Mercy, compassion and the insidiousness of cannabis
It took me a long time, but I eventually forgave myself for how much of my life I let weed take from me. It was one of my biggest gripes, how could I choose to spend my life doing absolutely nothing and hardly remember any of it (while being paranoid and anxious)
It's dawned on me that there's probably very few versions of me, even if there is a multiverse, where I didn't get hooked on weed. Young me loved it too much, praised it relentlessly and was conditioned not just by culture at the time but also by my closest circle to worship at the altar of THC.
I'm not saying I didn't have a choice, I'm just giving myself some grace. There's always lots of reasons why someone gets addicted to anything, and weed unfortunately hit just the right spot for me.
Last years of using me and my wife went through 15 grams a week of high-quality weed, rolled into joints with tobacco. No filter, absolutely lethal. If I would've continued smoking like this I would at the very minimum have COPD, if not cancer. We were approaching a little over a decade of constant use.
I was spending ~200 dollars per week on poisoning myself. Money-wise, I'm now up to a bit over 90 000 dollars put to better use.
We were going nowhere, and some small, wiser part of me that wanted more from life was constantly talking about how much better my life would be if I stopped smoking. I ignored it for years and years, I used every argument there is to outsmart it, but deep down I knew the truth - stop being high all the time, it's ruining you.
It doesn't necessarily have to be because we managed to quit, but just a year after we did, we welcomed our first child. The curve of our careers is shooting straight up, we've welcomed our second child, and we're in a much better home.
We have better social lives, better friends, and we're in better shape. Just thinking about smoking now feels like torture, something I would have to be forced to do under threat.
The addiction mechanics of weed is so different from other drugs, so sneaky and gradual. It trapped me slowly, promising consequence-free highs, making me think it's superior to all the other heavier drugs that have actual consequences.
It took me so long to realize how much it takes. It's a cumulative danger, ambushing you while we're oblivious to how it's impairing and damaging the very essence and spirit of our life.
If you're in it and struggling to quit, give yourself a chance. Let yourself be other things than numb. Trust your inner voice and truth, you will not see immediately why it's important, but you sure will in a year or two.