u/Aathos_YT

I seriously need to get professional help. Every day I feel like I want to pull of my skin and gouge my eyes out. I'm honestly surprised at the fact that I've never been to therapy despite what I'm going through but I can't say that it doesn't make sense. I never actively seeked for help until recently because I was scared of becoming another weight on my mothers shoulders. I know she's been through a lot and I don't want to make her life more difficult so I've just been suffering in silence for all these years. Why can't I just go get help like a regular human being?

Rant bc I have nothing else to do

I don't know if a switch flipped in my mind or smth but recently I've just been absolutely miserable for no apparent reason. I've always felt like shit but I used to be able to somewhat distract myself most of the time, now I'm not even able to do that. I don't have the energy to do stuff that I enjoy such as looking at bullshit on my phone or playing videogames so I've just been existing in my house in my spare time until nighttime comes where I fall asleep and repeat the cycle tomorrow. I've also been having A LOT of panic attacks recently because if I sit alone with my thoughts for longer than a minute I start freaking out soooo yeah. I constantly think about hurting myself. I cannot silence the thoughts no matter how much I try. I'm not gonna be able to hide my fucked up arms from my family for much longer due to the weather, and once my mother finds out she will definitely freak out. Why am I like this.

Why can't I just be normal

It's so hot outside, every day that passes reminds me that summer is slowly but surely coming. I'm sweating bullets everytime I go outside while wearing my jacket. Wearing a t-shirt wasn't that big of a problem earlier this year because my scars were mostly faded and unnoticable if you didn't pay attention (thankfully, no one cares enough about me to spend that much time looking at me) but now that I just relapsed, everyone is going to be able to tell. I couldn't care less about what strangers/classmates think about me but most of my friends and relatives don't know about what I'm going through so it's gonna be very awkward if they notice. Why couldn't I just abuse drugs instead like my relatives, that would be much easier to hide.

Thanks for listening to my rant, sorry if it was illegible, I have to do my homework and eat so I'm writing this quickly.