u/Abject_Scale254

Hello Reddit, buckle up because this one’s a doozy. 😭

For context, this happened almost a year ago, but I’m posting because something new happened recently that has me questioning whether I was justified in how I handled everything. Also, I don’t know where to post this.

If you want to skip the backstory, you can jump to “THE INCIDENT” and then “UPDATE”,

Backstory:

At the time, I was 22F and my boyfriend JO was 23M. We had been together for about four years and had a very healthy relationship. We moved about two hours away from our hometown for college.

My boyfriend is Filipino and joined the Filipino club at our university. The club is open to everyone, although most members are Filipino, and it has a mentorship/family system. You get assigned an older student as your mentor, who becomes your “Kuya” (older brother) or “Ate” (pronounce Ah-Teh, which means older sister). Their mentors become your “Grand” siblings, etc. Through the club, my boyfriend became friends with JM (22M), E (19M), and C (19F).

C's original mentor eventually dropped her because, according to C, they didn't click and the mentor thought C was too pushy and weird. C was understandably hurt by this and asked JO if he would unofficially become her mentor instead. He agreed because he genuinely loves mentoring people. He had grown up as a Bible-study youth leader and really enjoys helping younger people.

At first, everything and everyone was great. We all became a close friend group and did pretty much everything together. However, before I even really knew C, I noticed that JO spent A LOT of time with her, and when I noticed things was never an “insecure feeling”, I was just curious why she would call him very late at night. JO, without giving too much information, mentioned that she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple years back. So she constantly needed someone to talk to. I wasn't upset about that by itself. >!Both my boyfriend and I have had people close to us struggle and even end *it* (RIP) due severe depression, so I understood why he would want to be there for her.!< But eventually I started noticing some things that made me uncomfortable.

C was extremely friendly with JO. She once told me that he was basically the only man who had ever given her the time of day and that “he's always there for her.” >!She also talked VERY openly about her sex life. Like, extremely openly. She would tell the group about hookups, details about where/when/how things happened, etc. She had an inside joke about an ex supposedly giving her “14 orgasms in one night,” and would bring up the number 14 constantly. She also randomly liked saying the word “vagina”, so there’s that too!< >!😭!<>!.!< She also liked to talk constantly about her ex, Matt, too, and how sweet, handsome, and amazing he was. Not that it matters too much, but they had mutually broken up because she was moving from NorCal to SoCal for college, but she still talked about missing him all the time.

At one point, she called my boyfriend during one of our picnic dates and texted him beforehand saying, “Hey, can we talk? I have something to tell you.” Naturally, he thought something serious had happened. Nope. >!She had just hooked up with someone from her dorm and wanted to tell him where it happened and how it was.!< My boyfriend basically responded with, “Oh... okay? Is that all you wanted to call me for? I thought you said it was important.”

>!Afterward, I told him that I thought it was strange that she specifically needed to call him to tell him about her sex life, especially knowing he had a girlfriend. He told me that whenever she brought up sexual stuff around him, he shut it down because he didn't want to participate in those conversations.!< I eventually messaged C directly and said something along the lines of: >!“!<>!Hey, I know you're very open about your sex life, but would you mind not talking about it around/to JO or calling him specifically to tell him about it? It makes me uncomfortable.”!< She apologized and said she didn't realize she was crossing a boundary. She said she didn't have anyone else to tell besides my boyfriend and JM, and JM happened to be in class. I accepted the apology.

Eventually, C and I actually became pretty close. We started having weekly “girl dates” and would hang out one-on-one. We joked around a lot and I genuinely considered her my friend, but even while we were becoming friends, I noticed she would constantly ask about JO.

“How are you and JO?”

“How is JO family?”

“Where is JO right now? Why didn’t he come?”

“How are JO’s finals?”

She rarely asked about me, specifically.

One time she even looked me in the face and said: “YOUR JO really reminds me of MY Matt. He's so sweet to me.” Exactly like that. I was honestly like... “Uhhh, thanks?”

She would also frequently ask the whole group to hang out and study, but whenever we did, she'd sit next to my boyfriend and constant ask him for help with things related to his research. And that wasn’t the issue, the issue was that everyone else in the room was in the same research lab and knew the material too. Yet somehow, she always specifically wanted him to help her. And at times she would sort of “un-intentionally” touch his arm, his hand, and place her hand on his back when he sat/hovered over her to help with work. Maybe that was the mentor-mentee relationship she wanted? I don’t know. Another side note: She also seemed to have this.. “pick-me” behavior we are all so familiar with, and when she would talk to JO (& it was only with JO) she would use this sort of, uhm baby voice? Like her voice went up a pitch and sounded “softer & sweet” when she talked to JO. Imagine the way a typical little girl would change her voice when she wanted something from her parents, that’s the tone she went for. And honestly, maybe I’m just picking her apart to find something to “pin against her” in my brain, I don’t know 🫩.

But at that point, I was getting a bit frustrated. I told her again that some of her behavior around my boyfriend made me uncomfortable and that we'd already talked about it. She apologized again, yet nothing really changed. And honestly, I was kind of a pushover about it. I trusted my boyfriend completely and didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who made an issue out of everything.

The Incident:

The last week of classes before spring break, C, E, JM and I were talking in our group chat.

C said: “Someone just hit on me at the restaurant on campus! 🤭 Ask E, he was there”

I jokingly responded: “Suureeee!!! It's giving self-centered 😂” And before you all come for my jugular about that comment, that was genuinely a joke between us. We constantly joked with each other using the “umm it's giving __” format, and it had never been an issue that was brought up before.

She immediately got upset and responded in the group chat that she felt disrespected every time I made jokes like that when she shared things about her life, and that it made her uncomfortable.

In all honestly, I was already having a terrible day with it being my brothers 1yr anniversary of **⚠️Att****ed sui**e⚠️** so I might’ve been out of pocket with the aggression but honestly, I was fed up with the double standard. So I messaged her privately.

In the messages, I basically told her that I found it frustrating that she was calling me out for making a joke when I had repeatedly told her that her behavior toward JO made me uncomfortable, and brought up how she would apologize but then continue doing the same things. I told her that I wasn't trying to accuse her of making advanced with my boyfriend or anything like that. I was just saying that, from my perspective, she repeatedly crossed boundaries with him while expecting me to be extremely careful about hers.

She ended up cutting contact with both me and JO. JO wasn't even in the group chat (he never reads or responds to anyone’s msgs 🙄) and had no idea any of this happened. Later that same night I told him what happened and asked how he felt.

He basically said: “Honestly, I’m indifferent. Ultimately it's between you and her. If she chooses not to talk to me because of this, I'm okay with it. There's no reason for me to do or say anything else because everything that needed to be said was already said on both sides.” So we left it alone. During her silence she quietly restricted JO and I on all her socials (which for those who don’t know, on Instagram you can restrict someone’s account which basically means they can still follow you but they can’t see any of your posts/stories/reels anymore. Essentially, a free follow, which she loved because she wants to be an influencer someday).

Then, two days before the new quarter started, C emailed my boyfriend. Emailed.. She sent him a voice message in that email saying that she was sorry, but she was choosing to end their mentorship and friendship. She said she needed time away from him due to ‘personal reasons’ and thanked him for everything he had taught her, said he had shown her kindness and love she had never experienced before, and said she would miss him. My boyfriend said he was fine with it. He was very obviously sad about losing a mentee he'd spent two years mentoring, but he made it clear to me that he wasn't devastated because it was specifically C. He just genuinely cared about his role as a mentor and had invested a lot of time and effort into it. And that's where things ended.

Update — almost a year later (which is why I'm posting this now):

Recently, C posted something on her spam account. JM, and other mutual friends who follow her spam, saw it and JM sent it to me because he thought it was in his words “without a doubt” about JO. And... y'all. I don't know what to make of it.

The post was essentially a message to my boyfriend. She talked about how she would never forget the times he helped her understand her emotions, let her cry to him, taught her how to read research papers, helped her write resumes, and helped her learn about herself.

She said: “I know you loved me and I loved you too.” She talked about how much it hurt when she saw him again after “an extended period of time” and said that he had “definitely moved on.”

She mentioned that she now has a new boyfriend, is leading projects, has learned a new Filipino dialect, is doing well in school, is managing her depression better, and has a mentee of her own. She said she wonders who he is now and what he's like, and that she'll probably see him at a conference someday.

She also said:

“I miss our friendship and mentorship, but I had to protect myself. And I don't regret leaving you, but it's times like this, I will miss you.”

And then she ended with:

“Thank you Kuya for calling me your little and Angel.”

That is where I'm confused. JO has confirmed that he has never called her an “angel” in their time together. He did mention his contact for her in his phone was “My Little 😇,” which was just a reference to her being his younger sibling/mentee in the Filipino club, and had an angel emoji because he saw her as her little sister.

But reading this post feels... incredibly intimate?

Even almost like a breakup letter? Or a letter to a former lover? Maybe I'm projecting because of everything that happened before. Maybe she genuinely viewed him as an older brother/mentor and was just extremely emotionally attached to that relationship.

But when I combine this with:

- Calling JO late at night because she was feeling anxious about a current/past relationship.

>!- Calling him during odd hours of the day to specifically to tell him about a hookup.!<

>!- Frequently talking about her sex life around him despite knowing he was uncomfortable.!<

- Constantly seeking his attention/help even when others could help.

- Telling me JO’s kindness towards her reminded her of her ex.

- Frequently asking about my relationship with JO.

- Saying JO was the only man who had really given her the time of day because he was always there for her.

- Getting extremely emotionally attached to their mentorship.

- Ending their relationship in an email voice message saying he had shown her “kindness and love” she'd never experienced before

- And now writing something that sounds, to me and apparently several other mutual friends, like a breakup letter almost a year after cutting contact… I can't help but wonder if I was actually picking up on something.

I just can't help but wonder if I was actually picking up on something, or reading into something that isn’t there.

So, Reddit: AIBTS/AIO/AITA.H. for calling C out and telling her that her behavior toward my boyfriend made me uncomfortable?

Should I have just stayed out of it because I trusted my boyfriend and let the mentorship/friendship run its course until we graduated?

And regarding the update: am I reading WAY too much into her post, or does this sound unusually emotionally intimate for a former mentor/mentee relationship?

I genuinely want honest opinions. If I was being possessive or reading things incorrectly, I'm willing to accept that. I just don't know anymore. And for those of you reading this and likely saying or thinking that JO should’ve stood up for himself/me or handled it, please lmk if maybe that’s also something I’m not considering? Again, I am open to acknowledging I am wrong/overreacting/the asshole/too sensitive. Thank you!

Also, here is the OG Instagram post, word for word:

“I will never forget the times you've helped me see my emotions, let me cry to you, teach me how to read research papers, write good resumes, and help me learn about myself. I hope you're proud of me. I'm proud of you. I know you loved me and I loved you too. I'm sure because you're so utilitarian you'd probably accepted us and don't really think of me. I didn't know how much hurt I would be when I saw you again for a prolonged period of time. You've definitely moved on. But you know so have I. Things are changing and moving for both of us. I wish I could speak to you again and tell you everything that's happened. I have a new boyfriend. I'm leading two new projects. I've learned Bisaya. I'm learning to love reading. My grades are amazing. I'm managing my depression better. I have a mentee who I relate with. Being Philipino means everything to me. I wonder who you are now. I wonder how you're like. I'm sure l'll see you in a distant conference from now. But for now, I'm leaving the lab you've inspired me to get into. It's time to leave. I miss our friendship and mentorship, but I had to protect myself. And I don't regret leaving you, but it's times like this, I will miss you. Thank you Kuya for calling me your little and Angel. 2358”

*The 2358 at the end is the time of when she posted. That’s kinda like her sign-off on her insta.