I accidentally got my girlfriend pregnant and ruined her career
This is my first ever reddit post, so bear with me...
I (37M) accidentally got my girlfriend (35F) pregnant after only knowing her 12 months and having a mostly long-distance relationship with her up until then.
We both worked away and travelled a lot in our spare time. I work offshore, and she was a sound engineer who travelled with theatre shows. We met on a dating app and bonded over our love for food, travel, and partying. We kept in touch and saw each other when we were both back home, and we really hit it off.
Then COVID happened. Her career came to a halt, obviously with the lockdowns, etc. But I was an "essential worker" being that I work in the enegery sector. When I was home, we spent all our time together. We went on bike rides the country (breaking locksown rules, of course) with cheese and wine. We drank all the time together and talked about life and our past and future aspirations. We probably drank a little too much. It was almost every day. Then she got a job working in a bar, which she hated.
And then I got her pregnant. We weren't particularly careful, and we'd always said that if she became pregnant that we would get an abortion. But when it came down to it the guilt was too much and I said I didn't want to have an abortion (I also have a lot if Irish Catholic friends that helped me come to this conclusion).
At the time, she was so angry with me, but I think she knew deep down that the decision was right.
We now have a daughter who is nearly 5 years old, and she is the best thing that ever happened to me.
The only problem is my girlfriend, who I think resents me for ruining her career. She obviously can't work away for months on end now. I still go away offshore, and she makes comments about me leaving and having time to myself and about me not having to give up my career. Truth is, I hate my job! I just like only working 50% of the year. I get paid well, too, which she also hates. She thinks I rub it in her face, but I only want to make her life easier and provide for the three of us. I pay the majority of the bills, and my daughter is about to go to private school after the summer. We're so lucky we are in this position financially while most of the country is struggling.
It's been a nightmare with her right from the moment she found out she was pregnant. She mourned the loss of her job and also carried a baby all while not wanting to be pregnant. We both quit drinking and smoking while she was pregnant, and I quickly found out that it was the alcohol that made us talk so freely with each other. Without it, she is like a closed book.
I found out she had post natal depression when my daughter was around 2 years old. She told me on our first weekend away together since having our daughter ,after having around 8 pints in Dublin. She said she'd been having suicidal thoughts but made me swear I wouldn't tell her parents. I didn't tell them in the end. Maybe I should have. I thought if I betrayed her trust, she would never tell me anything again, and she didn't open up to me much as it was. I used to worry so much about it when I went away to work.
She would go into fits of rage when we argued and say the most horrible things to me.
She is also a workaholic, which is not great when you're a full time mum. She quit working until my daughter was 2 years old and then went back to working full time and we put my daughter in nursery 5 days a week.
She originally worked self self-employed taking on local less paying amateur theatre jobs and events but had to work it around my rotations which she absolutely resented. She got her mum and dad to look after our daughter a lot during those times so she could work while I was away and then felt like she couldn't ask them to look after her when she was off so she could get some time to herself. She worked so much that we never got any time together and sometimes she would work days and nights to the point she would burn out and then take it out on me when she was knackered. The house work would also be neglected while I was away and she can't stand living in a house that isn't tidy so any down time she did have would be spent cleaning and organising.
We live in a city that I'm not from, I have no friends or family in the area. I've no social life at all but I don't particularly mind too much as I just love being a dad now. But my whole life is work and then taking care of the house and being a dad when I'm back. I'm not complaining at all, but I don't feel she appreciates what I do. It just feels like constant resentment.
We've nearly split of loads of times and I even booked us into couples therapy which hasn't helped (she thought me and the therapist were in cahoots).
It's gotten to the point now that I completely resent her. I love my daughter so much and the only problem is my relationship with my girlfriend. I should be the happiest man in the world and I'm not.
Splitting up seems so awful. I don't think I'd be able to afford private school for her if we split up. I'd end up living in a shitty flat, not waking up to my daughter climbing into bed with us every morning. It would also break my daughters heart if we split up. My parents split up when I was young and I know how shitty it is for a kid when that happens. I just don't know what to do anymore. The guilt is killing me. My girlfriend isn't a bad person, she's a great mum. She just has a lot of issues that need to be resolved but her worst nightmare is talking about how she feels. I think that's the biggest problem, lack of communication.
I don't know what I'm asking for, maybe advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ask me any questions and I'll answer