, because she loves me, and if I loved Person C also, she would just make herself love them too. Meanwhile, I don't think that's so simple for me. She says it'd just be a lack of me trying, and that if I loved her, I would also make myself love a Person C or D or E romantically (and fuck, I feel sick trying to imagine myself forcing my aspec ass to try and feel some kind of sexual attraction to people just because my partner wants me to...)
She wants us to open our relationship up, share it with other people, but... maybe I'm just stubborn? Scared of trying new things? Too picky about my relationships, including friendships? Too introverted? I don't know. I just don't find comfort in the idea of that type of relationship. I don’t want to spread my focus out between people like that, and I don't even know how she'd find the time for that either. I LOVE having friends, though! I have a few good friends, and I do want to try to make more, even though I find it hard! I value the boundaries between my friends and myself, and me and my one person that I'm dating. I love that she's special to me. Instead, she has said she'd want to date all of her friends if she could. Legitimately, my *unhealthy* ideal relationship is something lowkey toxic and codependent. I just want to feel secure. I want to be obsessed with someone who is obsessed with me. I want a comfortable peace with someone, but she prefers having multiple people around and having someone chatting always even if she's only listening in. I really struggle in group settings sometimes even with my closest friends, either because I get overwhelmed or tired, or feel like I'm not contributing, or I can't do anything else if I'm trying to listen in on the convos (<- guy who is very bad at multi-tasking). She says being poly would also probably help us both, like when we argue and stuff because a Person C could kinda be there to mediate or offer support when the two of us are having difficulties, but I would rather just put all I can into bettering myself for her. I want to be mentally stronger, I want to not feel so insecure and scared all the time, I don't wanna cry every time I feel some ounce of rejection. If I need outside advice or support, I have friends I can rely on (or Reddit, lol) when I really need it.
I guess I just need help figuring out if there's just. Anything to do here. I don’t know how to feel happy in the long-term knowing that she's stifling herself for me. Would breaking up really be the best thing? I've told her that I'd still want to be friends and have her in my life if we did, but she says she'll only be happy if she has me/we have each other, and that she's fine with giving things up for me. I know she does mean that, but I don't know if that's really good for either of us... I just feel bad trying to make the decision, because I know it'll hurt her. But I just want her to be happy. She says that all she needs to be happy is [me], but I have a hard time feeling like I'm actually what she wants.
Of course, this is all just one side of it, and there's other things that have just had me stressed out lately. Idk. I think maybe I am just a prude or something. Would it be better for me to just swallow how uncomfortable it'd make me and TRY to make our relationship poly? Go into it with a good attitude, try my best? Or, maybe I really am too insecure and it ISN'T as big of an issue as I feel it is, and that I should just trust that she really is okay with Just me... I'm also bad at trying to explain my feelings, but hopefully this post gets them across okay enough.