u/AardvarkKitchen619

I was born and raised in Arizona, and after 20+ years living as a afab I always knew I was different, but didn't get to come out until more recently in the past 5-6 years. I am a proud: Trans-masc, Nonbinary/Pangender person who is also Pansexual, Demiromantic, & Polyamorous. Although I lived in/have a conservative narcissistic emotionally abusive "Christian" family, I am still spiritually Christian but have left the religious community/church. I had to flee for my life and move across the US just to survive. Thankfully my Soul Mate/Partner lived where I currently am, and has thankfully been helping me live a as normal life as I can. (They are Nonbinary & Atheist).

I have been dealing with chronic physical pain and mental health disabilities even before I came out. Though they both have been becoming worse & worse. I can't seem to get any health insurance and/or keep/get a job that doesn't discriminate me for my health or for who I am. I have bills to pay and don't have much money left. Feeling like such a burden to everyone and don't like looking over my shoulder to make sure no one is stalking me because I'm Trans. I just want to be out, and just live a nice life like everyone else.

I'm also stressed cause I have a storage unit in AZ and they keep uping the price, to where it'll be around $100 a month. Which I can't afford, especially now that I don't have a job again. (I've been applying like crazy btw.) I have a few people willing to go through that unit & get some stuff out for me, but it seems like one might back out...which like that's fine but I'm in desperate need for getting those things out so I can still have some of my stuff from my life back. I would go back to AZ to deal with it myself but like I said I'm on the other side of the US, which means it's going to cost a lot to do that, plus ICE is taking over the state and is in the airport (which they were given permission by Orange man to off those who are Trans. or arrest those who look different).

Though now me & my partner have to look for either a job/better job where we are or move to another state again, cause where we live now isn't offering much in jobs &/or enough to survive on. And I'm stressing out that we won't have enough room to take everything that we have into my partner's car. But I'm also like: I feel bad for taking up space & for not being able to help pay for stuff again (which I was helping whenever I did have a job). I keep being a burden to everyone, & I'm getting tired of myself.

I also keep trying to have poly relationships, but they don't work out cause my life keeps getting in the way or that the other is too far away & they don't want a long distance relationship. (Which I get, I'm just frustrated that I keep feeling like I have to conform to society and have to have only one partner. Which I'm Not saying that I don't love my partner with my whole heart and soul, it's just my preference to have multiple partners.) I also want to include that I go nonverbal when overwhelmed (which includes any kind of communication) & no one has understood this except my current partner.

I feel so dysphoric about my body, & am always feeling like I'm a burden/holding people back. And live in a Country that doesn't want me alive as well. So my suicidal thoughts are becoming louder & making me feel like just to end it all so no one has to take care of me or have to save space for me. If I can't afford to live myself & it hurts to even move my body due to chronic pain (or even eat anything in that matter cause I have chronic acid reflux as well), why even bother being here. I didn't ask to be born...