u/Able_Combination6487

I would say that for the last 5 years I have barely even noticed the existence of other men, so consumed was I by chasing the husband I never quite felt was truly mine. Women I’ve scrutinized, emulated, dissected, obsessed over how I stack up next to them. So busy was I with this i entirely forgot to look at how my man stacks up next to others.

With my 8 year old son this week I read an adaptation of the Odyssey, one of the literal oldest stories in existence. So many perils and pitfalls our heroes encounter, and yes even then, the temptations of women make up a sizable and serious portion of them. But does our hero succumb? Because as we’re told, that’s just how men are?

No. When the sirens sing, motherfucker ties himself to the goddamn mast. Brother also knows better than to let a lotus eater close enough to even start to tempt him. A beautiful and eternally youthful goddess (wow sounds familiar) offers him immortality and he does not waver from the course. Weak men fall around him and he makes it home to his queen. Single mindedly. (At least in the adaptation we read lol don’t ruin it for me please, scholars) Is it fucking weird I started to get all hot and bothered? What a goddamn MAN.

I’ve really started evaluating this question recently. Of course I’ve agonized about whether I’m good enough for him. But does a low effort low integrity easily preyed upon little boy in a 50 year old man’s body , cut it for ME? Is this truly what I find attractive Why did it take me so long to even ask this question???

Well everyone, DDay1 was 5 days after my daughter was born, and she is now about to turn 3. I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve wanted to die, I’ve schemed, I’ve starved, I’ve hated myself, I’ve altered myself, I’ve tortured myself studying them, I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, I’ve been cold and cruel, I’ve been unconditionally, loving and supportive, I’ve done it all, and -

I am just bored and tired. Another sketchy text thread on his phone, another set of nonsensical excuses, another slipup, I don’t even care to confront him and I don’t even care what he was watching this time. I used to act like Gollum trying to get a peek at what he wanted and preferred so I could pore over them and change myself to be like them. And damn when I tell you, I really do not give two shits anymore.

I don’t hate him. I’m not mad at him. I’m not particularly hurt by him. I feel friendly enough day to day. When I woke up to the bed shaking to his masturbation last night, an event that has traumatized the living shit out of me in the past, I literally just got up and walked to the other room. He chased me down apologizing, promising he was fantasizing about me, telling me he was dying to have me (an obvious lie). His face when he realized I wasn’t even mad or upset. I said “no it’s fine, I’m actually just trying to go back to sleep, it’s cool you can go back to it”.

He was tentative in the morning but I wasn’t faking my chipper mood. We had a great morning with the kids. It really feels good to not have any mental energy left to spare worrying about how I look to him, or what’s on his mind. I assume it’s barely legal temptresses or Thai prostitutes or one of his exes, because it always is, and frankly it’s finally gotten boring! Barely looked in the mirror this AM and didnt step on the scale because I really do have better things to do.

ANYWAY. I’m a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and 5 month old. I cannot possibly leave yet. It’ll be some years before that’s in the cards. How are we doing this day to day? I dont want to get sucked in. Do we sleep separately? It’s a small apartment. How do we maintain boundaries? How do i keep it cordial? What if I start to get triggered again even ignoring him and trying not to think about what he’s doing?