Targeted envy to the point of obsession
Hi! I feel so ashamed for even experiencing this, but does anyone else sometimes become extremely envious of a specific person's physical appearance, to the point of being a bit obsessive? As a kid I'd often have a classmate that I'd envy to the point of extreme self-hatred and resentment - I'd analyze their features during class and literally fantasize about looking like them instead of me. If somebody else complimented their beauty I'd feel absolutely crushed, like somehow other people recognizing their beauty just confirmed what I'd hoped was untrue all along. Ofc I'd never express my envy (at least not intentionally) - even as a kid I knew that my emotions were very unreasonable and unflattering.
These days I've pretty much always got a specific target of my jealousy, especially now that I'm on social media. There's this one girl (who I've literally had to block) on Tiktok who is so incredibly beautiful and loved that it KILLS me whenever she shows up on my fyp. I'm not even sure why I'm especially jealous of her - she's beautiful, but there are seemingly infinite amounts of gorgeous women on Tiktok lmao - but I think it's got something to do with the fact that her lifestyle/personality isn't that different to my own, and that the only differences in our lives really lie in the ways that her physical appearance has granted her opportunities that mine has not. I think about her so often it's almost like a crush, except instead of feeling affection towards her I just feel pure anger at the world (and at myself) for making her so much prettier than me. I feel so horribly for hating her so much, but my hatred of her is entirely rooted in my hatred of myself. I hope that blocking her will lead to me forgetting about her entirely, but I know that I'll just find another girl to obsessively compare myself to.