u/Aaaaaaaaathrowaw

I know that everyday I feel like I have to masturbate to porn. But sometimes it just doesn't click that I am a porn addict. Sometimes it does and I finally get hit with the shame and guilt that comes with watching that content. A lot of the times, I just feel apathy towards it because I tried to quit and it's never lasted longer than 3 weeks. I've been a near daily watcher of porn since probably 11/12 and I feel like I've just fully succumbed to this problem and I'm powerless to do anything, so why even feel shame. This is what I hate the most because at least when I felt shame for objectifying women and watching unethical content that would give me motivation to quit, even if just temporarily. But now it's just like I feel gray, like nothing, like I don't even that I'm poisoning my brain and my subconscious in ways that I know will affect how I treat women. Hell I know for a fact that the reason I become friends with a lot of women is because I find them sexually attractive.

It already has in ways that I see and feel, but even I notice it and my internal monologue is like 'why are you sexualizing your friend you fucking pervert' but my eyes and subconscious thoughts keeping looking and thinking about their body. I used to have a friend who I had developed a fairly close friendship with. In my mind, I found them very sexually attractive to the point where I would think about their body nearly everyday and would hanging off their texts like I would die without them. I needed their attention so very badly because it meant that we might getting closer to physical touch. I reached a tipping point when we had a conversation about sexual kinks and I found out that we were compatible kink wise. Physically, I was just listening and going along with the conversation, but as soon as they said what their kinks were my brain became a mess just imagining doing things to them. This just made me think about them as a body that would like to have kinks done to them. I would ask for 'fit pics' and encourage and compliment them but in reality I was masturbating to their pictures. This brought me so much shame and guilt but I had to also be their friend, so it felt like I had to constantly lie to their face because I would judge their exes and past flings for the same behavior I was doing in private. The breaking point came when they got into a relationship and I just broke because I knew I couldn't have them anymore.

I still think about this person a lot but only ever when I'm aroused or have been triggered into an arousal state which has impacted my current relationship. I love my current partner very much but they have a dislike for penetration which I've been understanding with. I never want to force anything but everytime we have sex, I feel unsatisfied because my partner isn't 'freaky' enough. This ends up with my closing my eyes during sex and thinking about fucking my exes/past crushes/friend. I HATE THIS PART OF ME SO FUCKING MUCH because the love and care i have for my current girlfriend comes into contradiction with my sexual appetite and I fucking hate it. Everytime my desires want to just have penetrative sex i die a little inside because then I've just reduced my girlfriend to an object. I often think about the wonderful future we could have together then think about the sex and have it come apart. Like my appetite for sexual partners cant be satisfied unless I have someone who will let me do xyz to them. The worst part is that when im without my partner i still sometimes jerkoff to pics of friends or exes and then wallow in my own pity afterwards because if my gf found out I know she'd be heartbroken and leave me. I feel like I can't tell her out of the fear of her leaving me but at the same time I don't want to lie to her.