I don't know who I'm
I think chess shows you how hard it is to become just mid at something and if you want to achieve anything you would've to choose wisely ,but I feel like I'm behind and I have a lot of work to do ,for example to become an athlete at something let's pick judo you would've to make it your life I think I want to live life to the fullest but i don't find life anywhere and I want to be an expert in many things considering I could, haha but It would require choosing a path that I will be responsible for any consequences the choice generate
for example if I choose that the meaning of my life is to become a chef ,I would've chosen a life that could've been better if I chose a different life, and based on what would I have to choose, my liking? what if there's a better choice to make I don't want to live one sequence that may lead me to a position which isn't optimal ,something I do but I don't like and I have to keep doing it that's the ultimate punishment you can get
When I think about what suits my purpose of life I find myself lost , not just at how many choices there are but rather on the reasoning I should take , example is wanting being good at many things ,I don't think I'm doing that to impress people I honestly don't know ,as I'm writing this I think people assurance would make me feel great , despite that I don't care it's still a model of reasoning ,maybe to feel useful
but since my life has been destroyed which is the core of my problem(my relationship) ,it's the place I felt safe in , experiencing life with her feeling like I'm important to someone building a life around them feeling understood and wanted ,finding everything in someone,but the absurdity of life shows up ,and now I'll have to choose what would be meaningful and why goals like leaving Algeria even matter ,it would be better for finance ,future, living in a better environment , but why would I wanna do this well there's two answers: either because I have to create a meaning to my life , or don't just don't and become a enjoyer who doesn't care and just follow my desires and satisfaction without planing, in which case would also be a meaning but there's nothing that I enjoy ,if I have to choose I don't see any point at chosing no end result that would matter let's say I'm shredded okay I can get compliments have sex ,oh I forget it's supposed to be about your health nevermind so find a meaning have a skill feel good about myself whatever, why would I wanna do that so if I had to choose a meaning and a person I want to be, most people have their own values their identity that the base this choice on, but I question everything why would I be fulfilled if I become anything and why would I be fulfilled if I lived day to day life and follow my desires and care less I don't think there's an answer to that question but I have to choose because I don't want to stay like myself that's the only thing I'm sure of,
but if I choose meaning I think it would be to become better not because it's meaningful but because I can't become someone else not because that's what I want or value ,and not because it's not but becoming someone else would make me feel stressed, while I don't feel comfortable around people , because my life experience and all the trauma and things I liked and looked up for since I opened my eyes has made me this way , I refuse to call it identity it's not something that I control
I can remember an example one time I was at turkey for a visit and people were genuinely good to me and welcoming and having fun ,and people around my age they were trying to have fun with me but I couldn't do it I was shaking because I was scared of something I didn't know what it is ,people there were way better on average than people I interact with back home ,I should've felt well what's wrong with me and if I healed one day would I be able to enjoy being around people ,even my ldr girlfriend I loved her so much and I felt connected to her but if she were right here Infront of me I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like me not even that .I wouldn't be able to be alive within her even though I want to
so If I choose to become better and focus on that now why wouldn't I take it to the extreme and distract myself with an end goal that isn't even there but I would feel like I know myself finally I would create myself