After 8 years of therapy i feel like ive finally realized that my family dont actually care that much.
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I had an objectively bad upbringing. Like those abuse screening questions they do in doctor visits? I check them all. But its always been mixed with just enough bright spots i could just gas light myself out of thinking that way. Like when i was 16 my dad got me a car for my bday, bright happy spot omg dad you do care! But then he immediately moved his absuive ex into our house who then spent 7 months buying crack with money she stole from me that i made at my part time job and he gave the car to her after my party was over. Or when my mom took me to a special dinner when i got straight A's in the 8th grade but then she would get drunk and scream at me until i was sobbing about how weak and disgusting i was. But then she'd buy me new sneakers and tell me she was pround of me. But then dad would hug me so tightly and rub my back like he was afraid id disappear. But then HE disappeared for a month with my debit card and drained all the money i was saving for college. I was definitely molested as a child, not sure by who but by someone. I was shamed, degraded, emotionally and mentally destroyed before i even hit puberty. My parents constantly fought over me but only bc they equally didnt want me they just wanted the other to lose. Never in my whole fucking life have i felt supported or held. Never felt accepted or backed up.
My whole life has been a push pull push pull. But i always always thought "at least i know they really love me" i dont know why i was so certain of this. Maybe im a kicked dog, starved for companionship. Biting and snapping at all reaching hands but thankful for the least hurtful.
But now im 25, still living at home with my dad because the world is on fire and i just want them to love me. What did i ever do that was so wrong? That was so bad that they treat me like this? Am i so awful? It hurts so fucking much i can hardly stand it. Every day i go to work and come home, i pay bills i buy groceries. I pump gas and take the trash out but im fucking dying. It feels like ill never be okay ill always be this inhuman disgusting thing. This wailing broken animal. It hurts so badly and im so angry. I dont mean to bite but i do and when i can feel it happening i turn it on myself bc i feel so ashamed of this ugliness that i refuse to let other people see it.
I feel like im going to rip myself apart bc my parents never loved me. I cant even cry in front of my therapist man. I dont want to go to work i dont want to eat or get out of bed or look at myself in the mirror. I can feel the world crushing down on me like a nightmare and i just want it stop. I pray to a G-d im not even sure is real and if they are they must be apathetic. I can't go on like this i just want it to stop but i dont know how to soothe this ache.
I go to therapy and i do my coping skills, i go to work and im in school trying to better myself. I have friends who love me but i feel so trapped. I know the answer is to leave but certain life circumstances have me here for the next two years at least. I have goals im working towards. I have a future. But God it fucking hurts so badly that my past, present and future are nothing to the people who made me.